Hugs and Kisses

Leaving Wesley on Wednesday.

Princesses and Pirates

What is it about getting a picture of a baby smiling that makes me feel so smug?












Abby was a little envious of Josh's photo session which was fine with me because I got a very willing Abby-model out of it! (Oh, the pirate reference - usually when Josh smiles he squints one eye and one side of his mouth is higher - so he looks like a pirate)

A few little things I want to get down before I forget even though they are totally off topic:
Abby found a playmate at the park Monday but didn't figure out his name so she would call out, "Friiiiiiiennnd?, Where are you Friennnd?"
We went on the Small World ride today at Disneyland and Abby called out to the other kids on the boat to make sure they looked up.
Oh, and she really likes churros.

Easter Bubbles

Other times...

Sometimes I compare pictures of Abby over her three and a half year life and can hardly believe how far away her baby years feel. Other times I catch an expression from the past as if not a second has passed...
Abby at her first birthday party:

vs. Abby's reaction to seeing Poppa coming to pick her up for their adventure day.

What I never want to forget...

I never ever want to forget how Abby says "nemennems" (aka M&Ms). I don't remember the first time - it took me a while to realize what the word was because initially she tripped over her tongue so much - initially the only way she could figure out how to say it was to stick out her tongue, hum, say 'nem' and stick out her tongue and hum again... so it was like "blemenblemems."

I never want to forget how much she is talking right now. She was watching Harry Potter downstairs and came up stairs during a scary part to relieve some anxiety by talking about it and reiterating everything,

a:What are those bad guys in the train, the window, the bad mentos - what are they called again?
A: Dementors
a: Remember when they were on the train and at the window and they were trying to hurt Harry Potter, why are they trying to hurt him? What are they trying to do to him?
A: They want to hurt him because they're mean and bad!
a: *nervous giggle* Yup and do you remember when that mean, BIG, dinosaur was trying to get at Harry Potter...with the BIG teeth and the tail, do you remember?!
A: I do!
a: Harry Potter was all right though, he GOT that dinosaur and that dinosaur couldn't hurt him anymore and do you remember that he lives in a castle?

I never want to forget and yet it feels like it slips through my fingers constantly. How she makes deals and affirms my decisions and is so brilliant. She loves to play with dry spaghetti. It's a mess but it's not a messy mess. I wanted her to clean them up and she couldn't resist the urge to break them up whilst picking them up (thereby creating more mess) and I told her if she broke them anymore I would take away her toy. And she said, obviously distressed (but not emotionally distressed - more like logically distressed ) "But, when I'm walking to get them they will break sometimes when I'm walking."

It was just... so true. In order to pick them up she would surely walk on quite a few which would break them and that hardly seemed fair to be penalized for!

How she cuddles and laughs and thinks...

The urge to hold onto right now is just as strong as the desire to watch her go forward.

Foil?

So, I've been wondering recently if my whole 'friend' issue has to do with my reading world... or tv/movie world.

I think ideally I get annoyed when my friends are not devoted to me and my life. They have moods that don't further my plot. They have families that they need or require something from them. They get hurt, annoyed and offended by me - they misunderstand me, they don't have the exact right thing to say which will inspire the next epiphany every time we talk. Everything they say doesn't even apply directly to the overall arc of my storyline. They don't act as my foil - they act as if they are independent of me!

In short, they don't seem to be written to fit especially into my story.

The nerve!

Is it weird that I am actually a little bit hurt by this sometimes? It's funny - to encourage some down and out person on his show, Dr. Phil (yeah, I admitted it - I watch him - wanna tussle?) sometimes says, "You've got to be the star in your own life."

Not a problem with me! I've always felt that, done that, lived that. My mom is so proud of me for being a trooper after the top layer of skin on my face was burned to a blackened crisp by a citric acid peel @ the dermatologist's office. And hey - I appreciate being appreciated for that. But I was how I was because I had this whole plot inside my head - the temporarily deformed heroine taking on the world and probably some international mystery while I as at it.

