120: Yellow
3 months ago
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Words to Live By
"Never do anything you don't want to explain to the paramedics." ---unknown This was a friend of mine's facebook status today. I thought of Aaron & Megan and I thought.. hmmm, this is wise council.
Taxi Climate
So I was checking Abby's homework last night and she had spelled "TAXI" "TaxC" and I didn't catch on right away why she'd tried to spell it that way until she explained (complete with rolling eyes) "Because that's how it sounds! tax"C"!"
I told Steve and he said that he remembers working out that climate must mean someone you climb with - a mate that you climb with. Awwh.
I told Steve and he said that he remembers working out that climate must mean someone you climb with - a mate that you climb with. Awwh.
Gmail Chat
I think I know that chats are saved in gmail, but I didn't really know how to access them until today.
Found this between Samantha and I in January and I thought it was really funny:
Samantha: omg
me: What?!!
Samantha: i am legitimately sick
me: okay
I'm sorry...
that is NOT omg
Samantha: it is in my head
10:44 AM me: :(
Found this between Samantha and I in January and I thought it was really funny:
Samantha: omg
me: What?!!
Samantha: i am legitimately sick
me: okay
I'm sorry...
that is NOT omg
Samantha: it is in my head
10:44 AM me: :(
Credit
Where credit is due.
SO here's why I was so distraught last night. One of the things Ferber wants you to do is learn all about sleep cycles and rhythms before you try to go to the problem/solution part of the book. And one of the "duh" things I learned was that there are two deep sleep sections of the night. The first part and the 4am-ish-on. It always drove me crazy that we would be up every 10, 15 minutes or every hour depending on the severity of the problem and then finally at 4 the child would fall deep asleep as if something had finally clicked.
SO here I was at 1 thinking - oh crap, I'm going to be up til 4 for sure.
BUT nope. Jack and Finn and Abby slept the rest of the night. Glory to God. No joke. Also to Ferber, who's help I believe helped me to break the previous patterns.
I have no idea how I kept calm, I was so sure it was going to be a horrible disaster and I just didn't see any hope and after all the hope of the last two weeks it was like I emotionally could not accept going backwards. Sleep is important folks. Sometimes not as important as the emotional needs of a child, but I think I proved that too. I spent time with Jack in between walkaways.
OH funniest thing of the night. One of the things that distresses him is when he cries or his nose runs and he needs a "tissue" (which is code for me blotting his face lovingly). Well, he's obviously been trying to conjugate this and told me, as he was crying, "Oh no, I'm tissing."
And funny poor Finn. We relocated him to the playpen so he didn't have to be distressed by Jack's blood curdling screaming and I checked on him when Jack was back to sleep and Finn was just staring at the netting of the play pen, I put him back in his own crib and he also slept soundly.
Abby, sweet Abby had been rolled up in a ball in her bed with her arms to her ears because of the crying. I think she is also traumatized by how the night used to escalate in this situation. She relocated to our floor for the tantrum and decided to stay there, "I just want to stay with you, if that's okay" she says nicely at 1am.
SO here's why I was so distraught last night. One of the things Ferber wants you to do is learn all about sleep cycles and rhythms before you try to go to the problem/solution part of the book. And one of the "duh" things I learned was that there are two deep sleep sections of the night. The first part and the 4am-ish-on. It always drove me crazy that we would be up every 10, 15 minutes or every hour depending on the severity of the problem and then finally at 4 the child would fall deep asleep as if something had finally clicked.
SO here I was at 1 thinking - oh crap, I'm going to be up til 4 for sure.
BUT nope. Jack and Finn and Abby slept the rest of the night. Glory to God. No joke. Also to Ferber, who's help I believe helped me to break the previous patterns.
I have no idea how I kept calm, I was so sure it was going to be a horrible disaster and I just didn't see any hope and after all the hope of the last two weeks it was like I emotionally could not accept going backwards. Sleep is important folks. Sometimes not as important as the emotional needs of a child, but I think I proved that too. I spent time with Jack in between walkaways.
OH funniest thing of the night. One of the things that distresses him is when he cries or his nose runs and he needs a "tissue" (which is code for me blotting his face lovingly). Well, he's obviously been trying to conjugate this and told me, as he was crying, "Oh no, I'm tissing."
And funny poor Finn. We relocated him to the playpen so he didn't have to be distressed by Jack's blood curdling screaming and I checked on him when Jack was back to sleep and Finn was just staring at the netting of the play pen, I put him back in his own crib and he also slept soundly.
Abby, sweet Abby had been rolled up in a ball in her bed with her arms to her ears because of the crying. I think she is also traumatized by how the night used to escalate in this situation. She relocated to our floor for the tantrum and decided to stay there, "I just want to stay with you, if that's okay" she says nicely at 1am.
At this Point
I'm just embarrassed to pray at this point about sleep anymore.
I felt (still feel) pretty thankful for the insights I've gained and the huge strides we've all made as a family this last couple of weeks.
But now we're established, things are happening that just don't fit as easily in the boxes that have solutions as at first.
I feel like some sort of idiot with cotton in my ears and blinders at my eyes and no map. Not because the sleep is disintegrating but because I know that God is responsive and I'm just not getting any signal. Retune the rabbit ears I guess.
My kids are not sick. Not even a little. They haven't been for at least two months - that's like a marathon of non-sickness for kids. But still, the pain or enduring that they are going thru cuts me as if they were. I'd love to cave to Jack's tearful request to come into Mommy & Daddy's bed - especially after the other two kids got moved in there to escape the tantrum going on. But it would establish a pattern and to be perfectly honest, Jack my boy, I can't sleep anymore with you in the bed. He is too fitful, I am too fearful of disturbing him and tickling that insane "up in a flash" part of your brain. So NO babydoll, I have to say.
And it worked because, the ironic thing about parenting is that if you say it like you mean it and follow thru kid's think you're made of iron. In truth, I'm always SHOCKED when I assert my authority and it works.
Props to God for getting us here-for knowing more than us- for wherever he'll take us in the now and the future -but please, Oh please, Dear God, bless us again- make everyone sleep safely and soundly.
