This is one of those "parenting is hard" posts that threatens to get all cheesy, so beware.
TIME
We've all heard that it's important to get your own time once you are a parent lest you be swept away (you=the person that you are outside of being a parent, which, granted, at times seems non-essential when kids are tiny) by the tide of needs and your identity becomes meeting those needs rather than who you ARE. Note I didn't say who you were because look, parenthood changes you.
Anyway this weekend was the NFL draft and while some of you think that is not the cause for your weekend to come to a halt, that is the way it is around here. Of course Steve watched on Saturday he was also doing almost ALL our laundry and wrestling with Jack, so I wasn't complaining.
Jack is teething and almost constantly wanting Daddy to play - like really play - like full contact play. And when he doesn't want that he wants me to FIX him. And I don't know, I could just see both Steve and I lagging. We have a full couple weeks a head of us and this was the calm before the storm but, of course, with kids those "calm" times are well... relative. Steve and I talked later and I feel like another of those little columns of fine print that I didn't really truly understand before having kids was that as a parent, neither one of the parents has their own time anymore unless someone gives it to them.
I do think of myself as dependent as that as the mom of a baby for sure - but after awhile I don't think like that consciously, but it's still true. I mean sure, it's a semantics game if you say, well you can take the time by arranging for childcare, but really, it's still someone doing you a service, whether or not you are paying them.
I think that gradually this changes. As kids get older. But still, if you've got a child who is having a rough day and needs a basketball game, a walk, a cuddle, something... anything... that time is still theirs first. And anything else has to take a little nudge to the side.
This is why us moms get so completely obsessed with nap times and night times. Those times, even though we may still be in our own house are our only times that we definitely get our own space and am not depending on anyone (except our child ;) ) for it. It is bliss. It is recharge. It is essential. So give us a break when we become lunatics and need a few days to get over the fact that it really is okay that our 9 year old NOT take a nap anymore.
PERCEPTION
Again, I do not think Oprah rules the world, but she does have some things that do me and my family good now and then. One of them was reiterating some Maya Angelou quote about how a child is only ever wanting to know when their parent walks into a room "do you see me?" or some such thing. And the way either Oprah or Angelou expanded on the idea was that children are searching your face everytime they see you for that spark in your eye that says that they are special, that they are loved and accepted. And so often we parents do not see the seeking hearts, we just see the kid who hasn't gotten their shoes on like they were supposed to, or their hands that need washing or the hundred other things that don't matter to us at all in the long run.
Anyway, there was a time when Jack was younger when I would tell Abby she needed to stay wherever she was at the time while I put Jack to sleep for his nap (see above for how important naps are to moms). And she would come in anyway to tell me something she considered important enough to disobey for. And I would try to warn her off with a stern, angry, or exasperated look before Jack woke up and I started wailing in frustration.
It got me thinking that whatever she's thinking at that moment, whether she is aware she is disobeying or not, the force of Mommy's face directed at her is quite an impact. So about a year ago I switched it up. Of all the things I have consciously decided to do as a mom, I feel best about this change.
Now I smile at her conspiratorially and put my finger to my lips. And rather than say what she wants to say (which is what she would do before in defense of my angry look) she smiles back and tip toes into the living room. It's not all perfect peaches and cream, but a smile or (if she's done it twice) a sympathetic/concerned face which translated between her and I means "Are you okay because there must be something really wrong for you to interrupt and I would hate for you to get in trouble right now." So NOW there is always the implication that she actually does matter more to me than Jack's nap. Which, while nap is sometimes my only breath, is very true.
I feel better, she feels more loved, accepted and cared about, and Jack is just fine... until #3 comes and rips up the fabric of the universe again. Whoo hoo. New baby IS welcome and loved and all... it just really does rip one's heart out to love a child as much as I love mine. Oh well.
RTO
6 months ago
7 comments:
You make some really good points/observations. Too often I get angry and frustrated with Rachel for disobeying and speak to her harshly, when a smile and patience would go so much further. I need to remember more often that all those little moments can add up, and even one can have a negative impact that can take a long time to erase. I have too quick a temper and have been working to stop raising my voice with her. I've been doing better but sometimes slip up and yell, and when I do I apologize and tell her I was wrong for yelling, and ask for forgiveness. I hope those moments stick with her, too, so she knows that Mommy screws up sometimes but admits it and loves her fiercely despite losing her temper sometimes.
She's been having some bad days lately, with lots of screaming and tantrums and disobedience. I think I need to spend more concentrated time snuggling and reading with her when Ben is taking his afternoon nap. I suspect at least some of her behavior is acting up because she wants more of my attention, and then she ends up getting negative attention and me *not* reading with her, which just makes it worse. Poor little girl. She's so full of emotions that she doesn't know how to handle, and I don't always remember that. Instead, I keep thinking "What on earth is WRONG with her today?"
Miss Pat says the more challenging (read: Annoying) a child is the more they just need attention. ;)
And fierce love - good way to describe motherhood.
OH I know what I was going to add - I had realized that I would never ever display the kind of anger in my face to another human - friend or foe that I was almost daily sending toward my little girl. That made me sit up and go whoa. If I can be civil to adults I can't stand, I can be civil to my daughter whom I adore with all my heart and soul.
That's exactly what I've done with Rachel, too, just been really visibly angry with her. It's true - I wouldn't respond that way to another person, so why have I done that with Rachel? It's something I've been working on for some time now, and I've seen progress, but I want to work more towards just showing that love and making her feel special, rather than the kneejerk frustrated response to annoying things. Rachel definitely falls into the challenging category, but she also is so smart and funny and sweet, and I know she's going to be even more incredible as she learns to use self-control and how to deal with emotional situations. It can just be so hard because they really know how to push our buttons and seem to enjoy doing it at times, even though I can't imagine they enjoy the final outcome. I think they want to obey and have lots of positive attention, and I want to do whatever I can to make that easier for her. Not by giving in to her every whim, but by being consistent with "house rules" and my own behavior, plus trying not to put her into situations where I know she'll have a hard time dealing, like when she stays up too late and gets overly tired (truly HORRENDOUS behavior frequently results when that happens) or when I don't give her a warning that something fun is ending soon (TV watching, playing outside, computer games, etc.).
Wow. You are just so incredible. I hear "experts" bat these things around, but it's incredible how much you do just by being so in tuned with yourself and your children's needs. I am constantly amazed by you.
I said "incredible" twice. Incredible. Now it's 3 times.
hey - can't say it enough to me ;)
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