Abby misses Miss Janet

Jack loves to Sing

Oxymorons with Pregnancy

It's such an odd thing to be pregnant. Miraculous brilliant difficult - yes yes all that.

It's also at the same time very isolating and very er... the opposite of isolating.

It is the opposite of isolating because I feel like everywhere in public I go I am wearing a bright red clown nose - an inside joke that everyone is in on. Knowing smiles abound, raised eyebrows paired with soft chuckles, and sympathetic notions about the heat are exchanged. Women huddle together and reminisce knowingly thankful that they are NOT walking in the same path as my very swollen ankles. (They aren't even kankles - they are thighkles)

But it is isolating because I'm walking around with this hidden person inside me who quite often catches a nerve or rolls a certain way in which I have to swallow my almost involuntary cry of "Ouch! Hey!" or "OooooohLordie." It is isolating because everything is so internal, including those braxton hicks that sure, are pretty routine for me right now, but they are still there - and to be paid attention to. Okay, body, I get it, you're working this whole thing out again... no rush, I'm fine... but... could you somehow warn me when the REAL super early labor starts?

For Abby my first contraction was my first (what I thought at the time was) Braxton Hicks. Little did I know it was the beginning. For Jack it was Braxton Hicks all day and then they dwindled... only to turn into full on labor in the middle of a dream a few hours later.

So... this time, the Braxton Hicks... they don't stress me out too much. Baby is full term, won't supposedly be too small to arrive safely - -but he'd probably be scrawny - and I know from all you wonderful moms I know who've struggled to get their thin ones "on the chart" so to speak that though you KNOW they are fine (who made that stupid chart anyway?) but still... the pressure - I'd rather skip the pressure thanks.

But thats besides the isolation point. It's also - I'm whiny - especially to those I love ;) - but I don't want to complain too much to random people - after all who's to say that they aren't in a situation where being as huge and uncomfortable as I am right now is their heaven because they aren't able to be here? So you can't really be too honest or authentic unless you know the person well enough...

I suppose - that just might be that I WOULD be a little too honest and authentic with a stranger huh? Ha.

Another oxymoron - wanting the moment to arrive vs. holding onto THIS moment. OH I could seriously fantasize about those moments - those quiet moments in the hospital where visitors have come and gone and I am snuggling up to a new little snuggle bug, feeling most likely still very huge and uncomfortable but at least knowing finally there's nowhere but forward with myself and the new little guy and my family. But OoooH how simple in comparison life is right now. I know the two kids I have. I know their foibles and their patterns and our little world is, in comparison, just in this beautiful little harmony. Course I will enjoy being able to bend down and help retrieve all the toys Jack manages to get lost under narrow places without needing a double dose of tums from all the stress on my body. And I will enjoy oh... just EVERYTHING about not being pregnant. But the control will slip for a while as we all adjust. The chaos will be slow-motion craziness. The kids will react and continue to react. I will continue to get little sleep and still try desperately to be a present and fun mom. But oh how it will all be so much more complicated. OH and the doctor's visits! Ugh. Don't get me started on the doctor's visits.

So... yeah... It is the best of times, it is the worst of times, and so it will continue to be!

Why Does Everything Have to be so Complicated...

Okay, everyone have the song in their head?

Yesterday evening as Steve, Sarah and I were talking about my first day working in Abby's Kindergarten class the subject of Joe came up. Steve asked if Abby liked Joe. Abby sighed (she was lounging far back on the cushion of the couch), waved her hand in the air and said, "Joe and me - it's a little complicated."

Insert stunned silence.

She proceeds to explain that when he says hi to Abby he says "Hi Abby" in a heavy bored kind of tone and when he says hi to another girl he sounds much more excited. But he still likes her she knows.

She then puts a hand in the air, "I would never tell him this, because he thinks he's very exciting, but actually he's well, he's a little boring"

She goes on for a while. All the while the funniest thing is the look on Steve's face. Stunned. Scared. Sad. Amused only in a stunned sort of way. Fear... It was all there as he listened.

