2006 - The year I lost my pants...

Yes, I know that title is inappropriate - but it's True! 2006 began with the family cruise to Mexico for which I had meticulously packed and my suitcase was left in the garage of our home. I blame Steve for this which he enthusiastically denies. But what happened was that he was very pissy about either wanting to leave or not wanting to leave - or a misunderstanding about whether his parents were meeting us at our house or we were meeting them at their's. And so he was kicking bags and basically I was very close to being very pissed off at him for this attitude so I tried to be helpful rather than resentful and moved ALL the bags out into the garage as he was picking them up. I accept that I should have done a doubletake, just to be sure - but I believe that he was so upset I basically just went with the flow rather than be my stressy normal self. At the end of the day, it was bad luck and both of our faults... and that basically ended up being 2006 in a nutshell.

We had some bad luck with the house and made some bad decisions in response. The frustrating old windows for example - we still don't have air/heat and so, one very very hot night we needed Abby's window open and it was stuck (bad luck). I didn't want to deal with it because there was a web/spider/gook/dark night and I'd just watched some horror film- so I went cowardly (bad decision - my fault). I ask Steve to come do it for me - he swears at the window, gives it a good bang right in the wrong place and puts his fist through the glass pane (bad decision- his fault).

To expand on the illustration - after realizing my clothes were really not on the ship, I pretended to have a good attitude but basically was inconsolable for most of the trip... on edge, frustrated, bitter, riding on a pity party. Steve did quite a bit behind the scenes to try to make things better for me, but told me right away something to the effect that if I let it ruin the cruise he was ashamed of me. Fair enough - particularly in light of the fact that he was seeing me be inconsolable... but didn't exactly bring us closer.

Similarly, we both know we can't let stress ruin a year, our family, or Abby's emotional well being so we've been alternating between the two of us who is giving themselves pity parties and who is slapping them in the face and saying, "Snap out of it." And yet I don't think either of us made the other feel enough that we appreciated and supported each other.

There were good times on the Cruise. There were good times in 2006.

But this time next year, I want to look back on what I wrote in review and not feel like all I've done is whine. I think that is the crux of the matter. I look back on 2006 and I am not happy with how selfish my outlook was - or how long it took me to force myself into a good attitude. I'm also frustrated with how often Steve and I weren't on the same page. It wasn't like we fought that much - we just weren't on the same side. I blamed him for things that I should have been his support for instead.

Onward and Upward, though... it's a good time to start over. Better.

P.S. it's not bad taste for Dave to make a joke in the comments - I set him up for it with my title and would be pretty disappointed if he didn't say something brilliantly funny... no pressure though. Besides, this is all going to read a lot more serious than I feel it is.

Sleep patterns

I was just tonight feeling convicted that I needed to go to bed earlier because in the morning I am a total zombie until 9 - which sucks for Abby who wakes up at 7.

But I am realizing that Abby's skin problems are waking her up every morning at the same time - 5:27 or so. And every morning she comes to my room and asks me to stay with her for one more minute. As it usually is literally about thirty seconds before she's asleep again - I have said ok and counted to ten and walked out of the room back into bed.

Every once in a while the itching is so bad that she can't get back to sleep and I'm stuck in her room... like I am now for example. And I'm fully awake and in a basically good mood and not at all a zombie.

So, I'm sitting here wondering if my sleep pattern - specifically the lighter part of my sleep pattern - specifically the best time for me to wake up is 5:27. However, when I stumble in here, it's not like my mind is totally clear and ready for the day. But I definitely become awake easier.

So, on the one hand, my guilt is assuaged about staying up late because the culprit may just be that sevenish is deep sleep for me. And on the other hand, if I'm going to embrace this theory I'll need to go to bed quite a bit earlier because I can't last the day with five hours sleep particularly when the five hours is post-midnight.

Cute Abby quotes in regards to her sensitive skin (she has had a long term mild to moderate rash. We went to the doctor who said that her skin is very sensitive and all we can do is slater Cetaphil Lotion on her and give her Benedryl every night before she goes to sleep):
quote 1: (spoken to the doctor re: looking at her rash) I think you have to read me.
quote 2 (while touching her rash all over her belly): Look, look, I'm all skin-y
quote 3:(waking up itching): My skin is back, my skin is back.

Record of if treatment is making any difference: Started Tuesday night. I know she woke up at least two of the last three nights. I'll start keeping track.

Not so Bad...

As usual, I was expecting the wrong thing to be difficult. Oh well.

We have had a very very nice Christmas. It wasn't as fun as we could have made it in our little three person family, but everything went well and we'll put more heart into it next year.

Abby, unaffected, loved her gooey gooey (floam) and her ironing board set best.

1:17am Christmas 2006

I'm just not sure why everything is so draining at Christmas. Well, so far, so good. One more day of this stuff. I've had a genuinely good time at all gatherings, have gotten some good pictures... my mom made me burnt fudge... there really isn't much that could make me more content.


Everyone says they can't believe how fast a year goes by, and so do I... every single year... but really... seriously... 2006 ... seriously... done?


I do feel like I get better at getting through the year every year. That's something.

On a Serious Note...

This whole honestly being worried about how we are going to pay the bills next year really sucks. Even though Steve is not the sort of guy to verbalize his feelings, I feel like we end up talking about pretty much everything... pretty easily.

But this whole scarey next year thing... i.e. what is he going to do to make enough money to keep us from paying our property tax with a credit card... it's something we can't talk about.

Well, that's not entirely true. We talk about it when we are both in positive states of mind - we talk about proactive ideas on how to stretch this money here and how we'll cut out such and such.

But if either one is in an unpleasant state about it. Worry, stress, sadness, fear... I can't really share that him because it snowballs any dormant feelings of the same in himself.

Seeing as I am not pregnant, I have just tonight realized that my extra emotions this year may not have to do with brownies as much as this hanging over our heads. I mean, I am sure they are kind of connected. After all, I was probably having extra brownie cravings because of the stress and since I am trying to control the emotion gobbling eating thing, I've been down a lot more than perhaps I normally would be.

I don't want Steve to do anything but what he's trying to do. So that leaves us... exactly here.

And here is fantastic if it weren't for that pesky shadow hanging over everything all the time.

Aunts, Uncles and Cousins, Oh My!

It's so odd that Abby is currently growing up surrounded by a ton of family. Both my parents were raised that way but we rarely saw our extended family... and it's not like I really had a problem with that. That's not a shot at my extended family - it's just... how it is.

So I wonder how it will be for Abby to know... really know her Aunts and Uncles and Cousins... assuming we all stay as close as we are now in both space and sentiment.

Now Don't Take This Wrong...

But I'm dreading Christmas.

There was a little anxiety on my part when it looked like my side of the family wasn't going to get together, but it got worked out. We had my family Christmas and it was great and everyone had a great time. And now... I don't want to do the rest.

I am going to concentrate on making it really special because for once we don't have anything that I am specifically looking forward to. So - it is actually the perfect opportunity to have a really really nice time.

How old is she?

Woke up at 2AM.
@ Disneyland 11AM
Still dancing at 10PM

Daddy! It's Santa Claus...

Foiled again...

I would have succeeded if it hadn't been for those pesky Candy Cane Ave Kids!!!

Comment Problem...

This could be the ultimate opportunity I've been waiting for. Dave can't comment but no one knows that... so I could just talk and talk and talk about how he desperately wants a life in the Churro industry and it's just that no one will give him the break he deserves.

And how he and Shannon have started Wesley in commercials for Baby Stink Breath but they are planning to sqaunder his funds on risky real estate ventures.

OO! And how he loves corn nuts. EVERYONE needs to get Dave some corn nuts. He loves them...

Fatherhood...

