Where Am I at 2am?

Okay - thats not a Les Mis lyric. But I figure maybe I'll do "how am i" "what am i" "why am i" to round out a series.

So to continue onto the idea that it is difficult to grasp oneSELF when one is in such a crowded time of life, I'm now at the point of trying to get my bearings. Slowly, slowly routines are being established, things are being re-organized... (Have I mentioned how the SunnyOaks house was just finally totally and completely upkeepable by me RIGHT before we started getting ready to sell it - one of God's (or Steve's) little ironies in my life as it will be years before we're there here).

Anyway, so now that things are sort of finding their place, and I mean that in all the fascinatingly deep and totally surfacey ways it could be meant, now I'm trying to get my bearings. Right, I know. I said that already. But see theres a lot of that right now. Going in circles.

Before I was so overwhelmed that I may have had time to do the dishes, but I didn't have the mental capacities. Now, I may not always choose the organization route, but at least now I'm starting to notice when I step OVER something instead of grabbing it as I pass and dumping it where it belongs.

Would you believe part of what has thrown me for a tailspin was the fear that Finn was allergic to Cheerios somehow thru my milk? Probably not possible, but I've been avoiding them for a couple months and they were my staple "inexpensive - not horribly fattening - but totally fulfilling" lunch. Food that was once available becoming not available always throws me for loops.

By the way - though everyone is sleeping better - last night was the exception because Abby hurt her wrist (jumping off the bed onto a stack of pillows) and woke up everytime she accidentally bumped it (we think). Jack woke up once and Finn was wanting comfort and distraction from teething. Anyway, I checked the time once while leading Jack back to bed, presuming it was about 5 am and that the night was over.

It was 2am. And was I relieved because there was still so much time for sleep? No. I was appalled. Because I knew the night was NOT going to get better and I just wanted it to be over. I do NOT mean that in any deep philosophical way ;).

Abby woke up with, "That was the worst night of rest ever." Sadly, little does she know - it doesn't hold a candle to some of the nights we've had as parents.

Sucks to be You

I have the cutest videos of Jack to share except I don't have time to look and figure out which one to post.

24601!!!!

Who am I...
Once upon a time I knew every single lyric to any number of musicals... like EVERY lyric and spoken part. I don't think most people know that of me now a days. Six years ago I had a small dinner party in which I realized one of my friends was a huge Michael Crawford fan and for the first time in a long time I got out my prized "Phantom of the Opera" book in which my friend Juliana had had HER friend get an autograph from the original phantom for me back in high school. I was suitably quite the rock star at that dinner.

Anyway, I dunno. I'm not really one for having a big identity crisis. I am very myself and don't usually get too bent out of shape about trying to prove who that is to myself or anyone else.

But right now, with every moment seemingly brimming with depressing thoughts like roof leaks and total sweetness like the way Finn smiles EVERYtime someone looks at him and feats of amazing progress like Jack walking out of his room this morning with his CARS books going straight for a Daddy snuggle (this is what it used to be like) and annoying realizations that I'm not doing the best I could (with weight, with organization etc)... and domestic successes like keeping up with the laundry and dishes and mothering wows like how I need to facilitate Abby's ability to go for her joy in swimming & gymnastics, Jack's musicality and sporty needs it is becoming increasingly difficult to feel like I'm anyone in particular. There are moments of identity - like with photography and art (yes we've already started next year's Christmas book) but in general life is just very crowded.

Because of the helpful family around me I do get bursts of clear and free thought. But those bursts have to clear so much smog in my brain they are short. Appreciated and bright... but short lived.

And... well... thats about as far as I can go at the moment ;).

SopooooooOOO

tired.

Based on Actual Events

First Baby:
8:30pm, Baby crying
Me (crying): She can't possibly be hungry, she's fed every two hours all day!
Steve: Fine, so she's not hungry, she's just going to have to cry!
Me (wailing): But what if I'm wrong? What if she IS hungry? Here is her feeding chart - she fed at 4:07, 5:12, 7:02... it's CLOSE to two hours...
Steve: Then feed her!
Me: WHY can't she wait four hours like other babies?! What if I feed her and she wakes up every hour all night because I fed her.
Steve: is that what happens?
Me: No... but it might. What if she's got some horrible disease and she's trying to let us know but I just keep feeding her to shut her up?
Steve: If you want to wait, then we have to let her cry.
Me: Give me my baby! I'll feed her!!! I'll feed her!!