Wow.

Calling you out...

Chris and Maggie
Ron and Christa
Jen and Josh
... others I can't think of right now (Jen G - way to wear high shoes, obviously you care about me)

The rest of you? You obviously did NOT think of me when you fell in love and got married. There is different light in your two different stratospheres. I have to do like double photoshop to balance you together. Sure I bring the stepladder to make it easier - but then the kids want to be on the stepladder and there you are - one of you radiant and one of you the phantom of the opera lightwise.

I'm just saying.

A List Blog Post for Hazel

What my mom and I and Steve (and Sarah) have accomplished this passed few days:

pre-registered for the hospital
had a doc appt
moved Abby's old bed out
made room for car in garage
let floor guys finish
dishes
mailed or delivered 3 CDs to clients
completed W9 for online orders
set up bank account for BrightWaters
solved a Christmas book illustration problem
went grocery shopping ten times
packed maternity bag
finished Abby's emergency bag
went to open house
went to school
bought new shoes for Abby (Thanks Poppa - I love them!)
corrected Abby's school lunch teacher assignment
got the phone lines working again
moved the internet dedicated thingee
gotten the subaru fixed and back
gotten the rental car back
gotten the buick fixed and back
had dinner with friends
had two birthday parties for Abby
had two birthday parties for Caiah
had soccer practice and soccer games

I

am

beat...

but gotten some great pictures that I'm keeping under cover until Christmas card season.

Whoo.

Missing Pictures

First CarLine experience for both of us - teachers waving, cheerleaders cheering. It was perfect.
First day of Kindergarten, snapped as soon as she told me she wanted me to drop her off - therefore I wouldn't be able to do the normal first day pics.
Abby at the open house - first time in her classroom (which she thought was "AWESOME")

On a Me Note

the kids and I are displaced for a couple days while the stain goes on for the new sunroom floor and stairs.

it's odd - like a forced vacation. Besides try not to leave my mom's place totally horribly in a disaster area there is not a lot I need to do here. Granted my mom wasn't here either - normally we'd probably get our heads together to sort out a Christmas project need or something like that.

Just a little unsettling - normally I'm surrounded with "to-do"s.

Before the floor guys got there we actually got a lot accomplished at home. We cleared out the garage floor (which had become a dumping ground of everything I'd clean out of the car for the summer since we were unable to park in there during construction and we'd routinely suddenly need the car ready to accept visitors.) So that's ready for us again (until we can afford to continue construction). We moved Abby's old bed down, brought the chair upstairs that Steve brought downstairs two Christmases ago, started sorting through the "cleaning out car piles", starting putting clothes away...

The dishes will be waiting for me I'm sure when I get back and the half begun sorting, but even if I was home I'd feel a little bit like a lot of stuff on my plate was off.

I have paperwork galore I need to take care of now... so... yeah... bye.

Incredible Kindergarten Girl

Abby took her first day of Kindergarten like a chocolate shake.

It was actually really good that we've been so displaced and busy these last few weeks because I haven't had time to stress too much over the beginning of school and neither has Abby. We've had a few mentions of it - like Monday while we were taking Steve to Starbucks "What if my friends don't like me?" and wanting to know what they would DO in this new school.

Open House yesterday was great - I'm glad I went because it's something I'd usually have tried to avoid (in my mind I would have rolled my eyes insisting it can do just as much harm as good as it's not structured and since the parents are there we're the ones in charge of our kids and we always look weird when its that situation - too lax or too hovering). But it was great because Abby LOVED her room. She saw that there was a Jonathan (which she pronounces Jonnifer) in her class and apparently Joe's real name is Jonathan so she was convinced he'd be there and that set everything in the world right apparently. This made me nervous as I didn't know for sure this Jonathan was Joe, but whatever. She thought the classroom was the coolest and didn't ask her teacher (Mrs. French) if she spoke French (which I appreciated, since she'd been asking ME for weeks. I finally figured out though it wasn't just the play on names - but Abby was actually concerned Mrs. French would teach the class in French and Abby is well aware she doesn't know French).

