Inquiring Minds

Thank you Sarah and Maggie and Shannon and Jen a few others that have asked very seriously how I'm doing with three. As you all know I was really really really really really freaked out by that number when we first found out Finn was on his way.

The thing is, my mind has totally gotten used to the idea and Finn himself is ease incarnate. He was officially fussy for no particular reason for the first time last night... for ten minutes. During the day, he asks for very little. He does have a big ole cluster feed/awake time late at night which isn't perfect now that Steve and I are going to bed earlier, but if I can just supply enough milk, it's not too bad a deal if you ask me.

SO even though I'm doing much better than expected in all areas I still haven't really been able to answer seriously or in depth how I'm doing. I see the email, I think about my response, but when I sit down in front of the computer my brain goes blank. And then it gets annoyed when I try to push it. I have to say something I tell my brain, just give me a few lines - a few authentic lines that are beyond surface level - that's all I'm asking. At this point my brain crosses it's proverbial arms and ignores me. I think I hear it threaten that if I persist with this line of questioning I am asking for a headache. I sigh, feel bad at my failure to provide vulnerability, and get interrupted anyway.

Jack has been directing most of my attention toward himself. He is about to be two. He is very much a BOY (hear him roar). He has a fondness for noise and drama. I had Miss Pat over because I was just about at the end of my rope and she insisted his behavior was more about him being TWO than about the new baby upheaval. That is part of it, she acknowledged, but his reaction is still more about being two. He has no way of understanding his own feelings or reactions. We just have to provide a safe place for him to tantrum it out and gain his own ability to control himself until he balances out a bit.


The frustration and pressure inside him was palpable last week. He would just come up to me and do these short bursts of screams. Like a tea kettle starting to boil. His shoulders would be all hunched up and he would just look at me - like I don't know what's going on but I am about to EXPLODE. It was so sad to me. Steve thinks I'm crazy and finds nothing sad about this at all. But my heart went out to Jack and I just felt there was nothing I could do. BUT the whole safe place to tantrum (which is pretty much exactly what I did for Abby when she was much older) has been working like a charm. Ten minutes of screaming, throwing himself and everything he can reach on the floor and eventually I look up at the silence and he's wandered off to play with his cars.

Bliss.

I know you're not supposed to let guilt get you as a parent, but Jack is such a total delight to this family - it was so hard to see him really really struggle. He was also sick at the time. Which didn't help.

ANYWAY things are easy at the moment. My mom is taking Abby to school and bringing Jack so he has a little adventure in the mornings. I get to nap for an hour with Finn when they all leave. Abby doesn't need picking up til 3 and the carline means that I don't ever have to get out of the car tromping around with both Jack and Finn or having to look too presentable and make small talk with people I barely know whilst tearing Jack away from things that he is investigating (read: destroying). Bedtime - particularly if Steve is not here - is the trickiest part because Finn in awake and Jack wants actual arms wrapped around my neck sort of cuddling. Abby is basically a dream to put to bed but does have the tendency to also want company and to call for me at the most inopportune moment (the second after Jack closes his eyes - so her voice makes him totally awake again). This wouldn't be an issue but Jack is not in his big boy bed so once he's awake he's off and running.

Abby, of course, adores Finn and asks constantly to hold him - then quickly hands him back after a few minutes. I thought she got bored with just sitting there, then realized, she did this when she accidentally touches her hand to her nose or mouth - she then freaks out that she is going to get Finn sick so practically throws him back to me. Sweetheart.

Jack oddly enough adores Finn as well. He runs over to him and says, "BABY" and tries to grab for him (whether he is eating sleeping or getting his diaper changed). I give him over whenever I can (encouraging the bond you see) and the funniest thing - Jack just wants to cuddle with Finn. He'll lay back and point to where he wants me to put Finn, then he'll put his arms around him and just stare off into space or tv. Jack just wants Finn there. He will point to his features now and then which can get hairy ("EYES!" as Jack pokes at them) but mostly Jack is totally gentle with his brother... UNTIL you try to take said brother away because, oh I don't know... he's screaming his head off for the other half of his meal. If you try to take Finn away from Jack, Jack grabs onto Finn... or any part of Finn. This isn't so gentle... but hey - as Miss Pat says (I know, her again, but she's got experience people) it takes a lot more concentration/more muscles to release a grip than to grip... so often with babies/toddlers we're yelling them to let go of something and they literally need time to figure out HOW to do that. I wish I'd remembered that when Jack used to pull my hair. So we try to take it slow. And Finn is so far uninjured.

Thighckles vs. Ankles

Now I'm not saying my bony chicken ankles are cute - but SERIOUSLY ... it's just... I don't know IIII think the plumpness of those pregnancy ankles was impressive.

Feeling Stuck?

Abby came up to me today and offered, "Momma, if you wanted some alone time... without a girl who wanted to stomp around and shout, you could take me somewhere - like someone's house... I wouldn't mind."

And just a few seconds ago:

"Mommy, I have a confession to make to you. Do you know why I want to go somewhere everyday... why I like having fun everyday? It's because I LOVE having fun."

Lesson Never Learned

Why oh Why oh Why can I not get this one lesson in my head?

There is just no reason to worry overmuch or try to push the kids into or out of a phase. Why can't I learn it? Well obviously because one doesn't know until one has hindsight that it was a phase and not some socially unacceptable problem that will plague us and our children for the rest of our LIVES.

Abby has been getting out of bed since Jack was born. Scared or just Lonely. We got her a loft bed. She decided after the first day we had the heat on since she got the loft bed, that the problem with the loft bed was that it was way too hot up there. On her own gumption, armed with her own theory, she set herself up on some blankets on the floor in front of her radio (she plays audio books to go to sleep to) one night last week. AND... she hasn't gotten up in the middle of the night since. She tells me up in the loft bed she's very wriggly and there on the floor she's much more stiller. There is a mattress on the ground under the loft bed I hope to coax her onto sometime soon. But if not, I don't mind - it's ALL fine with me.

Jack is having a rough time and though I tend to have a bleeding heart for him, Miss Pat thinks it has more to do with being two than with the new baby - though certainly the two things feed each other. Anyway, he's been having a hard time sleeping too. And today I decided to try his big boy bed. So far, so good. At least it will be more comfortable to hang out with him if he has trouble tonight.

So much of parenting it seems, seems to be about what we as parents can handle. We just can't make a change or form a plan until we're at that stage of being ready to make a change or form a plan. And there's no rushing it. Sense a theme?

Unless by rushing it you mean get some good long quality sleep BEFORE you're at the end of your rope.

