Hey Look, I've been Counseled...

So I did a very little therapy this last month. I had a specific goal in mind: gain tools to make post partum time less difficult. Something my brother said made the light go in on my head that maybe all the overwhelmed-ness after Abby was born could have been anxiety related as well as hormonal. This gave me renewed hope that maybe somebody could give me tools for handling the anxiety portion in the short amount of time before baby's arrival.

Didn't connect amazingly with the guy but felt like he was on the ball; He suggested I had a mild anxiety disorder, gave me some guidance, tuned me in to realize some things I'd forgotten and had me check in in two weeks. Having a defined thing (right or wrong - but I think right) to hang my foibles on was actually very comforting, very centering. Though possibly being too reliant on anxiety as a cause for every stubbed toe, it basically wiped out the need to be anxious... having a name for it made me feel like anytime I was anxious I could decide that whatever I was anxious about didn't need to be causing me anxiety - this was just this whole anxiety thing again and I naturally focused on that and lost the edge of the anxiety. SO, after having a rather less illuminating session in which I considered making up things to be worried about, when he gave me the heave ho ("check in if things aren't going the way you want after the baby is born") I felt fine with that.

I'm not necessarily "done" with therapy - it was fun even though I didn't love the guy, but this was perfect timing-wise. This way I can really get a grip on whether or not the reduction of anxiety needs someone to see me in order to maintain it - gives me time to ruminate on the whole thing and all that. It also gives me the opportunity to look for someone else after the baby if I want without having to break it off so to speak.

ANYWAY this blog is about what happened today. Today we were scheduled for a big day. School, then playdate with Wesley and Julia, then Ballet. Well, Wesley and Julia couldn't make it so we had a much less big day and I ended up napping while Abby played house (she was the Momma, I was the kid who had to sleep because I was getting grouchy, and Ariel was the baby). I woke up at 3:12 remembering ballet (which starts at 3:15). I asked Abby quickly if she wanted to go even though we were going to be late and she did. We got her dressed and were on our way by 3:20. She still needed her hair up but I had gotten her dressed and even found her shoes which were at the bottom of a pile of stuff I had cleaned out from the car.

This is the IDEAL trigger for my anxiety. I mean, I sometimes feel anxiety getting her there and ready when I know I am going to be twenty minutes early! (It's hard to get those tights on you know! and then there is the added anxiety about being too early) So add to that I'm late and still not out of the woods because I've got to get her hair up in a BUN (teacher will not let kids in if their hair CAN go in a bun, it MUST go in a bun) before sending her in to class. OH! And I had to go pee something fierce.

About two thirds of the way there (and the road wasn't clear, two schools had just let out on my route) I realized my heart wasn't racing, I wasn't frowning, my stomach wasn't clenching, I wasn't shaking or anything. I was perfectly calm. HA! Eerie.

With a pat on my own back I determined I would continue to be: Got Abby's hair into a bun that lasted at least fifteen minutes of class (her bangs were in her face the whole time Gramma and Poppa would have been struggling with their own anxiety!), led her to the door, reassured her when she had a moment of panic to be walking in late and that was it. She walked straight in, said sorry to the teacher and joined in.

AND it was a really nice class because there were two little boys so the teacher totally had them do a little routine - it was super cute.

I didn't have a stitch in my side or a stress headache or anything. Nifty.