Otherwise the only other mentions were deciding what to wear. She came out of her room about two hours passed bedtime and right before I was about to insist crankily that she get back in bed she told me the order of her outfits for the next three days. Apparently, she'd been pretty worried about it. Okay I say. Okay she says with a half smile and goes off to bed again.

This morning, all was normal. On the way to school I thought I'd give her one more opportuniy to choose whether or not I walked her into class or dropped her off through the carline. I'd basically decided to walk her in, feeling like I'd be worried about her the whole day if I didn't. She said she wanted to be dropped off but she'd tell me if she got shy and wanted me to walk in instead. I said that was okay but she'd have to make a decision soon about whether or not she was shy cuz we were almost there.

She took some time. Then sighed, "Momma, I really wanna try this on my own."

What a girl. Okay I say and off we go. There were waving teachers and cheerleaders doing a cheer and she was so excited and happy. She got out fine, though there were not quite as many people there to show her the way as I expected to be.

Afterward Abby said some adults and parents helped show her where to go, so for any of your adults and parents out there wondering what sort of insensitive mom dropped off her precious little girl at a new school all by herself when she didn't even know where to go - that was me, and I had to confirm the independence, didn't I?!

I picked her up and she assured me it was "Awesome" and that Joe was indeed in her class so all was fine. Literally that's how it was for her. Of course it was fine because Joe was there. I'll be meeting this Joe on Monday when I work at the school. Should be quite an experience.

She also told me they told her a great story about a raccoon (or some rodent like character) who didn't want to go to school but that his mom gave him a kiss on the palm of the hand and every time he put his hand to his cheek he felt the warmth of her kiss. It was so sweet how she told it.

She wasn't overly hyper or exhausted. Granted, it's the first day, but the first day of full day pre-K and she was happy but obviously exhausted saying, "it was a LONG day." Today she prattled on about everything they did and kept saying "WHAT a day it's been."

Jack, by the way, is not a fan of the carline. I know you're all shocked.

I like the carline fine. But I've already had all the normal problems packed into just the one day. I.E. when I dropped Abby off there was a discussion with the adult and a friend about whether or not she really didn't need her backpack (I could have sworn that was optional and she just wanted her folder so I told her she didn't have to and blah blah) anyway so I totally held up the carline - though to be fair to me, I was just there because they seemed to want me not to head out. So then they told me to pull forward to get out of the way and I did but Abby was still there in the door sorta so my attention was on her and if the line of parents and kids walking in together hadn't been on their toes they could have been very slowly plowed down as I idled forward. Then on the pick up line I was careful not to block a driveway but then I was sort of in the street and I thought I might fit behind the car in front of me - but I didn't at all - totally blocked the driveway of a whole little apartment complex where people were regularly going in and out. So then I tried to back off but the carline had closed in behind me. Finally someone honked the person behind me farther away and rather than trying to totally back out(that would have sucked - as twenty cars behind me would ALL have had to get that memo), I just got out of the line as soon as I had space (I would have done that earlier but I was totally closed in). The problem that I hadn't really "got" in my head was that though you have to go early in order to be on time, since the gates don't open until 3 you really are just sitting there. For ten to fifteen minutes with no movement at all. So you can't just block a driveway for a second like you can when the line is moving.

OOOOooh Well. I survived. It all worked out. I overheard another mother tell her son that the carline was NOT going to work for her. I think she just got flustered by the waiting until the gate opened issue. It seems weird to just be sitting there but if you don't expect movement it shouldn't be a problem, right?

Anyway that was her first day of REAL school - and onward she'll march for years and years and years. Insanity.

OH and I forgot her nap towel and her snack - did I already say that?

Advantages of Waiting

These two kids LUUUUURRRRVE each other. They rarely fight (though it's early days yet as Jack doesn't have a lot of words to argue with yet), they are ridiculously attached.

I hope to have another post in a few years entitled, "Advantages of Being Close" (i.e. as Finn and Jack hopefully develop a very different but just as precious and hilarious relationship)

Abby's 6th Birthday Party

This is going to be all backwards because the family birthday party pictures are on another camera and that happened Saturday.

