Oxymorons with Pregnancy

It's such an odd thing to be pregnant. Miraculous brilliant difficult - yes yes all that.

It's also at the same time very isolating and very er... the opposite of isolating.

It is the opposite of isolating because I feel like everywhere in public I go I am wearing a bright red clown nose - an inside joke that everyone is in on. Knowing smiles abound, raised eyebrows paired with soft chuckles, and sympathetic notions about the heat are exchanged. Women huddle together and reminisce knowingly thankful that they are NOT walking in the same path as my very swollen ankles. (They aren't even kankles - they are thighkles)

But it is isolating because I'm walking around with this hidden person inside me who quite often catches a nerve or rolls a certain way in which I have to swallow my almost involuntary cry of "Ouch! Hey!" or "OooooohLordie." It is isolating because everything is so internal, including those braxton hicks that sure, are pretty routine for me right now, but they are still there - and to be paid attention to. Okay, body, I get it, you're working this whole thing out again... no rush, I'm fine... but... could you somehow warn me when the REAL super early labor starts?

For Abby my first contraction was my first (what I thought at the time was) Braxton Hicks. Little did I know it was the beginning. For Jack it was Braxton Hicks all day and then they dwindled... only to turn into full on labor in the middle of a dream a few hours later.

So... this time, the Braxton Hicks... they don't stress me out too much. Baby is full term, won't supposedly be too small to arrive safely - -but he'd probably be scrawny - and I know from all you wonderful moms I know who've struggled to get their thin ones "on the chart" so to speak that though you KNOW they are fine (who made that stupid chart anyway?) but still... the pressure - I'd rather skip the pressure thanks.

But thats besides the isolation point. It's also - I'm whiny - especially to those I love ;) - but I don't want to complain too much to random people - after all who's to say that they aren't in a situation where being as huge and uncomfortable as I am right now is their heaven because they aren't able to be here? So you can't really be too honest or authentic unless you know the person well enough...

I suppose - that just might be that I WOULD be a little too honest and authentic with a stranger huh? Ha.

Another oxymoron - wanting the moment to arrive vs. holding onto THIS moment. OH I could seriously fantasize about those moments - those quiet moments in the hospital where visitors have come and gone and I am snuggling up to a new little snuggle bug, feeling most likely still very huge and uncomfortable but at least knowing finally there's nowhere but forward with myself and the new little guy and my family. But OoooH how simple in comparison life is right now. I know the two kids I have. I know their foibles and their patterns and our little world is, in comparison, just in this beautiful little harmony. Course I will enjoy being able to bend down and help retrieve all the toys Jack manages to get lost under narrow places without needing a double dose of tums from all the stress on my body. And I will enjoy oh... just EVERYTHING about not being pregnant. But the control will slip for a while as we all adjust. The chaos will be slow-motion craziness. The kids will react and continue to react. I will continue to get little sleep and still try desperately to be a present and fun mom. But oh how it will all be so much more complicated. OH and the doctor's visits! Ugh. Don't get me started on the doctor's visits.

So... yeah... It is the best of times, it is the worst of times, and so it will continue to be!