2 Dragons, A Sheep and a Piggy

Just checked which Chinese Zodiac years Abby and Jack were born in.

Steve and I are both Fire Dragon.
Jack is a Fire Pig
Abby is a Water Sheep... Hmm... Perfect Balance or Smoky Trouble ;)

How Far I've Come?

Busy day and I do not have a headache. Tax day tomorrow and I, post baby, seem to have thrown away a bunch of year end stuff ... however, I never know how important the little or moderate stuff is - I never remember what stuff I bring that he never needs. So rather than worry and get a headache and blame Steve for breathing I am going to wait and see if anything I'm missing is needed and get a copy of it from the appropriate people after we leave the appointment. We are usually required to file an extension anyway, so it probably isn't a rush.

Busy Day:
Get Abby's lunchbunch lunch ready
Get Abby to school
Walk with Sarah (also ask sarah to fix car seat and babysit while I shower - check and check)
Visit with Beth/take pictures of Josh
Lunch with Samantha (and while I am explaining that not being prepared for a massive poo leak is one reason why I am an anxious basketcase when I take baby to restaurant - baby has massive poo leak. Like... seriously - the diaper did nothing to help the issue - what was the point of it?)
Pick up Abby
Let Abby have downtime before getting her ready for Ballet
Nurse while Samantha gets Abby ready for ballet, all the while I keep Abby on target by threatening to take away treat.
Watch ballet standing up with thirteen pound baby in wrap.
Get Abby treat.
Sit.
Get Dinner for family
Put Abby to bed
Put Jack to bed while Steve runs.
Organize tax documents, look for all the relevant documents not already put aside.
Blog
Try not to feel anxious that the laundry is piling up four feet high, I forgot to log on aim and therefore haven't talked to mom. Oh well. At least I didn't forget any MORE birthdays today.

Experience and Light

Light's the key.

Having the experience to recognize the right light is the key that actually unlocks anything.

Er Hmm. This post is not supposed to be the celebratory announcement that I have either key - I'm just realizing it all is all.

Stop judging me.

Sheesh.

(can you tell I got sleep last night? I'm like Hazel on an iced coffee drink)

The Problem with Birthdays

OOOOOOH geez, I've done it now. I forgot a friend's birthday... like by a lot. No idea if she's been upset about it or not.

I have no idea why I have no head at all for birthdays, but I don't. Nope, none at all.

I could defend myself saying I don't really care about my own birthday much and I certainly try for my family to make it something they care about. But I don't know anyone else's birthday. I hardly ever do.

But I don't want to be a jerk and be defensive when someone says they are hurt.

Ugh. I don't expect all of you to call me for my birthday. It's nice. I certainly appreciate the trouble and sentiment.

I enjoy being nice to people and making them feel good so there is a part of me that would like to be good about birthdays.

As Hazel has always said, she makes a big deal about birthdays because its the only "holiday" that's all about the individual.

That makes sense. And it certainly made me feel good when she went all out decorating my desk for my birthdays at the office.

And yet it does not help me put birthdays on my radar in the least. I mean, obviously KID'S birthdays are different. I'm not going to tell Abby that her birthday doesn't matter. But, seriously, until she could really appreciate what was going on - I didn't really do anything for her. We had a party obviously but early on that is really more for the adults. Her second birthday we just had family get together.

How would I feel if everyone forgot my birthday? Well, as long as you aren't family, I'm not sure I would be counting, you know? I wouldn't remember you had or had not mentioned it.

Defeated sigh.

Am I allowed not to care about birthdays? That's what my defensiveness is saying - look, it's just not what I do. But I'm not confident that that is "ok".

Part of it is I'm not a particular slave to the calender... in other words, I'm about as competent with a calendar as I am with a map. The only reason I keep track of the date with any sort of regularity is because I need to know when I have to work at Abby's school.

Sigh of ultimate failure.

I am sorry for the past and in advance everyone for completely not making you feel good on your birthdays; For forgetting entirely or having a vague notion of when it is and being too embarrassed that I don't know the exact date that I don't call at all.

I would love to be better at it, but it feels like there are a whole load of other things I need to get organized in my life ahead of being good about entering and following through with birthdays.

Jen P knows. I forgot her birthday like ten years in a row. One year I called to wish her a happy birthday on her birthday and forgot that is why I called and didn't say anything at all about it. In fact, maybe I'll blame it on Jen P this time. Her birthday is coming up and I've been so geared up to remember it that I had tunnel vision and totally missed this other friend's birthday. Yup, all Jen's fault. That makes it nice and tidy.

BUT I don't think it'll fly.

Triple sigh.