Finn's Story

As told by Steve on Twitter (blue)/Facebook(purple) ... with color commentary by me. (In reverse order because I'm too tired to switch it)

Going home1:21 PM Oct 3rd from txt

I was ready to go home even though I'm personally a big fan of the post birth time in the hospital. Somehow you just never get the same sort of break/nursing no matter how wonderful and attentive your family is when you are home. There is just too much to do, and in my case, two too many little uns to take care of as well as myself and new baby. It was the perfect amount of time - by the time it was time to go I was getting impatient to go ahead and start this new life with the new family.

Jack wanted nothing to do with me in the hospital, though I think that might have had more to do with the small room feel than anything. So going home we were very conscious of just going slow with him, not forcing anything. I had put the baby down and carried Jack straight to the toy room away from everyone and everything. And he hugged me and we sat for a little while.

Abby of course was in love with Finn from moment one. She wanted to hold him as much as we'd let her. Jack kind of flipped a little seeing her holding the baby - but we're not sure if that was jealousy on account that his sister was holding another baby or if the baby is considered HIS already and she was holding him. Because he ran up crying, "Baby, baby, my baby." So we all sat while he was fascinated with Finn's hands and he pat him like a puppy. It was perfect.

Just very thankful. Very happy. In good spirits and already weeks ahead of my recovery last time. Very very tired too. But most of all, thanking God every few seconds that we are where we are.

Steve Scheidler There is a Starbucks here and I always wanted to know what it would be like to have Starbucks in your house....now I know...... I'm broke and havn't slept in 72 hours.

October 3 at 12:14pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like

If there is something better than a Drifitng training montage then I haven't seen it.9:10 PM Oct 2nd from web

you know sometimes...not all the time but sometimes I feel like the toilets in the maternity ward aren't designed for men9:08 PM Oct 2nd from web

You see the Drifitng is his friend but its hard for him to admit that.9:04 PM Oct 2nd from web

i think the lesson of this movie is that Drifting can lead to a better life.9:02 PM Oct 2nd from web

no comment

Finn was crying and the Drifting calmed him down!8:46 PM Oct 2nd from web

This is a total lie. I think he started fussing WHILE watching actually.

So much Drifting8:45 PM Oct 2nd from web
Steve was a little punch drunk like me - just so relieved to be done with the pregnancy portion of this experience

watching some Drifting right now.8:42 PM Oct 2nd from web
We each had a tv and a bed... Steve found Fast & the Furious : Tokyo Drift. You should not be surprised that I was NOT watching the same thing.


I had this weird dream that we had the baby last .... Wait.....Ooooohhhhh

October 2 at 8:53am via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like

Not sure we did this before iPhones

October 1 at 11:36pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like

Seriously. Steve keeping everyone up to date on the phone was so helpful and he specifically made sure to tweet or update at important transitional moments so that when we went back and put it all together it would read like a story for Finn (okay probably more for me, but Finn may appreciate it someday).


Mom is doing so well she is requesting Roundtable.

October 1 at 8:33pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like

Samantha ran out to get me roundtable and she stayed with us in the recovery room for a while. That's where Finn had his first bath. There had been a mini-babyboom so all the normal infant warming stations were used and we had a crappy one that beeped to high heaven every few minutes. This made me annoyed. But otherwise no problems - nurses were all great, friendly and helpful.

Mom is doing great

October 1 at 8:29pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like
We were just so happy it actually happened - Finn was actually out where we could see and touch him and I was finally oh so NOT PREGNANT.

Came out hungry and is eating like a champ

October 1 at 8:28pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like
It was so funny - I had to insist to try to feed Abby right away - but I didn't even have to ask and they gave me Finn all slimy - cleaning him up as I tried to get him to latch on. The baby nurse totally helped me get latched and all that. It was pretty cool. Family came in and he was still eating away so that wasn't perfectly ideal, but oh well, what can you do.

20.5 inches, 7.6lbs7:57 PM Oct 1st from mobile web
The nurses and I were making fun of Steve because it took him five tries to remember the stats long enough to type them in.

Happy Birthday Finn Albert Scheidler7:44 PM Oct 1st from mobile web
Fortunately I didn't have anything to worry about. We had one cycle of pushing with one contraction - had to wait a full minute or more for the next contraction and out came Finn!

Here we go 7:35 PM Oct 1st from mobile web
We waited for the doc, they go me prepped. I prepared myself mentally that it might not be as quick this time. I might have to push for more than thirty seconds...

10 7:08 PM Oct 1st from mobile web
Lisa was awesome. She turned me to my side and two seconds later I was at 10cm and we were calling the doc on call (our doc was on vacation, have I mentioned that?)

Btw the symbol I used for Twitter is the character for father5:49 PM Oct 1st from mobile web
Lisa wanted me to call out at the first hint of pressure. But I really didn't feel any. Believe me, I was wanting to accommodate.

The end is in sight... Although I do have binoculars with me.5:43 PM Oct 1st from mobile web
Says him! I don't remember thinking we were doing any better until Lisa our nurse - who was trying to rush Finn out so she could be there (she was going off work shortly).

You're doing great babe, your almost done5:26 PM Oct 1st from txt
Apparently my water breaking (probably helped by the nurse putting on the monitor without knowing that my water HADN'T broken) wasn't tweetworthy. So that finally made everything made sense. I think I was feeling emotional or tired -hence the encouragement tweet.

I love the sound of the BP cuff as it goes off every 30 minutes5:07 PM Oct 1st from txt
It was rest time now, though there was a certain amount of concern because we were worried the epidural would slow us down. This is the beginning of the "stuck at 8 phase" of the day. Nurse Lisa was monitoring baby's heartbeat pretty closely - he now had one of those little sensors stuck to his head, poor guy... but we needed to know he was good. But that also meant they didn't care too much about my sensor anymore so we weren't really able to see my contractions very well. We were nervous they were slowing down and actually I think they were, but we were apparently the only ones worried about this. What they were worried about is that I had said my water had NOT broke and yet they had fastened on that monitor thingee in just fine - so how could they do that if my water hadn't broke? SO Steve and I sort of worry about this because I swear it hadn't leaked or broken, and I would know, right? But what if I didn't and he was in some sort of critical condition because of lack of water etc etc. But we had just seen the doctor four days previously and been assured specifically of water level so... whatever - everyone lets it go


Status. : No Change

October 1 at 5:09pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like
Stuck Stuck Stuck at 8cm. I suggested Steve tweet some disparaging remark about my body being difficult and he refused, not wanting to send out anything negative about me even in jest. Awwwh.

Fantastic Nurses!!!!4:01 PM Oct 1st from txt
I had suggested that once the scare was over Steve tweet "praise" but he thought that would freak everyone out. I think no one had any idea anything nerve-wracking was happening. But I appreciated Steve's desire not to make it melodramatic. I was just happy to be out of pain AND not have to live with the low blood pressure feeling which was just as bad in it's own way.