I felt (still feel) pretty thankful for the insights I've gained and the huge strides we've all made as a family this last couple of weeks.
But now we're established, things are happening that just don't fit as easily in the boxes that have solutions as at first.
I feel like some sort of idiot with cotton in my ears and blinders at my eyes and no map. Not because the sleep is disintegrating but because I know that God is responsive and I'm just not getting any signal. Retune the rabbit ears I guess.
My kids are not sick. Not even a little. They haven't been for at least two months - that's like a marathon of non-sickness for kids. But still, the pain or enduring that they are going thru cuts me as if they were. I'd love to cave to Jack's tearful request to come into Mommy & Daddy's bed - especially after the other two kids got moved in there to escape the tantrum going on. But it would establish a pattern and to be perfectly honest, Jack my boy, I can't sleep anymore with you in the bed. He is too fitful, I am too fearful of disturbing him and tickling that insane "up in a flash" part of your brain. So NO babydoll, I have to say.
And it worked because, the ironic thing about parenting is that if you say it like you mean it and follow thru kid's think you're made of iron. In truth, I'm always SHOCKED when I assert my authority and it works.
Props to God for getting us here-for knowing more than us- for wherever he'll take us in the now and the future -but please, Oh please, Dear God, bless us again- make everyone sleep safely and soundly.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Two Worlds
I assume those of you who spaced your children out in the standard sort of way face living in different school age worlds all the time.
I am currently, technically speaking, juggling three. Abby's full on PTA sort of world of being a elementary aged student's parent. Jack's co-op parent pre-school world in which I am well aware (and quite appreciative) that I am like a trainee. And Finn's world which is basically my world with tickling added.
Next year Jack & Finn's world collide and mash into one. I am probably going to be on the board for their school. And where I guess I am wondering, and Abby as well, does that leave my participation for ABBY'S world? I've done some photography for them - I go to the standard things. But I can't even imagine getting more involved there. Working at her school means either getting babysitting for Finn or doing it on one of Finn's few days at pre school...
It's not easy being the oldest I'm seeing more and more.
I am currently, technically speaking, juggling three. Abby's full on PTA sort of world of being a elementary aged student's parent. Jack's co-op parent pre-school world in which I am well aware (and quite appreciative) that I am like a trainee. And Finn's world which is basically my world with tickling added.
Next year Jack & Finn's world collide and mash into one. I am probably going to be on the board for their school. And where I guess I am wondering, and Abby as well, does that leave my participation for ABBY'S world? I've done some photography for them - I go to the standard things. But I can't even imagine getting more involved there. Working at her school means either getting babysitting for Finn or doing it on one of Finn's few days at pre school...
It's not easy being the oldest I'm seeing more and more.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Skinned Knees
The child psychologist who comes to ANS is always always referring to a book called 'the blessing of a skinned knee' which is a parenting book based on Jewish principles.
As I'm generally okay with skinned knees I haven't run out and bought it until recently. One reason I did was because I am not so okay with skinned feelings/egos. And basically I know in my HEAD that too much emphasis on wanting the kids to be happy and unhurt emotionally ALL the time is just as bad as physically.
Another parent in the group last time she recommended it felt too distracted by the Jewish teaching portion to get much out of it - but she admitted to basically feeling over sensitive to it because she was a lapsed Jew. Too funny. AND after finally getting the book, I can totally understand what she meant. BUT I think if you skip chapter 1 (which explains how she came to start combining her psychology and the Jewish teachings) it wouldn't be so jolting.
Anyway, so far so good. I do not need my kids to be outstanding at everything. I've always known they have their own very different personalities and needs and have even protected those temperaments by choosing NOT to put them in positions where they would 100% fail just because they are who they are and are not old enough to fake it appropriately in certain situations.
I get a good amount of teasing about this because it does mean/border on keeping them back overly much. But a lot of the time, even after a successful adventure, I agree with myself more than before. YES getting out there - proving that they (and I) can do it is valuable. But constant testing of that fence is not a peaceful way to live. Sometimes it's really okay to miss out on the funnest thing ever because nothing is going on.
I'd say so far the things that have rang true in the book for me to work on/pay extra close attention on are -
1. over-emphasizing the kids' specialness. I personally have a firm grasp of the old dichotomy that in one side pocket you should have a piece of paper that reminds you 'i am a speck of dust' and in the other you should have a piece of paper that reminds you 'the universe was made for me.' I am not sure that I am passing that on. I may only be passing on the latter.
2. appreciate my own temperament. (disclaimer, this is not a request for confirmation - I am totally happy with what I'm about to say) Even though my dreams for myself as a child basically included falling love, getting married and having kids... and maybe a little international espionage here and there... that does not mean that I am automatically particularly talented at being a stay at home mom. YES I am a fabulous mom. I love my kids past all reason. I am not totally crazy. I create a good environment to live. I'm not a failure. I do... some chores... sometimes... maybe. BUT I'm not talking about the basics. Yes, I think my kids will grow up just fine and happy and all that.
I'm just saying that as I get deeper into this world of parenting where I see how more women do what they do, I can tell you that I SEE the talented ones. I SEE the ones who were BUILT for being a stay at home mom. They love putting together crafts and lunches and being involved in the school and the kids. I think my mom-in-law is a great example of a Mom who was just MEANT to manage kids. And sure enough - that talent must have been apparent since she ended up running the daycare at PCS - revolutionizing it even?
Anyway, one of the concepts in the book is the insanity that during adolescence we expect our kids to excel at everything in a way we don't ever expect in any other time of their lives. She uses the example that we don't choose a doctor based on if he's better at us in basketball and we don't give our accountants a test on geology before asking him to do our taxes. I don't think I do this to my kids, but I do this to myself.
I am SCRAPING by at this stay at home mom business. If I was my own boss I would lovingly suggest pursuing something that better suits my skill sets, because sweetheart, you just don't have your heart in lunches and dinners and school activities.