So, star in my own life - check. Now where do I sign up for side kicks?

Steve you ask? He's more the arch nemesis type - isn't he? He would have so much fun being deliciously evil. I'll bet he'd have his lusciously nefarious outfit all designed in his head if you asked.

Of course it's not the whole 'would you rather be with someone you love who doesn't love you or someone that loves you but you don't love' question because in the books it doesn't have to be a either/or. The friend is written to just exactly fit and balance and like/appreciate me just exactly as much as I like/appreciate her.

AND she'd obviously move wherever I move and find a house two doors down and promise never ever to move away.

I dunno - it seemed reasonable a few years ago...

Cousins

Spring Bloom, Spring Ears, Spring Break

Spring is here and it's a great time at the pre-school. Abby made a carrot as tall as herself. She decorated a basket and put soil and seeds and water together and grew grass in it. They decorated REAL eggs. Here are her bunny ears...


Along with spring has come a resurgence in pretend play. Yesterday all the characters from Handy Manny were misbehaving and Abby had to sort them all out gently.

We walked around using a broken phone to call all the Princesses who, we were all very relieved to confirm all like treats and toys just like Abby.

She also ordered Poppa to come and get her and reassured Gramma that Abby would come to her later tonight.


With all this blooming excitement sometimes a girl just needs to take her Cheeze-its, her dry soup and her water and just get away from it all with a good friend. Or crawl under the desk with the cranky cat and a bunch of dangerous looking wires... whatever works.

If I Can't Make Chocolate Chip Cookies

...to cure myself of a depressive sort of mood because that will ultimately make me a fat relatively repressed person, here are a few other things that work to self-medicate:

Do something useful for someone. Anything that makes me think someone might be thankful that I did that something.
Do something useful around the house. It eases the mind if nothing else - one less thing to do.
Listen to Abby talk in her sleep, "No silly, teeth don't go on your forehead!!!"
Fuzzy warm thick socks (still useful even with heat)
Blog about the good.
Sleep next to someone you love

Long time, no mention...

Had a breakthrough tonight with my outline for the book. This is huge for me. I can write a hundred thousand words no problem. Have done so in the fanfiction world for years. It was trying to create a storyline - one cohesive interesting complete storyline that I didn't believe I could do.

But despite all odds, I have finally stuck little color coded index cards to a big piece of paper. This is huge. I can basically... basically just write it now. There are a few fuzzy subplots, but they'll focus on their own as I write them.

Still feel a bit embarrassed if anyone thinks I think it's something that would sell. But am basically happy in doing it now to make it something I would buy. My crazy forays into fanfiction have, if nothing else, prepared me and even inspired me to write a story the way I want it for myself and really mean it. And I'm so very into the story that that is a realistic desire for me to have... I want to write it so it's OUT of my head and I can read it.

3 posts for April Fool's. Must just be happy I'm through with March!

Nature is not Warm and Fuzzy.

If anyone doesn't know about the Discovery HD series "Planet Earth" it's spectacular as it should be!

However, leave you warm and happy it does not. For example apparently babies of all species are easier to catch and eat than adults. But, of course, anytime a baby gets away - the predator's babies die.

It's all rather depressing. But hey - SPECTACULAR pictures.


Planet Adrea:

In the dusk, California says goodbye to a long, seemingly never-ending March. Little do the inhabitants of this old Spanish home realize, but sleep will elude them this night. The last breath of March has the last laugh...


Feline Tabby basks in the sunlight. She lives in a converted dungeon so the rays are not taken for granted. Her determination to mew her owners unto insanity shimmers in her green amber eyes...

The Odd Emotion Creeps Up

Abby went to the movies today with Auntie Samantha. They saw "Meet the Robinson's" Abby did spectacular. She was so proud of herself for not being afraid. And except for a couple absolutely necessary comments, kept pretty quiet.

I may not have sounded confident, but as I drove away I got one of those pangs that comes with watching someone you love so much gain independence from you inch by inch.

