Apathy, Lethargy, Fog, Trance, Turkey

Time Loss.

That's basically what it boils down to and basically what I want to avoid.

There are times when I feel like I wake up, look around, evaluate something (like a parenting struggle, an organizational challenge, or some such thing) and realize that, not only do I not like how it is currently happening, but that I am going to change it... as in NOW. And what seemed insurmountable for two months or a year is really just as simple as sitting down and getting it done.

This is the only area in which I really think Steve's theory that I live with too much fear comes in. Normally my argument is that he just doesn't really understand my entire thought process and to say 'fear' simplifies it all too much. But in a lot of these impasse sort of situations he's very right. I don't want to rock the boat because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences. And so I expend all this energy and work twice as hard as I would have trying to keep things level - just okay - not bad enough that I have to change this thing I don't want to change.

One reason I never feel as if I live like Steve worries I live is because when I am in mission mode (which is usually when I've woken up from a fog and decide to change) I do so with my own gusto. It's like, yes, it's fear that keeps me from things - but it's also my own decision not to step out of that fear... somehow chosen fear seems less out of control to me than fear without knowledge or understanding. After all, I don't need a lot of affirmation or encouragement from other people - I've decided to fix the situation and thats the end of it (this is also where I get accused of being stubborn - i.e. I've possibly shared my path with someone and they give other ideas of how to get there or even different destination possibilities - but I don't need that... not because I have it all right - but because I'm already on the right road for exactly what I'm trying to do). I don't dilly dally and I don't waffle. Of course, check me out when I haven't decided on a path - not a happy camper and really really just wanting someone to manage me or tell me what to do.

Anyway, I think that I tend to have these moments of realization or mobilization either after a setback that frustrates me, a situation that saddens me, or (my favorite) a stroke of fortune hits. It's definitely the latter that creates the funnest, quickest, most energizing change (Though, to contradict myself just a little, the changes that happen amidst times of struggle are the ones that make me most proud - getting myself up out of the muck and mire is satisfying in a very different way - and by myself I will always credit God as well since, much fun as it is to share in this blog, it's sharing with God that really gives me the support to get myself going whether it's to plow through the mucky muck or not to waste the energy of a boon).

I had a wake up today after a gift. I do not want to get us into money issues for maternity clothes! However, considering myself and my friends were all working at the time of their pregnancy I have an overabundance of 'work clothes' that I will not wear even when going somewhere nice because they are all professional work clothes - not fun work clothes (is there fun work clothes?). I have a lot of tank tops but no tee-shirts whatever and a couple (i.e. a big portion) of my pants are not well suited for the full term belly. But without warning or begging, Jen is letting me borrow some of her maternity clothes and she happens to have very cool taste in casual clothing - the sort of taste I always strive to have and end up not getting at all. Anyway, after trying things on and getting very happy on the inside that these are exactly the sorts of clothes I want right now and that I didn't have to pay for them and add to that the lack of stress that I've only got two.5 months left and I can't do too much damage to them in that time, I got inspired to wake up and do what I've been wanting to do for a couple months now which is re-organize the maternity clothes I have - go through some of the borrowed things I hadn't properly gone through and put back in the bin the things I knew I would never wear again (Think about it - I was buying pregnancy clothes almost five years ago - fashions change!).

So I've found some things that were too 'third trimester' in both my and Beth's borrowed clothes that are perfect for now, I've got Jen's new stuff and am feeling like I've got a whole new lease on life. I also have the bins and the drawers better organized and found the two things I've noticed in my fog were missing but hadn't the energy to go looking for them.

All my scrapbooking has given me a new lease on photos (this will eventually connect with what I was saying). I go through stages where I will alternately insist on family pictures (i.e. where I am represented as wife or mommy or part of our little family) or insist that the ease of the moment is worth more than the picture down the road. Well, after finding no pictures at ALL of myself, Steve or Abby at Thanksgiving dinner last year, we have to at least make the effort... at least for events that I know are going to be represented in an album. The chances of it being a special picture or a picture that I particularly like are not good at all, but I would like to try. OH it's all a balance! I think if I am too intent on it, care too much about it, I do end up with a picture that lacks any emotional goodness because it was just too forced.

So maybe I should say - I will try to not insist unless either it is a scrapbookable event or if conditions are promising for an above average picture.

That was the problem last year. It was the standard inside shot, Abby was not in the mood to wear her nice clothes, we were busy being socially acceptable people. So, rather than have everyone be unwilling and still end up with a blah picture with blah lighting and blah location, I just didn't push it at all. A fair trade, but only when in a fear dip. I'm not in a fear dip at the moment. Lucky for Steve, we won't be in the same location for Thanksgiving ;).

This may seem obvious but I am wondering if these awakenings have any correlation to sleep/lack thereof. Last night was the first night I have gotten to bed without fuss at a decent hour and allowed to sleep in. I will have to keep track.

P.S. for those of you wondering about the brownies from the last post - they were in her bed - untouched... except of course for being moved from the table downstairs to her bed. She really likes to possess more than consume. Plus she knew brownies for breakfast required permission.