I have known this was due since we got married. Because ridiculous as it may seem to those who have lived with me - I honestly thought I would enjoy homemaking. And I do - if you define homemaking as... uh... being with my husband and family... and... uh... well, that's about it. Don't get me wrong - I love when the house is beautifully designed and organized and put together - LOVE it. But I don't love doing it - it's like a huge math word problem that- sure I'm immensely proud of doing once it's done- but its NOT me. It's not my talent. It's not my heart's passion. It's just not.
Is it anyone's? YES. It really is. I've got some amazing super moms in my midst. Incredible cooks (Jen!), Incredible school moms (Shannon!), Incredible activity coordinators (Maggie!), Incredible designers (Kirsten!), Incredible craft people (Sarah!). Oh a lot of you are pretty amazing. I'm just amazing in my own way.
BUT it felt like too much of a cop out - I mean - heck, so what - I don't want to give it over to someone else (the parenting part anyway - the cooking and cleaning is anyone's game), so I just have to do my work with integrity and joy.
AND I've decided to add to that. To also do my work with grace for myself that I am scraping by until we get to a place in life where the kids are older, I have a little more time, I've figured out the carpooling/sports sharing stuff a little better... I know, I know, I know every point in child raising can be more crazy than the next. It's the principle of the thing. It's the hope that I can, without holding back my kid's talents, also continue to resist the temptation to destroy us all trying to be something I'm not.
Because that sort of thing just ends up frustrating a person, and when the person is the mom, basically that means frustrating everyone. I have to walk the line between accepting myself/ being who I am and stretching to make sure I give all I can to my kids. It's a tightrope walk, but luckily, one of my honest to goodness talents? Flexibility ;)
As I'm generally okay with skinned knees I haven't run out and bought it until recently. One reason I did was because I am not so okay with skinned feelings/egos. And basically I know in my HEAD that too much emphasis on wanting the kids to be happy and unhurt emotionally ALL the time is just as bad as physically.
Another parent in the group last time she recommended it felt too distracted by the Jewish teaching portion to get much out of it - but she admitted to basically feeling over sensitive to it because she was a lapsed Jew. Too funny. AND after finally getting the book, I can totally understand what she meant. BUT I think if you skip chapter 1 (which explains how she came to start combining her psychology and the Jewish teachings) it wouldn't be so jolting.
Anyway, so far so good. I do not need my kids to be outstanding at everything. I've always known they have their own very different personalities and needs and have even protected those temperaments by choosing NOT to put them in positions where they would 100% fail just because they are who they are and are not old enough to fake it appropriately in certain situations.
I get a good amount of teasing about this because it does mean/border on keeping them back overly much. But a lot of the time, even after a successful adventure, I agree with myself more than before. YES getting out there - proving that they (and I) can do it is valuable. But constant testing of that fence is not a peaceful way to live. Sometimes it's really okay to miss out on the funnest thing ever because nothing is going on.
I'd say so far the things that have rang true in the book for me to work on/pay extra close attention on are -
1. over-emphasizing the kids' specialness. I personally have a firm grasp of the old dichotomy that in one side pocket you should have a piece of paper that reminds you 'i am a speck of dust' and in the other you should have a piece of paper that reminds you 'the universe was made for me.' I am not sure that I am passing that on. I may only be passing on the latter.
2. appreciate my own temperament. (disclaimer, this is not a request for confirmation - I am totally happy with what I'm about to say) Even though my dreams for myself as a child basically included falling love, getting married and having kids... and maybe a little international espionage here and there... that does not mean that I am automatically particularly talented at being a stay at home mom. YES I am a fabulous mom. I love my kids past all reason. I am not totally crazy. I create a good environment to live. I'm not a failure. I do... some chores... sometimes... maybe. BUT I'm not talking about the basics. Yes, I think my kids will grow up just fine and happy and all that.
I'm just saying that as I get deeper into this world of parenting where I see how more women do what they do, I can tell you that I SEE the talented ones. I SEE the ones who were BUILT for being a stay at home mom. They love putting together crafts and lunches and being involved in the school and the kids. I think my mom-in-law is a great example of a Mom who was just MEANT to manage kids. And sure enough - that talent must have been apparent since she ended up running the daycare at PCS - revolutionizing it even?
Anyway, one of the concepts in the book is the insanity that during adolescence we expect our kids to excel at everything in a way we don't ever expect in any other time of their lives. She uses the example that we don't choose a doctor based on if he's better at us in basketball and we don't give our accountants a test on geology before asking him to do our taxes. I don't think I do this to my kids, but I do this to myself.
I am SCRAPING by at this stay at home mom business. If I was my own boss I would lovingly suggest pursuing something that better suits my skill sets, because sweetheart, you just don't have your heart in lunches and dinners and school activities.
I have known this was due since we got married. Because ridiculous as it may seem to those who have lived with me - I honestly thought I would enjoy homemaking. And I do - if you define homemaking as... uh... being with my husband and family... and... uh... well, that's about it. Don't get me wrong - I love when the house is beautifully designed and organized and put together - LOVE it. But I don't love doing it - it's like a huge math word problem that- sure I'm immensely proud of doing once it's done- but its NOT me. It's not my talent. It's not my heart's passion. It's just not.
Is it anyone's? YES. It really is. I've got some amazing super moms in my midst. Incredible cooks (Jen!), Incredible school moms (Shannon!), Incredible activity coordinators (Maggie!), Incredible designers (Kirsten!), Incredible craft people (Sarah!). Oh a lot of you are pretty amazing. I'm just amazing in my own way.
BUT it felt like too much of a cop out - I mean - heck, so what - I don't want to give it over to someone else (the parenting part anyway - the cooking and cleaning is anyone's game), so I just have to do my work with integrity and joy.
AND I've decided to add to that. To also do my work with grace for myself that I am scraping by until we get to a place in life where the kids are older, I have a little more time, I've figured out the carpooling/sports sharing stuff a little better... I know, I know, I know every point in child raising can be more crazy than the next. It's the principle of the thing. It's the hope that I can, without holding back my kid's talents, also continue to resist the temptation to destroy us all trying to be something I'm not.
Because that sort of thing just ends up frustrating a person, and when the person is the mom, basically that means frustrating everyone. I have to walk the line between accepting myself/ being who I am and stretching to make sure I give all I can to my kids. It's a tightrope walk, but luckily, one of my honest to goodness talents? Flexibility ;)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Follow me!
