Beauty

*warning, parental learning curve in progress

Respecting Abby's opinions and preferences means sometimes reacting to her creative clothing choices with humor and pride rather than criticism. If she is not allowed not only to express herself, but to make choices that are not ridiculed, what motivation will she have to do all this on her own?

For school, she is definitely allowed to pick whatever she wants... though I do admit to curbing her from fancy dresses when she does not feel too strongly about it. And generally I really do enjoy Abby's clothing concoctions. And generally a lot of the outfits she chooses do match.

For some occasions, however, I feel there is a need to insert a counter-balance to this freedom. After all, she will eventually be able to look back and decide that she would have rather had some pictures with her looking 'put together' than had perfect freedom all the time. SO there are days when we are going to be taking pictures and I want her to wear something I like (I know, purely selfish stop judging me). Or there are days we are meeting people or will be in a particularly public forum that I think it's appropriate to match. Or there are weather issues.

Today we ran into all three.

Abby both wanted to wear her black polka dot pants and her blue sundress to a play. Granted, I had given the option of the sundress because I was causing trouble in the first place by wanting her to change out of what she was already wearing - but obviously going to bring a sweater as well. I had given her a choice between two dresses that I knew she liked and so knew I was opening the door for an odd outfit. I was okay with it because while it obviously didn't match - there is a charm to that ("Oh, how cute they let that little girl dress herself") and because I still had hope that I could get the polka dot pants off of her if she was happy with the dress. I was just going to bring the sweater with us, however it was misty and cold and Daddy really didn't want her going out without it.

Abby had several objections to the sweater. First and foremost she felt that the sweater inhibited her ability to achieve adequate dress twirl. There was some truth to this, however the law had been laid down and there would be no taking the sweater off. Especially since, now that she had stated her abhorrence for the sweater I knew she would be consistently unhappy (dare I say defiant) with said sweater all day long... therefore I wasn't going to cave and let her take the sweater off now with, "Okay, but you have to put it on when we get out of the car." Because it wouldn't have happened and I would have lost some leverage and any ability to resolve the situation in ANY other way but by forcing the sweater to which she at this point already felt morally opposed to.

I took her outside in the cold to discuss the weather and why we needed sleeves and to distract her. This worked quite well. There is a moment etched into my memory where - right when I led her outside she stalked to a corner, crossed her arms over her chest and pouted profusely. It was right out of a picture. Anyhoo, I didn't make a big deal of it, just played with her a little bit until she was talking again and we talked about the weather etc. I thought we'd come to terms with the sweater when I caught her trying to rip it off.

I told her she had a choice - she could change into a long sleeve dress or keep the sweater on. She chose to change. We rushed back into the house (our ride was very close to getting there) but we ran into trouble again because she didn't want to wear any of the long sleeve dresses she owned and didn't know what to wear (panic starting to show around the edges of her at this point). I told her she had to choose one or the other or she'd have to stay at home (in a matter of fact way, not in an angry way).

This started the tears. She wanted to go to the play and she wanted to go to the play with me. So here we have complicated the situation by adding pure emotion into the mix. It's not just about the clothes now, now it's about being left behind and missing out. I knew this, but I do feel that it was what she needed to understand because we were now running late and if we were late everyone else was going to be.

Zoozie arrived with a bag full of brand new clothes - none of which Abby was interested in at that moment of emotional turmoil, but it was also the spurring that we really had to go now. So, knowing that she wasn't just being difficult, but that she was now so distracted by the emotion of the possibility of being left behind she couldn't think clearly, I didn't insist she get herself under control, I just told her we needed to go. I grabbed a long sleeve dress from the new bag and told Abby we would decide in the car (a new solution that had just come to me).
This would hopefully alleviate her stress about being left behind and bring it all down to the sweater choice again. My threat was not made empty - If we got to the theatre and she still refused the sweater or the change I would have let the grandmas go into the play and waited for Abby to make an acceptable choice. Bonus of this plan was that she was not in a lose lose situation - keep the sweater on was a lose to Abby even if she got into the play and not getting to see the play was also a lose. Bringing the change of clothes gave her a way to win-win (not wear the sweater and yet still get to see the play). I also figured - (as I said) that this solution took away the worst of the desertion feelings but kept the concept that we do have to dress appropriately or we miss out AND it's much more tempting being right outside the building to make a choice that gains access to said building (rather than the more abstract 'if you don't do this you can't go' which involves a good twenty minute drive between choice and reward).

She is still crying as we walk down the stairs and to the car, but it's the sad, 'I'm not fixed' cry not the tantrum cry and she is walking on her own accord and holding my hand.

We hit one more roadblock as we get to the car and she doesn't want to get in the car seat. I am mentally preparing myself that I may actually have to have her stay back because this is just not okay behavior when she is finally able to put her feelings into words, "But, Momma, I want you to always be with me."

*pause for Momma's heart to break in two*

"I will, Baby, I'm going to sit right next to you in the car and we can talk about this, unless you want to make the choice right now, but it has to be quick..."

That said, the issue again became the sweater and only the sweater and I gave her the choice again, sweater or new dress. She picked new dress and in about twenty seconds flat I had her in the new dress (with the polka dot pants still) and up into the seat she went. There were a few moments for the snuffles to quiet but she was content and resolved, I was happy, content and resolved, and we were not late... the play was late... but we were not.



It's always this balance... respect her wants, but socialize her as well. And sometimes the lines are grayer than others but I think the pre-school has affirmed in me this idea of not needing to be a commando parent unless it's very very important. Empty threats are obviously bad, but figuring out or realizing something that will make both of us happy half way through an episode isn't empty - it teaches her that I'm listening and really trying to respect her without compromising what I'm telling her is important. I'm not caving because she is arguing or crying or otherwise manipulating me. I am simply responding to her if she is being respectful - taking into account her thoughts and opinions. Can it go too far? Absolutely. Balance. Balance and vigilance. I'm not just going to make these decisions about how free I am going to let her be and then not pay attention to how it's working until she's thirteen. I constantly re-assess, re-evaulate and change accordingly.



It's a conversation - this living your life with other people thing. It's easy to see in Abby how she grows and changes and therefore the parental response needs to grow and change to accommodate. It's less easy to see in my spouse, my friends, my family - but it's still happening... so this is a good reminder for me to stop and listen, re-evaluate - pay attention, and respond with a change if necessarily.

BUT one thing I know for sure. Keeping my mind open to flexible solutions makes for a happier everyone at the moment, during the rest of the day, and maybe even plants the idea in Abby's head that she actually has some power to take a difficult situation and make it work through communication (both listening and speaking out) rather than forever being the passive victim of some obstacle thrown in her path by parent, peer, or circumstance.

What a rant. What do you expect? I'm sleep deprived.

Pictures of my beautiful little resolver: