2008 - there it went...

I never caught up to 2008 and now it's essentially gone for good.

Jack did almost everything he's ever done in life in 2008 - that was pretty exciting. I always think it's amazing how much babies get accomplished in just one short year.

Abby took her role in the family by the horns and somewhere in there blossomed in it. When I was looking through the ghost thumbnails of the last year, one thing very clear is that no matter what else was happening, Abby was, without fail, a doting big sister the ENTIRE time. I have picture after picture after picture of Abby proudly holding Jack, laughing as he's squirming or lunging from her arms, just plain adoring him - choosing to ignore the camera. I'm so proud of who she is all on her own... but she just out-glows herself when I think about how she makes Jack feel. He, of course, thinks the sun rises and sets by her whim, but, because she's been so loving to him, he thinks the coolest kid in the world finds HIM the coolest kid in the world - and there is no other feeling like that.

Steve seems to have come into his own in this business of his. But he's a born leader with Personality, integrity, and a cute smile, what else can he do but succeed?

I've turned into a photography madwoman. Which has been awesome. I've not enjoyed some parts to it, and still don't exactly know what the plan is, but it's a captivating passion which isn't anything to sneeze at. I'm constantly wishing I could do more, push further, but my hermit ways are a good balancer since I do, after all, still have a young family to take care of.

My mom moved into town and I think I proved that the crux of the arrangement will be her getting any time at all to herself, not (as she was concerned about) that I would get sick of having her in town. HA.

Seriously, that deserves a moment.

Ha!

My dad has found a new passion for good things, it felt new and un-tested at the end of last year, but now I think it is very cool he's involved with what he's involved with.

And the rest...

It's just been a good year. A chaotic year. I, of course, can't remember the year before except for the pregnancy and I sort of feel like that was where that feeling of "I can't do this" started. Where it really truly feels like this chaos is not of my making. The photography sessions - yeah that's all me. But the ... I don't know... it's just felt totally unmanageable without outside help and that's where my mom's chaotic year comes in. A baby just disrupts one's world I suppose.

I get this sick sort of feeling like it's not going to go away (this feeling) and everyone is going to resent my weakness. But you know, I could BE a hermit when I only had Abby - there were no other obligations beyond family. It's the juggling that's so hard - I hope. And as Jack flourishes into toddlerhood and beyond, there will be more freedom than now. Less chaos... right? Mostly?

I get that sometimes it gets worse - but this year it has just felt like every single week theres a mini-disaster to work through. And my mom doesn't believe me that it hasn't 'always been like this. It CAN'T have been.

Right, so what was I talking about?

Farewell 2008, I hardly knew thee.

A New Low

You know about my "special" eating preferences, I know you do, I know you all get together and talk about it and laugh at me.

Well, my mom made me burnt fudge (as usual) for Christmas... but MORE than normal since she's retired and poor now.

So I put it in the freezer so I wouldn't be tempted to eat it all at once. Well, I've taken some out of the freezer and... yeah, you guessed it. I now prefer frozen burned fudge.

Hat Etiquette

Okay people. I bought this hat today. I like hats. But I don't understand when I can wear them. I.E. if I'm not outside in the snow - when do I wear this hat? Could I wear it INDOORS to like a casual dinner? Or is it only for people who go strolling down park paths?

And don't be mean if you see me wearing it - yes obviously I'll be self conscious - pointing out that I am won't help, it will just earn you a dirty look.

Similarities

My Dad's parents ... I'm not sure, but I see myself in both of them... and Jack though... I really see Jack in the groom.

So, Not To Ruffle Anyone's Feathers

But you know I can see what you all order when you order prints from me and I have to tell you it is extremely satisfying when your favorites are my favorites.

I find some of your choices odd, but I try not to be judgmental... sorta.

What Day is It?

Okay, there is ONE positive about being on vacation from school... we don't have to go anywhere or do anything. The hermit crab's dream.

Some Recovery

As you all know I lost my hard drive a couple months back - my external terabyte hard drive that I had spent long long long hours compiling everything we had of everything and putting it "safely" on the drive. The Apple people have since told me that this kind of drive has no "head protection" and... considering I didn't just knock it over while it was working, I drop kicked it - that sort of drive is probably a bad idea for me.