All three kids do this, did this. And it was funny with all of them. But boy am I thinking it looks cute on Finn.
He walks up to me, then turns around directly and walks away. He looks back (often to the detriment of his walking aim) and if I am not following him, scolds me in his baby talk and turns around again. Repeat until I follow (with more insistent scolding the longer this goes on).
I swear, he is so funny when he is cantankerous.
He walks up to me, then turns around directly and walks away. He looks back (often to the detriment of his walking aim) and if I am not following him, scolds me in his baby talk and turns around again. Repeat until I follow (with more insistent scolding the longer this goes on).
I swear, he is so funny when he is cantankerous.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Confusional Awakenings Diary
So - since we started sleep progression with Jack his night terrors (or confusional awakenings) have all but disappeared. It's been a week and a half and there have only been one or two unconscious awakenings. Fabulous.
Now the problem is, we were operating on three known "dysfunctions". 1 for sleep and 1 for night terrors and 1 for waking in the middle of the night ready to play.
Solution for night terrors is that you reintroduce the nap as it's often a sign of over-exhaustion. If it's not due to the nap then you basically just have to power thru until age 4 when MOST kids grow out of it.
Solution for sleepless nights was to make a Sleep association change (from me in the room to me out of the room). This has been fantastic and even works with the night terrors as when he does wake up from them he doesn't need me to be there to put himself back to sleep.
Solution for waking in the middle of the night was to keep naps but push back bedtime. Done and done and done.
So, the sleep association thing made so much sense and such a difference and didn't seem to depend too much on the nap thing that I've been focusing on that. Look, I have two other kids and a lot of other things going on - maybe my brain can only handle so much. Whatever the reason, I have been telling myself *not* to move heaven and earth so that Jack will definitely nap. Of course, since we started the sleep association thing he has naturally seemed to nap a whole lot easier, so I just haven't been worrying about it.
Today though, today I specifically didn't worry about the nap and tonight, oh tonight, I am paying dearly for it.
CA (confusional awakening) #1 9:30-9:50. It has something to do with James (from Thomas the train) dumping where he's not supposed to. It lasts long enough to wake Finn so I take Jack out of his room so he can freak out in private. He never actually awakens, just falls on his face dead asleep. I put him back to bed.
CA #2: 10-10:10. This one has something to do with candy. He wakes up after ten minutes thoroughly confused and annoyed he's not in his bed. Me: Do you want to go back in your bed? Jack: YES! (tone is: of course i want to be in bed! why the hell did you get me OUT of bed you crazy woman?)
CA #3: 10:15- 10:20. Quicker but still unconscious.
CA #4: 10:25- 10:30 I take Finn out of the room, poor kid and put him back in the pack n play. Unconscious Jack isn't comforted by anything anyway, so he just stays screaming in his bed.
10:30 - 11:07 (present) - Jack awake and upset by his throat - which probably gets raw from all the screaming. Sleep association still working wonders because he doesn't actually need me to stay with him to fall asleep he just gets uber annoyed at the pain? phlegm? Who knows. But after I assure him it's okay to cough, he gets back into bed and says "Goodnight Momma" and off I go. Of course when I come IN he tells me tragically "it's not working" (sleep or coughing, I'm not sure).
It's textbook night terror pattern and unfortunately, I don't think I'll have definite sleep until 2-4. All because I skipped the nap.
I assume.
This is what drives us mothers crazy. This is why I don't want to participate in life outside the house. Because other kids can handle a disruption to their schedule, my kids can't... not often anyway.
The sleep association change seems to mean that its no longer important that the nap be PERFECT (time/place/length) but it still apparently needs to happen.
Okay, it's been ten minutes. Dare I get my hopes up and go to bed?
update: Finn woke up at 12:30am so I moved him back to his crib. Jack woke up at 3:30 thinking it was morning, but had no fuss with being walked back to bed and left. Jack woke up at 6:15am and Finn at 7. So I'm not totally discouraged by all this. Believe it or not, before last week's big sleep change this would have been considered a good night!
Now the problem is, we were operating on three known "dysfunctions". 1 for sleep and 1 for night terrors and 1 for waking in the middle of the night ready to play.
Solution for night terrors is that you reintroduce the nap as it's often a sign of over-exhaustion. If it's not due to the nap then you basically just have to power thru until age 4 when MOST kids grow out of it.
Solution for sleepless nights was to make a Sleep association change (from me in the room to me out of the room). This has been fantastic and even works with the night terrors as when he does wake up from them he doesn't need me to be there to put himself back to sleep.
Solution for waking in the middle of the night was to keep naps but push back bedtime. Done and done and done.
So, the sleep association thing made so much sense and such a difference and didn't seem to depend too much on the nap thing that I've been focusing on that. Look, I have two other kids and a lot of other things going on - maybe my brain can only handle so much. Whatever the reason, I have been telling myself *not* to move heaven and earth so that Jack will definitely nap. Of course, since we started the sleep association thing he has naturally seemed to nap a whole lot easier, so I just haven't been worrying about it.
Today though, today I specifically didn't worry about the nap and tonight, oh tonight, I am paying dearly for it.
CA (confusional awakening) #1 9:30-9:50. It has something to do with James (from Thomas the train) dumping where he's not supposed to. It lasts long enough to wake Finn so I take Jack out of his room so he can freak out in private. He never actually awakens, just falls on his face dead asleep. I put him back to bed.
CA #2: 10-10:10. This one has something to do with candy. He wakes up after ten minutes thoroughly confused and annoyed he's not in his bed. Me: Do you want to go back in your bed? Jack: YES! (tone is: of course i want to be in bed! why the hell did you get me OUT of bed you crazy woman?)
CA #3: 10:15- 10:20. Quicker but still unconscious.
CA #4: 10:25- 10:30 I take Finn out of the room, poor kid and put him back in the pack n play. Unconscious Jack isn't comforted by anything anyway, so he just stays screaming in his bed.
