Jealous Hag

Now I've got your attention.

Why do I get sad when I look at other photographer's work? If I don't like their work, it annoys me, but more often, I do like their work and I want it ... I want to do that... I want to, I want to, I want to.

But not now.

But YES now.

The stumbling blocks for me right now range greatly from internal struggles to simple circumstance.

I think I've mentioned this before, so it should come as no great shock to you that as a kid - my goals, my vision for my life had virtually nothing to do with a vocation. I wanted love - family, husband, kids, house... I knew that I couldn't exactly go after those things in the same way one might a career, knew that the love/husband/kids part in particular was going to have to be flexible since I didn't just want to BE a wife - I wanted the sort of love story I read about - which, if any of you know the sort of books I read - you should know has a lot more to do with humor and connection than fancy romance. SO obviously I didn't go around advertising all this, and I did want to "do" something that I enjoyed or was good at or whatever... so it's not like I was on the prowl for husband material... but I certainly wasn't wasting time with anyone that didn't fit the bill... not for long anyway.

I wasn't planning on wasting away if I didn't find these things - oh you get the picture, I don't need to be defensive about it, right? I wasn't crazy about what I wanted - but when I envisioned my life back then, the HERE and the NOW was absolute success.

So here I am just where I wanted to be - realizing that being a wife and a mom are vocations that I certainly adore, but have... lets see... sides to them that I am not ... NATURALLY inclined to. The housekeeping side. If I am focused on that - then yes, I'll pass at it. But the more I'm focusing on photography the worse the housekeeping is getting.

That's beside the point (and hey - my "no dish crusted" rule is at like 90% success rate right now - that's pretty dang good in comparison to where I was).

So, except for failing at some housekeeping duties, I am exactly where I want to be - with family in every definition so much more than my little childhood brain could have dreamed up.

It's the side jobs of mom and wife that I didn't understand as a kid (how could picking up my crumbs possibly translate as love for mom?! I thought to myself...)... that have me feeling a bit on the incomplete/uninspired side. It's the managing the day sort of stuff I don't love... managing the education, managing this and that and the other thing.

The parts I do love are exactly the parts that I thought I'd love. OOOO those cute faces Abby makes and how she talks with that tone, OOOOOO those kissable cheeks Jack has and the chatter he tries. (and yes Ooooo how nice it is to have Steve to cuddle with when there's ever time to cuddle).

And up crops this photography thing. And oh how it adds to my day in a way doing the laundry does not.

Snort, yes I know I still have to do the laundry - please do not regale me with the necessities and hidden joys of organization and housekeeping. I do get it, believe it or not - I have done the happy dance over getting chores done, I have sighed with relief, cheered and pat myself on the back for doing the things I need to do just to keep the house in general order. I understand how wonderful and fulfilling being a better housekeeper could be.

But it's not inspiring and addicting and fascinating and exciting and fun and frustrating like painting, drawing, or clicking that camera button. And painting and drawing are just plain too time intensive, crawl-paced for me right now.

So what have I established so far that I meant to establish in this post?

Part One: I am happy with where and who I am.
Part Two: I find photography the perfect creative outlet for the here and who and now that I am.

So what's the problem?

Part Three: I want more, but... (not to be read I want more butt- I have plenty of butt, thank you very much)

The circumstances:
Some of these photographers just plain live in different places that I don't have access to. Or worlds I'm not a part of. Midwest or Eurpopean or whatever - and no, it STILL doesn't make me want to travel, it just makes me want to figure out my niche here... and find horses here and find street scenes here and you get the idea... I want to manufacture what they have when they walk out of the door. Bad idea, I know.
In actuality, the nitty gritty time can be achieved. I have a schedule worked out with my ever-patient mother that I could use for photography shoots. They are mostly set aside for actual paying client shoots however, not 'just for the art of it' shoots... and even if they were...

The internal struggle: One blog I found The Sartorialist made me desperately want to go around town and ask random strangers to stand there a second to pose for the camera. The very idea has me shaking in my boots. I can be an extrovert like person. I really can. Obviously -you've probably all seen me obnoxiously extroverted at one time or another, so you know that. And sure, maybe if I had a little crew following me around making me look legit I probably wouldn't have a hard time doing that kind of thing. But just me... I freeze up just thinking about asking the people that I'd actually WANT to shoot to turn around and look at the pretty birdie.

It's sort of like - what show was that - I think an Oprah psychologist said that mostly we are attracted to people that we consider way out of our league and we marry people we are more comfortable around. I happen to have hit the jack-pot with Steve in that sense - I still think he's way out of my league. But with photography subjects, I can see that happening. Like I can tell who I would feel comfortable asking on the street - but they wouldn't necessarily be who I really really wanted to ask that day.

Part Four: Why the rush?
I've mentioned this before too - but I feel this weird... feeling that I'm in a rush all the time now. With photography more than anything else. Like, impending... something.
Anyway, I think it messes with my photography. Instead of enjoying and savoring I'm... trying to catch up with my momentum or something weird like that.
I think our vacation is going to help this, because I'm going to try to be intentional about it. I have a bunch of captive models in a gorgeous location and all the time in the world. I'm excited to see what I can catch.