Nuthin'

So, nothing's going on. I'm trying not to be quite so helpless in my pregnancy state now that I'm not quite so disabled. But my mind is still stunted to lump of grey matter state.

My book well has run dry and am now in the annoying position of WAITING for new books in a series to come out. There are three or four coming out as part of the series' I've started this year that have a new one set for this coming year. That's exciting.

My photography has dried up to mostly my kids again, but I do feel like I sort of need to stand back anyway and absorb what I learned in my little Christmas spurt. BUT I have no room on my computer so already my Easter pictures are languishing on cards put away until I can empty off my hard drive again.

Jack is really trying to talk, still loves to wrestle and laughs very literally at danger - particularly things like running unsteadily on the couch and getting up on the footstool. He is so ridiculously cute and in love with those who love him. He is also hilariously ticklish - like when I pick him up when he's already in a giggly mood, his armpits where I pick him up cause him to curl up in a giggling ball against my chest - not a terribly easy way to hold him, but its so funny. He is hugely offended by anyone who does not give him his way, but just turns his back and tries for something else. OH and he loves to play ball. He will literally just wander around the room throwing the ball forward so he can go get it and throw it again.

Abby Abby Abby is so very Abby. She still astounds me how much she loves to entertain Jack and boy does that boy giggle when she tries. She is all about pretend as she has been for several years now. And though she doesn't throw tantrums because we aren't doing something fascinating every moment of the day, she's still royally disappointed. She says things that are so sweet sometimes they are lost in translation like "Thank you God for your wonderful decision to create a world." She just wants so badly to be heard... and it's so very hard to really listen if you don't make the effort. Words run out of her mouth without her looking it seems, and to watch her try to untangle her own meaning makes me want to hug her with boa constrictor force.

Miss Janet asks parents not to talk about their next school until ANS is over because starting right about now as parents are making those preparations for next year, the little 4/5 years olds are getting anxious. Abby has already come out of nowhere with, "Momma, I think I like my old school best, I think it's best if I stay there. And I want to stay 5."

Awwwwh. Anxiety in kids is so sad... cute but sad. And yes, I know she'll be fine and she'll love every minute and all that... it's just scary until you get there.... for her... not me.... riiiiight. ha ha ... ha.

Anyway, I think I'm well on my way to gaining my hefty 30+ pounds again. Those first 2.5 months are always marked with weight loss since I lose my grip on life and the desire for any sustenance... but now the weight is steadily coming in. SIGH. It's FINE.

I took a walk with Abby and Jack a little before sundown because I needed some air and I was happily breathing in the cold air with the hint of chimney smoke in the air and I mentioned to Abby how good the air smelled and she said, "Yeah, it kind of gets in my nose though."

This is positive that there isn't anything going on. Because it means I'm not really stressed or worried or anxious about anything. My biggest struggle (besides patience I'm short on while pregnant) is trying to enjoy any part of this pregnancy that I can since all I really am looking forward to is "birth"day. I LOVE that day. I love those first snuggly wonderful sleepy days. The leading up to it is such a pain in the neck... but yes I know, I know, my actions leading up to it will help guarantee it to be the wonderful "birth"day that I expect, yeah yeah... I just want to be there... but ... of course... change that effects my other loves of my life scares me a little too. Honestly, the thing I'm looking forward to the most is that first day- when I'm still in the hospital, Jack won't even care that I'm gone, Abby will be excited but just fine without me for a night, the nurses take care of me, there's no real pressure yet... just the long stretch of quiet hours that I get to stare at the new baby while I heal and the baby gets it's sealegs so to speak. No, I haven't forgotten the contractions after birth or the awful sometimes humiliating parts to being wounded in this particular fashion. But none of that matters compared to just getting to hold the baby - to being baby's first kiss and first staring competitor and first cuddle and first eskimo kiss and... and... sigh... 6 more looooonnnnnng months.

Once I'm home - that's when the panic sets in. I'm scared for Jack's transition, he loves me so much (as I love him so much), and I worry about him having this constant new competitor for my lap. Luckily the Moby Wrap makes that so much easier - he might not even notice I'm wearing the baby the whole time.

But the funny thing is - the impatience to get to that first day overrides the panic. Even when I type about it, I want to flick away that part - just focus on how annoyed I am I'm not at that first day.

ha.

SO I push all that away and try to hold on and savor and set into my memory like stone what it is to be THIS family, to be totally in love with my little flirt who is so totally in love with me, to be able to really focus on Abby now that Jack is more independent... to give honor and time to THIS time.

Happy and Sad and Scared and Excited and Nothing much in particular.