10:30 - 11:07 (present) - Jack awake and upset by his throat - which probably gets raw from all the screaming. Sleep association still working wonders because he doesn't actually need me to stay with him to fall asleep he just gets uber annoyed at the pain? phlegm? Who knows. But after I assure him it's okay to cough, he gets back into bed and says "Goodnight Momma" and off I go. Of course when I come IN he tells me tragically "it's not working" (sleep or coughing, I'm not sure).
It's textbook night terror pattern and unfortunately, I don't think I'll have definite sleep until 2-4. All because I skipped the nap.
I assume.
This is what drives us mothers crazy. This is why I don't want to participate in life outside the house. Because other kids can handle a disruption to their schedule, my kids can't... not often anyway.
The sleep association change seems to mean that its no longer important that the nap be PERFECT (time/place/length) but it still apparently needs to happen.
Okay, it's been ten minutes. Dare I get my hopes up and go to bed?
update: Finn woke up at 12:30am so I moved him back to his crib. Jack woke up at 3:30 thinking it was morning, but had no fuss with being walked back to bed and left. Jack woke up at 6:15am and Finn at 7. So I'm not totally discouraged by all this. Believe it or not, before last week's big sleep change this would have been considered a good night!
Too Many Cooks...
Abby wanted to clean her room. Jack wanted to play with Abby. So Jack was bothering Abby while Abby wanted to clean her room. I hear some motherly tone from Abby but I continue cooking dinner.
Abby comes in to tell me Jack deserves a new train because he helped her clean her room instead of bothering her.
I say, 'Oh, well that is great, but I want Jack to help you just because it's good not because he gets a train."
She says, "Well, but I already promised him a train."
Enter Jack. Grinning and proud.
Luckily, I have a stockpile.
Abby comes in to tell me Jack deserves a new train because he helped her clean her room instead of bothering her.
I say, 'Oh, well that is great, but I want Jack to help you just because it's good not because he gets a train."
She says, "Well, but I already promised him a train."
Enter Jack. Grinning and proud.
Luckily, I have a stockpile.
At Arm's Length
I am basically a big believer in instincts. I'm a bit more wary on valuing emotions too high (my emotions have been VERY sure about some VERY dumb things) - but instinct; that I find trustworthy (even when I REALLY wanted to be sure of those aforementioned things, I had a mountain of instinctual doubt about it)
I think that Abby and I are just as we should be. This is not my favorite age of kids - well - it is and it isn't. It's my favorite age of Abby's because it's her right now and she's my favorite person and always will be (the same goes for all the kids - definition of the word favorite be damned). There is such a sweetness still and youth and all that. But there is a lot of doing innocent things that disrupt; disrupt only because the rest of the house is in 2/3 year old mode. I would say that is the biggest disadvantage to having kids farther apart. You have to swing so far dealing with one child vs. the other. She has such different needs naturally of course from the boys, and that is magnified by the age difference.
So we worry that she might feel overlooked, overshadowed - that she'll resent having to be quiet for naps and having to be independent at bedtime because we're doing something radically different for the boys bedtimes.
I also worry that I treat the boys like the littles that they are. They get hugged and cuddled constantly. Abby appreciates affection as well, but it's different and I think it should be.
BUT because of the other worries, I worry. Ha.
You know, if it was just her, and this is how our relationship and affection progressed then I wouldn't be worried about it. It makes sense how independent she is and I have always been proud of her crazy extravertiness. I would look over at her and give her a hug, but just know that she's all about learning and new friends and social EVERYTHING and crafts and the next fun thing. I wouldn't worry that we don't have the same intensely codependent relationship we once had when she was a little.
But, because I do have the other two little monkeys who's whole existence is anchored by the expression on my face and who I manage as if the wrong misstep could make our house crumble to it's foundation... The contrast is simply worrisome sometimes.
So I try to look in her eyes instead of constantly be moving when she's talking and take time out with her even if we're not talking and so on and so forth. My instinct says we're in the right place but I can't shake the instinct on the other side of the spectrum that says she's getting a raw deal. That all three of them, at different parts of the day, are.
I think that Abby and I are just as we should be. This is not my favorite age of kids - well - it is and it isn't. It's my favorite age of Abby's because it's her right now and she's my favorite person and always will be (the same goes for all the kids - definition of the word favorite be damned). There is such a sweetness still and youth and all that. But there is a lot of doing innocent things that disrupt; disrupt only because the rest of the house is in 2/3 year old mode. I would say that is the biggest disadvantage to having kids farther apart. You have to swing so far dealing with one child vs. the other. She has such different needs naturally of course from the boys, and that is magnified by the age difference.
So we worry that she might feel overlooked, overshadowed - that she'll resent having to be quiet for naps and having to be independent at bedtime because we're doing something radically different for the boys bedtimes.
I also worry that I treat the boys like the littles that they are. They get hugged and cuddled constantly. Abby appreciates affection as well, but it's different and I think it should be.
BUT because of the other worries, I worry. Ha.
You know, if it was just her, and this is how our relationship and affection progressed then I wouldn't be worried about it. It makes sense how independent she is and I have always been proud of her crazy extravertiness. I would look over at her and give her a hug, but just know that she's all about learning and new friends and social EVERYTHING and crafts and the next fun thing. I wouldn't worry that we don't have the same intensely codependent relationship we once had when she was a little.
But, because I do have the other two little monkeys who's whole existence is anchored by the expression on my face and who I manage as if the wrong misstep could make our house crumble to it's foundation... The contrast is simply worrisome sometimes.
So I try to look in her eyes instead of constantly be moving when she's talking and take time out with her even if we're not talking and so on and so forth. My instinct says we're in the right place but I can't shake the instinct on the other side of the spectrum that says she's getting a raw deal. That all three of them, at different parts of the day, are.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Unexpected Consequence
Before sleep intervention Jack could BARELY sleep in until 4am. I FORCED him to stay at least semi-prone until 4:45am.
Now, he sleeps until 5:45 (glory!) and would probably sleep later if not for...
FINN! Who, I'm guessing, used to sleep until 7am because he was so tired from his and his brother's night wakings.
FINN now gets up at 5am. 5:20 if I'm lucky.
Oh well. It was well well well worth it.