Second Baby:
8:30pm, Baby wailing like a siren
Me (rolling eyes): Think he's hungry?
Steve (tickling baby even though he's crying): I dunno, is it time for him to be hungry?
Me: I dunno.
Steve: Want me to wrap him?
Me: Maybe. Naw, I'll just feed him.

Third Baby: (last night)
8:30pm Baby making semi-fussy noises
Me: Let's put him on the boob so we can watch "Better off Ted"

Is sleep worth the Dreams?

I've been getting "alot" of sleep recently. Quotes since that means two or three nights a week there is very little activity with the three little "we eat your sleep for breakfast" monsters.

The new thing is that I've gotten in some naps as well.

BUT there is some thing about sleep deprivation (so says the internet - by the way great article on the ER and very true Aaron's twitter account) where because you are so seldom in deep sleep your brain takes you there as soon as it possibly can when you're asleep so you drop straight into dreams and straight out of them.

So I feel bombarded with dreams and ALL of them have something to do with forgetting a child, losing a child, or some variation on that theme.

I literally pinched myself in the middle of a dream last week to prove to my dream self that I must in fact be dreaming - and I'll have you know - that is NOT just a worthless expression. As my dream self I pinched my arm as hard as I possible could three times and it did not hurt at all thus proving to me that I was in a dream. Am I the only one who never took that expression literally before?

Anyway, my dream kept trying to fool me out of it, and its the only time it's come to mind during a dream, but I'm glad it did. I often have moments in the dreams that I doubt their reality. In this one I was on the phone with Jen P, nursing Finn and stopped at an uphill stoplight in Manhattan Beach. Realizing this was a REALLY bad idea I pulled into a driveway right away but as I parked, was so anxious to get Finn into safety (he was suddenly in his car seat) that I left the car in gear when I got out and had to chase it (this was the explorer we had the first year of our marriage). But even then, when the car was safely parked I suddenly didn't have Finn - and had some vague recollection of putting him down on a pillow. And I was so mad at myself, so frustrated, as soon as I thought it could be a dream I was determined to prove it - and since the alternative was that I'd lost Finn, I can tell you when I say I pinched myself, I mean I pinched as HARD as I could. Then, still afraid to be relieved I did it several more times.

So... at the end of the day with all the drama in my dreams, I can almost dread sleep. But... no, having no sleep is worse.

Respecting Where We Are

I think there's a difference between embracing where we're at in life or in a situation vs. respecting that this is where we're at.

I first started thinking about this when families that I photographed so obviously wanted a photo that most definitely did *not* represent where they were at that moment - i.e. if our family picture this year had shown Jack contemplating life. That would not be Jack. Jack is either a lover (this boy cuddles like no one you've ever seen) or a fighter (in good spirits or bad he tackles fun, food, and particularly cars... and trains... and wrestling... well everything).

I started to actually try to sort of... accentuate in a photo how I saw the family. So if a child wouldn't be contained for a tight shot, I have them running around free or sitting a little apart. And I'm really proud when you sort of really really see who my clients are rather than just how pretty they all are.

Then I also started chewing on this idea (mentioned on Dr. Phil though I'm quite sure he's not the originator of the thought ;) ;) ) of being careful of labeling our kids. I.e. words are powerful. And they are. Obviously. Anyway, so I started to worry about how I've been talking about my three. Abby having all this anxiety (well she DOES!!!) and Finn being so sweet (well he IS!!!) and especially Jack being so crazy (well... I'm searching for the right word for him...). He's NOT crazy - he's not frantic (when he's not in a tantrum anyway)... he's just... a wildly free spirit or something. I really have a hard time labeling him and I worry that my inability to label him sympathetically or even slightly correctly will cause him to somehow lose all this wonderfulness that is him. I mean, he will sit and play with cars for LONG periods of time - so its not like he's some sort of no attention span spaz. He sings, oh how he sings. He's a delight, he's joy... He pats the floor or the seat next to him when he wants you to sit down with just the same tone that I do for him. He frowns and pouts so well that it's cute. He LOVES to cuddle, especially when tired, and in those times he'll lean against us and go easily to sleep or just sit there for an hour, just ... sitting. 90% of his nap and sleep time he will just curl up and wait to go to sleep. Where as Abby who is my people pleasing sweetheart fought naps and sleep tooth and nail for years!!