Oh boy. Steve just had his first hint of what it will be like when the boys start getting interested in Abby.

We were at the pre-school Christmas party and Henry was playing with Abby and then, Abby was playing with Steve. Well, Henry got jealous and tried to coax, cajole and finally order Abby to come back to playing with him. Abby didn't take to the show of caveman tactics and stayed with Daddy.

Henry is very very sweet and I am sure their little friendship remained unscathed, but it was pretty interesting. The competition is already starting. Father pitted against Suitor... Somehow we didn't think it would start quite this early.

Sort of a pain to get help around here...

I'm just trying to figure out if anything can reset things and re-allow comments

....

I'm not happy with how this blogger is positioning multiple photos. UGH. How can I say witty things next to the photos if they are positioned like this?

No viewfinder? No problem!

Today was a great day for photos... these are just the black and whites....

Perhaps I should take more baths...

Okay, everytime I go to a chiropractor or a massage therapist they ask me if I am a swimmer or a weight-lifter because apparently I have a freakish amount of muscle or tension in my upper back.

Odd.

I'm thinking maybe I need to chill out.

Plateau

I am so proud of Abby today. She had TWO Picture People sessions - one in the morning with Wesley and one in the evening with family and she did great.

I wonder if I will ever lose the panic attack feeling that wells up inside at the thought of getting her picture taken now that it's not as traumatic...

ix-Nay on the World's Finest Chocolate-ay

Yuck.

Abby's Best Friend

18,000 words...

Well... they aren't necessarily all good 18000 words but I'm writing.

50000 is the goal and then obviously I'll go back and cut the hell out of it and build it back up and cut it down and etc, etc.

Just thought I'd share.

Superior Genetics

Well, I've finally done something I've been procrastinating and worrying about for at least eight years (probably more like ten). I went to the dentist.

And after all the burnt fudge and salsa I have subjected my teeth to, I had no cavities or problems. Just needed a serious cleaning obviously.

Thank you God, and please, please let our children get my strength of teeth - even if they are crooked. I don't know which is worse. Maybe our children will be super-teeth-children with Steve's perfectly straight teeth gene and my astoundingly strong teeth gene fused.

Godzilla?

Attack of the Japanese Tourists On Coronado Island...

This was the scene early Thanksgiving Day morning right before a large group of Japanese Tourists descended on this unsuspecting, if slightly suspicious, little American girl. Perhaps she sensed in the air what was about to happen.

Behind her, while playing the annual family football game in the park, the little girl's Aunt Samantha noticed a tourist taking an unsolicited picture of her niece. Worried, she quickly waved to the child's mother. The mother, always one for trying to make nice, smiled and insisted it wasn't a problem.

Emboldened by the mother's wide smile, the Japanese man waved inched closer, waving to the little girl while six of his friends started taking pictures. The girl waved back as kindly as she could while her spidey sense tingled.

Sure enough the kind Japanese man's friends were less sensitive of the little American girl's carefully instilled cautious nature. One by one three of these friends came up to have their picture taken next to the little girl. One literally tried to pull her toward them while the baby's mother shook her head and pulled back. Another picked her up to sit on his knee while the girl's mother kept the smile plastered on her face so as not to freak out her child, but pulled her daughter back against her securely, smiling and waving at the crazy tourists.

As fast as they had come, the jovial, if pushy Japanese tourists were gone, most likely mumbling and rolling their eyes at the three year old's refusal to hug them and pose for pictures. The American girl was unphased by the incident. The child's mother was never in distress as the wise assortment of uncles, aunts, cousins, and grandparents were just a few feet away.

In case you haven't guessed... that little girl's name was Abby.





p.s.
Does anyone know the Japanese words for, "She's shy, back off?"

Thanksgiving... Hardly noticed it came and went... something missing... I think I miss my family's Thanksgiving... except it wouldn't end up the way I would want it - which is ... I dunno... I think where I had no responsibility except to sit around and eat. Course I would have responsibility now Just a grass greener moment, I think. No worries.

Thanksgiving... remembering the plagues

So, I was walking through my house on the way to put Abby's heater on (it's already cold in this well built old house) and realized I hadn't put away a spoon from this muffin which made me remember when we first moved in how the very foundation of this house used to be infested with ants.

In honor of Thanksgiving, I thought I'd thank God for all the plagues that He has already helped us through in this house...

1. Thieves
2. Electricity
3. Dust
4. Ants
5. Fleas
6. Water Leaks
7. Rain Torrents
8. Ugly Sunroom
9. Debris and Trash
10. Freezing Cold (course that is coming back)
11. Sweltering Heat (that's also coming back)
12. Asbestos

All these things are behind us. That should bring peace. Well... at least gratefulness.

Reunited and it Feels so Good...

It's been a while. They were sentimental. I had a camera. What was I supposed to do?

It's Fall!

Abby's loving the leaves.

Is That a Bowl of Sand on Your Head...

Or are you just happy to see me?


Abby has a little boy friend (a friend that is a boy people) at school who has been asking her to help him cook in the little play house in the play ground. They fill a bowl with sand and talk about the ingredients and then Henry dumps the bucket of sand over his own head while Abby giggles madly. After ten times or so, my sweet innocent girl suggests they start cooking with mud. The same pattern repeats.

Thank you God for...

Crazy Family members who spend two hours taking silly pictures with Abby while babysitting...


You'll see Abby has now developed a "SUPERHERO!!" Pose (it's comic book style you see)





Well that is how the yelling of the "SUPERHERO!" while punching out their arms in true Superman fashion started - but then it bled into other effects...








This is Abby's "Scarey" face






It just really does warm a parent's heart when we come home and realize Abby's had a much better time with her babysitters than she would have had with us...






Of course these are only five of eighty or so they took.

Too Much Information: Canker Sores

Fascinating. I can now pinpoint a twenty minute period of stress last night to giving me a canker sore.

I first noticed the correlation between stress and canker sores for me when we went to Oregon for Steve's Grandma's funeral. I have no idea what made that time/trip so incredibly stressful, but I was freaking out. I developed like four canker sores and could barely open my mouth because of the pain.

Apparently, after that, it just got easy for my body to decide that is where it should get back at me for stressing out. Because the trigger this time was simply worry that I wouldn't have enough time to get Abby ready to go get babysat at Megan & Bryan's and myself ready for the 'Bobby' screening.

And there is this cloud of fear. Our Bible Study was studying Romans 9 and 10? last week and it was the chapter Paul was talking about fairness and who are we to say to God how things should work for our lives. The terminology was who are we are all made by the same Potter with the same clay - who are we to complain if some of us are made as ashtrays and others for art or some such thing. I'm not clear if the main point was the whole predestination/choice thing - i.e. if He knows what people are going to chose not to accept him and therefore go to Hell - why would God bother to let them into the world in the first place - i.e. they really don't have a choice they are going to Hell...

OR if it was more like the whole concept that as Christians the only thing we're promised is salvation - not an easy life.

So... the fear crept in... what if Steve doesn't succeed in this venture? We're already on the cusp. If something doesn't happen early next year, that's it... we don't have any more reserves, we can't take out any more loans.

I know he would do anything to support us. But what is he supposed to do?

When thinking about this, there is no question in my mind (NONE) that this is what he is supposed to be doing with his career. So what the hell is God's plan for us if what he is supposed to be doing doesn't work?

Great things are happening in his partner's career and it wouldn't be a betrayal for him to need to concentrate on what he is doing. There is no indication of that yet, but... we have to be prepared for that.

Since January, when we got hit with all the leaks, we've been just waiting... just feeling like 'ok, it can't get worse than this... nothing else can go wrong... we just need to be patient and faithful and God is just preparing us for great things'

And now... when it feels like we are hugely thankful for our health... but otherwise everything else seems to be at a boiling point.

