Well, after 800 plus posts here and several hundred on Abby/Jack... I'm starting to run dry. I'm starting to feel like I'm not interacting with anyone at all anymore. It's not true - I have several people I hang out with, but I haven't felt -
Hmm. Maybe it's a problem with where I'm at once again.
I go through these phases where I just feel distant. So even if we're talking one on one, it's such a struggle for me to keep up a conversation, to decide what I want to say and why. I don't think I'm trying to impress anyone or to even interest anyone much (can you tell?)... it's not like I'm sitting there thinking, "Oh I really want to say the right thing." It's more like I'm sitting there thinking, "*crickets chirping*Uhhhhh...*insert empty stare here*" then, because I still care very much about the people I'm speaking to even if I've lost the ability to talk like a person myself, I try to dredge up whatever I can think of, but it does feel like it's such an effort.
I think I know what I want to do to kind of get back in tune with my self, but I'm procrastinating because it feels like I won't end up being able to do it - i.e. Steve's work or church meetings will kick up and I hate starting something and not being 100% - and if I have to skip a week... or two... I'll never engage. That's who I am, I am SLOW TO ENGAGE.
Maybe that's why I'm drawing such a blank during meet-ups... because I have such a little slot and whatever sharing or listening I'm going to be doing has to be done in that slot so PERFORM!!!
Anyway, point being - if I don't engage in what I want to be doing (i.e. either yoga or pilates AT a a studio where they will guide my mind and I don't have to be half listening for Jack or moving the furniture back and forth every night) I won't get anything out of it. I think that once started, it won't be a big thing to be doing the excercises at home - it will actually be relaxing and nice. But I need that refocusing first and that's what I'm procrastinating starting. Because... and I'm being redundant... but really seriously... the problem is, I want to start and really start. I don't want to start and stutter along. For some reason I don't like the message that sends to the strangers at these places.
No, hear me out, silly as that sounds, I'm serious. Because I think it sends a flaky message, a "i'm only half here" message - and I want them to be focused and all there - so I find it disrespectful to not be the same.
Yes I read the article about twittering taking over. And while I like all you twitterers and find it a cool and less pretentious than bloggin way to keep up in that constant stream of consciousness way - it's just as distant as this is. It's just shorter.
Eh.
Just got to make something happen.
120: Yellow
3 months ago
2 comments:
Ok. A little more elaboration here. But still some left out. Just curious.
I totally get it....well as well as I can get it without actually being you and feeling it.
For what it's worth, I agree about the starting and stuttering vs. going 100% thing. I feel exactly the same way. Which is why I've intentionally not started anything at all during this time but am looking forward to being done DONE and able to commit to a certain number of days a week, etc.
As far as going dry is concerned, I have to say I don't necessarily feel it on this end of things. Just keep on telling us what's going on....I find that interesting. You'll get back into it, I'm pretty sure. Don't worry, you will engage again. I think it is just one of those ebb and flow of life things.
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