I have realized recently that my anxiety is... ill proportioned to reality. I worry about things I do not need to worry about. And my anxiety blows everything out of proportion.
My pride would like to remind you all that there are times when I have been very very good about this. Times when I have tackled the uncomfortable and forced myself to coast through. I am proud of those times.
This week was not one of those times. It happens worst when something new is about to happen or when things are piled on top of each other. And that is what happened this week. Blah.
An example:
Last week I was anxious about calling for an appointment with my doctor. It had been two and a half years since my last appointment and it's only supposed to be a year. They would be disappointed in my performance, that's for sure. And what if there were changes in the protocol from before or what if they don't take my insurance anymore!
Then I was anxious about when to schedule it. During Abby's school hours or not? I decided during because that is what they had... what if it went long and I couldn't get back to the school in time? Poppa to the rescue there.
So then I was anxious about what it would be like... Would they scold me for not coming in regularly, should I tell a sob story about the house distractions or does that sound defensive? would I need to undress, would it be awkward?
On the day I am mostly worried about the insurance card and the possible scolding... and if Poppa got lost on the way to the pre-school - if they give him trouble - if Abby remembers to grab her backpack, if Poppa gets lost on the way to the mall. Is the doctor going to notice I missed a spot shaving my ankle? Am I blabbering like a nervous person? Do they hate it when people come in all anxious? Remember to actually listen to what they tell me to do and not just assume. Do I sound like one of those patients who thinks they know everything? Do I sound believable and basically normal?
And then I leave and almost get stuck in an elevator (I swear I was in there with a woman and we tried three times to make this elevator go and it wouldn't go) then I realize I forgot to ask all the questions I meant to ask.
All in all... I like myself better when I am not anxious. I have it in me to go with the flow and to take charge when need be. However I also find being anxious a little comforting... like I know I'm going through everything and getting everything set. I tend to forget large things when I'm in my 'chill' periods.
More than anything I just don't want to make Abby an anxious person - if it's not too late for that.
120: Yellow
3 months ago
5 comments:
I do hope it is not in the genes...but I don't THINK I am as bad as all that (not outloud anyway). I have gotten much more mello about myself in my old age and save my anxiety for the ones I love who could POSSIBLY, without close watching, be in trouble.
You will be shocked to hear that I myself also have anxiety issues, although I like to think I've gotten much better about it. Maybe its an artist thing. I dunno. But I, too, find that when I force myself not to think too much about things, I do much better. But then nothing happens and I feel anxiety from that.
I'm with you on appointment anxiety. I'm currently uptight about making a dentist appointment, partly because I need to figure out who can watch Rachel while I'm there, but largely because it's been probably close to 4 years since I went to the dentist and I dread telling them that.
Years ago, I didn't like the dentist we had with our current insurance. So I chose a new insurance plan and was going to go after it kicked in, but by then I was pregnant with Rachel and had that major gag reflex thing going on.
Then after she was born, I just never got around to it. I was super busy at work and had already gotten a talking-to about how much sick time I was taking for my own and Rachel's illnesses, so I just didn't bother.
It's kind of like my more minor anxiety when I go to get my hair cut and they ask how long it's been since my last haircut. (Way too long is usually the answer.)
And let's not even start on the anxiety connected with gynecologist appointments.
OH - Don't worry - I had you beat on the dentist - I had to tell them I honestly didn't remember the last time I went to the dentist. It was hopefully during college possibly not since high school! I was worrying about it for ages but that brings me back to the anxiety as a tool thing.
Sometimes I find my anxiety or my perceived anxiety makes people more helpful - as in I'm being vulnerable and that has a tendency to cut down the barriers for other people.
Of course for some people it is like fingernails on a chalkboard, so I have to be aware it can backfire.
This manipulation of my natural anxiety can sometimes bite me later as well because someone will remember how horribly anxious I was (when really I wasn't - I was just exaggerating to get help) and they bring it up and it gets all confusing because it seems like I'm defensive or lying.
That's funny. I've been having anxiety about going to the dentist for years. My dad keeps begging me to go, but I just know I have years of scolding coming my way....
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