Following Sarah's Lead

At Sarah's blog she linked to a handwriting test, which I took and got these results:

You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry.
You are a social person who likes to talk and meet others.
You are negative, fearful, resistant, doubtful, and/or selfish.
You are reserved, shy, cautious, and thoughtful.
You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.

I think she and I got two different lines. It does show that we are alike...and different... if that counts. *snort*

Then I saw this and thought it would be cute.



You tend to pursue many different activities simultaneously. When misfortune does happen, it doesn't actually dishearten you all that much.
You are a thoughtful and cautious person. You like to think about your method, seeking to pursue your goal in the most effective way.
You are creative, mentally active and industrious.
You feel morose and are prone to lethargy.
What does your drawing say about YOU?

Can't Say I'm not Trying

unfocused, but cooly so:

Overcast Light Test

This was a rainy day with some sunshine. Still grainy? Keep in mind I am uploading not at best quality... though that shouldn't matter because her photos look just as crisp (as do dh's on Sarah's blog)

The Upside of Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day this year would have been overrun by sickness, exhaustion, large work projects,
pre-school preparation, and laundry if it hadn't been for Steve's gift of flowers and love notes to Abby and I (my flowers you've already seen featured, but there's one more cool picture of them). Abby was very proud to be so loved. I am just overwhelmingly content (in a good way).

EVIL spammers

Not talking about blogger ones.  

Normal I can recognize spam quickly and I have no problem banishing it if it happens to get into my inbox.  Then again, rarely does it get passed the junk mail filter so perhaps I'm out of practice.

SO I have this email in my inbox just staring at me, with an attachment, and a first name that backwards happens to spell "file" 

Hmmmm.... So of course I have not opened it, but dang it, I'm tempted.

The Unexpected Free Time Panic

It happens now and then in parenthood that one finds oneself unexpectedly with free time. The child is downstairs loudly singing to her dolls and munching on apple rice cakes and the baby has conked out in the swing while I was putting on the wrap to carry him around.

So the first thing that happens in such an happenstance is that I sit, unbelieving and untrusting that I really have free time. Then I go back and forth checking on the playing child and the sleeping baby. Then I stand lost for a moment. Then I check the calender, assuming I've forgotten something vital. Then I start thinking of things I could do with my free time. The things I've been wanting to do with my freetime for two months line up in my mind:
scrapbook Christmas
take a nap
eat something
do pilates
and I head toward the closet to gather supplies. On my way there, Jack snorts twice and I go back and check and then the things I should do with my free time build up on my shoulders:
laundry
find my two lost nursing bras
organize my clothes
organize abby's clothes
organize jack's clothes
put toilet paper in the guest bathroom
throw away trash
and I pause indecisively. Then I turn around again (after checking on Jack another two times), too bitter to do the things I should do just yet, and sit and ponder the ramifications of my choices. Then I go on the internet, certain I'm missing something I should be doing. I check the news to see if any huge tragedies have occurred. Then I blog.

Then I reluctantly eye the clothes on the floor... and... pick them up. Put the dishwasher on. Hear Abby begin to melt down downstairs. Jack wakes up.

I remember all the things I NEEDED to do with my free time that I didn't do

While I'm Standing

while Jack sleeps in the Moby against me, I'm still messing with pictures. Considering that I've changed these to .jpgs which have reduced quality and uploaded them with "small" quality, I think I'm getting there.

The only issue I have is that in order to get things as clear as she does, there has to be such controlled circumstances. Or, should I say, in order for me to get things as clear as she does.

I'm just itching to get models out in a park setting when I'm not forcing them (i.e. Abby - i.e. the expressions on Abby's face in my examples).

The other thing, besides light (which is the #1 element I have not been using properly), is the intimacy that she gets. She doesn't work magic with kids, but she does get nice and close so that the eyes always seem to be showcased. I'm realizing I don't get that close. I am much more an observer - and I get neat pictures like that, but I don't get her style, so I really want to master my own version of her style. I know I still like my style... but I want to wrap hers in along with mine.

DUI

You know, there is a reason they don't like you to drive exhausted any more than they like you to drive drunk.

I got a nap yesterday and it's like my brain is functioning again. For how long? Probably not very. But I am trying to capitalize on it while it's present.

Plus, I've decided one shouldn't eat while exhausted. Or try to run one's own life either. Or listen to any emotions had while under the influence of exhaustion.

I'm quite serious about wanting to lose these last ten pounds (and I wouldn't mind it if was 15, but I'm just trying to get back to good before I go for great). However, the last couple weeks my eating... well... my desserting anyway... has not reflected that I care about losing weight at all.