Anyway, I haven't dwelt much on the whole thing because on the one hand, it's okay. My best pictures and most important pictures are on snapfish or printed out... I think anyway. And on the other hand, it's just too painful to think about what I lost - especially since I'm not totally sure. It's not as if I have a catalog of what was on there compared to what I have elsewhere.

Mainly what I'm pretty sure I've lost are the not quite top pictures - the ones that I didn't post on the blog because another was a bit better or the ones that didn't flatter Jack or something like that - where now I'd like them very much just for their historical significance.

On the whole, I've been fine about it, but have lost a spark somehow. I'm apathetic about backing up the recommended three places. It all seems pointless as I've already lost everything once.

Taunting me have been the ghosts of all these lost images in iPhoto because I never rebuild my thumbnail cache and even when I do it doesn't seem to do what I think its supposed to do.

Anyway, I finally thought to screen-cap the ghosts and it's like a little ray of sunshine. At least I have all the still images -ridiculously small or not... that I lost. I just won't think of the videos.

Twas the Night After Christmas

When all thru the house, everyone is weary, even the baby Jack. Abby is cuddling with Gramma with care and Adrea is still in her Christmas pjs from the morning before.

I already feel smug. I've broken down the Christmas boxes - those are usually the bane of my existence around this time because packages have come and usually been filled randomly through the days before Christmas with non-perishable and perishable alike. This time, we were almost tidy!

Jack proved again that he will not. Will NOT sleep when there are people around. It's not even like he's an Abby and interacts with everyone - there's just something about the energy of other people that gets him excited.

Christmas Eve we did something a little insane. We wanted a cohesive grandkids picture - i.e. same type - i.e. Picture People since we've done it every year that there have been more than one grandchild in the picture (no pun intended), but Sarah and I were just having trouble getting our butts to the mall considering neither of us needed to go there for shopping purposes, so, with resigned desperation I called December 22 to find the only available appointments left were on Christmas Eve... at 8:30 am. Oh yeah (I said in imitation of Kronk), we'll take it.

So, the holiday started off hectic. But all went well and how they got some with Jack not screaming I do not know. Abby looked... all gangly and beautiful. When she got gangly I don't know.

We headed off to Gramma's house for my side of the family Christmas. Which was very nice. Abby was overwhelmed in the glory of her presents, Jack was "ooOoooooooo" with all the cars, I am beyond happy smothered in new camera equipment, inspiration for photos via a book I wanted, and fudge - enough fudge to overdose on fudge - which is of course impossible... but you know - if the ambulance driver's ask what happened to me - it was lack of fudge willpower.

Anyway - from there we went to MarySue and David's annual Christmas Eve dinner which was also very nice. We played, we feasted, I tried to live in the moment and not just concentrate on the fudge waiting for me at home. No, really... it was VERY cool.



The kids finally crashed at home - both would probably gone on another two hours if we'd let them. Jack slept so long without a peep Steve and I were both checking on his breathing in the morning.

Christmas morning at my house was simple and wonderful. I again, made out like a bandit with a FLASH (oh - you all need to be scared now) and a ruggedized hard drive (i wonder why).
I don't think we put anything in Jack's stocking last year... except his pjs...

Now he's a walking mumbling crazy kid.
Abby's fondness for magazines led her to discover "my twin doll" and wanted one for Christmas even if that is all she got from us. Gramma made matching outfits for Abby and the doll and another doll... it was a bonanza of happiness for my dressing up loving girl.
Isn't she cute in the morning?

Abby had picked presents for ALL of her family all by herself with Gramma and was very proud of her choices.

Steve got the least since I actually ABIDED by our agreement to only get stocking stuffers (he said if the drive and the flash were not in their boxes they would have fit in my stocking... I said I think he missed the point)... but he's resiliant... and he has a happy wife which has to count for something.

As always Christmas morning at MarySue and David's is a wonderland for Christmas morning since the stockings are always the main event - and MAN can they do stockings.

