For the sake of Posterity and Divination

I've been looking through my Nov/Dec 2007 blog posts to see how I was handling pregnancy last time around.

If there is any comparison to be made, Nov 13, 2007 (3.5 weeks away from Jack's birth) I said "my bones are aching" by which I meant those bones. And tonight I got up after feeling faint and twitchy during church service to the same feeling, ("oowwww"). This was before I went looking back at posts, so it's not like a mind game.

Apparently last time I was sleeping already again. Bah, that's not true here.

Last time I think, because I was so sure it would be my second and last time having to go through pregnancy I think I was actually less uncomfortable but more impatient.

This time, I feel... funnily responsible for not being as impatient because I feel responsible for not being responsible enough in unintentionally getting pregnant. Like, I made my bed... sort of feelings. Even though of course the intentional pregnancy you'd think would have made me feel more like that - but it didn't.

I'm also feeling this time... when I imagine those hours directly after delivering the baby when I get to hold him and fuss with his fingers and toes, I feel very lucky - very bonus. Like I really wouldn't have chosen to do this and yet I get it anyway. It's like I made a decision that I don't have to live with ... the baby - yes, the baby I have to live with - but that's fun.

I've been calling him the bonus baby and it really does feel like that. I definitely (obviously) do not associate any of the frustration/unhappiness of pregnancy with the baby. Ha. Maybe that's why I don't enjoy pregnancy - it's just a process to get the baby in my arms, not the joyous fulfilling of making baby that it could be... for some wacky women out there.

Let's see.... I'm uncomfortable - can't sit or stand or lie down with any ease or comfort. I have NEW stretch marks. I'm not a big person to get upset about stretch marks, but it does feel like a bit of a battle scar when the THIRD baby forces one right across the middle of the baby bump. OH and my ankles have swelled up to cankle size. This is new. This didn't happen the other times... but I've gained ten more pounds already so ... oh geez that sounds awful. Oh well, I'm ignoring it. Doing my best, but ignoring the success or failure. Just like I would preach to the friends and family who do this long after this is a hazy memory. See? Future people? I DO know how hard it is, I do feel your pain, and I also really do know that it's fleeting.... and not worth getting too depressed about.

Mostly.