*see them? crossing the street all by themselves from my side mirror.

New Addiction...

www.myheritage.com has does facial recognition (it's really photo recognition) so that you can see what celebrities you (or your photo) resembles.

I don't know if I can get mine to post here... I'll try.

It changes depending on if your hair is covering your face at all and if you're facing the camera perfectly. But I can definitely see the similarities. Some in the face, some just in the angle of my face for the photo!!

Taken off to preserve blog space...

The Year March Stood Still...

Has anyone else noticed that it has taken three or four years to get through March? A friend asked yesterday if I was still sending out snapfish albums. I am - just at the end of each month and ... well... March doesn't ever seem to have an end!

very very busy

I have realized recently that my anxiety is... ill proportioned to reality. I worry about things I do not need to worry about. And my anxiety blows everything out of proportion.

My pride would like to remind you all that there are times when I have been very very good about this. Times when I have tackled the uncomfortable and forced myself to coast through. I am proud of those times.

This week was not one of those times. It happens worst when something new is about to happen or when things are piled on top of each other. And that is what happened this week. Blah.

An example:

Last week I was anxious about calling for an appointment with my doctor. It had been two and a half years since my last appointment and it's only supposed to be a year. They would be disappointed in my performance, that's for sure. And what if there were changes in the protocol from before or what if they don't take my insurance anymore!

Then I was anxious about when to schedule it. During Abby's school hours or not? I decided during because that is what they had... what if it went long and I couldn't get back to the school in time? Poppa to the rescue there.

So then I was anxious about what it would be like... Would they scold me for not coming in regularly, should I tell a sob story about the house distractions or does that sound defensive? would I need to undress, would it be awkward?

On the day I am mostly worried about the insurance card and the possible scolding... and if Poppa got lost on the way to the pre-school - if they give him trouble - if Abby remembers to grab her backpack, if Poppa gets lost on the way to the mall. Is the doctor going to notice I missed a spot shaving my ankle? Am I blabbering like a nervous person? Do they hate it when people come in all anxious? Remember to actually listen to what they tell me to do and not just assume. Do I sound like one of those patients who thinks they know everything? Do I sound believable and basically normal?

And then I leave and almost get stuck in an elevator (I swear I was in there with a woman and we tried three times to make this elevator go and it wouldn't go) then I realize I forgot to ask all the questions I meant to ask.

All in all... I like myself better when I am not anxious. I have it in me to go with the flow and to take charge when need be. However I also find being anxious a little comforting... like I know I'm going through everything and getting everything set. I tend to forget large things when I'm in my 'chill' periods.

More than anything I just don't want to make Abby an anxious person - if it's not too late for that.

Moving Forward at Lake...

We officially... or... I think officially. Half officially? have a new pastor at Lake Ave. Hazel? Is it not totally official until he officially accepts?

I was particularly excited about this Sunday which meant we were going to hear him preach for the first time but also just for the general excitement of starting the next generation of Lake. But I was surprised by the emotion of the day.

After all, this man will become a staple to our family history. And we were there at the beginning of his history at Lake. It was really special. Especially - when he was introduced with his family the congregation gave him this huge standing ovation (obviously partly that was a gratitude to God thing too for bringing us someone) and I don't know if he was emotional about it or not, but it just felt like an important moment. I was proud of our congregation for showing such total support and welcome even before the vote.

I think that started things off well. I was proud to be part of the day. And I'm proud to have known two people on the committee that found the new pastor. Hazel, even if it meant you didn't have salsa and hot fudge with me enough, you did a good work. *Awkward kiss on your forehead.*

Shiney Happy...

The Happy Project

With all the men vs women group studies we've been doing, I decided to see how it would affect my household if I strived to be in a basically good mood when at all possible.

I've certainly wished over the years that Steve would come home happy because it cast such a pall over the entire night when he used to... not. I would feel that it was up to me every night to buoy up his mood.

