Old Pictures, Old Memories, Old News

Like sands through the hourglass so are the days of my life... running through my mind during my scrap-booking revival. And I am coming to a rather disappointing self-realization.

Steve is right.

Isn't it the WIFE who is always supposed to be right? This is very annoying.

With most every page of pictures I organize, memories of stress come back to me. I can't blame parenthood because I was in the same generally agitated state pre-child as I was post - I was just worrying about different things. I can't figure out what I was so worried about pre- child but the vibes were there all right. Before we got married the stress was about our relationship, before I was in a relationship the stress was about wanting to be (or maybe I was a completely content person pre-relationship!), before I had Abby the stress was about... the future I guess, before I got pregnant the second time the stress was about Abby - social, physical, everything.

Always something wrong... which is one of my least favorite characteristics of a person. Those people who always have something wrong (don't get paranoid anyone, I'm not talking about you!). Before I became pregnant this year I feel like I was just starting to get above that tendency. But prior to that (years prior) it was lack of sleep because Abby was waking up, prior to that it was pregnancy again, prior to that it was my back acting up, prior to that it was food, prior to that...

Hmm, I just thought of a defense for myself. Most of the scrapbook pages that give me this vibe are event pages. HA! Take that! No seriously, that helps because I don't *feel* like an anxious person, but I definitely am one... but I'm also very *chill*... I just have to be in my element... or my cave. My element doesn't have to be my cave, but I'm only totally comfortable in one or the other.

For example, a social event (pre-Abby) used to be stressful because... I mean, I can hardly remember, but I think it centered around expectations of what I wanted couplehood to be like. It was all about wanting 'us' to be the way I expected married people to be.

A social event post-Abby was stressful because of timing when she was little (nursing, sleeping, babysitting) or conduct when she got older (polite, socialized, safe). But this new parental stress completely pushed the old stress out. Pre-2nd-pregnancy a social event was a breeze if Abby was taken care of.

So, starting at the most challenging time possible (adding a baby to the picture), I want to be less anxious... at events... I also want to sleep.... so.... very... much.

edited to add: How odd, Oprah was all about ... well not this, but it sort of works. And the whole idea of finding joy, choosing well, etc. And how I have definitely sabotaged myself is by watching tv etc before bed... So... trying not to do that...

edited AGAIN to add: I slept! From like 1am-7:30am - it's incredib