Abby surveying with satisfaction her loot
Jack just happy to be running around in the chaos
Can you see the joy?
Grandpa gave her a gorgeous necklace with a sparkly "A" on it stuffed in a teddy bear... watch out, you might start a tradition!
Jack proved he is Steve's flesh and blood by stealing half of Steve's sticky cinnamin bun provision.
Samantha was excited!
David was thoughtful
Caiah was...
happy I think ;)
Jack went around stealing everyone else's sticky buns after finishing off Steve's...


On the way to my Dad's Abby announced she was going to take a long rest for the duration of the trip and prompty did this:

We got to spend some time, just sit down time there before heading off to my Dad's Christmas event. Which was, totally nice. No pictures. My little camera was out of batteries and I didn't want to test my flash on unsuspecting relatives.

It rained most of the day, which was sort of nice to have a cuddly sort of Christmas. And it was especially nice that the rain subsided for our drive to Camarillo.

All is well my friends...
Merry Christmas and Goodnight

Uncle Jack?

Doesn't this look look like Aaron? Or am I just making things up? The thing is - Jack looks NOTHING like Aaron's baby pictures. So maybe we all just look exactly the same, me, steve, aaron, jack, abby... it's a bit whirlpool of genes....

It's Finally Happened...

I've finally been that mom - running from bathroom to bathroom as her entire family vomits all over the place.

Looks like food poisoning as no one had fevers and it all went down at the same exact time and we all had food from the same place.

Steve got the worst of it, not sickness necessarily - but after he'd emptied his stomach on purpose (tired of waiting and confirmation that Abby was feeling the same way there were times he had to help Abby while I was helping Jack. He's a trooper.

I'm, oddly enough, starving, but as its one in the morning, now seems like a bad time to make muffins... though I dunno- it might get to that point.

Abby's asleep on the bathroom floor - she wants to "lay here for a little bit and then go back to bed." Steve is sleeping in bed trying to make as little movement as possible. Jack went back to sleep but he needs a bath like nobody's business. And me - you know where I am.

Addicted to the Cuddle

So, as my mom and I try to finish the Christmas book for this year, we've settled on working nights since the kids do not help our productivity and the idea is that they will be asleep. Steve was taking care of Jack Saturday night and I thought, oh I'll just have Abby sleep on the couch while we work at my mom's. This did not work out too terribly well because Abby was too keyed up by the excitement to sleep and I didn't want to waste thirty minutes being stern with her.

Anyway, so instead, she "helped" by handing us paper when we needed it and cutting the thread when we needed it and so on.

At one point she looked at the sample book which is held together by two big silver clamps and has the cover she chose on it (my mom told her she was a big girl now so she gets her own book) and she said, "Can I hold it?" And Gramma said "Yes." and Abby looked toward the couch, "Can I take it to the couch to... cuddle with it?"

(to prove there is NOTHING cuddle-worthy about what she was talking about - THIS is what she was holding*)


*different cover - her cover has a blue drum on it

Happy Posts are Boring

Have I already told you the somewhat embarrassing story of when I was in my English class... It was this professor that everyone else loved and who I had somehow alienated. Anyway, I didn't yet realize she detested me and we were in a roundtable sort of discussion about poetry and I was hopelessly disgustingly in love with Steve and I piped up with the question of why only sad poetry was revered. I mean that's not absolute but I was trying to point out that while obvious it didn't mean it made sense.

She looked at me like I was a bug. Perhaps because half the poetry in the world is sad and the other half is about being in love so I was just plain wrong. Eh. Whatever. I got the point.

ANYWAY, all that to say, I'm really enjoying this holiday season (with the one condition of sadness for Jen that she can't enjoy it to its fullest). Our pace just doesn't seem particularly feverish this year. Even though my mom and I were squinting as we threaded needles last night at midnight - it's not like we're not BEHIND, but I don't know. I'm just happy.

And I was also thinking of my general contentment with my own death. Snort. It's not my fault - Pastor Greg spoke about very elemental things in church last night and it was very effective and impacting. And I realized that the only reason I really fear death (the concept anyway) is because I so don't want to abandon my kids (who would be fine considering all the love from family and friends that even now constantly surrounds them). I don't have other goals besides being generally the best that I can be otherwise. I dunno. I found it interesting. It might just be the momma bear phase of life, but it's the only regret that would matter much to me... at least once I was dead. Until then I would be kicking and screaming to stay for sure. But AFTER, eh, I'd be okay except for the kids part. See? Being uninterested in travel has some perks - no regret of visiting other places in the world on my deathbed.

