This time...

You know, labor just doesn't freak me out this time.

A huge part of my anxiety issues are simply about the unknown. My labor with Abby was sort of the perfect set up for this labor because I FELT the pain and I had the epidural... so I feel totally happy to go into this whole adventure again (with the exception, as I mentioned, of the sadistic centimeter checking - which really I blame Aaron for... he's on their side... just kidding, just kidding don't call the hospital and fire the epidural pusher the night I go into labor big brother old pal of mine).

Whereas if I had done it without the drug and decided, okay, that was fun, but not for me, I would be anxious for this birth because I hadn't experienced the epidural before.

So, basically, at this point I'm just done being pregnant (yes, I know I was done three months ago) but now I can be done without guilt... but I'm not going to go insane - no stair walking to force the issue... not until we're closer to the real 40 weeks anyway... But, it's just - the first time being pregnant the birth process is a tad inconceivable but not quite (in my mind anyway) as inconceivable as having an actual person in baby form become a part of our family, of becoming a mother myself. SO the birth was just more relevant or something. I was concerned about embarrassing myself or making bad decisions or just all sorts of things whereas I couldn't even really fathom the baby part.

This time, birth is just the somewhat annoying, somewhat wonderous adventure to get passed in order to get hold of the baby.

To this day the best way I've heard it discussed is by Jen G as she heard it from her midwife mother in law which was, in essence: How you cope in life is how you cope in labor. The birth process is just like any other hurdle or pain you deal with in life. How you cope with everything else is basically how you cope during birth.

I think this is why I held a certain romantic view of natural childbirth all my life. Because for my mom there was something very meaningful, very powerful, very proud about giving birth the way they wanted to (at the time she had to fight for natural). To this day, when she talks about it she gets very glowy and proud to have really gone through a painful achievement of sorts (she equates it to running a marathon - which I think is brilliant... it's not about right or wrong it's more about if you're INTO that sort of challenge. I.E. if you are, then natural childbirth just might be for you). Point being, I'm very much like my mom... well... somewhat...so I sort of just assumed I'd feel the same way about it.

I did not however. *Smirk* So, for me, Bradley was a bad idea because I don't verbalize and vent when in distress, I retreat into myself completely. So when I was in pain that is what I did and my body didn't progress even though the pain had progressed until the drug allowed me (blissfully) to relax... well for a few seconds before the pressure started of course ;).

I'm sure Lamaze would be more up my ally - breathing and concentrating - all very inner focused, all very much more me. But I have simply found that just like I would never... ever...ever be interested in running a marathon, I just don't have the interest to achieve this goal naturally. I don't begrudge anyone any decision about it - except I do think it wise to take some class on the subject so you don't go through the process and not have information that you didn't know was important to you but actually ended up being important to you and you had no power in the making it happen or not happen because you had no knowledge of it. If that made sense.

Ahhhh sigh, of course, coming to this very tidy idea is going to be all well and good unless the epi guy isn't out somewhere changing a tire or on strike or they run out of opiates or we get stuck in a snowstorm on the way to the hospital or ...

*sigh*