Abby has had a fascination with cook books ever since Julie got her a star wars one (or was that for me but Abby absconded with it?), but this last year seems to have really truly solidified her interest - my guess is that Gramma actually would help her make the things in the cookbooks thereby making the whole thing all that much cooler/more magical/and more exciting.

So for Abby's birthday they planned for a while what they would make for her cake. For her family party they made an angel cake (picture to follow) and for her kid party they made a Mermaid cake! how pretty is she!


I'm not sure what came over me this year but I was really trying to find something we could do that was different for us and good and low hassle. After waffling all over the place, I finally settle on Amy's Indoor Playground. I was a little worried the kids we were inviting might be growing out of it, but I really like them as a place and the potential was for a lot of fun. AND sure enough the fun was there to be had.

Steve threw himself into the bounce house (quite literally) but did not pace himself. I rarely saw Abby - she was just totally busy with her friends. Jack was exhausted by the end of the party. I was pretty much fine. I didn't have to worry about timing or anything because the people there did it for us. I just chatted around, took some pictures, ate crackers and cake (not together). It was very nice.

Dave and Steve having a domestic disturbance
My mom and I made skirts and capes as favors. This was98% my mom doing the work but only because she fired me after she saw my first wavering seam line.

It's not Nesting...

It's simple common sense that one should seize onto any urge of organization or cleaning that one has when one is usually lethargic and sad.

I finally emptied out the three laundry baskets I've been using as a closet and put the clothes and towels away.

After putting Jack and Abby to bed I got Abby back out of bed and moved her bed and wardrobe. This was big because the way we had the bed positioned she was too close to the ceiling fan when she climbed up her ladder. We knew we were going to move it but just hadn't had the time or energy. It might not be the bed's final resting place but it's finally totally safe even if she's half asleep for her to climb down from her loft bed. I kept having these fears that I'd hear a clunk as she got a whack from the fan if I'd forgotten to turn it off at night or she turned it on on purpose or whatever. Course I also had to move the wardrobe to make the bed fit... and the bins of toys and books... so I went ahead and organized all that... it's not beautiful like my mom would do it but its a start.

I did the dishes, half the trash (Steve did the other half), put the paint cans that have been waiting upstairs since June into the garage... fed my family mostly... next I really need to just do a run through on the toy room since Gladys will be here to clean tomorrow.

I'm expecting three weeks at least - five at most. I'm not quite ready to make up the hospital bag... though that urge is there. Of course one problem is that I've lost the need - I never use much from my hospital bag when I'm at the hospital. I wonder what I'll bother putting in there.

OH I know why it's not nesting.

It's momentum. This is what I keep telling everyone and no one believes me. I work best when I'm feeding off someone else's momentum. In this case, after a frustrating lull in the construction activity the different teams got the sunroom floor in, the ironwork (making life so much easier because the area and the kitchen are no longer potential death traps for Jack) done, and the downstairs bar cabinets in. To make that work we rearranged our furniture...

So you see? Nothing to see here. Just what I've been trying to prove all along. I am a good worker bee as long as I'm motivated by momentum!

For the sake of Posterity and Divination

I've been looking through my Nov/Dec 2007 blog posts to see how I was handling pregnancy last time around.

If there is any comparison to be made, Nov 13, 2007 (3.5 weeks away from Jack's birth) I said "my bones are aching" by which I meant those bones. And tonight I got up after feeling faint and twitchy during church service to the same feeling, ("oowwww"). This was before I went looking back at posts, so it's not like a mind game.

Apparently last time I was sleeping already again. Bah, that's not true here.

Last time I think, because I was so sure it would be my second and last time having to go through pregnancy I think I was actually less uncomfortable but more impatient.

This time, I feel... funnily responsible for not being as impatient because I feel responsible for not being responsible enough in unintentionally getting pregnant. Like, I made my bed... sort of feelings. Even though of course the intentional pregnancy you'd think would have made me feel more like that - but it didn't.