Finn is making things interesting3:49 PM Oct 1st from txt
The epidural came and went pleasantly - Lisa checked me and sure enough, as per my weird repressed body I had been 3-4 for hours and sudden I was 7-8 cm dilated. But then, I had warned Lisa right at the beginning that whenever I get the epidural the next thing that usually happens is that the baby's heart rate drops - but that usually means he's dropping. I didn't know if the nurse thought I was crazy or she was listening. Turns out - she was listening more than I even intended. This time, my arm went numb after the epidural and I started feeling really not good. I thought about not complaining (stupid I know), but I just felt so bad I struggled to describe it though. Finally - nausea - that's describable- Nausea - I raise my hand, ask if nausea if a side effect of the epidural. Lisa says no and in about ten seconds has me on oxygen and has run out of the room to get the other nurses. My blood pressure dropped this time and baby's totally did. They turned me on my side and almost automatically I felt better - but baby wasn't recovering as quickly. On my hands and knees they insist (I was only half tingly numb at this point so it was possibly). Three nurses are hovering around doing stuff, I'm holding Steve's hand because he has been tasked to keep my iv in perfect position. I feel not TOO scared because I know if they can't fix this asap they are just going to do an emergency c-section. Granted I didn't WANT that at all in any way. But if its the way to save Finn - sign me up. I look up at Steve to make sure he knows I'm not panicking and see he's scared. Probably the first time I've ever seen that. But sure enough, probably not more than a minute after our pressure dropped, we were both back in the green.


"You want the pain to come because it means you are progressing but then you remember it's PAIN!". - Adrea Scheidler (10/01/09)

October 1 at 3:04pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like

Looking back, I wonder if my body only finally started progressing because it even just knew the epidural was coming. Because I wasn't in significant pain until we placed the request for the epidural.

Awesome nurse!2:58 PM Oct 1st from txt

Lisa was our nurse and she was just willing to go with us - she wasn't intimidated by Steve's joking or me complaining about my crazy non-dilating body. She warned us the epidural guy would be needed for surgery so I'd need to make a decision on the epidural - luckily I was in pain by then so I placed my request.

Ada got a popsicle.... A red one2:58 PM Oct 1st from txt

I was very seriously regretting not eating or sleeping more before coming in. Its just you're not supposed to eat too far into labor and I had already lost faith in the morning that the pain would ever get more intense -I'd decided it was just going to fool everyone, so I didn't feel comfortable having a three course meal. But you know - somewhere in the middle would have been ok.


Adrea is trying figure out what she wants to eat after all the birthing is done.

October 1 at 1:35pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like
I was SO hungry. And so tired.

Progressing nicely1:04 PM Oct 1st from mobile web

I got checked possibly? I don't remember progressing nicely. Smoothly on a slow slow slow slow scale maybe.

Almost went into wrong L&D room

October 1 at 12:28pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like

Still nothing too exciting happening so I encouraged Steve to get coffee and a snack - we han't packed him anything this time. Third baby over confidence I suppose made us forget all about that idea.



Ada's rockin the birthing ball now

October 1 at 12:07pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like
I would have been happy there the whole time but I wasn't trying to be happy - I was trying to get some pain intensity going!


Hey I don't have a stupid face do I?12:39 PM Oct 1st from mobile web

Of course there were many possibilities we went back and forth on this one.

We have moved to the verbal abuse phase12:36 PM Oct 1st from mobile web Still bitter that my pain wasn't progressing I was considering acting as if the pain was worse to fool the nurses and possibly my body into progressing.

More forms, more forms11:57 AM Oct 1st from txt
There is so much business to take care of. You can't romanticize the process, theres just a lot to get taken care of.

Rockin 2 iPhones right now11:54 AM Oct 1st from mobile web
This was when I was being monitored. Just like the night before, the contractions seemed less intense when I was laying down. I'm already doubting my memory - I sort of remember saying to Steve that they hurt most while sitting. Anyway, when we couldn't move around, Steve kept touched base with the masses on the internet.

Should have worn better shoes though11:39 AM Oct 1st from txt
The pain was still very bearable - nothing in comparison to what it becomes. I didn't really want to use the birthing ball etc because I felt like a lot of these methods have to do with pain management and I didn't need that as much as I needed to encourage dilation and progression. So we did a lot of walking, a lot of lunges and squats. Steve was great, it was a nice time, just the two of us, not all that distracted by the pain, but pretty excited about how close we were to the finish line.

Love the chairs here11:38 AM Oct 1st from txt
Nice big labor room. So funny how things have shifted since I was at Huntington with Abby 6 years ago. Back then they were famous amongst the naturalists for their non-natural ways. But I didn't get any trouble from them back then, but this time they practically pushed me to labor alternative ways once we were admitted. Our nurse told us to walk for an hour before they monitored the baby for 20 minutes. Then she proceeded to pull out the birthing ball and the rocking chair etc, ec. So funny. Okay fine I think, I'll labor actively.

Whoops, we are not rooming in yet, that's why that woman looked at me funny.... Labor and delivery is no place for a PS3
October 1 at 12:02pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like

Always with the smooth recovery!


And we are staying... Love rooming in....already brought my PS3
October 1 at 11:30am via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like
I didn't know he'd posted this. Quickly people misunderstood because we were obviously not even close to rooming in!


So nice we decided to stay - just admitted11:14 AM Oct 1st from txt
We could actually hear the phone calls between the triage nurses and the doctor's office, but couldn't tell the decision until the nurse finally told us (hyper happy nurse was cute but totally difficult to understand).

Echo10:39 AM Oct 1st from txt
Hence this post. 2cm was disappointing but just one of those momens where you sigh an realize you weren't exaggerating all the times you told the story of the other births about how I just don't dilate willy nilly. We were very much ready to be ok with being sent home.

I have adrea's phone in my pocket and it keeps vibrating with each tweet10:39 AM Oct 1st from txt
I was determined to be prepared to be sent home. Trust God, trust my body - that sort of thing. I didn't want to push this too far if it just wasn't time. So Steve and I just chatted and laughed as each time he sent out a tweet my phone would buzz in his other pocket.

Ahhhh..... Triage10:37 AM Oct 1st from txt
We arrived within moments of another couple. And were next "curtain" to yet another. As far as I could tell there were four or five of us being monitored / decided to admit or be sent home. The couple we arrived with was 40 weeks and she thought her water had broken - it hadn't. She got sent home. The couple next to us was trying o prove she was having any contractions - though she was 5cm dilated. I waited, trying to be patient - definitely having contracions... but had I dilated? 2cm. Ha if the woman next to me and I could combine labors we'd be like perfect.