In every down time God refines us. I know that, I can testify to that. What discourages me is that - what if the refining process is our entire lives? Like Steve having to suffer in a dead job his whole life just so we can get by? (ok considering family stuff that's probably ridiculous - but we don't want someone we love to pass away to be the thing that changes the pendulum swing in our lives!)

And what am I really prepared to do? I've talked about not having a second baby until we're in a more stable place as a precaution. But now, I think I need to be serious about it.

I don't want to go back to work. But I don't want to add to Steve's pressure if that is what it comes down to.

So now it's all up to God. Where do we go from here?

This whole stepping out for Steve's career thing... I can't imagine life before it. I can't believe he suffered in Sales for five... six? years. I don't question the decision. But geez, I'd like a break.

The question becomes was the house a mistake? Uh... well... yet to be determined. I don't want to think about it because it's done.

I don't think it was a totally irresponsible move... I don't think it was. So I don't think it is the lesson God wants me to learn.

So as not to leave God feeling like I'm ungrateful... I am so thankful for:
My beautiful girl and her wonderful personality
For her words (she told me today getting up from the couch was 'unahcemtable')
For how well she's doing potty training. We're there at home... it's just outside that is hard.
For the lack of drama in our families right now
For Steve being honest about his worries
For this amazing house
For the weather not turning freezing yet
For operation learn how to love cat again working great
For MS giving me maid service every other week
For our health
For our marriage
For our friends
For our families
For loving us even though we are down because we don't see the whole picture
For chocolate shakes
For Scrubs because it makes us laugh
For our Godson Wesley because Abby suggests we go see him every other day
For our Goddaughter Julia because she is giving Abby ideas (tonight she pointed to my tummy and asked "Is there anyone in there yet?" I said "Nope, not yet." And she asked "What will her name be when she's in there?" and I said "I don't know." and Abby said, "I think her name is Julia.")
For my mom always willing to be there and always willing to clean a garage
For friends who make me laugh
For the canker sore wash that really works
For romance on tv

ENGLAND memory...

Abby and I resting against the Temple of Appollo - most prominently featured in the movie Pride and Prejudice 2005

I am so glad we made the trek to see this. We weren't going to because our hosts in England were burdened down with planning and couldn't join us. But we made the effort and the national park where it is located - Stourhead - was beyond worth it. It was beautiful... beautiful and eerie and awesome.

Abby's New Crush

She loves everything "Nightmare Before Christmas" and knows a lot of the songs, but Jack... Jack she loves.

My mom got her little dolls of Jack and Sally and Abby was thrilled. But when it was time to go home she wanted Jack to accompany her and Sally was not allowed.

The only problem so far with this new obsession is that now she thinks all the holidays are readily accessible places. She has been wanting to go to "Easter" for a week.

A Little Throw - Back to that Bastardly month October...

My Daughter decorated her own pumpkin at school:



Now that is one flamboyant Pumpkin.

Life Changing Diagnosis

Ok... here it is.

I think I am a "Supertaster" someone with more tastebuds than the normal person. I first heard about this on Oprah (yeah yeah I know, everyone shut up) and it could mean the redemption of my entire crazy eating life.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supertaster

an excerpt: As a whole, supertasters are less likely to enjoy and thus consume certain foods, although individual supertasters can certainly enjoy and consume these foods. Documented examples for either preference or consumption include:
Alcoholic beverages
Brussels sprouts
cabbage
Coffee
grapefruit juice
green tea
kale
spinach
soy products

I can honestly say that I have tried and do not like ANY of the things on that list.

Dr. Oz from Oprah... a DOCTOR people... said that if you are a supertaster you simply have to be taking a multi-vitamin because you're never going to like fruits and vegetables enough to be able to consume the right amount.

I am probably not the super highest supertaster on the planet - but I think that this could have some serious root! It would mean I'm not just crazy and stubborn and rudely picky.

I'll let you know what the self-test confirms.

November

If I post in November, will that push October out from the first page?

Cuz I'd like to do that. I'm sick of October.

So I know the Chickens Aren't Dead

Blah.

Steve is taking on the mission to follow up leads of agents. I'm fine with it.

Just now struggling with the embarrassment of anyone paying the money for the book because they love us and getting seriously disappointed but obviously not being allowed to say it.

Whatever. I'm not down about it. I have a large healthy EGO that still believes someone will eventually 'want' us and we'll be worth a whole hell of a lot when we're dead.

I suppose I could use that to quell the embarrassment - just think 18 dollars for the book we were disappointed in - in fifty years it might be worth 20!!!

Damn those Chickens...

Don't count your chickens before they hatch.

Finally got a look at the actual published book and it's thoroughly disappointing. It wouldn't be so bad if we'd been able to charge like ten dollars a book. I wouldn't mind asking friends and family to rally behind that. But it's not worth 18 and I'm not totally sure what is so particularly disappointing about it.

The binding is probably the big issue for me. It's soft, which I understood - but it's not cool textured soft like I'd hoped for (it's hard to pin down what it really looks like on the site) - it's much more like 'Kipper's Lost Ball' soft... like "I'm worth three bucks" soft.

The pages aren't glossy inside which bothers my mom quite a bit... I agree it would look better probably glossy but I'm not totally sold on that. There is a bit of texture to having rough paper... old school ness... hard to explain. But she's right the glossy would have set the watercolor off.

So... thoroughly...



deflated.

Mondays... who needs em?

We all felt this way this morning. Potty training Abby kicked our collective butts Sunday and we all wanted to crawl under something and eat brownies rather than start again today.

Ok, that was probably just me that wanted the brownies. I am back to doubting the logic of not comforting myself with food. It makes me happy... so so happy... sigh. Standing strong today after a binge on chocolate yesterday. But yesterday it was comfort binge-ing - today it would be celebratory binge-ing.

Speaking of chocolate... you all know by now how rich my tastebud memories from childhood are... well I just went looking for that "World's Finest Chocolate" company that used to do all the fundraising from my Elementary School... and lo and behold I found it. (located aptly at http://www.worldsfinestchocolate.com/). Milk Chocolate bars. I could eat my weight in them.

Anyway - the day turned out more than fine. A very sincere thank you to God (you know what you did).

But I guarantee it would have been better with cupcakes...






mmmmmmm cupcakes

We're Published!!!

Tee HEE!

We haven't seen the finished product ourselves yet so I may wait until then to send out the mass email and bulletin I want to send out.

This is way more exciting than I expected it to be.

Sexist

Ooo flashy title so you just had to read, huh?

I was just going to write about how much better I feel even though nothing has changed and blame it on female mood swings - specifically ME mood swings (I'm a Cancer - we are notoriously moody) and then I thought, I wonder if that is unfair.

I certainly feel like Steve goes through rough patches that don't necessarily directly correlate with a crisis and then sometimes it just gets better as his attitude shifts or whatever.

Male moods. A topic I find interesting.

Anyway, point is - I feel better.

I didn't get to have my meet with the parent - I'll try again Thursday.

I revised my outline and feel like I have an even better idea of what I'm doing, but it's still not straight forward all the way through. Need to actually WRITE now.

Hmm.

No, I mean right now - I need to write a new scene... With my J character or my father character.

As I say it I'm losing the drive to do it, the conviction, its not as satisfying to do one of their scenes...

I must...

Stay on Target....

I'm tempted to re-read another chapter but if I do I'll get bogged down in the details and get nothing done

Stay on Target....

Can't be the love interest chapters because those are too fun and I've practically written all of them....

Stay on Target....

Ooo except that one - and that includes the father so it almost counts...

You're too close!

