Skinned Knees

The child psychologist who comes to ANS is always always referring to a book called 'the blessing of a skinned knee' which is a parenting book based on Jewish principles.

As I'm generally okay with skinned knees I haven't run out and bought it until recently. One reason I did was because I am not so okay with skinned feelings/egos. And basically I know in my HEAD that too much emphasis on wanting the kids to be happy and unhurt emotionally ALL the time is just as bad as physically.

Another parent in the group last time she recommended it felt too distracted by the Jewish teaching portion to get much out of it - but she admitted to basically feeling over sensitive to it because she was a lapsed Jew. Too funny. AND after finally getting the book, I can totally understand what she meant. BUT I think if you skip chapter 1 (which explains how she came to start combining her psychology and the Jewish teachings) it wouldn't be so jolting.

Anyway, so far so good. I do not need my kids to be outstanding at everything. I've always known they have their own very different personalities and needs and have even protected those temperaments by choosing NOT to put them in positions where they would 100% fail just because they are who they are and are not old enough to fake it appropriately in certain situations.

I get a good amount of teasing about this because it does mean/border on keeping them back overly much. But a lot of the time, even after a successful adventure, I agree with myself more than before. YES getting out there - proving that they (and I) can do it is valuable. But constant testing of that fence is not a peaceful way to live. Sometimes it's really okay to miss out on the funnest thing ever because nothing is going on.

I'd say so far the things that have rang true in the book for me to work on/pay extra close attention on are -

1. over-emphasizing the kids' specialness. I personally have a firm grasp of the old dichotomy that in one side pocket you should have a piece of paper that reminds you 'i am a speck of dust' and in the other you should have a piece of paper that reminds you 'the universe was made for me.' I am not sure that I am passing that on. I may only be passing on the latter.

2. appreciate my own temperament. (disclaimer, this is not a request for confirmation - I am totally happy with what I'm about to say) Even though my dreams for myself as a child basically included falling love, getting married and having kids... and maybe a little international espionage here and there... that does not mean that I am automatically particularly talented at being a stay at home mom. YES I am a fabulous mom. I love my kids past all reason. I am not totally crazy. I create a good environment to live. I'm not a failure. I do... some chores... sometimes... maybe. BUT I'm not talking about the basics. Yes, I think my kids will grow up just fine and happy and all that.

I'm just saying that as I get deeper into this world of parenting where I see how more women do what they do, I can tell you that I SEE the talented ones. I SEE the ones who were BUILT for being a stay at home mom. They love putting together crafts and lunches and being involved in the school and the kids. I think my mom-in-law is a great example of a Mom who was just MEANT to manage kids. And sure enough - that talent must have been apparent since she ended up running the daycare at PCS - revolutionizing it even?

Anyway, one of the concepts in the book is the insanity that during adolescence we expect our kids to excel at everything in a way we don't ever expect in any other time of their lives. She uses the example that we don't choose a doctor based on if he's better at us in basketball and we don't give our accountants a test on geology before asking him to do our taxes. I don't think I do this to my kids, but I do this to myself.

I am SCRAPING by at this stay at home mom business. If I was my own boss I would lovingly suggest pursuing something that better suits my skill sets, because sweetheart, you just don't have your heart in lunches and dinners and school activities.

I have known this was due since we got married. Because ridiculous as it may seem to those who have lived with me - I honestly thought I would enjoy homemaking. And I do - if you define homemaking as... uh... being with my husband and family... and... uh... well, that's about it. Don't get me wrong - I love when the house is beautifully designed and organized and put together - LOVE it. But I don't love doing it - it's like a huge math word problem that- sure I'm immensely proud of doing once it's done- but its NOT me. It's not my talent. It's not my heart's passion. It's just not.

Is it anyone's? YES. It really is. I've got some amazing super moms in my midst. Incredible cooks (Jen!), Incredible school moms (Shannon!), Incredible activity coordinators (Maggie!), Incredible designers (Kirsten!), Incredible craft people (Sarah!). Oh a lot of you are pretty amazing. I'm just amazing in my own way.

BUT it felt like too much of a cop out - I mean - heck, so what - I don't want to give it over to someone else (the parenting part anyway - the cooking and cleaning is anyone's game), so I just have to do my work with integrity and joy.

AND I've decided to add to that. To also do my work with grace for myself that I am scraping by until we get to a place in life where the kids are older, I have a little more time, I've figured out the carpooling/sports sharing stuff a little better... I know, I know, I know every point in child raising can be more crazy than the next. It's the principle of the thing. It's the hope that I can, without holding back my kid's talents, also continue to resist the temptation to destroy us all trying to be something I'm not.

Because that sort of thing just ends up frustrating a person, and when the person is the mom, basically that means frustrating everyone. I have to walk the line between accepting myself/ being who I am and stretching to make sure I give all I can to my kids. It's a tightrope walk, but luckily, one of my honest to goodness talents? Flexibility ;)