And were off10:00 AM Oct 1st from txt
This time doctor's office receptionist didn't even both asking a doctor - upon hearing "90 seconds long, 1 minute 45 apart" (in other words, right on top of each other) they told us to get our butts to the hospital and a doctor would meet us there.

now we play the waiting game9:51 AM Oct 1st from txt
He must have said this right as I went around the block again. I just got the conviction that we should call the doctor as it just seemed to me nothing was going to change ever.
We'll see7:58 AM Oct 1st from mobile web
Indeed. I was at our little Scheidler women's group when the contractions that had been coming and going for a week and a half started to come right on top of each other. These are not terribly strong or painful contractions - tightening *plus I'd call them. I had just asked Sarah why she'd decided to go in on the day or Max's birth since the pain never progressed (and knowing Sarah was going all natural again, the intensity of pain is usually an important sign that true labor is here and it's okay to go to the hospital without worry that the progress will slow). I didn't think much of this whole contraction thing though because I had decided to be on a trust kick. Labor was going to come when it came and instead of second guessing and sort of kind of trying to move it along, I was just going to trust God that He'd move it forward when it was time and that I had nothing to do with it and didn't need to have anything to do with it. So from 10-midnight I just had many many contractions but no real pain. I tried to sleep but was too fidgety. Jack was getting up restless too. Finally around 1 or 2 I decided I might need to page the doc on call (our doc was on vacation) - I woke Steve up to do the honors. I knew intensity wasn't where it should be - but third baby... who knew. Doc suggests waiting for intensity. Steve is so completely out of it. Somehow I caught him at the WRONG night for labor. Steve, usually so completely on the ball with this sort of thing could not get his bearings. So doc's advice wasn't unwelcome. Steve went back to bed and so did I. I didn't get a lot of sleep - two two hour increments. The weird part was that the contractions would disappear when I lay down and yet when I'd stand it was as if they'd been working/progressing while I was laying down. Convenient. But still no serious pain. I called my mom to come over and help with the kids in case this WAS the real deal. Steve took the kids to breakfast, my mom and I walked around the block... and we just sort of... waited. My mom took both kids to drop off Abby while I walked around the block again and then we called the doctor's office again.

Third Time's the Charm

Well... in hindsight anyway.

I'm sitting here Friday night 11:31 waiting for them to bring my baby back to me. It's his newborn screening test time. I have a pamphlet here I'm going to read about it. The differences between first to second baby to third... it's all just fascinating.

With Abby I was so... overwhelmed... a little paranoid or - a nicer way of putting it - very scared that some decision I was going to make or not make would somehow contribute to some huge problem. Not all of these problems involved health and safety - I was also just afraid of being jipped. I didn't do the newborn photo thing for example. There was a logical reason at the time - i.e. I think because we had delivered on a Sunday early morning a lot of the staff that were normally roaming around (like the photographer) weren't there. But even so, when they were, I went out of my way to say no. Sure that they were somehow just trying to illicit money from us. Which sure, true, they are.. but that hardly seems quite as rude now as it once sort of did.

With Jack I was a little shell shocked because of knowing Abby was out there in the world without me. The hospital and care was so different, but in general, I was so totally calm about everything. That's not true - the little procedure waiting for us at the end of the stay worried me, but not TOO much. But he was generally an undemanding little guy - he just wanted what he wanted when he wanted it - is that so wrong? If you didn't try to bathe him or something, he was pretty mellow. I had a really hard time navigating the tiny space of the room oddly enough - that is one of my most pronounced memories of that time.

It seems almost silly now all that worry over if our little family could expand well - considering Abby and Jack love each other to a ridiculously funny degree. I'm hoping all my worries for Jack will seem just as silly as Jack and Finn tag team to destroy the house and general peace of the world around them - all in good fun of course.

The third time around, I almost feel a weird responsibility to be more informed. Like reading the stupid literature at the hospital about everything. Ha. No offense people who do the literature at the hospitals. It's as if because Finn was unplanned - he is sort of a miracle blessing in my eyes - like I don't "deserve" him in a way because I didn't control/plan on him. So I feel like I need to really be on the ball for him.

It's Sunday night now. I feel so amazingly good. I'm betting my tear at birth is about the same as with Abby, or better... not sure. I was so overwhelmed (that word again) with being a mom (even though I wasn't doing anything yet but nursing and worrying), that I almost was wary of feeling too good - doing too much. I kept expecting some latent pain or problem to pop up. Oh - no AND I was all milk-swollen.... that's right - that added quite a bit to the stress.

This time I'm so happy to be walking around and barely feeling any physical pain apart from those pesky contractions that are supposedly getting my uterus back to size. GEEZ they hurt. Bad. But they aren't often.

I'm still getting to know Finn obviously. So far I can tell you he is SERIOUS about milk. He latched on great from the beginning - literal thirty seconds after birth beginning. And he was consistently wanting to nurse. But right around day 2.5... right around when my milk COULD be coming in - he seemed to get very very serious about nursing. Like he'd gotten the taste of what was on it's way and he was making it his personal mission to speed the process along.

I know my milk is in by the way he gulps, but as of yet haven't really noticed because he keeps things well under control in that area.

He is generally easygoing - loves the wrap of course. Isn't afraid to let us know how he feels. Isn't totally attached to being held at all times, but I'm sure that's on it's way since with Abby around he is usually being held ALL the time.

He has these huge twitches - just like Steve. I mean all newborns have them it seems - but I happen to think Finn's are a little extreme.

Abby already adores him, worries if she hasn't washed her hands before she touches him on impulse.

Jack is having both possible reactions at the same time. He catches sight of Finn and smiles broadly to point, "Baby! My Baby." He gives Finn his pacifier - throws the ball at me when I'm nursing (not sure if this is passive aggressive or his way of trying to get Finn to play ball with him). On the other hand, he wants to be by my side while I nurse, or, worse case scenario - cries and wants me to pay attention to him if I have the baby. It's just hard to watch him struggle. He'll get through it, I know - but for now it's hard.

I have bouts of extreme exhaustion where I just can't possibly stay awake, and yet most of the time I feel pretty normal and extremely relieved to be so.

Okay that's the long and short of it for now... I'm uploading a whole bunch of pictures to be tweaked and shared soon.

The whole birth story is next...

Abby misses Miss Janet

Jack loves to Sing

Oxymorons with Pregnancy

It's such an odd thing to be pregnant. Miraculous brilliant difficult - yes yes all that.

It's also at the same time very isolating and very er... the opposite of isolating.

It is the opposite of isolating because I feel like everywhere in public I go I am wearing a bright red clown nose - an inside joke that everyone is in on. Knowing smiles abound, raised eyebrows paired with soft chuckles, and sympathetic notions about the heat are exchanged. Women huddle together and reminisce knowingly thankful that they are NOT walking in the same path as my very swollen ankles. (They aren't even kankles - they are thighkles)

But it is isolating because I'm walking around with this hidden person inside me who quite often catches a nerve or rolls a certain way in which I have to swallow my almost involuntary cry of "Ouch! Hey!" or "OooooohLordie." It is isolating because everything is so internal, including those braxton hicks that sure, are pretty routine for me right now, but they are still there - and to be paid attention to. Okay, body, I get it, you're working this whole thing out again... no rush, I'm fine... but... could you somehow warn me when the REAL super early labor starts?