Oh come on, writing anything is good at this point

Stay on Target

AhHWhhehehHhrgh *explosion*

Progress

Woke up feeling good even though there is an email due me that might be difficult.

Am going to hang out with a mom from Abby's school that just published a novel! Ha!

Downward Spiral

I think that it is interesting that I can know that I'm upset/mad/hurt (whatever) about a circumstance or with a person; I can know it and acknowledge it and talk about it and accept it... But still somehow when I get depressed I don't automatically connect that it has anything to do with those recent events.

My rationale is "Why would I be depressed about that? I know about it. I've already felt that." I must have a preconception in my mind that depression only hits someone when they don't deal with their feelings- i.e. they pretend they aren't upset or they don't realize they are in a certain stage of life or something.

Instead, for me depression is this sneaky little rat that follows at my heals for a few weeks - stays in the shadows until eventually I'm in the shadows with it. Hm. I should name my depression rat. How about... Whiskers? Twinkie? It should be Twinkie because along with a certain lethargy, I try to eat my depression away.

I always used to do this - knowing making myself a dessert made me feel better but again assuming that because I knew this consciously there was nothing underneath the action. Then, I went through the intro chapters of Dr. Phil's weight book and decided to actually pay attention to myself and when I had cravings (not just for dessert)... and I realized that I really do go straight to food if I want to medicate myself or celebrate for myself. All this is all very Dr. Phil - speak and probably sounds like armchair psychology but well - it was a surprise to me. Anyway, I started realizing I did this so I started not doing it and suddenly I was alot moodier. I was feeling the MOODS that before I'd been eating. I think this differs slightly from eating the feelings because that's why I always thought it wasn't a problem - I had plenty of feelings about things - had friends to vent to, etc - so how could that be a problem for me?

Anyway point being, I've only had maybe 'a' good writing session since the initial frenzy after S dropped the co-author idea (or maybe it was the other bomb she dropped that started this) and the other friend just kept doing what she does. I've been coming home from dropping off Abby at pre-school un-energized - just lucky to get a few chores around the house done before it's time to pick her up again. I've been weirdly possessive of my alone time and totally uninterested in getting to know the other parents at Abby's pre-school which has got to change because these people are going to be a big part of my life for a couple years at least.

I've wondered if the depression has nothing to do with the friend stuff and more to do with something I don't realize (i.e. my initial perception of why someone gets depressed) - like maybe I don't realize I've got issues with Abby being in school and all that. But you know - there is like no hint of that in my heart. It's just a guess because that is the only new thing going on. I mean... I am sort of sentimental about it - but mostly because I desperately want her to get everything she can out of it. And she is so far by the way. She is having such a great time. The last time I worked she went by the classroom door like five times on the back of a tricycle as one of the 'big' kids just rode her around and around the sidewalk.

Stupidly enough I am a little depressed that I'm trying to write a book. What a silly reason to be depressed! I just feel... vulnerable about it. I feel stupid for trying. That is just lame and don't worry, I'm not going to accept the feeling as valid... its just... there.

Considering the situations I've fought before, this is just pride stuff... perfectly solvable.

I just have this feeling like I have so much potential - I just need someone to take me over and manage me. I hate hate hate managing myself. I hate working for my own satisfaction (at least when I'm in a mood). My favorite Simpson's scene ever is in "The PTA Disbands" when Lisa is going through withdrawals from school:

Lisa: [panting] Grade me...look at me...evaluate and rank me! Oh, I'm
good, good, good, and oh so smart! Grade me!
[Marge scribbles an A on a piece of paper]
[Lisa walks off, muttering crazily and sighing]

This is SO me - and the way I think I would work best - with some all - powerful managing force to work towards impressing, grading, ranking, affirming me as the brilliant amazing creative person I think I am. LOL. That is what I think is so funny and I wonder if everyone is like this. Half the time it sounds as if I'm totally devoid of self - confidence and the other half I'm about as full of myself as one can be without their ego melting out through my ears.

Anyway, I have a new ally in my writing, so if I could just snap out of this funk, I think I'd be ready for a good run on the writing. I just have to make the effort to get out of this. It just seems like so much effort.




But for this girl and this family and for myself, I'm ready to do the work to get myself moving again.


p.s. random note - if you can take some gore "The Departed" is an amazing movie. I have my issues with it (the 'surprise' killing towards the end just lame and not just cuz I wanted him to live but because they had to make him out of character in order to get him into that position to kill him and some Jack extraneous scenes) but the actors and the writing was just fantastic. I really cared - like really really really cared about the characters even though I knew I'd most likely lose the ones I liked the most because it's an 'artsy' director. I just go to bed at night pretending the guy that I didn't want to die didn't and that he's riding off into the sunset a la "LA Confidential."

Start the Presses

"Twelve Days of Christmas" is in the printing phase.

Soon we shall learn if we just did this for a lark or if someone will sit up and take notice.

Foiled Again by Jenny Crusie

Jenny Crusie is a Romance/Fiction author I like quite a bit. She has a blog on her main site and she has the whole dueling he wrote/she wrote blog with a co-writer that I was addicted to for a while.

Point being she often blogs about writing, mistakes/challenges/ etc.

So I finally feel like I have a handle on my first chapter and she does a blog about how she puts a book down immediately if it starts with a whole lot of infodump. It has to start in the now, blah blah.

Which I totaly agree with - but I immediately thought of my chapter and went 'WHOOPS' thats all info dump.

Sigh.

So, it challenged me to SHOW not TELL (we all remember that lesson from 3rd grade English, right?).

And so off I go to revise my chapter...

And by revise I mean start over.

Ok, you know what? I don't know that Tomorrow IS another day...

I am frustrated with the female species at the moment. And I'm sick of the whole mess. We're not talking one problem person here... unless we're talking about me - after all I am the common denominator. (And *no* I'm not hinting. The three females who know about this blog are not the problem)

But (*#&$^*! I'm going to use it.

And its going to be to my benefit.

To misquote Eddie Izzard, "I just can't get these trees right... - dammit I will kill everyone!!"
(except I'm not Hitler, so we'll just say "Dammit I don't like ANYone!")

pfft.

*update: Hazel has restored my general faith in females. Even though I still can't count on anyone ;)

Tomorrow is another Day

I am home from Idaho and it feels like I'm coming back from a month long sojourn. Yup, I broke out the word sojourn. Trip wasn't adequate. Like I sort of feel like I have to ease off a mountain top experience and yet - it wasn't particularly momentous.

I didn't end up getting much sleep even though Chelsea and I actually got a bedroom to ourselves (we were initially meant to huddle on a hide-a-way bed). The first night we went to bed pretty late and the second it ended up being odd sharing a bed because I went to sleep earlier. I dunno.

My mind seemed very very occupied. I couldn't rest well.

But there wasn't any negative to the trip - I felt very at home - very much part of the family.

I suppose that may be where the melancholy at leaving it behind comes from. It feels very much like they've accepted me as a sister-in-law in the family and yet I probably won't see these people again. Maybe once or twice in a lifetime? I mean, maybe it would be more likely if I was single or if Steve's family wasn't so close. So then I dunno - I just started feeling gray about the whole thing. Like I belonged with them and yet I won't get to.

It felt very emotional that the little family I grew up with is now complete. At least with adults. I didn't believe it could be completed so well, but there it is. God just doing what God does - being miraculous.

So for all these reasons I ended up walking out of the Sun Valley Airport feeling very small and very much at a loss. Like, it was back to real life. A real life I missed (not having Steve on the trip was difficult - not having Abby made me ache at times but not having both made it easy - ha! how's that for an oxymoron?) and a family to get back to.

No resolution. I wrote a very little on the plane trip and read two novels and paid attention to how these authors write their 'he said, she said' sentences.