I am rather hypocritical on the subject of other people's deaths however. I am not willing to stand for that.

Speaking of the whole life and death thing - I hope all you bloggers feel inadequate that Jen is beating most of you in the "Who's Blogged Most Recently" contest even though she's recovering from another CHEMO treatment. I'm just sayin'.

Mommy is...

Abby came downstairs half asleep at 10pm last night. Steve went to help her back to sleep and she said (half-heartedly) "No, I want Momma." "Why do you want Momma?" "Cuz she's cuzzlely and warm."

Winter Party

Abby's school is having a party tomorrow. She told me as she was getting ready for bed, "Momma, you better make sure I look nice tomorrow because my school is having a SNOW party. SO I have to look really nice. Okay? Okay. Make sure."

Essentially

I continue to be frustrated that who I am and what I mean do not seem to bridge the gap from internal to external.

Quite frankly I'm always surprised when you all know me because it seems an equal if not greater frequency that someone will reveal something they think of me and it be nothing at all what I had intended or what I believe to be a part of me.

SLOW TO ENGAGE perhaps - the toe dipping in the water makes it so that alot of people just know one or two of my toes.

Snort.

edited to add:
(thank you, I got the art history book - now I have to wrap it!)

So what I meant was - it's not that I think I'm oh so complicated and no one gets me - it's more that I'm surprised that people get me or know me because I don't feel I'm getting the me I think I am out when talking to people. But I suppose what you say is the least important and those of you who have me figured out are listening to "how" I say... yup - that must be it. Which is actually very comforting now that I'm thinking about it. Because no matter how well I communicate, I'm still communicating.

All right. That makes sense.

I Dunno Guys...

Well, after 800 plus posts here and several hundred on Abby/Jack... I'm starting to run dry. I'm starting to feel like I'm not interacting with anyone at all anymore. It's not true - I have several people I hang out with, but I haven't felt -

Hmm. Maybe it's a problem with where I'm at once again.

I go through these phases where I just feel distant. So even if we're talking one on one, it's such a struggle for me to keep up a conversation, to decide what I want to say and why. I don't think I'm trying to impress anyone or to even interest anyone much (can you tell?)... it's not like I'm sitting there thinking, "Oh I really want to say the right thing." It's more like I'm sitting there thinking, "*crickets chirping*Uhhhhh...*insert empty stare here*" then, because I still care very much about the people I'm speaking to even if I've lost the ability to talk like a person myself, I try to dredge up whatever I can think of, but it does feel like it's such an effort.

I think I know what I want to do to kind of get back in tune with my self, but I'm procrastinating because it feels like I won't end up being able to do it - i.e. Steve's work or church meetings will kick up and I hate starting something and not being 100% - and if I have to skip a week... or two... I'll never engage. That's who I am, I am SLOW TO ENGAGE.

Maybe that's why I'm drawing such a blank during meet-ups... because I have such a little slot and whatever sharing or listening I'm going to be doing has to be done in that slot so PERFORM!!!

Anyway, point being - if I don't engage in what I want to be doing (i.e. either yoga or pilates AT a a studio where they will guide my mind and I don't have to be half listening for Jack or moving the furniture back and forth every night) I won't get anything out of it. I think that once started, it won't be a big thing to be doing the excercises at home - it will actually be relaxing and nice. But I need that refocusing first and that's what I'm procrastinating starting. Because... and I'm being redundant... but really seriously... the problem is, I want to start and really start. I don't want to start and stutter along. For some reason I don't like the message that sends to the strangers at these places.

No, hear me out, silly as that sounds, I'm serious. Because I think it sends a flaky message, a "i'm only half here" message - and I want them to be focused and all there - so I find it disrespectful to not be the same.

Yes I read the article about twittering taking over. And while I like all you twitterers and find it a cool and less pretentious than bloggin way to keep up in that constant stream of consciousness way - it's just as distant as this is. It's just shorter.

