Halloween 2008

(the above is the only one I had time to tweak - all others are raw and uncool - plus expect a repeat of the above on brightwaters - maybe I'll use the black and white for that post)

Well, I am on a new mission... and that is not to be such an (unintentional) Scrooge. Holidays mean all the good things to me somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind. But at the forefront, they just mean stress and crowds and screwed up naps and things like that.

Unless I consciously try to change this - I'll probably get over this RIGHT at the age that my kids are unintentionally horribly negative about everything. So I might as well enjoy this time.

SO all that being said and pledged to change, we had a great Halloween - one reason being that Abby loved, adored, cherished, lived in her costume. She wanted to be a bride and what a bride she was. From the tip top gorgeous veil and train that my mom happily added to the already awesome dress she made to the incredible sequin glass slippers from Zoozy, Abby was glowing. She explained to anyone who asked that she was too little to be a REAL bride, that she was just pretending for Halloween.

Jack had no problem with his costume except for (predictably) the hood/mask. He had a FANTASTIC time at Abby's pre-school party - watching the kids, playing in the sand and going infinitely up and down the play structure (VERY proud of himself).

My mom being there to let Jack do all this made my day. We got a Gus/Jack picture - though the best one is on Sarah's blog.

Then I had Poppa here to let me sort thru my day and feed me. I really have no right to be an anxious person considering how many people I have chipping in to make my life easier.

Off to Gramma's we went for an impromptu Halloween party and Steve's birthday celebration all in one. It was great. Jack slept even though there was a party going on. It was just really really nice.

Abby Says the Darndest Things

Abby seems preoccupied with marriage and death recently.  Hmm.

"Mommy, will you still be alive for a while when I'm grown up?"

"Momma, where were you when you found Daddy?"

"And what did you do after you found him?"  (answer: went on dates, watched movies)

"Will I do those kinds of things with my husband when I find him?"

"Mommy, when did you decide you wanted to be a Mommy?"

"What will my kids look like when I am grown up to be a Mommy?"

Oh, and she still wants to marry Jack.  I've told her she'll have to think on that for a few years.

Reunions

It has been a year of reunions...  First our Westmont one and this wedding... and facebook has helped too...

Anyway, I've discovered something not terribly exciting.  I was right to like the people I liked.

It's difficult to keep in touch obviously with everyone.  I find it is almost ESPECIALLY difficult to keep in touch with people who you just like who they are - but you don't necessarily have any other close connection to - i.e. proximity, obsession, etc.  

But when you do reconnect nothing even needs to be caught up.  I mean, besides the big tragedies and the big triumphs - but even those - they don't change the person too fundamentally different - not the parts that I liked initially anyway.

SO... I have had a rediscovery of liking friends I always liked.

P.S.

I'm glad Steve was born today many years ago.

Mini-Drop-In-Vignettes

Hey - I need a cute word for a mini-photo session.  I do not want to use "mini-session" because that is what Shannon Stewart uses and I'm already copying her enough as it is.

I keep almost saying quickie which is really really NOT the message I want to send.

First Hair Cuts

Abby and Jack had their first "salon" cuts last week.  Jack got his curls which were dangerously approaching mullet status and Abby just got the tiniest trim that could possibly be taken.

We have, (like a lot of parents - my mommy included) been threatening for quite a while that if Abby wants to keep her hair long, she has to stop over-reacting to her hair being combed.  She had been doing leaps and bounds better so we definitely were not going to enforce that one.  I know, I know - a mistake... we're trying here people.  

Anyway so sweet girl, informed that she was going for her first hair cut had a nightmare the night before, "I wish my hair would grow LONG RIGHT NOW"she wailed in panic, "I LOVE my HAIR" - she's still asleep while crying about this.

I many many times tried to set her at ease.  

While we were getting shoes on right before we left she came to me - just the most penitent brave little girl, "I promise to be so much  more patient when you brush my hair ..."  she dissolves into tears.

Sigh.  And my ears simply ring with what a jerk I am.  I promise again it will just be a trim and that healthy hair grows longer faster.

A memory she won't ever retain, but that will probably haunt me for years.  FYI it IS easier to comb thru now and it does look quite a bit neater.

JACK did not like being in the seat at the kids' cutting place any more than Abby - but he was a bit more entertaining rather than heartbreaking.  He just kept trying to get a look at either a) the lady that was mysteriously behind him and b)the weird loud tool she used.

Before I Forget

Things that make my heart hurt (in a good way):

The night Steve came home I was putting Abby to bed and she wanted to talk to him.  So we called to see just EXACTLY how close to home he was.  Abby said very little and shrugged away from the phone, so I let Steve get back to his freeway journey home.  As soon as I hung up Abby got up and hugged herself, "I just miss him so much I'm going to cry," she said sadly.  