I think I have my opening line. Or something near.

So here we go. It's time to get my head back in the game. So, I'm pushing aside the dream world of the trip that is already fading away on it's own and picking up the fantasy world of my book again... just not tonight.

p.s. for those of you curious to know if I used my trusty flexible gross finger trick, I'm sorry to say I did. I just can't seem to be prouder of any other accomplishment in my life as I am of my distended thumb. I think it's because it gets the biggest reaction of any!

p.s.2. Also there was a little guilt factor that I haven't given Abby a sibling. I watch Megan and her siblings interact and it feels like a lot of pain on the part of the parent - i.e. juggling babies - ends up very rewarding for the kids.

Lots to say but where is my blog?

Having technical difficulties here...

Important Retraction

It seems there has been a miscommunication in our Sales Department. Candy Cane Ave. no longer produces scumptious treats in the image of the New Testament Saints. Apparently it is a new and brilliant comic strip that, while still in the design stages, promises to take over the world.

You can't eat it however... so... I'm not sure what the point is.

Looking for Figurines?

Have I found just the place. Just visit www.candycaneave.blogspot.com for the best assortment of Candy Cane figurines - all your favorite Saints made out of delicious holiday fudge or lip-smacking peppermint candy.

Don't miss your chance to own the whole collection now.

MMMmmmmmwah!

Really, I don't even think I need to add anything... Wesley had just woken up from his nap you see...

On the horizon... Life (aka School)

I'll love her forever, I'll like her for always, as long as I'm living, my baby, she'll be.

Shower Surge

Ok, I have a rough outline, a basic arc, and enough conflict to give my character some difficult, yet ultimately fulfilling times.

This is a start. Of possibly years of nothing. Woo hoo.

I am already doubting if i want to do this. But the thing is. The honest thing is - I write little plots and fantasies (get your mind out of the guttter) all the time and I always will. The only difference between writing this and writing what I usually do is this intimidating idea of trying to get it published. Suddenly it takes on different implications when it is intended to go out as some sort of proof of success. Well... Steve would say - don't worry about that now. Writing it has nothing to do with that.

So in answer to my own doubting - there is no reason *not* to keep going with this. I'm going to be writing anyway. I might as well write this.

And if it's never good enough to publish - fine. I will just leave it happily residing next to my Firefly fanfiction which will also never be read by another living soul, but, in contrast, *is* quite brilliant.

UGH! You have got to be kidding me...

This book, "Story Structure Architect" by Victoria Lynn Schmidt has been very helpful as I've said.

Then I get to this VERY academic list of plots - there are only so many you see that we all use and repeat over and over and over.

But for crying out loud it reads like Beowolf.

I hated Beowolf.

ROAD BLOCK.

Must take shower. Find renewed energy. Stop brain from melting.

Two steps forward, one back

So, I've enlisted the only person I know that has similar reading tastes as myself and one of my only truly trusted friends as my 'sounding board' since that is what I need to do this.

Also the book I bought is already helpful. It just helps define everything.

I know my throughline is going to be my character succeeding
I know my genre is contemporary romance
I know my conflicts are going to be relational and internal
I know the turning point for acts 2 and 3
I know that it will be a person that gives my character inspiration and tension in order to keep the second act moving.

and... well... that's all.

Next comes the fun stuff. Acts and how they arc.

So those are the two steps forward.

The one step back is that I just read the working scene I've been playing with for a month and I think it's coming off young and self-promoting. I read another draft with some very different takes and that is going to work better I think.

Of course then I have to cut the chapter up into little bits because an awful lot happens in this scene because my plot was supposed to be stuffed inside the main plot. And now I have to flesh it out and draw it out and... let's see... oh yeah! make it intelligible and exciting.

Love you Forever

Speaking of books. Abby can now sing the song from "Love You Forever' by Robert N. Munsch. I am a little undecided on this book. There are parts of it that make me cry every time. There are parts that are just awkward. There are parts that are sweet. So, you get the idea.

But the song Abby recites is "I love you forever, I like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." She sings it to me and to the measuring spoons she'd swaddled in dish rags. Which is enough to firmly establish the book in my heart ... even with the awkward sneaking of the Mom into the grown man's room. Er Hm. We'll just gloss over that.

Anyway, the reason I bring it up - besides to have a record of another of those cute, sweet, heartrending things Abby does, is because I have a very strong reaction to this book as the mom.

If you haven't read it, I'll tell you that basically the mom sings this song to her son throughout the stages of his lifetime. And as he gets older the mom gets older - until sure enough the mom is dying and the son goes to see her and she can't sing the song anymore so he sings it to her (Except saying 'My mommy, you'll be"). And then he goes home and this is the part that makes me cry every time - he stands at the top of the stairs for a long time. Then he goes into his baby's room and sings her the same song.

My reaction is that the mom starts out young and beautiful with this sweet (and maybe a tad insane) sparkle in her eye. And within four pages as this boy grows into a man - her life goes by.

And yes, I realize quite fully that the job of a mom is the most important and special thing in the world - that is not my problem. I don't feel unappreciated, I don't feel like my life is a waste, I don't feel like no one understands. I just... find it so... sad... that the mom dies and life has to go on.

Like, obviously the boy/man in this book loved his mom and understood how wonderful she was. But at the same time... I guess my issue is that I became a bit too invested in the mom. I think it is a testament to the author that he has the page where the son just pauses. It gives everyone a chance to pause, grieve, etc. But I guess overly- sensitive me needed more time to grieve before he picks up the new baby and I'm supposed to see hope and new beginnings and how the mom's ability to give the son love now enables the man to give his daughter love and etc etc.

But excuse me - that wonderful goofy lady with the sparkle in the eye is dead - the lady that thought the sun and the moon revolved around her child and she's just gone from her child's life. And I'm unhappy about it even if that child is grown.

Perhaps if I knew her other hobbies... her identity besides motherhood... I could wrap my head around her as a well-rounded person. But it's this image of all the millions of things moms do in a child's lifetime - the thousands of diapers and naps and treats and meals and adventures and worry and love and pain and uncertainty and the all-consuming nature of the whole thing. And you do all this with the intent on sending them off to find their own life - I'm just supposed to enjoy the process of loving them through service & affection and be fulfilled by the end result of being left behind!

*snort*

Yes I know - this is why we need to protect the relationship with our spouses - because they are the only ones it's appropriate to expect a commitment of *thereness* from - after all they are the ones that promised to stick around.

And, yes, I know that when it comes time I will be exactly that - fulfilled by this incredible journey that does indeed give me much joy daily.

I'm just... there is just a part of it that is sad.

And, yes, it is an emotional time of the month and an emotional time of life as Abby celebrates a birthday and starts school.

But it sometimes makes me sad even without any of that.

Finally this sounds just about right...

On a random note, I have always wondered whether I am an auditory or visual learner. I had no idea there were quite a few classifications other than those two.

I always assumed I was visual because of my imagination and artistic tendencies. But the more I wondered about it the more that didn't track. I remember landmarks just fine - I just tend to get them switched - like on the wrong side of the street or with a landmark to some other path. But maps only confound me - they literally stress me out. If I am in charge of using it I have to keep my finger on the line we are traveling on and really can't break my concentration on it or will have to start all over.

I never really considered that I was auditory because while I certainly do talk alot and listen alot - lectures in general sound like 'Blah blah blah blah' to me. Someone starts telling me directions - no matter how important - and my eyes start to fog up.

I know I'm nothing to do with logic or math. The only A in school subjects that I never could quite get... and I tried.

Tactile though - I thought that could be an option. Because I love repetition - whether its practicing music or song or menial tasks at work or in art. That is certainly how I learned my piano pieces... by wrote over and over. But I don't really do that by touch.

