Shove Flippancy

Isn't it always when you're bragging that you are certainly not "like that" that you realize, well actually, there's a time and a place where you most certainly are exactly "like that"

I was just bragging to my mom tonight how, in the name of a witty remark, I am not easily offended. That I understand that so many of the things we say during any conversation have not been thought through therefore there is no reason to take every little thing in the worst way it could be taken - no reason even to hold some sentence or thought over someone's head years later as canon of their beliefs simply because it was said once. You know what I mean. For example for the rest of my life everyone is going to say/joke/etc how much I hated being pregnant. And that's no one's fault but my own, because I don't gush about things that I don't want to gush about. I don't sugar coat things just for the fun of it. I might, however, whine about things just for the fun of it. But sometimes quite literally JUST for the fun of it.

The truth is I don't enjoy how LONG pregnancy lasts or how FAT I get or how injured I can get or how one's body is not one's own for a long long long time. I don't enjoy the first trimester sickness or the feeling like everything winds me. I don't enjoy that essentially life is put on hold waiting for the new life to emerge.

BUT that doesn't mean I don't enjoy the idea that we made a baby by accident or on purpose, that I don't still find the feeling of the baby crazy insane fascinating awesome. It doesn't mean I don't panic at the end because this little baby I've been able to harbor inside me is now going to be outside me and to some extent never under my control in the same way. Heck, I even sort of like labor - the adventure of it... the 'it's almost done' of it. But see, I'm not going to share that with everyone. Oddly enough, I feel like the things I don't like (not just about pregnancy, but about everything) are much less intimate and therefore sharable than the things I do.

I'll tell anyone and everyone about the stress and the exhaustion and the sickness and the taking over the brain like a sci-fi brain worm. But the parts I enjoy seem more private... more mine and I don't like to give them away.

Anyway, point being I understand that we don't all rehearse for hours on end what we are going to say and how we are going to say it. We all stick our foot in our mouths, we all, at one point or another, hurt, offend or rankle someone without intending to. And not just strangers, in fact, more often than not it is those closest to us that we let our guard down with, that we just plain screw up with.

STILL I feel like when someone is vulnerable, it would be great, just great if we could just shove the flippancy and be nice. BE NICE.

The problem? Of course we don't always know when someone is vulnerable.

I didn't know I was vulnerable... until after two straight nights of my wonderful simple easy sleeper Jack up from 1-3 at least, waking again at 4 or 5 - crying all night even though not totally conscious. Which is O...K... I don't go into the room if he's just randomly crying for a few seconds then going back to sleep. But it means I don't exactly get long periods of sleep, I don't exactly relax.

Even at 5 months pregnant it's really hard for me to get up quickly. So he starts to cry and I tense ... waiting... slowly get myself up when he doesn't stop right away... but still waiting on the edge of the bed... before as a last resort getting up.

On my third night, with no reason to think things will be particularly better but always hopeful since Jack is such a sleeper, I get to sleep at 11:30 - not an indecent hour for me... and I'm asleep, seriously, finally, actually unconscious and the show Steve is watching wakes me up. And then Jack starts his intermittent crying. There is no SOLUTION to his crying (also odd for Jack - not odd at all for Abby's baby year). It's no too tempting to pick him up and move him to our bed because it's not like that makes him restful.

And oddly enough - as I'm sitting there next to his crib trying to decide if there is ANYthing I'm forgetting - that one thing I'm missing that will calm Jack... it's flippant comments from the PAST that swarm in my head and make me feel mad and misunderstood and uncared about. And if you think you are a problem then you're wrong because the people that tend to be so flippant are also quite proud of how un-flippant they are.

Ha. I know because that's totally me. On the one hand I've gotten quite good at not taking a joke at the expense of others... turning humor around so that I (who can take it) are more the punchline. On the other, when it's family... when it's friends I feel safe with... I want to impress with that funny joke... and of course... yeah... I see I'm the pot calling the kettle sooty ;).

But I'm still mad. I still want to be understood and loved and not dismissed because these are the same days of our lives that have had people/women struggling with since the dawn of feather dusters. And NO it's not you. I know who you are thinking 'uh oh, I've said something' and it's not that. I swear. Oh stop ... okay fine - it was you - all you... are you happy now?

See? Perfect example - maybe that really hurt your feelings because you were worried you were the insensitive people and you wanted to show care and all that junk... and I just totally insulted you.

Sorry, I didn't mean it. It was just a good joke opportunity...

Sigh.

I'm tired.