The only parts that make me feel defeated with Jack are the parts that are... impossible. The parts that I don't think are easily solved until he can speak clearer, understand easier, grapple his spurts of emotion... and thats just not going to happen right now... because he's TWO. And the fact that I can't sort of solve everything with a smooth quiet voice makes me feel like I'm failing as a parent and failing him and... and...

And so then I started thinking you know, he's not always going to be two. I can't quite embrace everything that comes with his age right now - but I respect that he needs to go thru it - maybe we all do. He needs to go through this battle of wills and emotion and tortuous ... LIFE so that he can learn how to deal with it all in a generally socially acceptable way and know we all still love and accept him. So I can embrace that I need to respect where we're at... how's that? Close enough?

Similarly with Finn - I don't want my feelings that he is so much easier spirited to lead to him feeling he needs to play the role of a weaker spirit. Because I can already tell that that's not who he is.

And I need to explain that the reason sometimes that Abby's anxiety is so distressing for ME is that she has such a strong core - the anxiety doesn't seem to fit and I don't want it to strangle the iron will that makes me so in awe and proud of her.

Jack is just so... Jack. That's a fair enough label. Maybe that's the answer. Maybe I don't have to box any of them in. I don't INTEND to box them in this way. I don't NEED to classify them. Why does it happen so constantly? Because I'm just talking to other people. Sometimes conversation just leads to talking about the kids and talking about the kids it seems I'm always searching for adjectives. Maybe that's not the way to go about it. Maybe I should tell stories.

Maybe none of this has anything to do with the kids but my anxiety about not being able to communicate what I intend?

But this is where I'm at. Knowing I can't worry like this forever, but really not worrying like this all the time anyway, so not really worried about worry. I don't want to be a perfect parent - I'm not WORRIED that I'm not perfect ... I'm just worried that the mistakes I do make will be horribly detrimental and I want to avoid as many of those mistakes that I can. Don't you see?

Oh heck. I dunno. I just don't want to be the one holding back my kids simply because I wanted to talk about them. Parenthood. Again. Not for wimps.

In Defense of Reality TV

And yes, I realize alot of people think I'm awful cuz my first post of 2010 is about tv ;).

Hoarders inspires me to go clean out any areas of clutter.
The Biggest Loser inspires me to tone rather than just lose the weight I want.
America's Next Top Model inpires my photography and gives me concrete hints to give my subjects.

So...

There.

2009 - Impending Finn

From my blog January 25:

"I've mentioned this before too - but I feel this weird... feeling that I'm in a rush all the time now. With photography more than anything else. Like, impending... something."

I must have already been pregnant but did not have ANY clue whatsoever. I didn't know exactly what was thinking of even at the time... but wow. In tune much?

Pregnancy was indeed the eternity I feared it would be, but it is already an eternity away, and I've had Finn forever.

Jack has been playing with Cars forever and Abby's already been in Kindergarten for forever.

I think, in these first initial months I can already see a huge difference in the positive Finn has made in our household, but particularly in Steve and I. For the first time I really and truly feel like an adult, a parent, a homemaker. For the ten years we've been married I've always felt, at least partially that there was an element of "playing house." Yes I adored my kids, and I parented my kids, but t all felt so weird to take a step back and say yes, I'm a PARENT. Did I start having kids particularly young? No, but it just really hasn't all felt real until now.

Saying out loud that I have THREE kids without saying the THREE in capital letters with a sort of fear and awe, haven't mastered that yet. Though, I do feel an incredibly selfish satisfaction in saying it when people ask if Finn s the first.

OOOOH how grateful I am that we have moved on from being first or even second time parents. The saying we heard back in our prenatal classes was "have a second child if at all possble so you can enjoy it." Obviously, underneath all the fear and stress and confusion that came with Abby (#ONE), I had a pretty incredibly good time with her. But enjoy it? Even just looking back on the blog I can confidently say I enjoyed Jack as a baby to a ridiculous degree, and Finn - I mean Finn is like a (very manly) cupcake on top of the icing on the cake. I think I'm finally at that place where I'm enjoying it. As much as I'm capable as a person of enjoying things which I am not in control of. ;)

I think I know now what people mean when they say they hadn't felt really complete as a family. I hadn't intended to have a third munchkin, but now that I have him, it's not just because I don't ever want to be pregnant again that I feel complete, it's just... a feeling - like an easing of the mind. THIS is our family. NOW when I look back it feels like I kept trying to make it feel right to be Abby and Jack and us period.