In this video made the day previous, you'll notice her priorities are blessedly 5 year old appropriate: presents, world made of candy, and oh yeah, I miss and love you.  Let me know if you need it translated as she had lost her voice.  When Julie heard her, she said Abby sounded like a muppet and I can't think of a better way to describe it!

In Jack news:

I've been extra sleepy recently (I know, no big surprise), but it feels like a teensy version of jet lag - like I have been keyed up in one way or another since Steve has been gone and now that he is back, the exhaustion is showing.  SO, I was napping in a casual sort of way on the floor while we watched tv.  After a little while Jack made his way over to me and patted me on the head, trying to peel off my nose - that sort of thing.  Next thing I knew, he was resting his head on top of mine... as if he'd decided napping sounded good to him.

Sure enough I took him upstairs and just lay down next to him for a while and after he'd explored my face for a couple minutes, he just dropped off to sleep.  It was just a very nice moment.

Day Five or... Two

So, I've had one cup un-rinsed, and to be fair it was left where I wouldn't normally have a that needed to be rinsed.

Anyway, according to that habit forming thing, in order to form the habit it has to be 21 days without skipping - so I'm not sure if I have to start over to test this habit or if, since it was an ACCIDENT and not an intentional "I'm going to rinse this out later"... and it certainly wasn't a whole day skipped...

3 Hours

I think I got at LEAST two hours if not three of sleep, so I'm pretty chipper this morning.

Plus I got a lot of little things done in my hour of not sleep AND just as a toddler is supposed to - I feel quite proud that I self-soothed myself out of a tantrum.

Today is a new day ;)

Ah, Memories

So, trying to relax and take my lessons from pregnancy. Might as well get stuff done while I'm stuck awake.

Lost All Hope

That's it. I would break down into a mass of quivering jelly, but I'm too frustrated to.

(Steve is home! Joy. Seriously. What a relief to have him here.)

But that doesn't change that in his absence sleep has totally and completely fallen apart. Jack was up until 10:45pm tonight. Abby, with her weird congestion/cough slept like a log from 8pm til, you guessed it, 11pm. She then woke up every ten minutes crying, coughing, screaming, trying to get under our covers.

It doesn't matter how much I understand that I need to stay firm, this sort of torture is not something I can handle the sixth time. You have to understand that each time it's at the exact moment that I drift into that in between land - almost asleep.

Especially since I am fully aware Jack is not going to settle into his crib for too long. Abby, panicked and distraught was finally granted access to the foot of my bed, not horribly comfortable for me, but she's staying asleep for fifteen minutes...

Which is the time mark at which point Jack woke up.

Look, I have done this before. I know what works. Persistence and Insistence works. If there is no option that he get carried into bed with us, then he WILL sleep in his crib. If there is no option that she can get into bed with us, then she will be FINE staying in her own.

It's not about left brain.

It's about dripping water torture. It's about the idea that when Jack woke up and interrupted my seventh near sleep experience, I was so mad at the world that I brought him into the bed almost to spite myself - but not that clear cut - also with the sincere, bleeding hope that I could just get to sleep for a minute.

Of course not two minutes from when I have him asleep in my bed Abby starts coughing and crying. Jack sits up, trying to get to her, Steve stands, trying to help - which Jack thinks is the best thing since sliced bread because DADDY'S HOME!!!

I stayed calm though. I was losing it, but I stayed calm.

Until finally everyone is back asleep, and I'm no longer able to calmly lie back down and go to sleep.

This simply isn't okay. I'm furious.

It's one a.m. and I've already been through nine interruptions. That didn't happen on Abby's worst night before Jack came around. The worst case scenario in the old days of convincing Abby to stay in her room was a 45 minute cycle. That sucked. But right about now it's looking like bliss.

I know this sounds melodramatic. I know I am my own worst enemy and saboteur in this. It doesn't even matter (much) that I'm so lucky as to have my mom taking Abby off my hands twice this week (she sleeps soundly at Gramma's) or even that one night while Steve was gone, she had BOTH my kids for a night of uninterrupted sleep. It's appreciated, believe me. But it's like - needed relief from the situation doesn't change the echoing and massive hopelessness I have about it.

And yes, I'm fully aware that sleep itself would give me renewed strength, hope, and fervor. I just don't happen to be able to get out of this incredibly rotten mood I'm in.