Eh.

Just got to make something happen.

Friends and Family...

if Abby ever took a Muppets dvd to your home - and you find it - may we have it back?

One of the Many Reasons

I like Steve:

So Abby had a sleepover in Camarillo Friday night and a sleepover at Disneyland on Wednesday night. Needless to say, things have not been routine. So last night, I wasn't too surprised when she panicked slightly as I left for her to go to sleep.

In the middle of our talk about it, Jack was in need of something or other and I mentioned to Steve about the situation. He suggested that she just didn't want to go to bed, and that the fear was more of a cover up (which HAS been true). I, not arguing, agreed, but said it seemed pretty genuine.

Steve goes on up to Abby's room and is gone for ten minutes before my curiosity gets the best of me.

I find Steve and Abby laying side by side on the bed, (Steve's legs hanging off the end), discussing candy and making jokes. They are just talking. Abby sits up when she sees me and requests more time to talk to Daddy and I leave them there - chatting about life in general.

Abby goes to bed without a fuss ten minutes later.

Christmas Status

And then there were three.

Three.

Three of you left. Male all of you be.

One of you has a wish list.

And don't let me forget the art history books!!!

How Jack Feels about Shoes

(Grandparents continue at your own risk - this will most likely break your heart)

Disneyland (without the blister whining)

Ah, waiting in line at Disneyland - or... as I like to think of it... captive photography models.

This is Jack texting Jayson:

my mad no lookie elph skills proven again
Ending the night with a twirl...
Zoozy got Abby the coolest boots ever that just so happened to work with her Christmas dress.

Caiah took to the car in toontown like a fish to water... a really happy excited fish to water... While Abby took her job as "GET OUT OF THE ROAD" yeller very seriously.
Not to be outdone, Caiah helped clear the road when it was Abby's turn to drive.

Aren't they stylin? You know, I think they might be too cool. I think I should upload an old family picture to make sure they don't get too over-inflated.
Who's drivin this thing?
Hmmm...





The old - strangle Grandpa with Grandkids ninja move.

Whelp, tradition is awesome. I think that is my motto this year. We worked really hard not to skip traditions last year (it is not easy to get anywhere when adjusting a newborn into a family and healing from very uncomfortable unfortunate... birth like problems). We had a good time last year but there were some bad moments - probably moments I'll forget.

So this year - with a toddly giddy one year old, the traditions seem made for us. Disneyland was Christmas tradition #1 this year and oh boy did we make the most of it.

Jack spent twenty minutes in the Bug's Life water play section of California Adventure - it took him a while to notice or care about the water spouting up all around him - he was more interested in the spongy floor. He LOVED it. He just kept walking around in circles squeaking and squealing with joy every now and then.

Abby went on Dumbo with Daddy (borrowed his shades as it was quite bright outside), the Whale one with me, Caiah, and Sarah, It's a Small World with the WHOLE family, we ALL had churros. Then, proving that Abby is not confined by my issues, Abby went on her very first roller coaster (in toon town). She asked to go on it - Daddy went with her and at the end she said, in a very wobbly shaky voice, "That was really fun"

Ha!

Then it was time for the Christmas party. I don't think I've missed a DPS Christmas party in eleven or twelve years. Hmm... that seems crazy. I might be wrong on that.

Anyway, we had a great time!

Jack's First Birthday

We went small... which is still large for us. JUST immediate fam.


Jack loved the balloons Samantha got.


He loved loved loved all his presents.


The cake? He didn't love the cake.

(yes that is Daddy and Uncle Aaron trying to force feed you an entire cake)

seriously guys?











One year ago (on the night of your party, not the night of this post), Jack, you were sooooo tiny and sooooo cute and already - people never believe this - but your personality was already completely intact. You were sweet and happy as a clam... until someone (the nurse) made you mad (gave you a bath).

The whole family (including Poppa and Meg who couldn't be there for the party) waited for you. And they all loved you right away. Aaron in particular thought you were handsome but I think that's because you look more like him than he realizes.

I knew, just knew (the way you know all important things) that you were just right for us. And you were, you really really were.