For Abby my first contraction was my first (what I thought at the time was) Braxton Hicks. Little did I know it was the beginning. For Jack it was Braxton Hicks all day and then they dwindled... only to turn into full on labor in the middle of a dream a few hours later.

So... this time, the Braxton Hicks... they don't stress me out too much. Baby is full term, won't supposedly be too small to arrive safely - -but he'd probably be scrawny - and I know from all you wonderful moms I know who've struggled to get their thin ones "on the chart" so to speak that though you KNOW they are fine (who made that stupid chart anyway?) but still... the pressure - I'd rather skip the pressure thanks.

But thats besides the isolation point. It's also - I'm whiny - especially to those I love ;) - but I don't want to complain too much to random people - after all who's to say that they aren't in a situation where being as huge and uncomfortable as I am right now is their heaven because they aren't able to be here? So you can't really be too honest or authentic unless you know the person well enough...

I suppose - that just might be that I WOULD be a little too honest and authentic with a stranger huh? Ha.

Another oxymoron - wanting the moment to arrive vs. holding onto THIS moment. OH I could seriously fantasize about those moments - those quiet moments in the hospital where visitors have come and gone and I am snuggling up to a new little snuggle bug, feeling most likely still very huge and uncomfortable but at least knowing finally there's nowhere but forward with myself and the new little guy and my family. But OoooH how simple in comparison life is right now. I know the two kids I have. I know their foibles and their patterns and our little world is, in comparison, just in this beautiful little harmony. Course I will enjoy being able to bend down and help retrieve all the toys Jack manages to get lost under narrow places without needing a double dose of tums from all the stress on my body. And I will enjoy oh... just EVERYTHING about not being pregnant. But the control will slip for a while as we all adjust. The chaos will be slow-motion craziness. The kids will react and continue to react. I will continue to get little sleep and still try desperately to be a present and fun mom. But oh how it will all be so much more complicated. OH and the doctor's visits! Ugh. Don't get me started on the doctor's visits.

So... yeah... It is the best of times, it is the worst of times, and so it will continue to be!

Why Does Everything Have to be so Complicated...

Okay, everyone have the song in their head?

Yesterday evening as Steve, Sarah and I were talking about my first day working in Abby's Kindergarten class the subject of Joe came up. Steve asked if Abby liked Joe. Abby sighed (she was lounging far back on the cushion of the couch), waved her hand in the air and said, "Joe and me - it's a little complicated."

Insert stunned silence.

She proceeds to explain that when he says hi to Abby he says "Hi Abby" in a heavy bored kind of tone and when he says hi to another girl he sounds much more excited. But he still likes her she knows.

She then puts a hand in the air, "I would never tell him this, because he thinks he's very exciting, but actually he's well, he's a little boring"

She goes on for a while. All the while the funniest thing is the look on Steve's face. Stunned. Scared. Sad. Amused only in a stunned sort of way. Fear... It was all there as he listened.

Wow.

Calling you out...

Chris and Maggie
Ron and Christa
Jen and Josh
... others I can't think of right now (Jen G - way to wear high shoes, obviously you care about me)

The rest of you? You obviously did NOT think of me when you fell in love and got married. There is different light in your two different stratospheres. I have to do like double photoshop to balance you together. Sure I bring the stepladder to make it easier - but then the kids want to be on the stepladder and there you are - one of you radiant and one of you the phantom of the opera lightwise.

I'm just saying.

A List Blog Post for Hazel

What my mom and I and Steve (and Sarah) have accomplished this passed few days:

pre-registered for the hospital
had a doc appt
moved Abby's old bed out
made room for car in garage
let floor guys finish
dishes
mailed or delivered 3 CDs to clients
completed W9 for online orders
set up bank account for BrightWaters
solved a Christmas book illustration problem
went grocery shopping ten times
packed maternity bag
finished Abby's emergency bag
went to open house
went to school
bought new shoes for Abby (Thanks Poppa - I love them!)
corrected Abby's school lunch teacher assignment
got the phone lines working again
moved the internet dedicated thingee
gotten the subaru fixed and back
gotten the rental car back
gotten the buick fixed and back
had dinner with friends
had two birthday parties for Abby
had two birthday parties for Caiah
had soccer practice and soccer games

I

am

beat...

but gotten some great pictures that I'm keeping under cover until Christmas card season.

Whoo.

Missing Pictures

First CarLine experience for both of us - teachers waving, cheerleaders cheering. It was perfect.
First day of Kindergarten, snapped as soon as she told me she wanted me to drop her off - therefore I wouldn't be able to do the normal first day pics.
Abby at the open house - first time in her classroom (which she thought was "AWESOME")

On a Me Note

the kids and I are displaced for a couple days while the stain goes on for the new sunroom floor and stairs.

it's odd - like a forced vacation. Besides try not to leave my mom's place totally horribly in a disaster area there is not a lot I need to do here. Granted my mom wasn't here either - normally we'd probably get our heads together to sort out a Christmas project need or something like that.

Just a little unsettling - normally I'm surrounded with "to-do"s.

Before the floor guys got there we actually got a lot accomplished at home. We cleared out the garage floor (which had become a dumping ground of everything I'd clean out of the car for the summer since we were unable to park in there during construction and we'd routinely suddenly need the car ready to accept visitors.) So that's ready for us again (until we can afford to continue construction). We moved Abby's old bed down, brought the chair upstairs that Steve brought downstairs two Christmases ago, started sorting through the "cleaning out car piles", starting putting clothes away...

The dishes will be waiting for me I'm sure when I get back and the half begun sorting, but even if I was home I'd feel a little bit like a lot of stuff on my plate was off.

I have paperwork galore I need to take care of now... so... yeah... bye.

Incredible Kindergarten Girl

Abby took her first day of Kindergarten like a chocolate shake.

It was actually really good that we've been so displaced and busy these last few weeks because I haven't had time to stress too much over the beginning of school and neither has Abby. We've had a few mentions of it - like Monday while we were taking Steve to Starbucks "What if my friends don't like me?" and wanting to know what they would DO in this new school.