Now, he sleeps until 5:45 (glory!) and would probably sleep later if not for...
FINN! Who, I'm guessing, used to sleep until 7am because he was so tired from his and his brother's night wakings.
FINN now gets up at 5am. 5:20 if I'm lucky.
Oh well. It was well well well worth it.
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Boys!
I was a parent for four years, but before I had boys, I had never been hit in the eyeball by a bat. Now, it's par for the course. I check to make sure my contact hasn't shattered and I move on.
In the Hall
So, to continue on the topic of failure. I don't know how many nights since 2003 I have prayed for sleep - for my children... but there have been many.
The other silver lining about failure is that it is often a good litmus test for your current plan. Not to go all Dr. Phil on you, but the whole "how's that workin' for you?" is not nearly as flippant as it seems.
So, sleep. I have never been a fan of the 'cry-it-out' method or many of the variations therein. I have also never thought it causes unimaginable trauma either. Parents that are okay with it have kids that are okay with it - not via genetics, but just cuz - if Mom and Dad are okay with something it shows, it permeates and the kids, even while not happy, are probably going to adapt just fine to it. Still, even hand-holder me, have gotten to points with all the kids where I look into their sweet faces and I smile lovingly but confidently because I *know* that they are okay moving to the next level. They are going to benefit from a good thirty second cry rather than suffer for it. And then I've moved to another level of putting them to sleep - in the room or outside the room, whatever the stage.
This is when I moved out of Abby's room by explaining I would "read/be in the hall so you can go to sleep"
Recently though, the boys have been tag-teaming and more. Jack has been having night terrors or - the official term is Confusional Events (because night terrors are that you are literally running around screaming and freaking out where as Jack sits screaming and freaking out). They are fascinating, especially now that we know for sure he is totally unconscious and there is nothing to do but wait them out (and take him out of the room so that he doesn't wake Finn).
Beyond the night terrors - the boys would just wake and be... awake. We tried moving around naps and getting rid of them and eating less, more, sideways. But it wasn't until Miss Milly suggested actually reading Ferber's book rather than googling it that the light came on.
First off, he revised it to, for example, make a bigger point that he is NOT the cry it out guy at all and he does not advocate kids crying for hours alone in their beds (though, like me, he doesn't suggest it will hurt them forever). His method to re-learn sleep associations is going to mean some crying - but actually reading what he wants parents to know and do gave it all a very different spin. For example, he specifies that this progressive cry method that a lot of people use is ONLY to re-learn sleep associations, it's not going to work for every sleep problem. Also he said there is NOTHING about crying that is going to help the child sleep - the only point in going in to comfort the child for a minute or two and then leaving is that the hope is that EVENTUALLY the child will accidentally fall asleep without me in the room. Which is, for us, the sleep association that we're trying to break.
What I also think is great about him is that he used the "how's it working for you" in the sense that - if you don't mind rocking your child to sleep every night, and he sleeps just fine consistently, then he has NO problem with you continuing whatever the heck you want to do. If it's not working, but you are getting a payoff from it - i.e. "i am on the verge of being insane anyway - a night trying something knew that i don't know if its going to work or be the most awful thing I've ever experienced just might push me over the edge so no, this isn't working for me, but it's working enough for me right now"
See, this all seems so common sense now but... the key for me was when he said that the problem is not that the child wakes at night - all children (all people) wake in the middle of the night multiple times. He describes it that the brain only half wakens and sort of does a double-check to see that everything is okay, everything is "normal". But that the brain defines normal by what it remembers the last time it was conscious. So, "normal" is that I'm in the chair working on the computer or just sitting there napping. So the brain looks over expecting to see me, doesn't and further wakens. And voila - screaming from Finn or Jack coming to get me.
I had always thought of whether or not they slept as this magic formula of what I did during the day. What they watched, how much activity they had, how much they ate/what they ate, how did the nap go etc. etc. etc. And I'm sure all those things can be factors. But none of them explained as simply and as completely as the sleep association thing (in combination with the deep sleep patterns AND the first person ever to me that Jack's internal clock might be telling me that he simply cannot sleep as long as I am trying to get him to sleep so put him to bed a little later)
So after I got NO sleep on Friday because BOTH boys woke up every ten minutes and (after realizing I had snuck off to bed) reawakened (as Ferber said, wouldn't you? if someone kept sneaking off with your pillow?). Off we went on Saturday to start this whole progressive sleep thing. Oh, and my favorite thing Ferber recommends? Cheating. He said-the first night - start him off WELL later than his normal bedtime, just to get a headstart. (Finn, who does NOT usually wake up as if he's being asked to sleep too much per his internal clock went down without a fuss at his usual time)
So we did. And... Steve just walked away. No fuss, no problems. Jack went to sleep with no one in the room and.... dum
dum
DUM... did he have night terrors? no. Did he wake at 10? no. Did he wake at midnight? no. Did he wake at 2am?
Yes. And it was awful. It was horrible awful horrible. Not because Jack was in such distress (that was fascinating, he totally swung between trying to figure out what would work to get us to change what we were doing. When crying didn't work, he pleaded. When pleading didn't work he became authoritative, "Momma. You get in here right now." It was very cute.) but because Finn also has the same sleep association problem and he DID go to sleep within ten minutes of us going in the room and leaving back and forth, but then he'd have to do it over and over again because Jack's distress woke him up again. That was just plain not fair.
We fired up the ole' pack n play, put Finn (and Abby who also couldn't sleep in the ruckus) to sleep in our room and at 4am I cheated and oh I cheated good. Instead of having him stay in his bed which is what he does for Daddy and scream. I took over and for me he comes out and has to be walked back in. So I walked him back in five times maybe right in a row to sort of establish the routine and that was it - he was out. BUT it was 4am. We were not feeling victorious by any means. We figured now we were going to have Finn & Abby in our room for a week while we figured this out and then we were going to have to do the whole thing over again with Finn and blah blah blah blah.
BUT next night. I put Finn to bed first (left the room, no trouble). Then I put Abby to bed. Then Jack came up to say he was ready to bed. I put him to bed, promised him a cookie if he stayed in his bed all night and...