Ah well, in general as we near the end of the year I feel less frantic, less rushed. I feel more grounded, more steady, more ready to take on my work as mom and person and photographer.

I'm still not totally ready in the school department but I'm feeling more like a plucky newcomer than a beat down confused toddler.

I'm seeing Abby be completely and totally a kid - no trace of the baby or toddler left in her. Wow she's sensitive, but not in a pushover sort of way. She loves her friends with heartfelt intensity. She isn't too old to want to join in the wrestle wars between Jack and Steve. You just have to really really listen and you'll hear her deepest heart. She has a ton of energy and is excited to be learning new things at school. Her whining soundds more lke a mimic of me or tv than the real thing.

I'm seeing Jack learn the agony and triumph of words - he struggles with a word, really struggles with it... and we understand it... and still say no ("mcqueen car book please" - "no babe its 2am"). i wish I could explain why he is so charming even though he is so very 2. But... he's just absolutely ... charming. He'll come on over and sile up to me, sling an arm around my neck and bring my face to hs while he watches CARS. It's just this feeling, this fun sweet machismo...in case it's not painfully obvious - he's no pushover either.

I'm seeing Finn's personality - sweet, fun, a little more reserved (might eat those words). He's not too demanding, but no pushover. Basically he's patient - that's the word for him. He cannot help smiling a you if you smile a him. He loves loves loves anything visual (particularly the tv). He gave Abby his first social smile and looks at Jack like he can't wait to join his troublemaking club.

All this negative connotation to pushovers is unintentional... it just so happens I don't have any in my genes to pass along. ;)

I mean we're not skatng thru life - there is always that moment of panic when all three insist they need you and their hearts will break if you don't come thru RIGHT at that moment, but because there really is no way to make it happen, it's a little easier to take a breath and just take it one kid at a time.

I found myself booked with clients, still wishing I could be paid by some nameless entity rather than the friends that my clients usually become. I put my foot down more than I had last year... but probably not enough. I've learned a ton. A whole lot and yet seemed to have dropped most of the lessons from where I'm consciously aware of them, then I look back and thnk 'OOOH that's righ - I keep doing that when want to be doing this."

I just feel... more grown up in every place n my life. And that's good.

Christmas Breakdown 2009

Let's just say we were unfocused.

Steve's very cool extended gig at Horse Racing TV was half of the distraction. Brightwaters Photography +Three kids made up the other half.

I gained back four pounds during Steve's first couple weeks there - even though he's working right at the race track (next to the mall in other words - very familiar territory), he's just not as accessible as he was when he was a bit more completely in control of his time. He's doing incredible stuff, and loving it. But he is very very focused on doing that job well, as well as maintaining the work he's doing for other people.

Then there was still adjusting to Abby's school (Again, it's me, not Abby, who is still adjusting), parties and finishing work and blah blah blah. There was Jack - doing SOOO much better with his frustrations than the two months or so surrounding Finn's arrival... but still - we're trying to help him maintain some success by a) keeping him in as much of a no-fail environment as possible and b) not freaking out when he does.

Oh yes, then there was the busy season of the photography business. I didn't have a ton of time to be angsty over how artsy vs. commercial each shoot was. Somehow I ended up very happy with my work. It's been a little fascinating to see how I grow from shoot to shoot. How even just a week before I'll see I was all into one photoshop method or one pose and a week later I've moved on. It's been fun as always that most of the Christmas cards I've received have had my photo shoots on them. Even as satisfied as I am that I did the best job I could in each given situation, there is still this nagging disappointment in the back of my brain as I think thru all the missed opportunities - all the times I couldn't quite get the perfect moment or caught the moment... unfocused.

- so Christmas... well.. we didn't really focus on it until about 2am Christmas Eve morning.

Except for the impromptu decorating of the toy room with all our lights (Steve is hilarious), we decorated with about 1/8th of what we normally do.