Open House yesterday was great - I'm glad I went because it's something I'd usually have tried to avoid (in my mind I would have rolled my eyes insisting it can do just as much harm as good as it's not structured and since the parents are there we're the ones in charge of our kids and we always look weird when its that situation - too lax or too hovering). But it was great because Abby LOVED her room. She saw that there was a Jonathan (which she pronounces Jonnifer) in her class and apparently Joe's real name is Jonathan so she was convinced he'd be there and that set everything in the world right apparently. This made me nervous as I didn't know for sure this Jonathan was Joe, but whatever. She thought the classroom was the coolest and didn't ask her teacher (Mrs. French) if she spoke French (which I appreciated, since she'd been asking ME for weeks. I finally figured out though it wasn't just the play on names - but Abby was actually concerned Mrs. French would teach the class in French and Abby is well aware she doesn't know French).

Otherwise the only other mentions were deciding what to wear. She came out of her room about two hours passed bedtime and right before I was about to insist crankily that she get back in bed she told me the order of her outfits for the next three days. Apparently, she'd been pretty worried about it. Okay I say. Okay she says with a half smile and goes off to bed again.

This morning, all was normal. On the way to school I thought I'd give her one more opportuniy to choose whether or not I walked her into class or dropped her off through the carline. I'd basically decided to walk her in, feeling like I'd be worried about her the whole day if I didn't. She said she wanted to be dropped off but she'd tell me if she got shy and wanted me to walk in instead. I said that was okay but she'd have to make a decision soon about whether or not she was shy cuz we were almost there.

She took some time. Then sighed, "Momma, I really wanna try this on my own."

What a girl. Okay I say and off we go. There were waving teachers and cheerleaders doing a cheer and she was so excited and happy. She got out fine, though there were not quite as many people there to show her the way as I expected to be.

Afterward Abby said some adults and parents helped show her where to go, so for any of your adults and parents out there wondering what sort of insensitive mom dropped off her precious little girl at a new school all by herself when she didn't even know where to go - that was me, and I had to confirm the independence, didn't I?!

I picked her up and she assured me it was "Awesome" and that Joe was indeed in her class so all was fine. Literally that's how it was for her. Of course it was fine because Joe was there. I'll be meeting this Joe on Monday when I work at the school. Should be quite an experience.

She also told me they told her a great story about a raccoon (or some rodent like character) who didn't want to go to school but that his mom gave him a kiss on the palm of the hand and every time he put his hand to his cheek he felt the warmth of her kiss. It was so sweet how she told it.

She wasn't overly hyper or exhausted. Granted, it's the first day, but the first day of full day pre-K and she was happy but obviously exhausted saying, "it was a LONG day." Today she prattled on about everything they did and kept saying "WHAT a day it's been."

Jack, by the way, is not a fan of the carline. I know you're all shocked.

I like the carline fine. But I've already had all the normal problems packed into just the one day. I.E. when I dropped Abby off there was a discussion with the adult and a friend about whether or not she really didn't need her backpack (I could have sworn that was optional and she just wanted her folder so I told her she didn't have to and blah blah) anyway so I totally held up the carline - though to be fair to me, I was just there because they seemed to want me not to head out. So then they told me to pull forward to get out of the way and I did but Abby was still there in the door sorta so my attention was on her and if the line of parents and kids walking in together hadn't been on their toes they could have been very slowly plowed down as I idled forward. Then on the pick up line I was careful not to block a driveway but then I was sort of in the street and I thought I might fit behind the car in front of me - but I didn't at all - totally blocked the driveway of a whole little apartment complex where people were regularly going in and out. So then I tried to back off but the carline had closed in behind me. Finally someone honked the person behind me farther away and rather than trying to totally back out(that would have sucked - as twenty cars behind me would ALL have had to get that memo), I just got out of the line as soon as I had space (I would have done that earlier but I was totally closed in). The problem that I hadn't really "got" in my head was that though you have to go early in order to be on time, since the gates don't open until 3 you really are just sitting there. For ten to fifteen minutes with no movement at all. So you can't just block a driveway for a second like you can when the line is moving.

OOOOooh Well. I survived. It all worked out. I overheard another mother tell her son that the carline was NOT going to work for her. I think she just got flustered by the waiting until the gate opened issue. It seems weird to just be sitting there but if you don't expect movement it shouldn't be a problem, right?

Anyway that was her first day of REAL school - and onward she'll march for years and years and years. Insanity.

OH and I forgot her nap towel and her snack - did I already say that?

Advantages of Waiting

These two kids LUUUUURRRRVE each other. They rarely fight (though it's early days yet as Jack doesn't have a lot of words to argue with yet), they are ridiculously attached.

I hope to have another post in a few years entitled, "Advantages of Being Close" (i.e. as Finn and Jack hopefully develop a very different but just as precious and hilarious relationship)

Abby's 6th Birthday Party

This is going to be all backwards because the family birthday party pictures are on another camera and that happened Saturday.

Abby has had a fascination with cook books ever since Julie got her a star wars one (or was that for me but Abby absconded with it?), but this last year seems to have really truly solidified her interest - my guess is that Gramma actually would help her make the things in the cookbooks thereby making the whole thing all that much cooler/more magical/and more exciting.

So for Abby's birthday they planned for a while what they would make for her cake. For her family party they made an angel cake (picture to follow) and for her kid party they made a Mermaid cake! how pretty is she!


I'm not sure what came over me this year but I was really trying to find something we could do that was different for us and good and low hassle. After waffling all over the place, I finally settle on Amy's Indoor Playground. I was a little worried the kids we were inviting might be growing out of it, but I really like them as a place and the potential was for a lot of fun. AND sure enough the fun was there to be had.

Steve threw himself into the bounce house (quite literally) but did not pace himself. I rarely saw Abby - she was just totally busy with her friends. Jack was exhausted by the end of the party. I was pretty much fine. I didn't have to worry about timing or anything because the people there did it for us. I just chatted around, took some pictures, ate crackers and cake (not together). It was very nice.

Dave and Steve having a domestic disturbance
My mom and I made skirts and capes as favors. This was98% my mom doing the work but only because she fired me after she saw my first wavering seam line.

It's not Nesting...

It's simple common sense that one should seize onto any urge of organization or cleaning that one has when one is usually lethargic and sad.

I finally emptied out the three laundry baskets I've been using as a closet and put the clothes and towels away.

After putting Jack and Abby to bed I got Abby back out of bed and moved her bed and wardrobe. This was big because the way we had the bed positioned she was too close to the ceiling fan when she climbed up her ladder. We knew we were going to move it but just hadn't had the time or energy. It might not be the bed's final resting place but it's finally totally safe even if she's half asleep for her to climb down from her loft bed. I kept having these fears that I'd hear a clunk as she got a whack from the fan if I'd forgotten to turn it off at night or she turned it on on purpose or whatever. Course I also had to move the wardrobe to make the bed fit... and the bins of toys and books... so I went ahead and organized all that... it's not beautiful like my mom would do it but its a start.

I did the dishes, half the trash (Steve did the other half), put the paint cans that have been waiting upstairs since June into the garage... fed my family mostly... next I really need to just do a run through on the toy room since Gladys will be here to clean tomorrow.