Hmm. After taking a bunch of surveys it looks like auditory (or a form of it) is the clear winner. Come to think of it, even though I have been reading music since Kindergarten, I picked up a piece ten times faster if I knew what it sounded like. Also I listen to the same song - enjoy the same song many mnay times in a row. AND Steve's talk radio disturbs me so much sometimes because it's just noise - people talking starts to grate on my nerves like rubbing a cat against the direction of theor hair. Evenntually I need bouts of total silence or my brain feels like it's going to over heat.

Everyone is all of them to some extent, I realize, but I just find it interesting. When I went searching and found a basic worksheet where I fit every one of the statements. Totally unhelpful.

Here we go. I am equal parts Solitary and Aural but I don't know what either of those are... (then came social, verbal and low on the list was logic and physical - so low I didn't even bother looking them up)


The aural (auditory-musical-rhythmic) learning style

If you use the aural style, you like to work with sound and music. You have a good sense of pitch and rhythm. You typically can sing, play a musical instrument, or identify the sounds of different instruments. Certain music invokes strong emotions. You notice the music playing in the background of movies, TV shows and other media. You often find yourself humming or tapping a song or jingle, or a theme or jingle pops into your head without prompting.

You may use phrases like these:

That sounds about right.

The solitary (intrapersonal) learning style

If you have a solitary style, you are more private, introspective and independent. You can concentrate well, focusing your thoughts and feelings on your current topic. You are aware of your own thinking, and you may analyze the different ways you think and feel.

You spend time on self-analysis, and often reflect on past events and the way you approached them. You take time to ponder and assess your own accomplishments or challenges. You may keep a journal, diary or personal log to record your personal thoughts and events.

You like to spend time alone. You may have a personal hobby. You prefer traveling or holidaying in remote or places, away from crowds.

You feel that you know yourself. You think independently, and you know your mind. You may have attended self-development workshops, read self-help books or used other methods to develop a deeper understanding of yourself.

You prefer to work on problems by retreating to somewhere quiet and working through possible solutions. You may sometimes spend too much time trying to solve a problem that you could more easily solve by talking to someone.

You like to make plans and set goals. You know your direction in life and work. You prefer to work for yourself, or have thought a lot about it. If you don’t know your current direction in life, you feel a deep sense of dissatisfaction.

Again you are more likely to use phrases that reflect your other dominant styles. Here are some other phrases you may use:

This is what I think or feel about that.


The social (interpersonal) learning style

If you have a strong social style, you communicate well with people, both verbally and non-verbally. People listen to you or come to you for advice, and you are sensitive to their motivations, feelings or moods. You listen well and understand other’s views. You may enjoy mentoring or counseling others.

You typically prefer learning in groups or classes, or you like to spend much one-on-one time with a teacher or an instructor. You heighten your learning by bouncing your thoughts off other people and listening to how they respond. You prefer to work through issues, ideas and problems with a group. You thoroughly enjoy working with a “clicking” or synergistic group of people.

You prefer to stay around after class and talk with others. You prefer social activities, rather than doing your own thing. You typically like games that involve other people, such as card games and board games. The same applies to team sports such as football or soccer, basketball, baseball, volleyball, baseball and hockey.

Here are some other phrases you may use:

Tell me what you are thinking.
Help me understand this.

The verbal (linguistic) learning style

The verbal style involves both the written and spoken word. If you use this style, you find it easy to express yourself, both in writing and verbally. You love reading and writing. You like playing on the meaning or sound of words, such as in tongue twisters, rhymes, limericks and the like. You know the meaning of many words, and regularly make an effort to find the meaning of new words. You use these words, as well as phrases you have picked up recently, when talking to others.

You may use phrases like these:

In other words…

Flurry of Wispy Not Much

Ok, so... I've decided the main problem with doing this book thing on my own. The plot. Before I had one. Now I don't.

Because I won't take hers because I believe she will someday want it; not to mention I just wouldn't do that one because that plot wasn't my passion - but it was easy... it was straightforward. And if there is one thing I am not... it is straight forward so that would have been nice.

I am running around and around in my mind how to build a plot around what I want to build the plot around and it's getting there. It would be nice to have a partner to bounce things off of... but it's also nice not to have a partner tell me how ridiculous all the half-baked thoughts that are running through my head are. This is also what brought me back to the auditory/visual/kinetic learning. I have my best thoughts when talking about it to a partner or by writing to her... and now she doesn't exist. Perhaps I will just write emails to myself.

So I did buy a book because it will help me straighten basics out so I don't torture myself with work formulating a formula that has been formulated for fifty years. Next I need a computer program that helps it all along.

But even without that I'm just letting things stew around in my head until it turns a different color.

And I'm writing scenes, or music videos anyway. ;) As I listen to music in the car I build scenes. When it all works with time frame and the beat, I write it down and it has a built in rhythm.

So yeah. Next stop - plot.

Stepping out

Wasn't there a TV show with 'Steppin' Out' as the main lyrics? What was that show?

Hmm.

Anyway, as expected book idea fell thru. In the most loving and honestly authentic way possible. No hard feelings. Except it is now a challenge and a spur to see if I could do this on my own.

One of the reasons the book idea seemed like such a great idea - almost comfortable was that the idea itself - the idea that is not going to happen - seemed like the kind of idea easy to shop to publishers. At least something a bit different to catch someone's eye - to pitch to someone (yes yes Ephesians rears it's awesome head again - there is nothing new under the sun and I believe that - except our own selves... see GOD can do new things - ha! Take THAT Ephesians... wait... somehow that didn't come out right).

Add to that my would-be partner is a brilliant writer as well as a brilliant technical writer and it would mean two tons less work for me if she was involved - helping to detangle sentences and nix words that don't exist and tone down the dramatic angst that I tend to splurge on when writing.

So that is why there are no hard feelings because it's not that I'm as disappointed about the no partner idea as I am with how it would have 'sold' as a partner thing and there was the laziness factor that I can hardly blame on her.

The issue I have is that I feel like trying to get a novel published is on par with trying to become an actor. It's just... overdone and so unlikely to happen. Everyone secretly thinks if they just did it (wrote that idea or went on that audition) that they would be brilliant at it. Now I'm sure a fair number of people WOULD excel at these things if they went ahead and did it - I am sure there are so many more out there than we think that think this way. But even if they excelled, they may not succeed.

If I tried this I would have to get some instruction - go to one of the writer's conventions or take some classes or something like that. But, Ugh, I just hate that feeling that - it's like just the mere attempt to write a book seems SO pretentious...

Hey - I think someone CALLED me pretentious quite recently... someone who steals churros. Hey - that same person and I were once going to start a churro stand... Years ago. That person's name starts with a D and ends with an E and has an AV in the middle and who's last name rhymes with Bunningham. Look at all the business opportunities I get ditched on! I hang out with teases obviously.

Anyway. I sort of want to do this. So... I'm sort of going to do it.

Totally not directed toward ANYONE

Gosh, Dave C is such a churro lush










*I'm *so* funny.

Adventures with Magic Shell

Magic Shell chocolate coating for ice cream is one of those things I get once a year or so because I pass it in the super market and I think back on the childhood love of it and I just need to have it.

Course I don't love the taste... but... its the power of nostalgia, what can I do?

Well, I just had some today and I have to share what an odd experience with Magic Shell I've had recently.

I first bought it in late last year some time. And it was so cold in my house (wasn't necessarily that cold outside) but it was so cold in my house that everynight the magic shell would freeze in it's container.

I thought that was pretty funny. Steve and I don't have heating at the moment you see.

So when I wanted to use it I had to run it under hot water for five minutes.