It was the best of times it was the worst of times. Steve's been coaching me (nicest way of saying forcing me) to challenge my "this is going to be awful" expectations. He doesn't deny that most likely having my gorgeous Jack, my sweet Abby, and my gentleman Finn in all these social situations is going to result in some awful moments, but he wants me to just accept that, get thru those, and enjoy everything else. And surprisingly enough, it's worked.

As I walk away from each event I'm rolling out my shoulders and thinking, hey, that five minutes where Jack wasn't heartwrenchingly trying to RIP Caiah's Chick Hick's out of his hands was really special. Okay, okay, there was a lot more than five minutes. Jack actually did a really good job playing alone for big portion of the time. I took him outside for a lot of situation diffusing. Abby was a star, I was trying to teach her not to count presents or be jealous during the other kids' present opening... or if she was, just not to say a lot about it. She did reallllly well. Finn is just a blessing because if he demanded more we'd be in deep doo doo. So we try to reward him with lots of love and thank God a LOT.

Yup, no matter how much I think I must be crazy an delusional, as I'm looking back - I just remember the successes.

Jack love love loving the cars he got... ALL the cars he got.
Abby deciding to sit in the front pew at Christmas Eve service... next to the pastors... by herself.
Finn smiling and cooing
Steve chasing an wrestling Jack & Abby
Burnt Fudge
photo sessions with the cousins
photo sessions with Aaron and Megan (ahh, torturing big brother - whoo)
Abby's new love of Santa
Jack's cuddles
Abby's Cuddles
Finn's cuddles
Steve's cuddles
my new vacuum
my new stroller
Caiah announcing "Ist Christmas Morning!!!!"

Photos soon

Unprepared

Kindergarten.

Abby was ultra prepared. I was negative twelve prepared.

What am I talking about? Let me count the ways.

On the one hand I feel like they hold my hand - sending me emails when Abby is about to miss out on something that I've missed completely.

It's not the school - it's just that I was barely aware of my shadow while pregnant. And the first few weeks obviously were just a flurry of doctor's appointments.

I thought I was doing pretty well getting in a rhythm of looking in the backpack for "Backpack mail" (which I love by the way).

Then I find I've completely dropped the ball on grandparents day. MaryAnn (family friend) saved the day there.

Then my phone is out when I get called to duty for something I volunteered for. My phone was fixed but 16 messages were out in limbo and literally just got dumped into my new messages todday. I checked yesterday - all caught up. I checked today? 17 new messages... WHAT????!!!

One of them was some guy slurring about something and us not taking his call - my guess was this was a drunk dial that got the wrong numbers. One was blockbuster. Whoops.

And not just this logistics stuff - but just in general - teasing has begun. Have I equipped Abby well enough? Does she have the right color underwear? are her socks dirty? Is her hair combed?

Gramma has been helping with that daily, but you know.

Just big failures everywhere.

Accepting Defeat

I am re-arranging Abby's closet for the umpteenth time and have decided at some point, a mother just has to give in. Keeping it clean? No, that's really not too bad - Abby has turned into a pseudo neat freak - cleaning her room daily to try to keep it "Gladys Clean." (I say "pseudo" because she tends to think shoving it all into her wardrobe as long as its not on the ground is gladys clean).

No, this lost fight is about arrangement. I always have you know dresses hung up, skirts in one cubby, long sleeve shirts in another, short sleeve in another, and pants in another. She never wears pants. If she does it is under a skirt. Still... for five years I've held out hope - held that cubby open for the cute little knickers and jeans Zoozie buys for Abby (Z is an optimist). And I am finally letting go. NOW the cubby's are as follows : skirts - top right, long skirts- bottom right, skirts Gramma made - top left, shirts - bottom left. Guess which cubby is woefully sparce? Yeah, bottom left.

Finn's Place in the Family

So far, Finn's role in the family is to be the resident wriggly teddy bear. That and a joy to his parents.

Abby and Jack at Two saying cheese

Control? Or Anxiety? Or just plain Weird.

In my so far small experience with therapy, I've been trying to pay attention more to the root of any problems - most often anxiety - that I have.

Today I have been just very agitated ... but the root feeling is anxiety. Why?

Because Abby has Grandparent's Day at school today. (I didn't try to get you a ticket Dad, just cuz you're out of the area - depending on what it was like we'll get you in next year). David, MarySue and Gramma went. It's the WHOLE half of their school day.