Finally, the last part of my suffering is that I cannot for the life of me get my brain to focus on what movie I'm thinking of where the character says, "We've lost all hope." Is it Leah in Star Wars? Is it Queen A in Episode One? Is it Yoda? Luke? Obi Wan? Cate Blanchett's character in Lord of the Rings? Arwen's father?

p.s. my old reefs are literally shredding the skin on my toe, that's weird, right?

AND now, an exercise in thankfulness:
Thank you God for:
Abby.
Jack.
Steve.
Steve's success on his trip.
Steve's return from his trip.
Our family.
My mom's willingness to save me from the big and the small frustrations in life
How we've all been laughing.
El Torito salsa.
My laptop being fixed.
Lunch Bunch is Back!!!!

Back from the Hospital

The computer hospital that is. Awww, how wonderfully familiar this keyboard feels.

Thank you Steve for letting me fix this one. Thank you Megan and mom for letting me borrow other laptops in the meantime... STEVE too on that.

I'm enjoying searching for all the things I didn't backup... I'd backed up a lot... but I'd missed that day's photos.

a

pictures to match

my consolidation post

All by Myself

Steve usually stocks up the Arrowhead dispensers before he leaves but he didn't get a chance to do the upstairs one... So I did it.  Oh yeah - those muscles are intimidating all right.

Day One

Of my commitment to no longer let dishes mold.

I rinsed out both Abby and my instant breakfast glasses this morning.

AND our Cheerios bowls from lunch.

Twenty more days til it's a habit, right?

Uh - Oh

Abby is going to be a bride for Halloween.  Today she was looking through a princess compilation book and pointed out Cinderella's wedding dress and then Ariel's wedding dress, "I'm going to look just like that." pause. "Um, it looks like I'm going to need a prince though."

Sleep Wins Again

Well, I "wasted" my pre-school time today taking a nap with Jack.  However, within ten minutes of waking up I had finished four things I've been trying to get done for a week.

Note from Steve today says that the presentation went fantastic... AND that there were even more disasters than I knew about - but it's over.  Now he just has to get home.

MoooOooom.

I'm not going to stop talking about Abby and Jack or uploading pictures of Abby and Jack, I will just do it here rather than trying to separate the topics.

Tired.

Night...

SERIOUS anxiety

I am usually a pretty decisive person.  I think that's why when I don't know what to decide, I really really really can't - i.e. I get really really worried about it.

Children's birthday gifts.  This stresses me out.  Because all the moms are probably going to the same Target as I am (except you super cool froofy moms and moms who make stuff of course) and we're all heading for princess for girls or cars for boys... I WOULD tailor to the kid if I knew more than these generals, but you get the idea.

I went to Target with Jack this morning and we just went around and around (Jack chattering all the way) in indecision.

Consolidate

Okay, I  can't keep up with three blogs.  Two blogs, I think I can do.

So Abby&Jack blog won't be updated except maybe for special things for posterity's sake. Those of you who like the Abby&Jack blog because then you don't come here and listen to me whine on THIS blog... sorry. :)

So, what's been happening?

The photo thing has still been keeping me happy and thriving.  

Steve is in Venice again filming - it's been easily his most challenging business trip ever beginning with us sleeping thru his original flight, the computer breaking at LAX for his replacement flight, a time mix-up for his connection, they lost his bags, someone died on the ship before they got there so they were not allowed in to film for a day, and various sundry problems.

As is often true in marriage, tough time for Steve equals tough time for me.  A lot of guilt for example as I had unplugged the phone upstairs the night before that missed flight because four calls that night woke up Abby.  We didn't have our normal "pray for trip" prayer in which certainly one of us would have mentioned getting up in time and would probably therefore prompted us to set another safeguard.  

The ironic thing is that the REASON we missed it is because we were just so happy and relaxed.  Steve has been getting up this early for most of his trips with Princess, so we felt confident. Usually he sets three alarms, usually the phone is connected, usually we don't have both Abby and Jack waking up every fifteen minutes.

I was feeling two ways about this trip - still do.  On the one hand, I have quite a lot of time to myself when Steve is on a trip... it's also a time when my mom comes and we get a lot of projects done.  So in that way, it's sort of a nice time.

On the other hand... I don't know if this is just me being cheezy or what, but it seems to me that we're in a very double sunrise time in our marriage (reference to 'Gift from the Sea')... and so, I feel more than ever that we're part of the same.  In other words, it doesn't feel right that we'll be apart.  

The only positive about all the 24/7 type working he's been doing recently is that I wasn't particularly worried about taking on single parent duties since I feel like any time away I have had - things like going to the grocery store or ... well, that's about it.  That's not to say I've been doing it alone - everyone's been pitching in.  My poor mom didn't realize that the only way to get personal time is for her to be an hour away working full time.  Ah well, lesson learned, she can't do anything about it now!!! Mwah ha ha ha ha ha.