And I realized that after a while I had become resentful that his mood was going to need bolstering so I started starting the evening in cruddy spirits. So that, even when he was in a happy mood, I brought him down.

There were multiple (and still are) times when neither of us intends to give off an unhappy or dissatisfied air but simply by not being specifically positive it can feel negative to the other person.

So... that's the project. I have to say it was a lot easier the first two days since I'd just come off of a weekend where I'd had a lot of 'me' time.

And it's already exponentially more difficult today since Abby was up periodically from 3-5am this morning - which ended up fine considering I couldn't get back to sleep. And when I finally did - she woke up for good at 6am. (there will be a nap today even if it takes three hours to make it happen)

So... it's not about being inauthentic. It's about making the effort to find my happy.

Of course, today it might just be about not eviscerating anyone who crosses my path.

Before she got sick

Steve's Daughter

Part One: Abby got a ton of sleep this morning (no, not last night, this morning) and since she basically didn't get up til 11am, I obviously didn't try to get her down for her nap. Anyway, she was a little more hyped up than normal when I put her to bed and for a good ten minute span was repeating in monotone, "My eye. My eye. My eye. My eye. My eye." She wanted me to come back and put Vaseline on her eye because someone *cough* mom *cough* has sworn to Abby that Vaseline can cure anything.

I had to put that in there because... it was just so... hilariously... I don't know.

Part Two: As I may have mentioned, Abby has started naming things (people, places, stuffed animals) finally. Except she's not naming them Bob, Jane, Mary. No, she's naming them "ptuchey la la hookcha." "Bear Bear" (pictured below) is now "Princess Tahukney Putnkey" and Nevada the state is a performance of hands raised, hissing and roaring then tossing herself to her knees. She will repeat this at will so please do not suggest she do this on concrete.

Part Three: Her imagination is vivid and quite maternal since so many babies have been sprouting up around us. In the below picture she is cradling a rock which she told Gramma was a blue baby elephant.

Hey Subconscious - Get with the Program

There's not much more annoying than having a night of interrupted sleep where you realize that half of the interruptions were actually dreams of interruptions.

Last night Abby was coughing quite a bit - probably woke up once or twice. But I dreamed she woke up four or five times and each time I had to stay up and there were multiple issues etc. etc.

It's just not fair.

Dressing

Fyi - for the general masses, Abby suddenly loves Ranch Dressing. She calls it "Dressing that is white with polka dots."

Obsession

You know the computer game Text Twist? It's basically just a six letter word scrambled and you have to guess all the words it could make 3-6 letters long? I'm having obsessive problems with it.

The web version (not the download) seems to have a selection of not THAT many words. This isn't really a problem for me except that it is majorly frustrating not to get a word I've previously not gotten up already three or four times.

So I'm not playing and writing down all the six letter words so that it will be easier to get them next time they roll around.

straws
skythe
barrel
addled
bluing
adjust
unjust
combed
series
sweets
cotton
dainty
kidder
bronze
fusion
discus
fellow
gawked
rotund
hopped
devout
hedges
module
endure
scrimp
crimps
slopes
mellow
fleecy
thanks
easily
mingle
snappy
rulers
glints
infect
violet
whimsy
blimps
sewing
unzips
oxbows
uncles
stores
possum

First Parent/Teacher Conference

Thought I'd want to document this. First off, it's very sweet, they always have the child there when they have one of these meetings so the child knows what is said and that they aren't talked about without their knowledge (poor Abby, she doesn't know about the blog yet). So we all sit around a table and discuss.

Miss Janet said Abby was happy and on target with all the developmental stuff. She said that Abby plays with all groups of kids - young, old, boys, girls it doesn't matter. Abby surveys the area to see if there is anything she wants to join in on and if there is she goes over there and plays. She doesn't ask permission which is great says Miss Janet because if asked most kids will say 'No.' The kids mostly go with the flow when she joins and accept her because she doesn't bother to ask. Miss Janet said it is either because Abby is so comfortable/safe feeling or she feels entitled. Either way, it's working out for her.