Why does that make me anxious? I have no idea.

But of course I can't just stop there, now can I?

My first guess is because I don't know what it's like or what is going on.

I think I try to take care of everyone - from the Grandparents (is this a waste of their time, will they be taken care of? Will they know where to park, where to go what to do or anything like that) to Abby (have I equipped her as best I could- will she know what to do or where to go).

This all sounds like I think they are all children and the people they will be around are horrible or something. That's not what I think at all. Do I just not trust other people to take care of MY people? Or is it more about control - i.e. IIIII want to do it? I didn't figure it out, just tried to let go of the silliness. You all can take care of yourselves I know. Even my babies.

I dunno.

Everything felt better once my mom called.

Sheesh.

Sweet Little Abby

There is a children's Christmas Store at Abby's school. Everything is all "allowance priced" and only the kids are allowed to go in there - not with their parents. It's this whole thing about understanding money and choices and giving and empowerment and all that.

I was thinking of this post before Abby went in there - how she made out her list so lovingly, how I'm sure she was so careful to choose just the right things.

She came out with a traumatized teary face. I imagined a scene of how I didn't send her in with enough money, how she had wanted so badly to get loving things but I hadn't equipped her...

Yeah. Don't get me wrong - she's still the sweetest most sensitive loving little girl.

Here's what she left the store with:
a necklace for me (so sweet)
a silly santa hat for steve (very appropriate)
a ball for Jack (yup, so far so good)
...
a headband for herself
and three chocolates ("for me and the family")

And why she was traumatized? She couldn't afford a teddybear for Finn... AND herself.

Snort.

I love her.

I can't avoid not being not complicated...

I blame my name.

Take placing a take-out order for example.

I usually use an alias which in itself is a complicated complication. Do I use "Ada"? Its not much easier than Adrea but a least it's easier for people to hear an quicker to spell. Do I use some easy nom de plume that all my friends and family have understood tha I use ( in case they are picking it up or in case its a reservation they need to find)? If so what name? What name IS easy to understand no matter how noisy the background noise?

I used to just say it was under Steve, but that threw off people thinking since I, the caller, was female then the name must also be so they would make up girl versions of the name.

Think I'm just making it too complicated? That I should just use my own name? (I *know* none of you made the mistake of thinking "Scheidler" would work as an alternative) My own name is so foreign o most people that you can't just trust that it will be misunderstood as "Andrea" - nope - Audry, Aubrey, Adrian, a version involving a V I never quite caught.

So do I just call back to Andrea? huh? Do I?

Also Jack Is My Baby

Okay, I am aware Jack has me wrapped around his pinky finger. I can't help it. I adore him. Yes,s yes, I adore the other two as well, and they each have me in a different way.

But I'm having a very difficult time not seeing, thinking of, treating Jack like a baby. Because he's my BABY. But then ... I see pictures and I realize... Oh. Wow. He's a little boy now. A kid. He actually does have the ability to walk and not be held. He should be kept up to a certain standard...

When I'm not cuddling and kissing him that is.

Easy

Things are easy. Things are impossible.

I have time - but never two hands when I have the time. Or if I do I have crazily more important priorities than my little things. My big things I hvae time for. My inner thoughts? eh. No time.

I think them.

I can't really express them, and the problem is if I don't express them they don't go full circle. Just a lot of half thought feelings.

Mainly? I don't want to panic whenever my panic button is pushed (multiple children in need at the same time).

The difficulty with life right now is that at no one time is EVERYone happy. Very hard not to feel like a failure all the time and want everyone to repress themselves for the moment just so it can feel like restful peace for a while.

Jack waking up for the umpteenth time crying because he can't breathe. Steve starts new job tomorrow so I'm taking over kids for entire night while he is on the couch. Ha. Never thought that would be the cush job - being banished to the couch.

Odd Resolution #43

I didn't even notice that I leave my cupboards open. I didn't care much when it was pointed out to me.

But as I try hourly to keep the house from descending into chaos I started to notice gosh, it is a little odd that EVERY one of my kitchen cupboards is usually open.

I would like to point out it is also rather satisfying to close all of them in one fell swoop of closing cupboards frenzy.

ANYWAY, I've decided one of the small steps I'm taking towards order is to keep the cupboards closed.