So, what have you been up to?

Nothing.... nothing at all. Did I ever have a good answer to that question?

With my brother's wedding and subsequent receptions I've gotten that question a lot recently... and actually not just from people who don't know me or haven't seen me a while. It's a pretty common question I'm noticing.

It's like when you're pregnant - suddenly you take note of all the pregnant women you see. I keep tripping over myself to respond to this question so I'm noticing how often it comes up.

Before Abby I think that I would fall back to talking about work if nothing particularly exciting was going on in my personal life. It's easy when you're engaged or buying a house or pregnant to focus on that major thing as what I am up to. But I remember specifically being thrown by the question when I was pregnant because it was like "I'm making a baby, that's what I'm doing - and it's freaking me out and I am completely focused on it and I can't make it casual conversation." Except I could shift to things like baby colors and food cravings and names.

Now that I'm a stay at home mom though I find it an impossible question to answer. I am at my daughter's beck and call while trying to teach her manners and letters and find stimulating fun things for her to do while also running errands once or twice a day... everyday.

But I don't know how to articulate what I do, what I am up to into acceptable social conversation. I'm not shy or embarrassed by my job. But somedays my job is about cleaning up poop... EVERYWHERE. And some days my job is consumed with fears that she's drinking too much juice or making myself make us food rather than driving to taco bell... even though I only make three things and am not terribly interested in learning a lot more (which then leads me off into the I eat like a freak tangent which isn't terribly flattering of me). But everyday my day is about making my daughter happy and fulfilled and making my husband happy and fulfilled and remembering only God can fill me and keeping myself basically not fat. And this very simple sounding task is highly consuming... all of them. And as surfacy as the 'fat' comment seems - it's a real concern. Because if I'm not happy with myself I am not going to be able to make Steve and Abby feel good and my prayer life even will be devoted to that rather than to more important matters.

Not that Steve is difficult to live with... he's not. But he's difficult to read sometimes. And he's so much the strong, 'just get through it' type that I am sad to say I often forget I haven't done anything in particular that day to make him feel appreciated and respected etc. Maybe I should just tell him - anytime I don't eat when I'm not hungry - its a love note to him. Not that he would want or read a love note if I wrote one.

He did so much for my brother's wedding with such a great attitude - just worked like hired help just to help things go smooth and just because he loves me and my family. But ha! I succeeded in making him feel appreciated in that. My family wanted to give him a gift - gave me a price range - and I suggested the Xbox 360 (the ultimate sacrifice a wife can make - encourage her husband to get the newest/coolest gaming thing - I'm so humble... it's touching). There have not been many times in my ten year relationship with Steve that I have seen him that blown away - that happy.

Hmm. I wonder if that should make me sad. Oh well. I'll feel sad later when I'm not feeling so smug at being able to keep the secret.

SO, yes, back to the question... I think a lot of the time I do have fascinating things going on and it boils down to me forgetting about them, feeling like the person who asked doesn't care enough to bother, feeling like I just don't know how to present it in a cognitive fashion, or feeling like what I'm saying doesn't truly represent what I am doing. I'm emailing a lot - and believe it or not I find that important. Friends aren't easy to keep now a days and I take time to do that. I'm playing around with this one scene that will be in the book San and I write if we ever write it - but as San and I haven't even met since we decided we were going to try it may as well be fanfiction. I could throw in the book my mom and I are making or the cards we're making... but it's not like I'm 'doing' that. We sort of do that. We do that sometimes. We wish we could do it full time but we aren't. It's like saying I'm a massage therapist because I have given Steve massages - or that I've been photographing weddings because I sort of have - but not PROFESSIONALLY... just twice... and only once as the main photographer and that was a Blessing actually not a wedding... and in England...

I'm laughing at myself now because I think that what I am saying is that, the problem is not that I will not answer the question - the problem is that I will, sometimes in great detail... in order for me to answer that question someone would have to put in the time and effort to listen to me waffle around the issue or topic, going in frustrating, nonsensical circles around what I am trying to say. They would have to be prepared that I often contradict myself and have a tendency to lose my train of thought. I also tend to be so concerned with trying to form an answer to this question well that I completely forget to ask them the question - AND since I hate the question I try to phrase it differently and it always ends up sounding stalker like or completely rude. Like "So - did you know it's best to get large underwear because it doesn't pinch the fat on your thighs as much?" or "Oh- have you quit any jobs recently? I know you have a tendency to do that..."

So I really have to practice because I am going to Idaho for Aaron and Megan's Idaho reception and will be around ALL new people and I just know... I just know it's a train wreck waiting to happen. I need to institute a three second rule where I think about my question or answer for three seconds before letting it come out of my mouth. But then I over think and have to blurt something out to cover my complete silence.

This is how bad it is: I have seriously thought - 'Well, if all else fails I can show them how my fingers bend back in the disgustingly eerie way they do.'

I DO sound like a fascinating dinner companion. It's lucky I'm already married. I probably answered the question very easily back when I met Steve. I was probably so good at it that I even remembered to ask him what his life's goals were. And I probably didn't mention poopie diapers once. That's probably what trapped him.

p.s. I am quite aware as Dave reads my blog I am in for an entire weekend of this question phrased innocently and sprinkled in conversation constantly... and watch... I will be so flustered by the question that I won't catch on and will sincerely start answering each time. I suppose that is payback in itself... cuz Dave is too nice to stop me if I start in on a teary explanation of why I am so honestly sad the Croc Hunter died.