Miss Janet says Abby is still very unsure about gymnastics and she hasn't been able to get out of Abby why. Sometimes she'll warm up and join in but mostly she sits on the sidelines with Miss Janet. Miss Janet suggested we put her into a gymnastics class with a friend and see if that helps or uncovers the problem.

There were no issues or concerns. Abby is great and is clear to move on to Miss Kelly's class next year. When asked for any input Abby said in a businessness-like voice, "Well, this is my mom and this is my dad and we live at home."

True, baby. True.

Hint of Summer

Two days after our heat was installed, it was too hot to use it. But look not for irony here because we also installed A/C.














Abby's enjoyment running in the sprinklers was cut short today when she realized it wasn't just fun and games. She was getting messy. And, of course, no fun is worth that.

Abby-Eye-View Part Two

The Loot

Abby has this thing about having a special thing next to her while she goes to sleep. It started out with a book and it had to be next to her because I wouldn't let her play with it. Then, when we started rewarding her potty training it would be an unopened lollipop that she would get the next day. But it seems to be spiraling out of control...

Artsy Artsy

Bridging the Divide

Sharpest tool in the Shed

Getting ready to go out the door yesterday morning I had a handful of extra play clothes for Abby to take to school and my wallet and my keys. I ran downstairs to feed the cats, ran back upstairs and went out to the car with Abby from there. I sat in the car and Abby said, "Momma, you forgot your purse!"

She's brilliant.

Abby-Eye-View

I let Abby use my small digital camera today...

Done the Trick

You'll remember my heart was breaking every time Abby would refuse to go to school with this horribly sad look on her face or get picked up from school explaining that no one would play with her. Well, adding a day more of pre-school seems to have done the trick.

She still tries to get out of school now and then, but not nearly with the same sentiment behind it. I drop her off at school and she runs to Miss Janet to get a hug and to the other teachers. She never seems upset after school... just happy and excited and desperately wanting to continue in the fun and NOT under any circumstances, go home.

ONE tiny heartbreak moment I'll share though. I took her to the big park across the street from the school yesterday. It's pretty common for some of the kids to go there after, so I wasn't surprised when siblings showed up. Abby was overjoyed. She played and played with them. But then they had to leave and Abby was just... so disappointed. She moped over to one of the horsey things and sat on it and put her head down on the horse head and said, "But, I just want a best friend to play and have fun with."

I blame Shannon for not living across the street from us.

The Temptation of *HEAT*

Last night was the first night in our new home that we had heat. It was actually a little too hot at times (we have to figure out how to adjust for the thermometer being downstairs and the whole heat rises concept).

But everyone slept in. I suspect we were all lying in bed just feeling relaxed rather than anticipating how horribly cold it was going to be to get dressed and get up and walk around. Lovely.

Oh, I know what's going on.

I just realized one of the reasons I may feel grumpy. See? I did learn something from 2006. Namely even if I don't realize I am stressed about something doesn't mean I'm not.

We're on the verge again. We're doing fine financially, it's not that. But once again Steve and John have been given total encouragement - a virtual guarantee. Well... I think those just make me nervous now. Everyone gets their hopes raised and yet it is so easy to have these things fall through so no one is celebrating. It's this yucky in-between time.

I think that the waiting is almost as hard as the disappointment if it goes the unthinkably negative way. Not totally, because when it's done it's done and there's no hope for this particular opportunity and that's leveling. But the waiting is this constant tug of war between not being pessimistic - truly expecting the good - but being aware that a certain amount of caution is in order.

It's funny because I have no caution at all in the hope of Steve making it - I know he will. I just don't know when or how. BLAH. But oh when he does... I am buying shoes.

And *now* I'm feeling like...

Which is definitely a step up from grumpily sad.

How I feel...

*not a new picure

Just because I can...

This post has no point.

But I already look back sentimentally and know that my favorite photos I put up on here.

And this... I love.

This is again one of those peeks into what Abby will look like when she's all grown up...