Well so now it is hot. And we air conditioning either. But hey - no problem - right?

No. Now it is so hot in my house the magic shell won't freeze on the ice cream because the ice cream melts too fast and the bowl never gets cold.

I really should have added 'Air/Heat' to my list of things I want when Steve gets rich and famous. And then I'll have a talk with the magic shell people. They are obviously snobs for the perfect climate.

So, what have you been up to?

Nothing.... nothing at all. Did I ever have a good answer to that question?

With my brother's wedding and subsequent receptions I've gotten that question a lot recently... and actually not just from people who don't know me or haven't seen me a while. It's a pretty common question I'm noticing.

It's like when you're pregnant - suddenly you take note of all the pregnant women you see. I keep tripping over myself to respond to this question so I'm noticing how often it comes up.

Before Abby I think that I would fall back to talking about work if nothing particularly exciting was going on in my personal life. It's easy when you're engaged or buying a house or pregnant to focus on that major thing as what I am up to. But I remember specifically being thrown by the question when I was pregnant because it was like "I'm making a baby, that's what I'm doing - and it's freaking me out and I am completely focused on it and I can't make it casual conversation." Except I could shift to things like baby colors and food cravings and names.

Now that I'm a stay at home mom though I find it an impossible question to answer. I am at my daughter's beck and call while trying to teach her manners and letters and find stimulating fun things for her to do while also running errands once or twice a day... everyday.

But I don't know how to articulate what I do, what I am up to into acceptable social conversation. I'm not shy or embarrassed by my job. But somedays my job is about cleaning up poop... EVERYWHERE. And some days my job is consumed with fears that she's drinking too much juice or making myself make us food rather than driving to taco bell... even though I only make three things and am not terribly interested in learning a lot more (which then leads me off into the I eat like a freak tangent which isn't terribly flattering of me). But everyday my day is about making my daughter happy and fulfilled and making my husband happy and fulfilled and remembering only God can fill me and keeping myself basically not fat. And this very simple sounding task is highly consuming... all of them. And as surfacy as the 'fat' comment seems - it's a real concern. Because if I'm not happy with myself I am not going to be able to make Steve and Abby feel good and my prayer life even will be devoted to that rather than to more important matters.

Not that Steve is difficult to live with... he's not. But he's difficult to read sometimes. And he's so much the strong, 'just get through it' type that I am sad to say I often forget I haven't done anything in particular that day to make him feel appreciated and respected etc. Maybe I should just tell him - anytime I don't eat when I'm not hungry - its a love note to him. Not that he would want or read a love note if I wrote one.

He did so much for my brother's wedding with such a great attitude - just worked like hired help just to help things go smooth and just because he loves me and my family. But ha! I succeeded in making him feel appreciated in that. My family wanted to give him a gift - gave me a price range - and I suggested the Xbox 360 (the ultimate sacrifice a wife can make - encourage her husband to get the newest/coolest gaming thing - I'm so humble... it's touching). There have not been many times in my ten year relationship with Steve that I have seen him that blown away - that happy.

Hmm. I wonder if that should make me sad. Oh well. I'll feel sad later when I'm not feeling so smug at being able to keep the secret.

SO, yes, back to the question... I think a lot of the time I do have fascinating things going on and it boils down to me forgetting about them, feeling like the person who asked doesn't care enough to bother, feeling like I just don't know how to present it in a cognitive fashion, or feeling like what I'm saying doesn't truly represent what I am doing. I'm emailing a lot - and believe it or not I find that important. Friends aren't easy to keep now a days and I take time to do that. I'm playing around with this one scene that will be in the book San and I write if we ever write it - but as San and I haven't even met since we decided we were going to try it may as well be fanfiction. I could throw in the book my mom and I are making or the cards we're making... but it's not like I'm 'doing' that. We sort of do that. We do that sometimes. We wish we could do it full time but we aren't. It's like saying I'm a massage therapist because I have given Steve massages - or that I've been photographing weddings because I sort of have - but not PROFESSIONALLY... just twice... and only once as the main photographer and that was a Blessing actually not a wedding... and in England...

I'm laughing at myself now because I think that what I am saying is that, the problem is not that I will not answer the question - the problem is that I will, sometimes in great detail... in order for me to answer that question someone would have to put in the time and effort to listen to me waffle around the issue or topic, going in frustrating, nonsensical circles around what I am trying to say. They would have to be prepared that I often contradict myself and have a tendency to lose my train of thought. I also tend to be so concerned with trying to form an answer to this question well that I completely forget to ask them the question - AND since I hate the question I try to phrase it differently and it always ends up sounding stalker like or completely rude. Like "So - did you know it's best to get large underwear because it doesn't pinch the fat on your thighs as much?" or "Oh- have you quit any jobs recently? I know you have a tendency to do that..."

So I really have to practice because I am going to Idaho for Aaron and Megan's Idaho reception and will be around ALL new people and I just know... I just know it's a train wreck waiting to happen. I need to institute a three second rule where I think about my question or answer for three seconds before letting it come out of my mouth. But then I over think and have to blurt something out to cover my complete silence.

This is how bad it is: I have seriously thought - 'Well, if all else fails I can show them how my fingers bend back in the disgustingly eerie way they do.'

I DO sound like a fascinating dinner companion. It's lucky I'm already married. I probably answered the question very easily back when I met Steve. I was probably so good at it that I even remembered to ask him what his life's goals were. And I probably didn't mention poopie diapers once. That's probably what trapped him.

p.s. I am quite aware as Dave reads my blog I am in for an entire weekend of this question phrased innocently and sprinkled in conversation constantly... and watch... I will be so flustered by the question that I won't catch on and will sincerely start answering each time. I suppose that is payback in itself... cuz Dave is too nice to stop me if I start in on a teary explanation of why I am so honestly sad the Croc Hunter died.

Disregarding Ephesians...

Things I'm going to do (in no particular order) when Steve's name carries power.... Not that his name doesn't already strike fear into the hearts of man. But I mean the sort of power that association with him (marriage for example) can get books published.

Get my mom's art published
Get my mom & my art published
Get my photos published
Hire someone to learn how to burn fudge just right
Buy a house with a guest cottage for my mom
Write 'the' book with Sandra
Donate significant funds to IJM/our missionary friends
Buy new shoes
Pay someone to take care of the cat's litter
Get professional artsy pictures of the family (both our little unit and extended)
Get my leg hair lasered off
Bribe Psych show to make little romance thing work/last
Get my dad a dance studio
Get season tickets to EVERYTHING
Share season tickets to EVERYTHING
Whiten my teeth (embarrassing, but true)
Have my hair blown dry every week
Have someone organize my closets
Force Cheerios and Instant Breakfast not to change their formulas ever again


more to come...

*Ephesians Reference: I love Ephesians because I think it is so easy to think: 'Oh if only I had [fill in the blank] I'd be happy. I'd be content.' So I love the reminder that we're human - nothing is ever enough - we toil and worry about things that will pass on to the next generation who can never understand exactly why or how we toiled and then the same thing will happen to them. If we get a house we want a larger one or a nicer one or one in a different neighborhood or with a back yard. If we have children we worry about their manners and development and health and future and salvation. Nothing is ever going to be enough. Contentment comes from Christ and Christ alone. That said... I don't think it's wrong to dream. After all, I believe God has success in store for Steve because I believe He has blessed Steve with talent and has been preparing him for years. Therefore, it's perfectly prudent to prioritize what I'd want to do when it happens. Don't you think?

The Search...

Ok, so I let it pass last week that Wesley and Abby shared the cutest hug on the planet and I didn't have a camera trained on them for it. Some moments are not meant to be stolen I suppose.