I'm expecting three weeks at least - five at most. I'm not quite ready to make up the hospital bag... though that urge is there. Of course one problem is that I've lost the need - I never use much from my hospital bag when I'm at the hospital. I wonder what I'll bother putting in there.

OH I know why it's not nesting.

It's momentum. This is what I keep telling everyone and no one believes me. I work best when I'm feeding off someone else's momentum. In this case, after a frustrating lull in the construction activity the different teams got the sunroom floor in, the ironwork (making life so much easier because the area and the kitchen are no longer potential death traps for Jack) done, and the downstairs bar cabinets in. To make that work we rearranged our furniture...

So you see? Nothing to see here. Just what I've been trying to prove all along. I am a good worker bee as long as I'm motivated by momentum!

For the sake of Posterity and Divination

I've been looking through my Nov/Dec 2007 blog posts to see how I was handling pregnancy last time around.

If there is any comparison to be made, Nov 13, 2007 (3.5 weeks away from Jack's birth) I said "my bones are aching" by which I meant those bones. And tonight I got up after feeling faint and twitchy during church service to the same feeling, ("oowwww"). This was before I went looking back at posts, so it's not like a mind game.

Apparently last time I was sleeping already again. Bah, that's not true here.

Last time I think, because I was so sure it would be my second and last time having to go through pregnancy I think I was actually less uncomfortable but more impatient.

This time, I feel... funnily responsible for not being as impatient because I feel responsible for not being responsible enough in unintentionally getting pregnant. Like, I made my bed... sort of feelings. Even though of course the intentional pregnancy you'd think would have made me feel more like that - but it didn't.

I'm also feeling this time... when I imagine those hours directly after delivering the baby when I get to hold him and fuss with his fingers and toes, I feel very lucky - very bonus. Like I really wouldn't have chosen to do this and yet I get it anyway. It's like I made a decision that I don't have to live with ... the baby - yes, the baby I have to live with - but that's fun.

I've been calling him the bonus baby and it really does feel like that. I definitely (obviously) do not associate any of the frustration/unhappiness of pregnancy with the baby. Ha. Maybe that's why I don't enjoy pregnancy - it's just a process to get the baby in my arms, not the joyous fulfilling of making baby that it could be... for some wacky women out there.

Let's see.... I'm uncomfortable - can't sit or stand or lie down with any ease or comfort. I have NEW stretch marks. I'm not a big person to get upset about stretch marks, but it does feel like a bit of a battle scar when the THIRD baby forces one right across the middle of the baby bump. OH and my ankles have swelled up to cankle size. This is new. This didn't happen the other times... but I've gained ten more pounds already so ... oh geez that sounds awful. Oh well, I'm ignoring it. Doing my best, but ignoring the success or failure. Just like I would preach to the friends and family who do this long after this is a hazy memory. See? Future people? I DO know how hard it is, I do feel your pain, and I also really do know that it's fleeting.... and not worth getting too depressed about.

Mostly.

Fabulous

Surreal

Okay this doesn't even look like a real belly to me. Don't get me wrong I don't think I look like a skinny little model with a fake baby bump - I look like pregnant me (read: big me) with a fake baby basketball hidden under my dress.

Seeing as it is REAL and not fake at all - I would have to say this picture confirms that Finn has NOT dropped yet. Like at all. Like he looks weirdly high. And... protruding...

"Hi"

Impromptu Coronado

just one more inch, Jack!

LOVE this look from Jack...

Oddly enough, I have been to Coronado a LOT recently. Mostly on these little unplanned trips to see Noni.

This weekend, I have no idea what got into me, but when Zoozie suggested she would take Abby and Caiah to visit Noni for one night only, I thought - well... lets throw Jack (and I) in the mix then too. I think my impulse had something to do with the fact that I'd hoped to go down there with Wesley's Family this same weekend but had never been able to get it together. I had originally had three shoots and two canceled. AND it is the last weekend before soccer starts - I dunno - it just seemed meant.

Course we didn't know at the time we'd be at the condo again instead of the house (poor Noni's neighbors) and I didn't realize at all it was a holiday weekend.

We picked up Caiah and bravely set off. And bravely we sat in traffic for four hours. Zoozie manned the iphone giving me regular (if somewhat optimistic - is false too strong a word ;)? ) updates on the traffic conditions.

Jack, who should have slept soundly about half the time slept for only thirty minutes - the fun the other two cousins in the back were having was just too much for him. Well, it could have been them or the people in the front yelling at the traffic.

We finally got through the traffic - smooth green lines on the traffic watch as far as the eye could see. Jack was freaking out - he's not a huge fan of the car, but does pretty well on short (90 minutes) drives now. This one, with limited nap... he was FLIPPING out. Not exactly screaming, but I dunno- IIII could feel the tension of the impending explosion in the air. Zoozie got any side abs workout she may have wanted twisting around rescuing a binky or serving snacks or even sacrificing her iphone trying to just keep everyone together while we crawled along.

So ... we stopped for lunch. We had to. And what could be the harm? We were finally clear of the traffic - what could possibly happen in twenty minutes?

oHHHhhh ALL red and yellow lines on traffic watch the rest of the way - that's what could happen.

We lost all hope in keeping Jack from exploding. Our goal was just to get there.

I was all prepared (being me) to have to sit and coddle Jack a bit when we got there, but no - he was fine as soon as he was out of the car. *rolls eyes*

He wasn't at his best for sure, but after a long night's sleep he was a delight the next day.

Caiah and Abby were too busy with each other to care much about anyone else. They played and played and played. Abby, of course, didn't forget her brother whom she cuddled and wrestled with and carried around as if she was the bottom half of a circus performer.

Grumpy Air

*important note about this post. I need one of those air sprayer thingees to clean out my keyboard because my "d" and "t" keys are being annoyingly difficult to press. So from here on out I am not going to redo the word if the keys do not work, making an otherwise whiney post possibly slightly enteraining (see, it's fun alreay isn't it?).

I am so overwhelmingly tired.

Nothing is working for sleep again.

I have forgotten to take care of a few HUGE things.

I have some huge things on the horizon.

I am huge.

I nee to call Abby's school lunch people to tell them I put the wrong teacher name on the thingee. And to somehow reeem my overpayment from summer school.

I nee to clean clean clean.

Clean.

Clean.

I'm lethargic at this point...

and defeated...

and stuck...

I'm not sitting around antsy waiting for labor or something - it's not that sort of impatience - it's more - I actually forget that there will be an en. That this is shor lived and should be reasured an blah blah blah like that. It is to be treasured, really it is - because what I am still very worried abou is Jack. I am so sad for the little heartbreaks hat are bound to be coming his way these next few months. Still, that's not the message my brain is giving me.