And even besides that I love that she is just so happy to be outside in the freezing cold wind (yes actually colder outside than it was inside due to the wind chill) holding her bag within her purse and her easter flower headband wearing her pink Princess pants that I pretended weren't muddied while she fell playing soccer on the driveway - because if she noticed there was dirt on them she'd insist on changing. Of course it was the basketball she was kicking around. She is currently insisting that it is the soccer ball that you use hands to play with.

I will say that this is the last week our house should be mistaken for the Artic or a boiling pot depending on the season. The Air/Heat is going in and there have been minimal disasters.

I keep thinking that this will answer so many of life's problems. Like dressing. At the moment it takes me a supreme effort to bring myself to dress in anything other than sweats because anything not comfy cozy doesn't make it worth my while to expose myself to the freezing air for however short a time. I picture myself looking through my clothes as if I don't have a care in the world; rather than how I stand now in front of my closet - hunched over in miserable anticipation - knowing that no matter what I chose I will hate life for those ten seconds it takes me to change from my flannel jammies into whatever.

Trust me though - there will be adjustments that need to be made. For example - right now, if I left the milk out over night - there would be no difference in temperature! Yup... no more using the counter as a third fridge.... how will I ever survive?

Oh well, finding the mystery leak in the laundry room and worrying about rusty water is sure to distract me for a time.

I won't even remember how horrible it was. Well... who are you kidding - yes I will... and I'll remind everyone often.

Abby's Day Out

I'm feeling sentimental about Abby's weekly adventure out with my parents. I have obviously thanked them often and sincerely and they of course appreciate being such a big part of Abby's life. Talk about a symbiotic relationship!

To start there is this anticipation of Abby's that catches at my heart, and the confidence that she has that both of them would drop anything any day of the week to be with her if Mommy didn't make things so difficult by insisting that they have to work.

Then there is the total and absolute dismissal of me as soon as Poppa gets here to take her away. If I talk too long with Poppa - particularly if she is already in her car seat and ready to go she suggests I leave because they have to go.

Finally it is this feeling that I get from her when I pick her up from her slumber party at Grammas' that it has been a totally exhausting twenty-four hours in which she has been refilled to completely exhaust us at home - but with a much happier demeanor than when she left.

There is just this total satisfaction from the whole adventure. And yes, I am completely aware that I am spoiled by it - but the great thing is - everyone involved is.

Her Own World

My mom let Abby pack a bag last weekend presumably for their trip to Gramma's office. It is a canvas bag with an image of a cat on it. Abby has become inconsolably attached to the bag. Nothing can come in or go out of the bag without careful consideration and mostly it's still a 'no'. She asks where it is if it is not right next to her. She wants to know if it's okay. To the point that now she refuses to carry it as a bag itself, but has stuffed it in this Tinkerbell bag and now intends to take this entire two-purse contraption to school mid-March for her next Talk-Share day...


Abby is her own person and has been since she was hours old... or pre-natal if you ask me. As she gets older and is able to communicate more, I understand her more. For example, in the car Abby likes to be with her thoughts. She does not normally like to converse - if she wants to converse there is nothing you can do to discourage her. But mostly she sings or pretends to be talking or playing with someone else or just stares pensively out the window. If we try to break her out of these moments she says, "I'm sorry don't want to talk right now, I'm busy." (which she says all in one breath).

Recently, when she goes to sleep, no matter how much she has fought, when she is really and truly tired she murmurs, "Excuse me, Momma, I think I'm going to take a little nap now."

For some odd and almost certainly psychological reason I had more anxiety over Abby's first picture day at pre-school than about... uh... some other thing that I should reasonably have more anxiety over. But it's passed us and hopefully she didn't look to straight at the camera (revealing the fact that her pony tails were sadly unsymmetrical. Part of the anxiety is that she wanted to wear her BLUE dress and it's cold out and the teacher's don't like her to be cold and Abby doesn't like sweaters and I just felt it was going to be a fight but it all worked out of course.