I'm also feeling this time... when I imagine those hours directly after delivering the baby when I get to hold him and fuss with his fingers and toes, I feel very lucky - very bonus. Like I really wouldn't have chosen to do this and yet I get it anyway. It's like I made a decision that I don't have to live with ... the baby - yes, the baby I have to live with - but that's fun.

I've been calling him the bonus baby and it really does feel like that. I definitely (obviously) do not associate any of the frustration/unhappiness of pregnancy with the baby. Ha. Maybe that's why I don't enjoy pregnancy - it's just a process to get the baby in my arms, not the joyous fulfilling of making baby that it could be... for some wacky women out there.

Let's see.... I'm uncomfortable - can't sit or stand or lie down with any ease or comfort. I have NEW stretch marks. I'm not a big person to get upset about stretch marks, but it does feel like a bit of a battle scar when the THIRD baby forces one right across the middle of the baby bump. OH and my ankles have swelled up to cankle size. This is new. This didn't happen the other times... but I've gained ten more pounds already so ... oh geez that sounds awful. Oh well, I'm ignoring it. Doing my best, but ignoring the success or failure. Just like I would preach to the friends and family who do this long after this is a hazy memory. See? Future people? I DO know how hard it is, I do feel your pain, and I also really do know that it's fleeting.... and not worth getting too depressed about.

Mostly.

Fabulous

Surreal

Okay this doesn't even look like a real belly to me. Don't get me wrong I don't think I look like a skinny little model with a fake baby bump - I look like pregnant me (read: big me) with a fake baby basketball hidden under my dress.

Seeing as it is REAL and not fake at all - I would have to say this picture confirms that Finn has NOT dropped yet. Like at all. Like he looks weirdly high. And... protruding...

"Hi"

Impromptu Coronado

just one more inch, Jack!

LOVE this look from Jack...

Oddly enough, I have been to Coronado a LOT recently. Mostly on these little unplanned trips to see Noni.

This weekend, I have no idea what got into me, but when Zoozie suggested she would take Abby and Caiah to visit Noni for one night only, I thought - well... lets throw Jack (and I) in the mix then too. I think my impulse had something to do with the fact that I'd hoped to go down there with Wesley's Family this same weekend but had never been able to get it together. I had originally had three shoots and two canceled. AND it is the last weekend before soccer starts - I dunno - it just seemed meant.

Course we didn't know at the time we'd be at the condo again instead of the house (poor Noni's neighbors) and I didn't realize at all it was a holiday weekend.

We picked up Caiah and bravely set off. And bravely we sat in traffic for four hours. Zoozie manned the iphone giving me regular (if somewhat optimistic - is false too strong a word ;)? ) updates on the traffic conditions.

Jack, who should have slept soundly about half the time slept for only thirty minutes - the fun the other two cousins in the back were having was just too much for him. Well, it could have been them or the people in the front yelling at the traffic.

We finally got through the traffic - smooth green lines on the traffic watch as far as the eye could see. Jack was freaking out - he's not a huge fan of the car, but does pretty well on short (90 minutes) drives now. This one, with limited nap... he was FLIPPING out. Not exactly screaming, but I dunno- IIII could feel the tension of the impending explosion in the air. Zoozie got any side abs workout she may have wanted twisting around rescuing a binky or serving snacks or even sacrificing her iphone trying to just keep everyone together while we crawled along.

So ... we stopped for lunch. We had to. And what could be the harm? We were finally clear of the traffic - what could possibly happen in twenty minutes?

oHHHhhh ALL red and yellow lines on traffic watch the rest of the way - that's what could happen.

We lost all hope in keeping Jack from exploding. Our goal was just to get there.

I was all prepared (being me) to have to sit and coddle Jack a bit when we got there, but no - he was fine as soon as he was out of the car. *rolls eyes*

He wasn't at his best for sure, but after a long night's sleep he was a delight the next day.