But this week... this week I was going to capture that damned moment if it was the last thing I did.

This is not a job for quitters. Or winners for that matter.

And now... the persistant attempts of Mommy to capture a hug on film:







*sigh* maybe next week.

Until then, this moment will tide me over. A kiss from Abby to Wesley. I think actually Wesley is also trying to kiss Abby but his aim isn't quite there yet.

Escapism Goodness

Ok, my obsession count is nearing overload.

Everyone knows about Harry Potter and Chicken Fajitas and Bob's Big Boy's Hot Fudge Cakes and Burnt Fudge and pictures.

And recently Firefly *sigh* (Sorry, I always need a moment after mentioning it), not so commonly known, but a forever love I think.

Monk and Closer are in there ... Certainly not quite at the same level, though I'm intent on making sure TiVo doesn't accidentally not record episodes.

But I've just discovered House and most recently Psych. TV shows if you're not up on your original USA programming.

This sounds like I am a couch potato, but I hardly distinguish the worlds of my books and those on television/movies. I mean, it's all stories, characters, loves, plots, etc. And that is what I crave. I honestly think TV has gotten better, not worse, (at least the TV I'm watching) compared to what I watched as a kid. Anyway, just thought I'd put that in here - that it's not about TV for me. This is what I am like whether it be food, family, TV, books or movies... what I love, I love whole-heartedly and possessively.

House I think will fit nicely with Monk and Closer as something I love to watch (and I don't use the word love loosely here). It is especially smart, I love the wit and Hugh Laurie IS British, what chance did I have?

And Psych was fun at first. The main guy James Roday is funny - one of those actors that is totally comfortable in front of the camera. But the element that changes something from love to obsession... the Mulder/Scully factor if you will... I have recently found in Psych.

Shipping is the common internet term for preferring a 'relationship pairing' in a TV show, book or movie. But I would like to distance myself from the term because from my time in the Harry Potter world it often feels that people 'ship' just for the sake of pairing people up. For example - In the HP world I am a Harry/Ginny shipper... but more than that - that is really the only romantic relationship I am particularly invested in in that series. Hermione/Ron of course is great - but I never felt particularly vehement about them getting together - just that that is where JKR was taking the series.

For example, in Closer, if Brenda and Fritz don't work out, I'll be disappointed because I like them fine, but I won't stop watching - it won't loose any of it's interest to me. And Monk - I'm not attached one way or another if he ever 'finds' someone.

Well, I would have put Psych up there in that same category until this weekend when I saw a crucial episode. See in the pilot they had paired the two real detectives romantically (even though the guy was married or separated). Apparently the female detective didn't test well (I didn't like her at all) so when they went from pilot to series they replaced her. But I actually assumed they replaced the actor - not the character. Therefore I was more than a little put off/confused when I kept spotting those little subtle set ups that writers/directors put in to introduce the idea that someday the lady detective (Juliet) and the main guy (Shawn) might have a thing.

BUT I finally saw the first episode of the SERIES and they introduced her as a totally new character. NOT only that but they introduced her to Shawn in a way that he did not originally know she was with the police and there was chemistry.

I love chemistry. It's one thing for it to come out in a book. The author has ultimate control. Maybe that's why I love and trust and depend on books so much. I know that the author has control - none of their characters are going to strike for a pay raise or get hired away by the promise of their own show/movie.

And it isn't just the risk that an actor can leave/die/get messed up on drugs that makes TV or movie chemistry special. I personally think it's pretty easy to tell if two actors connect at all. Even great actors - I think you can tell the difference between them acting really well and not being able to tell there ISN'T chemistry vs. when there is really something there. So when there IS, it's just really sensational - at least if I like the characters as well as the story. (*disclaimer I do not want all actors and actresses who are in love in a story to love each other romantically - I mean just that they like each other and then the acting takes it somewhere else)

Anyway, it's pretty dangerous to get my heart set on anything here as it's only the first half/season. But, oh, how much would I love for them not to mess it up?

I especially like it actually because as much as I adored Mulder/Scully in my X-Files years - theirs was often a strained relationship. Which was great for that story and that time of my life and you have to keep the audience hooked and all that. But I often point to the night of my first date with Steve as the downfall of my X-files obsession.

I had had a date with another guy about a year previous to Steve and my first date and I thought it was pretty magical at the time. But I remember specifically coming home from that date with Eric and X-Files had taped and I was so much more invested in Scully and Mulder's relationship than I was in whether or not I saw Eric again. AH, but fast forward to the next year with Steve and I actually couldn't focus on the X-files episode I missed that night... I was simply too preoccupied with thoughts of Steve.

Now, does that mean things have cooled between Steve and I because I love these imaginary relationships so much again? Well, sure, in a way. But in a good way. I mean, I could hardly function that first summer. Things have to cool a LITTLE bit. Anyway, that wasn't my point in bringing this up anyway.

My point was that a relationship less strained, more loyal, more lighthearted is what attracts and excites me now. Most likely because that is my relationship with Steve and those are the feelings I want to revisit. Not a whole lot of angst and drama and hopelessness.

Well, there is always a certain amount of hopelessness in these sorts of pairings because a TV show has to keep people interested and as soon as there is resolution people tune out (people, WHY? I just want one of these to work out! Geez, it happens in real life sometimes you know!). But I can't help it. I'm in it now. I am hopeful and smitten and rewatching scenes over and over.


And I love it so much. It makes me happy.
Which is also what eating brownies does for me. But with this outlet I gain less weight.


Hmm. when did Abby get strong enough to open the fridge and what do you suppose she is getting in there?

Jennifer Crusie - a romance author would be my favorite writer currently writing and it makes me realize a little more about this whole thing for me. If I love a book - well that is just great. But I read a book in a night. And even my favorite old- time mystery writers didn't capture me the same way for EVERY book. I think that's what these specifically TV romances do for me. Despite just having it be the visualization of what I imagine in a book - it is also a forced timeline. I have it for months... years maybe.

Which is also why it can be so horribly sad when something goes 'wrong'... I've invested just as much hope in it as I have a book and yet there never is resolution... or worse, there is a half - assed resolution /bitter resolution because the show has fallen out of favor with the network or the actor with the show producers.

It doesn't happen often. Not in books, not in movies, not in TV that I can really sink my mushy hearted teeth (eww not a good image) into the character AND the plot AND a romance. So I guess I should not worry about the future and enjoy the day.

I guess living with Steve has taught me a few things!

Friendship and the Sexes

Abby had a little digestive problem (a little digestive problem that was so bad it was running down her legs) while Wesley was visiting today. And I felt bad for her because she was embarrassed and I felt bad for Wesley because Wesley tried to give her a hug while I was cleaning her up and she wouldn't let him.

Anyway Shannon was trying to get out of the way and they started to leave and Abby started crying in earnest then which, luckily, I knew meant that she wanted to say good bye properly. So I called out to Wesley who came immediately running back and they shared just... the most sincere hug that has ever been hugged by 2 year olds.

You know, everyone has to know, I am not in any way serious when I jest about Wesley and Abby growing up to get married - but can I just say how funny it is to watch female and male so totally clearly illustrated in these two little munchkins. When Abby is emotional (which is often) Wesley doesn't understand and eventually gets frustrated because he doesn't understand and starts to get anxious about her emotion. When Wesley won't follow Abby when she calls, she comes over and tries to take his hand and lead him. And they just genuinely care about the other. I am serious that I hope they remain friends. There won't be any pressure - but... they're good kids... and it would make life convenient for the two sets of parents!



So I love Abby, I love Wesley, I love that I know Abby's signals, I love that she loves her friends and family so very much, and now I must get back to putting a wet washrag on her bottom (i don't love that part as much). The glory of motherhood.