And now that I have an inkling of a brain back, I think I know why. As previously noted in long ago blogs, I like to cope with food (hey, alot of people do), and I think I was coping with dessert. Now that I'm fully conscious I'm having no needs to eat the last of the cake or make cookies.

I mean, as soon as we have kids we all very quickly realize that sleep was a treasure we never fully appreciated before we had kids. We also tend to realize how vital it is to functioning like a human...or close to like one. We talk about it and get it but seldom do I do enough to make sure I am grasping what sleep I can. I.E. I could go to bed during Jack's 8 or 9 o'clock nap rather than staying up for his final sleep round at 11. That way when all hell breaks loose in the early morn, perhaps I can actually function, take Jack out into the living room to chill rather than just repeating in a hazy monotone, "What's going on?"

SO new day and all that...

I'd like to sleep.
Walk during the day so I get some sunshine.
Do pilates because it gives me peace at night...
Have chocolate chips as my dessert
Find a coping skill for anger/frustration (as it seems like that is the first emotion I jump to. Like I need a funny or sweet song - something I can immediately use to switch off the other stuff- a praise song always works nice. Back in high school when I was frustrated with friends I would repeat a verse that both encouraged me and made me laugh at myself as the verse is probably dealing with death and dismemberment while I was dealing with the class clown not being quiet in class when I thought he should be. But if its music that is inspirational, it might be even cooler...Shoot, I know one I want to use but for the life of me I can't remember it... it goes like this... "and daaaaaaaaaaa da daaa da da da da da da daaaaaaa da daaaaa da da da da..." you know it?)

Britax: At least it was easy...

Shannon is the master of consumer research. Once she told me about Britax car seats, I started seeing them everywhere in the back seats of discerning parents everywhere. I bought the Regent for Abby mid-last year and, besides being the size of a small love seat, it was great. I could tell it was more comfortable and I certainly felt safe considering all the research.... and the super cool special hookie latchie things on the latches.

Well three weeks ago I went to buckle Abby in and one of the harness belts had completely frayed through. It was separated completely. It should freak me out more because I had no way of knowing it was fraying as the problem section is within the seat/between the cloth of the seat and the underbelly of the seat. And who knows how long it had been totally unsafe - as the merest of tugs to get Abby's arm through was what presumably finally severed the belt.... but who knows - maybe it was severed earlier and this was teh first time I tugged hard enough to expose it.

Well, oddly enough I'm not freaked out. I was extremely annoyed that I now had to deal with customer service who's hours are east coast and east coast LIGHT. Seriously they close generally by 1pm my time except on Fridays when they close at like 10am my time. AND they have all holidays off. And no weekends.

So I finally called, ready to call in the guard if they gave my crap about a receipt I do not have and they just asked for the batch date and number and promised a new harness delivered Monday or Tuesday. Well... good then!

Now the question is, can I convince Abby to get back into it.

Bizarro World

Jack has not been his normal sleepy self at nights/mornings. I've been, therefore, even more sleepy. Today, determined not to be distracted, I lay down with him when I got home from dropping Abby off at school. And... eventually... we both slept!

I woke up at noon (which is when I should have been waiting outside Abby's classroom door), put my sweater on backwards (unnoticed until I WAS standing outside Abby's classroom door), and jetted to school. As it was the day after a holiday and two sets of kids needed to do their talk-share - they weren't even out.

So here I am - rested, with no particular plans for the day, and Abby asking to rest on the couch.

Odd...

perhaps I've accidentally entered...

another dimension.

Still Trying...

When I had my session with the photographer I am trying to emulate she suggested starting with dolls that don't move. Eh, why not start with flowers...

The State of the Family or Happy Valentine's Day!!

Is a caption necessary?

Go here

In the tradition of Micaiah and many of Sarah's friends...

http://www.madisonavephotography.com/blog/

(I'm terribly ashamed I couldn't get Abby's hair all pretty - I had a rough couple days and the grand scheme of getting her to the bath first... well ... just didn't 'pan out.

Pants...

Whether or not you normally read my Abby & Jack blog, I insist that you go there now to read the post I just posted (the "speechless" post)

It's ALL about me

So, Steve and I went on a date Friday night while my mom took care of both kiddos and the night highlighted to me how selfish I am. I think, in my head, I see the weekends as my time. Like, granted, I certainly haven't stopped Steve from doing social things without me on the weekend, but there is this underlying feeling on my part that I shouldn't have to do too much on the weekends. However, while thinking about this, I am aware that I am pretty demanding to retain my time during the week as well - but the difference is the underlying feeling I have. During the week I feel like I'm not entitled to the extra time which makes me not enjoy the time anyway and want to splurge during the weekend.