Caiah and Abby were too busy with each other to care much about anyone else. They played and played and played. Abby, of course, didn't forget her brother whom she cuddled and wrestled with and carried around as if she was the bottom half of a circus performer.

Grumpy Air

*important note about this post. I need one of those air sprayer thingees to clean out my keyboard because my "d" and "t" keys are being annoyingly difficult to press. So from here on out I am not going to redo the word if the keys do not work, making an otherwise whiney post possibly slightly enteraining (see, it's fun alreay isn't it?).

I am so overwhelmingly tired.

Nothing is working for sleep again.

I have forgotten to take care of a few HUGE things.

I have some huge things on the horizon.

I am huge.

I nee to call Abby's school lunch people to tell them I put the wrong teacher name on the thingee. And to somehow reeem my overpayment from summer school.

I nee to clean clean clean.

Clean.

Clean.

I'm lethargic at this point...

and defeated...

and stuck...

I'm not sitting around antsy waiting for labor or something - it's not that sort of impatience - it's more - I actually forget that there will be an en. That this is shor lived and should be reasured an blah blah blah like that. It is to be treasured, really it is - because what I am still very worried abou is Jack. I am so sad for the little heartbreaks hat are bound to be coming his way these next few months. Still, that's not the message my brain is giving me.

The messages floating through my brain are about just being huge an uncomfortable and not liking the way I look or the way I tire or how very hard it is just to keep a positive attituue through the ay - it would be so much easier to just lay in bed and whine an cry an be ouwardly grumpy at everyone everyay. Bu no, of course I try - I ry very very hard to do well, o feel goo, no o outwardly boher everyone with my general low opinion of how I feel at the moment. An of course when I fail even at that I feel lower - like great - not only o I feel blah I've just blahed out the day for my kids.

I'm not depressed about all this exactly - just like - I sort of feel like I just must be really really failing at the diet or the housework or parenhood or something like that. It's this nagging feeling of issatisfaction.

I try to just plug along an do all the small things I can, hoping that the small things will help with the big things as time goes on - but they all seem to buil on each other. I've done more ishes this week than in a month but there are STILL iry ishes. I've cooked more in order to save money an time an of course that makes the more ishes. I make lists before going to the store - still I'm there everyday. Then heres the launry - just mocking me. Especially since fewer tops are covering my belly, fewer bottoms look decent, I'm noticing more an more stains everywhere so my maternity wardrobe is dwinling along with my time being in maternity clothes. Thank God. But I don't want to pack anything up or throw TOO many things away because no one's going to notice this tiny stain my shouler of my comfiest shirts when I've got twelve ounces of spit up on me anyway. An I'm not going to be in my NORMAL clothes for a few months....so... that leaves... stuck in maternity never never lan. ifferen piles of clothes in ifferent bins in an orer only I unerstan.

But - hey - on the positive. I am really excited now to have a new baby. I have less panic about having a third child to worry about and keep safe and more just happy to have him.

I still don't have any clue how I'm going to survive through the day once he is out of the CONSTANT baby-wearing phase (i.e. when he is going to want to play and be let own now and then), but I guess we'll cross that brige when we come to it.

p.s. Steve's car has ANOTHER thing wrong with it. We have already paid this year more than we will probably get for trading it in - but with the whole construction project we don't want to be irresponsible and add a payment to our monthly life (Subaru is paid off). But if its inevitable anyway we don't want to keep throwing money into a bottomless pit either. It's so funny, when we were eciding beween getting a car or the construction I thought Steve was crazy to even be suggesting car. Ha. See? Even when he's wanting a new car he always ens up righ. Such a pain to be married to Mr. Right.

Guile Missing

Abby is still in her phase of coming into our room in the wee hours of the morning to sleep on the floor (we leave a purposely uncomfortable little blanket there). Sometimes she doesn't come in until daylight (the official rule), but basically if I'm asleep then I don't pay her any mind, she just lays down and is immediately asleep.

Miss Pat suggested this method. I don't argue much with Miss Pat's suggestions. So that's not my problem.