LEFT
THE
ROOM.
And... holy cow he went to sleep. He stayed asleep until 3:45 which is pretty dang good, then slept til 6.
Next night. Last night. Now we have a routine. Jack wanted to go to bed even earlier. And the same song and dance. And he slept til 5:45 which, gosh darn it, is FANTASTIC.
And we just never would have been motivated to make a big change if the sleep was just a little inconsistent. Because most of the time that's all it was. Three good weeks, one bad, etc. then the other boy would act up and so on. We would have just waited until they grew out of needing us.
The other thing I respected Ferber for? Being upfront that this might need to be relearned after every sickness, every big change (moving/sibling/etc), every trip. But that if you get a routine that you are comfortable with, it will not be an emotional upheaval for you. THAT is what drove me crazy about other cry-it-out sorts... They asked me to do something I was completely and totally NOT okay with in exchange for the promise of good sleep... BUT no apologies for having to do the whole thing over again when the uncommon happens.
In conclusion. I am writing this because I know I will forget. And some person like me who was not ready for a change at 1 year is ready for a change at 3 years and this will be a distant memory. And I will say something like 'oh, it took a few days - they all do, but I was happy with my method... why? Because if just felt better but I don't remember why".
AND a cautionary tale to myself and everyone else. We moms can often NOT make a change until we are READY to make a change. A lot of you men don't get this. I know. But I don't get why it took you all so long to be ready to settle down so there. We need to be ready for the change to really make it happen. And so often, it is horrible and consistent failure that readies us for that change, so ... like I keep saying, failure - it's a good thing.
The other silver lining about failure is that it is often a good litmus test for your current plan. Not to go all Dr. Phil on you, but the whole "how's that workin' for you?" is not nearly as flippant as it seems.
So, sleep. I have never been a fan of the 'cry-it-out' method or many of the variations therein. I have also never thought it causes unimaginable trauma either. Parents that are okay with it have kids that are okay with it - not via genetics, but just cuz - if Mom and Dad are okay with something it shows, it permeates and the kids, even while not happy, are probably going to adapt just fine to it. Still, even hand-holder me, have gotten to points with all the kids where I look into their sweet faces and I smile lovingly but confidently because I *know* that they are okay moving to the next level. They are going to benefit from a good thirty second cry rather than suffer for it. And then I've moved to another level of putting them to sleep - in the room or outside the room, whatever the stage.
This is when I moved out of Abby's room by explaining I would "read/be in the hall so you can go to sleep"
Recently though, the boys have been tag-teaming and more. Jack has been having night terrors or - the official term is Confusional Events (because night terrors are that you are literally running around screaming and freaking out where as Jack sits screaming and freaking out). They are fascinating, especially now that we know for sure he is totally unconscious and there is nothing to do but wait them out (and take him out of the room so that he doesn't wake Finn).
Beyond the night terrors - the boys would just wake and be... awake. We tried moving around naps and getting rid of them and eating less, more, sideways. But it wasn't until Miss Milly suggested actually reading Ferber's book rather than googling it that the light came on.
First off, he revised it to, for example, make a bigger point that he is NOT the cry it out guy at all and he does not advocate kids crying for hours alone in their beds (though, like me, he doesn't suggest it will hurt them forever). His method to re-learn sleep associations is going to mean some crying - but actually reading what he wants parents to know and do gave it all a very different spin. For example, he specifies that this progressive cry method that a lot of people use is ONLY to re-learn sleep associations, it's not going to work for every sleep problem. Also he said there is NOTHING about crying that is going to help the child sleep - the only point in going in to comfort the child for a minute or two and then leaving is that the hope is that EVENTUALLY the child will accidentally fall asleep without me in the room. Which is, for us, the sleep association that we're trying to break.
What I also think is great about him is that he used the "how's it working for you" in the sense that - if you don't mind rocking your child to sleep every night, and he sleeps just fine consistently, then he has NO problem with you continuing whatever the heck you want to do. If it's not working, but you are getting a payoff from it - i.e. "i am on the verge of being insane anyway - a night trying something knew that i don't know if its going to work or be the most awful thing I've ever experienced just might push me over the edge so no, this isn't working for me, but it's working enough for me right now"
See, this all seems so common sense now but... the key for me was when he said that the problem is not that the child wakes at night - all children (all people) wake in the middle of the night multiple times. He describes it that the brain only half wakens and sort of does a double-check to see that everything is okay, everything is "normal". But that the brain defines normal by what it remembers the last time it was conscious. So, "normal" is that I'm in the chair working on the computer or just sitting there napping. So the brain looks over expecting to see me, doesn't and further wakens. And voila - screaming from Finn or Jack coming to get me.
I had always thought of whether or not they slept as this magic formula of what I did during the day. What they watched, how much activity they had, how much they ate/what they ate, how did the nap go etc. etc. etc. And I'm sure all those things can be factors. But none of them explained as simply and as completely as the sleep association thing (in combination with the deep sleep patterns AND the first person ever to me that Jack's internal clock might be telling me that he simply cannot sleep as long as I am trying to get him to sleep so put him to bed a little later)
So after I got NO sleep on Friday because BOTH boys woke up every ten minutes and (after realizing I had snuck off to bed) reawakened (as Ferber said, wouldn't you? if someone kept sneaking off with your pillow?). Off we went on Saturday to start this whole progressive sleep thing. Oh, and my favorite thing Ferber recommends? Cheating. He said-the first night - start him off WELL later than his normal bedtime, just to get a headstart. (Finn, who does NOT usually wake up as if he's being asked to sleep too much per his internal clock went down without a fuss at his usual time)
So we did. And... Steve just walked away. No fuss, no problems. Jack went to sleep with no one in the room and.... dum
dum
DUM... did he have night terrors? no. Did he wake at 10? no. Did he wake at midnight? no. Did he wake at 2am?
Yes. And it was awful. It was horrible awful horrible. Not because Jack was in such distress (that was fascinating, he totally swung between trying to figure out what would work to get us to change what we were doing. When crying didn't work, he pleaded. When pleading didn't work he became authoritative, "Momma. You get in here right now." It was very cute.) but because Finn also has the same sleep association problem and he DID go to sleep within ten minutes of us going in the room and leaving back and forth, but then he'd have to do it over and over again because Jack's distress woke him up again. That was just plain not fair.