The messages floating through my brain are about just being huge an uncomfortable and not liking the way I look or the way I tire or how very hard it is just to keep a positive attituue through the ay - it would be so much easier to just lay in bed and whine an cry an be ouwardly grumpy at everyone everyay. Bu no, of course I try - I ry very very hard to do well, o feel goo, no o outwardly boher everyone with my general low opinion of how I feel at the moment. An of course when I fail even at that I feel lower - like great - not only o I feel blah I've just blahed out the day for my kids.

I'm not depressed about all this exactly - just like - I sort of feel like I just must be really really failing at the diet or the housework or parenhood or something like that. It's this nagging feeling of issatisfaction.

I try to just plug along an do all the small things I can, hoping that the small things will help with the big things as time goes on - but they all seem to buil on each other. I've done more ishes this week than in a month but there are STILL iry ishes. I've cooked more in order to save money an time an of course that makes the more ishes. I make lists before going to the store - still I'm there everyday. Then heres the launry - just mocking me. Especially since fewer tops are covering my belly, fewer bottoms look decent, I'm noticing more an more stains everywhere so my maternity wardrobe is dwinling along with my time being in maternity clothes. Thank God. But I don't want to pack anything up or throw TOO many things away because no one's going to notice this tiny stain my shouler of my comfiest shirts when I've got twelve ounces of spit up on me anyway. An I'm not going to be in my NORMAL clothes for a few months....so... that leaves... stuck in maternity never never lan. ifferen piles of clothes in ifferent bins in an orer only I unerstan.

But - hey - on the positive. I am really excited now to have a new baby. I have less panic about having a third child to worry about and keep safe and more just happy to have him.

I still don't have any clue how I'm going to survive through the day once he is out of the CONSTANT baby-wearing phase (i.e. when he is going to want to play and be let own now and then), but I guess we'll cross that brige when we come to it.

p.s. Steve's car has ANOTHER thing wrong with it. We have already paid this year more than we will probably get for trading it in - but with the whole construction project we don't want to be irresponsible and add a payment to our monthly life (Subaru is paid off). But if its inevitable anyway we don't want to keep throwing money into a bottomless pit either. It's so funny, when we were eciding beween getting a car or the construction I thought Steve was crazy to even be suggesting car. Ha. See? Even when he's wanting a new car he always ens up righ. Such a pain to be married to Mr. Right.

Guile Missing

Abby is still in her phase of coming into our room in the wee hours of the morning to sleep on the floor (we leave a purposely uncomfortable little blanket there). Sometimes she doesn't come in until daylight (the official rule), but basically if I'm asleep then I don't pay her any mind, she just lays down and is immediately asleep.

Miss Pat suggested this method. I don't argue much with Miss Pat's suggestions. So that's not my problem.

The funny thing is, as Abby was going to bed tonight she said, semi-frustrated, semi-bewildered, "Momma, everynight you say I can't come into your room until morning but then every night I do and you say yes" (ha, i don't SAY anything, but it is an implied yes by acceptance).

I laugh... well... what... how am I supposed to answer that? You're right - you're not allowed in!? I know how well that's going to work.

We sit around and discuss the problem for a while. She wants to come up with a plan that will help her stay in her bed at night. Me reading her books, and her getting to watch two movies were her suggestions.

I explained the bright lights of the tv weren't good for her eyes or brain at night and that I had to sleep - so it had to be a plan that she could do on her own - like read a book or put a cd on.

She was stumped, "Well, do you have any ideas, because I don't have any ideas at all."


She tried reviewing, stating the things we definitely couldn't do.

I totally want to do this with her, but I don't have any ideas... Honestly I think it will just stop one day.

But it was just so funny for her to be confronting me on my inconsistency. She doesn't quite get how badly that could go for her ;).

Manhattan Beach

This picture makes me laugh.



If you have been around Abby more than five minutes in the last year or so you'll have become aware that sleepovers are her new FAVE thing in the world. Yes she still gets a little weepy when she misses me at night but that doesn't keep her from seeking these nights away... persistently and doggedly.

After months of planning, it was finally time to have the Uncle Aaron and Aunt Megan sleepover. I drove her to Manhattan Beach where Aunt Megan proved once again to be the coolest wife Aaron could have chosen by taking Abby on an adventure straight off until Aaron could get home.

There was a lot of baking treats from what I hear... and snack treats. Some movie night and quite a lot of deliberation of which side of the bed she should set up her floor sleeping area on. She settled next to Megan and got her hand held until she was absolutely completely totally unconscious.

Luckily she was so exhausted by all the fun she slept in til 8. Whoo. I always like it when I don't see horrible shadows under the eyes of her sleepover facilitators (*cough* Samantha *cough*).

My mom joined us in picking Abby up and spending a little time at the beach before heading home.

Look at how freaking handsome Jack is. I so seldom get good pictures of him because dang it he is just never STILL. Or if he is - he's intent on his cars and does not want to socialize for the camera.

Freaky Brain (aka Head Shrinking #2)

Okay, I can see why psychology was once feared to be from the devil. There are some weird things that go on in our brains and psychology's explanations can be downright eerie.

I have been angry - like really easily frustrated/at the end of my rope sort of angry the first few days of this past week and just automatically chalked it up to pregnancy hormones.

But toward the end of our women's group wednesday night someone was talking about something else and I thought 'Oh yeah, I forgot to tell everyone about that thing' and all in one big fell swoop the history of how this thing has affected me before made me go OH!

Oh, I see. I've been upset about this and had no clue. I would not have really truly believed you if you'd told me it would affect me.

Anyway, as I was oh so impressed with my realization, that's what we talked about. Led down some roads I hadn't thought of. All in all another good head shrinking.

"Mommy"

I remember, quite vividly, holding a squirmy scrawny little Abby and thinking in my romantic thoughts, "Someday, she's going to call me Mommy" and thinking that was wild and wonderful and cool.

AND it was.

And then I belonged to Jack too - there is something utterly possessive about that title.

I still get a little mushy when Jack goes around looking for me mumbling "mmummmummummummm" (not exactly as exact as "DADDY", but I get the idea).

And I find myself smiling indulgently when I overhear Abby say to a friend, "I'll be right back, I have to ask my mom." Because she somehow does seem to have a bit of pride to have a mom to ask? I dunno- that sounds weird, just a vibe I get.

Of course... there is also the other side. There are always two sides, aren't there?

The side of, "If someone calls out for "Mommy" one more time in the next ten seconds I'm going to throw this plate out the window."

Or when they call for you desperately as you have to leave as if you are abandoning them forever and their world will never be the same again. Ah yes, that one isn't so fun either.

But you know... on the whole... well... good, bad, or ugly it is bound to change fifteen minutes from now.

Ahh. Motherhood.