The funny thing is, as Abby was going to bed tonight she said, semi-frustrated, semi-bewildered, "Momma, everynight you say I can't come into your room until morning but then every night I do and you say yes" (ha, i don't SAY anything, but it is an implied yes by acceptance).

I laugh... well... what... how am I supposed to answer that? You're right - you're not allowed in!? I know how well that's going to work.

We sit around and discuss the problem for a while. She wants to come up with a plan that will help her stay in her bed at night. Me reading her books, and her getting to watch two movies were her suggestions.

I explained the bright lights of the tv weren't good for her eyes or brain at night and that I had to sleep - so it had to be a plan that she could do on her own - like read a book or put a cd on.

She was stumped, "Well, do you have any ideas, because I don't have any ideas at all."


She tried reviewing, stating the things we definitely couldn't do.

I totally want to do this with her, but I don't have any ideas... Honestly I think it will just stop one day.

But it was just so funny for her to be confronting me on my inconsistency. She doesn't quite get how badly that could go for her ;).

Manhattan Beach

This picture makes me laugh.



If you have been around Abby more than five minutes in the last year or so you'll have become aware that sleepovers are her new FAVE thing in the world. Yes she still gets a little weepy when she misses me at night but that doesn't keep her from seeking these nights away... persistently and doggedly.

After months of planning, it was finally time to have the Uncle Aaron and Aunt Megan sleepover. I drove her to Manhattan Beach where Aunt Megan proved once again to be the coolest wife Aaron could have chosen by taking Abby on an adventure straight off until Aaron could get home.

There was a lot of baking treats from what I hear... and snack treats. Some movie night and quite a lot of deliberation of which side of the bed she should set up her floor sleeping area on. She settled next to Megan and got her hand held until she was absolutely completely totally unconscious.

Luckily she was so exhausted by all the fun she slept in til 8. Whoo. I always like it when I don't see horrible shadows under the eyes of her sleepover facilitators (*cough* Samantha *cough*).

My mom joined us in picking Abby up and spending a little time at the beach before heading home.

Look at how freaking handsome Jack is. I so seldom get good pictures of him because dang it he is just never STILL. Or if he is - he's intent on his cars and does not want to socialize for the camera.

Freaky Brain (aka Head Shrinking #2)

Okay, I can see why psychology was once feared to be from the devil. There are some weird things that go on in our brains and psychology's explanations can be downright eerie.

I have been angry - like really easily frustrated/at the end of my rope sort of angry the first few days of this past week and just automatically chalked it up to pregnancy hormones.

But toward the end of our women's group wednesday night someone was talking about something else and I thought 'Oh yeah, I forgot to tell everyone about that thing' and all in one big fell swoop the history of how this thing has affected me before made me go OH!

Oh, I see. I've been upset about this and had no clue. I would not have really truly believed you if you'd told me it would affect me.

Anyway, as I was oh so impressed with my realization, that's what we talked about. Led down some roads I hadn't thought of. All in all another good head shrinking.

"Mommy"

I remember, quite vividly, holding a squirmy scrawny little Abby and thinking in my romantic thoughts, "Someday, she's going to call me Mommy" and thinking that was wild and wonderful and cool.

AND it was.

And then I belonged to Jack too - there is something utterly possessive about that title.

I still get a little mushy when Jack goes around looking for me mumbling "mmummmummummummm" (not exactly as exact as "DADDY", but I get the idea).

And I find myself smiling indulgently when I overhear Abby say to a friend, "I'll be right back, I have to ask my mom." Because she somehow does seem to have a bit of pride to have a mom to ask? I dunno- that sounds weird, just a vibe I get.

Of course... there is also the other side. There are always two sides, aren't there?

The side of, "If someone calls out for "Mommy" one more time in the next ten seconds I'm going to throw this plate out the window."

Or when they call for you desperately as you have to leave as if you are abandoning them forever and their world will never be the same again. Ah yes, that one isn't so fun either.

But you know... on the whole... well... good, bad, or ugly it is bound to change fifteen minutes from now.

Ahh. Motherhood.