A special thanks by the way to Megan for lending me her laptop for the weekend.  I was going to be without any photoshop at all for that time and it's been great. I might even get a little ahead while I wait for my computer to be fixed.

A forever and always special thanks to Marysue for Gladys... I am home in a super clean house... that's just heaven.

FYI the cutest thing in the world, in case you were wondering, is when Jack takes off talking.  He has very strong opinions about the world and will just jabber on and on.  Especially at Target.  It cracks me up.

Jack is also a master kisser.  He spent a good ten minutes last night toddling between my mom and I, giving us kisses and hugs, then looking to the other for "Ooooooo"s.  He's also still a giggler and a crawler.  He takes a step or two but he's still against the concept in general.

Jack's crib is up - he hates it, but I think he'll come around.

My mom and I went to a seminar for calm, peaceful, happy parenting and while we don't quite have the hang of all the little tricks, we do see a difference already.  It's pretty interesting.

Julie came to visit and helped me cart the kids around to lunch and soccer pictures (small disaster).  Samantha helped me coach Abby for soccer practice yesterday - and I was SO impressed with how much Abby has learned already.  Steve must be good out there with her.

The new favorite television show around here is Imagination Movers - both Abby and Jack adore it.  Abby wants to know what city on this planet they live in so that she can write them and then they'll write her back.

Abby is... just a sweetheart.  She's still terrified to go to bed, but listens to Raffi all night long to calm her nerves.  She still loves Jack - still has issues remembering Mommy doesn't want her to pick him up (case in point, she got him in his swing... and obviously didn't belt him in... CRASH).

I just feel like I've been in a funk and I think it's been about the same time period as Jen being diagnosed with cancer and Steve working like a crazy man.  So there you go, Jen, just another thing to add to your plate... your tragedy is affecting my MOOD... how dare you?

Poison Control Center, How I Love Thee

I am mostly completely sure and aware that no little confusing line or different measuring mini-cup I use would be enough to send Abby into some medical induced trauma... I mean, I'm pretty dang careful.

But its times like tonight where I gave her the wrong dose of Benedryl and I KNOW it wasn't much more, but it was still more than I usually give her that Poison Control Center is my friend.

Aaron tells me it's medical students or volunteer doctors giving their time and it is so worth it.

Even if it is just to have them laugh at me and tell me 18times more than the dose I gave would be when they worried.... probably not 18 times...  but 17 more lines than I gave.

The Funk Before...

I apparently really just have to get funkily down before I can get up and do stuff.

Things looking significantly better today. Dishes done... plans made to get notary stuff I've been putting off for over a YEAR done... all sorts of hope for lots of stuff done today...

Weight which was going up slowly after weaning, took a plateau and is going back down - that's good. I'm only a pound away from my goal (I was three pounds passed my goal heading steadily into ideal land then I weaned Jack).

We have heat. Amazing.

Stresses still out there:
no computer easily accessible for photoshop while Steve is gone
cars need finessing
some bills need paying - I'll get on that now... (got it, check)

To Sum Up

Bah. Humbug.

Ten Years since 1998, WHAT?!

We went out to Westmont for our college reunion.... Much fun ensued.

Let's see. I've already uploaded these pictures to snapfish AND facebook... one gets bored with one's own pictures... So I'll try to encapsulate the weekend with pictures TELLING the story...

Story ideas in posts?

Haunted Alphabet Pal

You know that catapiller with the letters on each foot?  Last night I stepped too close to it and it said "O"... then "O...O...O...O" (in a possibly raunchy toy way).  I moved it and it said, "Gee"

Now it just keeps saying "J"  

STOP TOYING WITH ME!!!!

Another Compilation

ooooh woe is me I am so behind on the blog.  In backwards order (as always):

Abby had her first sleepover at Auntie Samantha's house.  Auntie loves me and documented the time:

Abby in the elevator and wrapped up in every blanket and Samantha that Samantha owns:

Too Much Fun!  I messaged Samantha at around almost 10pm to ask if bedtime might be an idea sometime in the near future and she wrote back that it was none of my business.  Snort. Abby is very very very lucky.  

Soccer has been going fairly well.  Steve wants to build up Abby's stamina as he slips into his Father/Coach role.  Pretty dang sweet.  Abby thinks it's great he's there and has no problem with his coaching so far!

My sweetie still loves me.  
Abby still enjoying life in general
Micaiah's birth date birthday party:

Empty and Full

I am so so so so so so so so so unhappy.  Not in a 'my life is unfulfilling way' but in a 'I've had a bad day for two months straight' sort of way. 