SO I thought, okay, I've got to turn this around. I have to not have these behind the scenes feelings that I'm putting on myself during the week and I thought I'd try to make a special effort for Steve especially to be more giving rather than needing for a couple days. I.E. me being giving toward Steve not me making a special effort to make Steve more giving ;). It was going to be a project. Like my happiness project.

But apparently God laughed at me and said "nice try, that is not the lesson I want you to learn - maybe next week" (I'm just assuming here- this is not an actual quote from God)... because the day my project was due to kick off I got very very sick. Mastitis. It's a little debilitating until you get the antibiotics. Fortunately for me, that was the easy part... I have connections.

Unfortunately for me, you other moms I've known with mastitis have had to deal with thrush as a result of the antibiotics and it has seemed thrush has the potential to be much more difficult to get rid of. So I was eagerly seeking other options to the antibiotics until, after being up all night and waking Steve up several times I took the meds. And felt 500x better within twenty minutes.

The first day with the meds I was still pretty sick - functional, but probably shouldn't have been - but still nothing, absolutely nothing like the night without. Today, second day on the meds, I'm fine. It's amazing. I will, of course, finish out my antibiotics so it doesn't come back.

But the irony obviously is that I was absolutely not able to be self-sacrificing. There is a nagging part of me that is sick of being pathetic, and in need etc - I would much rather be the hero that swoops in and helps someone else. But really, that is just the guilt of imposing. I am just grateful that I have all the help. I really don't say that lightly, so I'm really not sure why God wants to drive this point home quite so much. For example, we had no pre-school yesterday so Abby was stuck with a not all there mom who had, just the day before, cried in the car "It'll be okay, mom, don't be sad" and I had people dropping by on their way to Newbury Park - just very possibly an awful day for Abby. But instead MarySue picked Abby up, they went to target, had dinner, had a nice time at their house and just - I could just see the difference in Abby - having that escape. So, I'm serious. I've learned this lesson. I appreciate the help even if I have to feel pathetic about it.

Maybe it's just equipping me to be the helper with the best attitude when I can be in the future... or maybe it's just designed to humble me with the kindness of my friends and family. I don't know.

And now Jack has his first cold. And his shots are going to happen as soon as they get the vaccines in. Joy. Well, hey... you know I was about to say, at least it's not me who is sick and that sounded awful- of course we would rather take the pain than our children - but there is a flip side. When we're impaired we can't comfort or care for them as well either. SO maybe I mean, at least I'm not sick TOO. There. Much better.

Poor boy is crying. Abby spilling water downstairs.

But, hey, I feel great!

The Case of the Ghost Fruit

Orange Sale tallies have to be in in the morning. I seriously haven't had a moment to take care of them before now.

I thought I was set. I thought I had been more detailed, more specific, more organized than ever before.

And yet, I somehow sold a case more of Oranges than I was given. I did not sell a half of Oranges they think I did and I ended up with an extra case of Oranges that I sold a fourth out of and gave the rest away. I sold my mom's case of grapefruit twice AND finally had to buy another 1/2 crate from another family and yet it doesn't show up in my records though all the money matches.

They are going to look at my tally... and hurt me.

Red Folder FOUND

Well, in a random box in the corner of the garage, miraculously not a sodden random box, was my legal sized fedex folder and red "important" folder. Thank you God, thank you those who prayed.

The irony? My property tax bill (what inspired this whole thing) was *not* there, neither was my car registration. SO the search for those goes on (for record only, I am not too worried about them). BUT some very very important things were in that folder so the lucky thing is... it really was important to find that.

Superbowl Kids

Where have all the flowers gone?

I'm tired. Steve's tired. We're all tired. The displaced clothes piled up in laundry baskets (otherwise known as our entire wardrobes) are still lining the master bedroom. As expected, this causes much confusion over what is dirty laundry and what is wearable.
It's like... everything is sort of en route to getting done but its taking twenty times longer than it would have a year ago. Steve's got a closet system that he's installing... slowly. And oddly enough getting the new tv hooked up for the Superbowl has taken priority.
I feel snippy, like I really want to start a fight, but he's just so gosh darn sadly tired looking, I don't have the heart. Or maybe I just don't have the energy myself.
The thing is, when the tv is hooked up and the clothes sorted, will I appreciate it? Most likely it will be a passing thought of praise as I think about the roof leaking and the garage leaking and the leaks that come up through the floors and how I don't want to spend money on those things... How I want a backyard that I probably won't use nearly as much as I should... about how I should finish the kitchen... about how I'm going to cover my shift at school... about how I should get walking and running and how my hair is driving me up the wall and how we have Jack's first shots on Friday and on and on and on...

Just take today I suppose, right now... and... go to sleep. That's my motto.