Weight and Time

I've gotten the Thanksgiving five pounds off, time to gain the Christmas five... or lose another five - you never can tell with my eating specialties if a lot of events is going to actually help me shed pounds as you all don't like to eat the same exact thing I do everyday and night.

Idiot says "I'll wear my boots to Disneyland" ?

So I thought I'd wear my boots to Disneyland.


Five blisters later.

I'm tired... and may not walk again.

Don't let me forget

I need to buy a historical art book...

Used Up

Eggs
Sugar
Flour
Vanilla
cocoa
veg oil

For some reason this gives me satisfaction - like usually I overstock. Now I'm Old Mother Hubbard.

One Year Ago...

OH I was so so so so so so tired of being huge and unable to climb stairs at a trot. I was so tired of waiting really.

I was anxiously trying to convince my body that the braxton hicks were really real labor, really they were - if you would just go on and progress already. Anger had been a fairly constant companion thru this pregnancy - unleashed inwardly as much as possible to keep from scarring loved ones with sudden bursts of temper about "why do you have to clean your teeth that way!!!?????"

I was trying not to be angry at Steve for insisting that sleep was both necessary and smart.

Then I dreamed of sharp stabbing pain. And finally woke up with it. And oh, all the waiting and the being huge and all the impatience went out the window. The pain took away all that.

But you know what took away even the stab of the pain? The idea that I was leaving my baby girl to go have another baby - and how would she feel? would she feel abandoned? replaced? Would she understand what was happening? Would she know how much I loved her and only her at that moment? (yes I loved baby Jack in utero but it's different - so hard to really visualize loving another human as much as Abby). How much, at that moment, I just wanted to shield her from life and morning.

I gave her five or six hugs and kisses, ignoring the pain, savoring her sweet and simple fear and that I made it go away enough (at least for that moment) for her to be happy for it to be time to say hi to Jack... She was heading into the unknown and felt it, but in the end, she was tired of waiting too. "Love you too Momma"...

And then those final seconds, making sure we had everything we needed for delivery - knowing this time there'd be plenty of time to ask people to bring anything we forgot post labor. Hugging Zoozy who'd woken up at the first ring and who rushed over in cute sweats and glasses.

And after all the impatience, that last feeling of, "Oh boy, wait a second... I'm not sure I'm ready for this." That last impulse to hang onto a piece of furniture - to the present and how things used to be.

But hey - that pain isn't getting any better, and I haven't' forgotten the impatience SO much that I don't want to go back to that place.

So off we went in our brand new car. Traveling in the dead of night the same road that in the bright morning we'd brought Abby home on.

That familiar excitement, tinged with oh yes this stabbing pain. And starting to get a little annoyed at Steve's excitement, because I know very well his isn't accompanied by stabbing pain... and couldn't he drive a little faster with a little less JOSTLING?

Wanting to cry and shout victorious and hug someone for reassurance all at the same time.

and praying of course. non stop... unceasing.

Gifts I've Thought About Getting Sarah (and Tim)

It's the couple's gifts dilemma. Tim doesn't want what I'm going to get Sarah - but Sarah REALLY wouldn't want what I'd get for Tim.

The problem with Sarah is that I sort of have a feel for her cool natural taste... but because it's quite a bit different from mine I have some fears...






I know what you're all thinking...

The wheels are perfect, right?

Oh, you were actually thinking "Doesn't Sarah read this blog?" Well, yes, but I'll get back to that.

The wheels are totally perfect... Well YEAH, but they are way too expensive, she'd be annoyed with me because if I just went to the dump I'd be able to find cool wheels - AND the littlest one which ties their composition together isn't available anyway.

I had the candles in my shopping cart for a while... but they seemed so NOT Tim at all... i.e. it would be like getting them a video game as a group gift.

Sigh.

As far as Sarah reading this - it's okay - I'm not going to get any of this... the ideas were just burning holes in my brain.

I also love...

this commercial



It helps that we are discovery channel junkies around here and our favorite people are in there.

Christmas is the what now?

So ... Christmas shopping... Luckily the fact that I have taken many hundreds of photos for friends means I don't have to worry about shopping for anyone beyond the immediate family. Unluckily, my immediate family constitutes a small army.

I like Christmas shopping. If I know what to get. I have lets see... 8 of you done. I have... let's see 9 of you left. 2 of you I have plans for. 3 more of you are fairly easy to shop for. 1 of you is deceptively hard to shop for. And the last 3? Men of course.

