Too Much Information: Canker Sores

Fascinating. I can now pinpoint a twenty minute period of stress last night to giving me a canker sore.

I first noticed the correlation between stress and canker sores for me when we went to Oregon for Steve's Grandma's funeral. I have no idea what made that time/trip so incredibly stressful, but I was freaking out. I developed like four canker sores and could barely open my mouth because of the pain.

Apparently, after that, it just got easy for my body to decide that is where it should get back at me for stressing out. Because the trigger this time was simply worry that I wouldn't have enough time to get Abby ready to go get babysat at Megan & Bryan's and myself ready for the 'Bobby' screening.

And there is this cloud of fear. Our Bible Study was studying Romans 9 and 10? last week and it was the chapter Paul was talking about fairness and who are we to say to God how things should work for our lives. The terminology was who are we are all made by the same Potter with the same clay - who are we to complain if some of us are made as ashtrays and others for art or some such thing. I'm not clear if the main point was the whole predestination/choice thing - i.e. if He knows what people are going to chose not to accept him and therefore go to Hell - why would God bother to let them into the world in the first place - i.e. they really don't have a choice they are going to Hell...

OR if it was more like the whole concept that as Christians the only thing we're promised is salvation - not an easy life.

So... the fear crept in... what if Steve doesn't succeed in this venture? We're already on the cusp. If something doesn't happen early next year, that's it... we don't have any more reserves, we can't take out any more loans.

I know he would do anything to support us. But what is he supposed to do?

When thinking about this, there is no question in my mind (NONE) that this is what he is supposed to be doing with his career. So what the hell is God's plan for us if what he is supposed to be doing doesn't work?

Great things are happening in his partner's career and it wouldn't be a betrayal for him to need to concentrate on what he is doing. There is no indication of that yet, but... we have to be prepared for that.

Since January, when we got hit with all the leaks, we've been just waiting... just feeling like 'ok, it can't get worse than this... nothing else can go wrong... we just need to be patient and faithful and God is just preparing us for great things'

And now... when it feels like we are hugely thankful for our health... but otherwise everything else seems to be at a boiling point.

In every down time God refines us. I know that, I can testify to that. What discourages me is that - what if the refining process is our entire lives? Like Steve having to suffer in a dead job his whole life just so we can get by? (ok considering family stuff that's probably ridiculous - but we don't want someone we love to pass away to be the thing that changes the pendulum swing in our lives!)

And what am I really prepared to do? I've talked about not having a second baby until we're in a more stable place as a precaution. But now, I think I need to be serious about it.

I don't want to go back to work. But I don't want to add to Steve's pressure if that is what it comes down to.

So now it's all up to God. Where do we go from here?

This whole stepping out for Steve's career thing... I can't imagine life before it. I can't believe he suffered in Sales for five... six? years. I don't question the decision. But geez, I'd like a break.

The question becomes was the house a mistake? Uh... well... yet to be determined. I don't want to think about it because it's done.

I don't think it was a totally irresponsible move... I don't think it was. So I don't think it is the lesson God wants me to learn.

So as not to leave God feeling like I'm ungrateful... I am so thankful for:
My beautiful girl and her wonderful personality
For her words (she told me today getting up from the couch was 'unahcemtable')
For how well she's doing potty training. We're there at home... it's just outside that is hard.
For the lack of drama in our families right now
For Steve being honest about his worries
For this amazing house
For the weather not turning freezing yet
For operation learn how to love cat again working great
For MS giving me maid service every other week
For our health
For our marriage
For our friends
For our families
For loving us even though we are down because we don't see the whole picture
For chocolate shakes
For Scrubs because it makes us laugh
For our Godson Wesley because Abby suggests we go see him every other day
For our Goddaughter Julia because she is giving Abby ideas (tonight she pointed to my tummy and asked "Is there anyone in there yet?" I said "Nope, not yet." And she asked "What will her name be when she's in there?" and I said "I don't know." and Abby said, "I think her name is Julia.")
For my mom always willing to be there and always willing to clean a garage
For friends who make me laugh
For the canker sore wash that really works
For romance on tv