It's ALL about me

So, Steve and I went on a date Friday night while my mom took care of both kiddos and the night highlighted to me how selfish I am. I think, in my head, I see the weekends as my time. Like, granted, I certainly haven't stopped Steve from doing social things without me on the weekend, but there is this underlying feeling on my part that I shouldn't have to do too much on the weekends. However, while thinking about this, I am aware that I am pretty demanding to retain my time during the week as well - but the difference is the underlying feeling I have. During the week I feel like I'm not entitled to the extra time which makes me not enjoy the time anyway and want to splurge during the weekend.

SO I thought, okay, I've got to turn this around. I have to not have these behind the scenes feelings that I'm putting on myself during the week and I thought I'd try to make a special effort for Steve especially to be more giving rather than needing for a couple days. I.E. me being giving toward Steve not me making a special effort to make Steve more giving ;). It was going to be a project. Like my happiness project.

But apparently God laughed at me and said "nice try, that is not the lesson I want you to learn - maybe next week" (I'm just assuming here- this is not an actual quote from God)... because the day my project was due to kick off I got very very sick. Mastitis. It's a little debilitating until you get the antibiotics. Fortunately for me, that was the easy part... I have connections.

Unfortunately for me, you other moms I've known with mastitis have had to deal with thrush as a result of the antibiotics and it has seemed thrush has the potential to be much more difficult to get rid of. So I was eagerly seeking other options to the antibiotics until, after being up all night and waking Steve up several times I took the meds. And felt 500x better within twenty minutes.

The first day with the meds I was still pretty sick - functional, but probably shouldn't have been - but still nothing, absolutely nothing like the night without. Today, second day on the meds, I'm fine. It's amazing. I will, of course, finish out my antibiotics so it doesn't come back.

But the irony obviously is that I was absolutely not able to be self-sacrificing. There is a nagging part of me that is sick of being pathetic, and in need etc - I would much rather be the hero that swoops in and helps someone else. But really, that is just the guilt of imposing. I am just grateful that I have all the help. I really don't say that lightly, so I'm really not sure why God wants to drive this point home quite so much. For example, we had no pre-school yesterday so Abby was stuck with a not all there mom who had, just the day before, cried in the car "It'll be okay, mom, don't be sad" and I had people dropping by on their way to Newbury Park - just very possibly an awful day for Abby. But instead MarySue picked Abby up, they went to target, had dinner, had a nice time at their house and just - I could just see the difference in Abby - having that escape. So, I'm serious. I've learned this lesson. I appreciate the help even if I have to feel pathetic about it.

Maybe it's just equipping me to be the helper with the best attitude when I can be in the future... or maybe it's just designed to humble me with the kindness of my friends and family. I don't know.

And now Jack has his first cold. And his shots are going to happen as soon as they get the vaccines in. Joy. Well, hey... you know I was about to say, at least it's not me who is sick and that sounded awful- of course we would rather take the pain than our children - but there is a flip side. When we're impaired we can't comfort or care for them as well either. SO maybe I mean, at least I'm not sick TOO. There. Much better.

Poor boy is crying. Abby spilling water downstairs.

But, hey, I feel great!