Has every single moment been awful, have I been unable to see the beauty and wonderment and joy in my kids, my life, my hobbies? NO, of course not.  

In fact, it's been quite a test that my mom being so close is indeed SO important.  She's rescued me many times in the little household falling apart drama that is my attempt at being a stay at home mom.

You know, in my defense I always wanted to be a stay at home mom... not a homeMAKER... i.e. the dishes never really did fit in with my plans.  And hey, admit it, NONE of you thought I was going to do all that well with the food aspect of wivery and mommery.

Just think if I'd ended up single all my life how I would have let my food preferences reign.  It would have been scary.  I would have been on Oprah... with no help afterwards of course - just sent on home to eat my dry cheerios in peace.

Anyway, that's a bit of a tangent.

Point being I'm unhappy... but not without hope.  This is right around the time - 10 months after birth - that I got a handle on things when it was Abby crawling around - getting ready to walk.   My mom had organized THAT house and I'd finally really been empowered that everything did actually have a place and Abby could actually pick up her toys before bedtime as long as I started BEFORE bedtime.

My biggest problem I think is that I have a charming husband.  I haven't thought of him as charming per se in a while - he's Steve - great and cool and funny sure.  But yesterday when I was really really annoyed with everyone and everything - so much so that I was just going to HAVE to make a change- -he came home and charmed me right out of my bad mood.

Stinker.

Because then nothing changed (I mean, it was a nice family night and all) but nothing changed and I just got just as annoyed and frustrated when the day started again this morning... or should I say the night never ended.

My dearest boy Jack woke up every two hours.  Not really that awful considering what it could have been - but I got so FRUSTRATED that I couldn't sleep in the interim and literally went to sleep when I passed Jack off to Steve at 6am.  I then got to sleep until 7 people... I shouldn't be affected at all!  What am I thinking?

OH that's right, I'm thinking I have a HEADACHE.  And I have to work at the school tomorrow... and I'm still just plain CRANKY thats what I'm thinking.

Some funny things to take the edge off?  

Right at the moment Jack is sitting at my feet, under the table, silent (he's forgotten that he's in a bad mood) and is staring up at me like a lap dog.  

The first thing Jack does when let loose in any house is go looking for the bathroom to take a pleasure swim in the toilet - he has figured out that MOST houses are not so inconsiderate as his own in leaving the seat and the cover down to block his most serious attempt to splash in toilet water.

Another Jack thing - our tv has a blue light that if you wave your hand over it - it turns off or on.  Jack has learned this.  But doesn't connect what it does.  He just knows it does something and that he gets hollered at when he does it.  So yesterday he's up there real close watching Darby (his girlfriend) "think, think, think" when he turns off the tv.  He then looks back at me in total dismay.  I turn it back on, give him a stern lecture, and he does it again - this time he thinks it's ME punishing him.  He is ANGRY now.  Not my fault, I explain, but he doesn't seem to believe me.

Abby had a little painful bottom episode last week (try huge in the drama and screaming and panicking way) and we missed church.  I didn't think it would be cool if she started screaming in the middle of Sunday School.  So Steve and she run into her Sunday School teacher at Starbucks and honest Abby explains simply, "I wasn't at church school last week because I had a problem with my bottom."

If you ask Abby "what do you want to be when you grow up" you just stress her out (momma's little girl or what?) so she will usually respond to me, "I want to stay with you forever"... it's pretty cute.

She's also pretty honest when it comes to hygene - i.e. if my breath stinks.  She cringed away from me tonight when I gave her a kiss nigh-nigh and I said, "whoops, do I stink?" and she put her face right up to mine and said, "No mama, you don't stink.  you smell quite nice actually."

Oh, and another note on Jack.  I tried to vacuum the rug downstairs yesterday - knew it might be difficult as the loud jet propelled vacuum I have downstairs will certainly startle and frighten my ten month old baby.  Yeah, it was difficult all right.  Because Jack kept trying to climb the vacuum from the front.  He chased me around the rub trying to intercept the vacuum.   I did not want to run over him.  I don't know why... it just didn't seem right.... so I had to do this weird two step.  

Oh joy, it's almost 1am and Jack is still sitting wide awake freeing the diapers from their drawer.    He is cute.  Yes.  I know.  I'll concentrate on that.

Ornery... sorta trying not to be...

Maybe its the creative spirit in me coming out making me feel like I can be a moody artist.

Maybe it's still because I feel so lost without my routine.

Maybe it's because I'm exhausted and nothing seems right when I'm exhausted. Teething, how I hate you!