We fired up the ole' pack n play, put Finn (and Abby who also couldn't sleep in the ruckus) to sleep in our room and at 4am I cheated and oh I cheated good. Instead of having him stay in his bed which is what he does for Daddy and scream. I took over and for me he comes out and has to be walked back in. So I walked him back in five times maybe right in a row to sort of establish the routine and that was it - he was out. BUT it was 4am. We were not feeling victorious by any means. We figured now we were going to have Finn & Abby in our room for a week while we figured this out and then we were going to have to do the whole thing over again with Finn and blah blah blah blah.
BUT next night. I put Finn to bed first (left the room, no trouble). Then I put Abby to bed. Then Jack came up to say he was ready to bed. I put him to bed, promised him a cookie if he stayed in his bed all night and...
LEFT
THE
ROOM.
And... holy cow he went to sleep. He stayed asleep until 3:45 which is pretty dang good, then slept til 6.
Next night. Last night. Now we have a routine. Jack wanted to go to bed even earlier. And the same song and dance. And he slept til 5:45 which, gosh darn it, is FANTASTIC.
And we just never would have been motivated to make a big change if the sleep was just a little inconsistent. Because most of the time that's all it was. Three good weeks, one bad, etc. then the other boy would act up and so on. We would have just waited until they grew out of needing us.
The other thing I respected Ferber for? Being upfront that this might need to be relearned after every sickness, every big change (moving/sibling/etc), every trip. But that if you get a routine that you are comfortable with, it will not be an emotional upheaval for you. THAT is what drove me crazy about other cry-it-out sorts... They asked me to do something I was completely and totally NOT okay with in exchange for the promise of good sleep... BUT no apologies for having to do the whole thing over again when the uncommon happens.
In conclusion. I am writing this because I know I will forget. And some person like me who was not ready for a change at 1 year is ready for a change at 3 years and this will be a distant memory. And I will say something like 'oh, it took a few days - they all do, but I was happy with my method... why? Because if just felt better but I don't remember why".
AND a cautionary tale to myself and everyone else. We moms can often NOT make a change until we are READY to make a change. A lot of you men don't get this. I know. But I don't get why it took you all so long to be ready to settle down so there. We need to be ready for the change to really make it happen. And so often, it is horrible and consistent failure that readies us for that change, so ... like I keep saying, failure - it's a good thing.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
No Where to Go but UP
So I've been preaching a lot about failure since December. Because I have noticed that I am resistant to make a big change (not simply because I'm stubborn, not simply because I'm tired or overwhelmed, but because I'm trying to show a stick-to-it-iveness that often is really a martyrdom) unless I've failed completely doing whatever I am currently doing.
I have realized that I am incredibly grateful for the negative answered prayers and the horrible failures recently. Because without really truly failing, I don't really truly make a big change. It's like I'm trying so hard to keep going along the path I'm on that when finally there is a big enough wall in my path that I *know* for sure that I am right to move to another path, it is such a relief. Even if it's been a horrible failure.
We had a big time failure with the kids' teeth in December and it, no joke, caused us to question ourselves in pretty much every conceivable way.
I feel like we have been coasting thru parenthood as if we are young parents and this whole baby/kid thing hasn't quite set in that we are actually the adults here - in charge and responsible. I mean, that sounds awful. We have *never* allowed disrespect from the kids, we have always been quick to adjust hitting, screaming, kicking behaviors. So it's not like we've been laying back with our feet up letting the kids run rampant. BUT it's as if we sort of thought laying back with our feet up *should* have a place in our day to day routine and, quite frankly, it's not really a right right now.
I think the closest thing I can relate it to would be as if our kids were guests and while we love being with them - we figured they should be able to entertain themselves a good amount of the day. Instead of sitting on the ground as a default, setting up the games to play, the routines (Beyond nap, lunch, etc) and such, it was like 'okay we'll play this game for five minutes, then I'll get back to what *I* planned to be doing right now'.
It might not even be that we're playing any more than we were before, but our mindset is different. Instead of the chore, it is the rule and if we happen to have luxury time later - then that's the rub. Because we have to make a lot more difficult decisions when we have less time set aside to try to do EVERYTHING.
Point being, without the crappy situation with the kids' teeth we may never have gotten low enough into a pit to make a positive change and I love the change we made.
I have realized that I am incredibly grateful for the negative answered prayers and the horrible failures recently. Because without really truly failing, I don't really truly make a big change. It's like I'm trying so hard to keep going along the path I'm on that when finally there is a big enough wall in my path that I *know* for sure that I am right to move to another path, it is such a relief. Even if it's been a horrible failure.
We had a big time failure with the kids' teeth in December and it, no joke, caused us to question ourselves in pretty much every conceivable way.
I feel like we have been coasting thru parenthood as if we are young parents and this whole baby/kid thing hasn't quite set in that we are actually the adults here - in charge and responsible. I mean, that sounds awful. We have *never* allowed disrespect from the kids, we have always been quick to adjust hitting, screaming, kicking behaviors. So it's not like we've been laying back with our feet up letting the kids run rampant. BUT it's as if we sort of thought laying back with our feet up *should* have a place in our day to day routine and, quite frankly, it's not really a right right now.
I think the closest thing I can relate it to would be as if our kids were guests and while we love being with them - we figured they should be able to entertain themselves a good amount of the day. Instead of sitting on the ground as a default, setting up the games to play, the routines (Beyond nap, lunch, etc) and such, it was like 'okay we'll play this game for five minutes, then I'll get back to what *I* planned to be doing right now'.
It might not even be that we're playing any more than we were before, but our mindset is different. Instead of the chore, it is the rule and if we happen to have luxury time later - then that's the rub. Because we have to make a lot more difficult decisions when we have less time set aside to try to do EVERYTHING.
Point being, without the crappy situation with the kids' teeth we may never have gotten low enough into a pit to make a positive change and I love the change we made.
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