P.S. Zoozy? Abby picked your present.

It's a Beautiful Life...

I cry everytime the Monday Night promotion for TLC comes on - with this song (I'll find it on itunes) and all the big families playing around in slow-mo...

Sigh...

Loss and Gain

Okay, future Jack if you read this - please first and foremost realize that I am totally and completely in love with you in the most ardent and appropriate motherly ways. You smile and it lights up my day, you cry and I want to kiss your ears off, you walk and I squeal with glee - it's pathetic, absolutely pathetic how much I adore you.

That being said. The last two nights have been tough - but I've had a good attitude throughout because Jack's sickness showed me how Steve and I can get through an impossible night in shifts without either of us being totally wasted the next day. So even though Jack getting used to his crib again (he couldn't sleep in there at all when he was sick - he couldn't sleep laying down!) has been long and arduous and repetitive - it's also been rewarding. I've gotten him to the point where all I have to whisper is "lay down" and he'll lay down and go back to sleep (3 times out of 4 he'll look up in three minutes to check if I'm still there - that's what we're working on next). I really am happy with not being crazy angry and just repressing it. I'm genuinely relaxed and positive even the thirtieth time I go back into Jack's room.

Anyway, first night was impossible. Second night was great until 1-3, but otherwise still great for Jack. But of course I was still catching up from the night before and of course this night of all nights Abby gets sick. It just happens that way.

So Abby was throwing up or on the verge when I had just put Jack down and actually threw up about an hour after I finally got to sleep when Jack was in Daddy's shift. So I got no sleep.

Steve, being the saint he is, took Jack into the office (saints that they are) so I could dose in between Abby's cries of abdominal pain (which I did, shockingly enough). My mom, saint that she is, then took Abby for some time so I could play with Jack and not be worried of cross contamination and then tripled her sainthood by offering to take Jack for the night considering he sleeps all night for HER and we're probably going to be up cleaning up after Abby tonight.

And believe it or not I have not gotten to the actual point of this post yet.

The point is, Abby, though miserable, and asleep most of the night has been... precious in a way I haven't noticed her being precious in a long long time. Not that she hasn't been - but this is a special way - this is the "it's just the three of us" way.

She woke up from her nap happy but wanting to cuddle. I showed her the video I'd gotten her to watch during the day home from school and she hugged me. Steve told her I'd gotten it for her to make her feel good and she just sighed and said, "I love you Mommy." then she whispered in my ear, "Tell this to Daddy - tell him I love him too."

Then a second or two later, she whispers to me, "I'm going to go over there (two feet) show him this video you got me."

It's a subtle thing. A sweet thing. And I think a real thing. I wouldn't trade Jack for anything OBVIOUSLY. But I wouldn't trade all the time it was 'just the three of us' for anything either.

If I Die Before I Wake...

And the coroner notices a large chunk of my nasal wall missing - I was not the victim of some subtle torture - I just neglected to trim Jack's fingernails before he oh so cutely showed me where my nose was and ... well... you get the idea.

Thanksgiving 2008

No, Wesley wasn't with us for Thanksgiving - but isn't this such a Happy, Lovey, Family sort of picture? He loves EVERYONE!

Thanksgiving was great. Really great. Jack walking around like a toy soldier who falls alot was just adorable - though he's such an exploring climber we're going to have to lash him to a deck chair to keep him from climbing off the balcony next year. Oh - we'll be in the house next year, so that shouldn't be a problem. Phew.

Abby was... simply Abby. I mean, I know everyone has a soft spot for their kids - and its not like there wasn't any whining or hyperactivity or kicking Auntie in the face while she was sleeping - but as I watched her this weekend, she required so little reminders of politeness and sweetness. She's a good kid just naturally.

Micaiah and Abby spent most of their waking moments together.


Even though his natural state is constant motion:



And hers is contemplating the emotion of the world:



Steve and I came into the weekend with no sleep and our basic expections low low low. Every night Jack would scream and scream and scream and then it would be like his fever broke at 5am and he'd sleep and play and eat a little. Then he'd throw it up and we'd start the day all over. So even though he seemed to be a bit more himself Tuesday morning, we weren't too hopeful. But he slept the ENTIRE way to Coronado and was almost himself from then on out. Well - that first night wasn't great before bedtime, but after that. He had long naps, he slept great with Gramma, he played and laughed and went after the dvd player with a vengeance.

Steve and I ended up having kid free sleep as Abby slept with Zoozy and Auntie every night- now how awesome is that?
We started the weekend Tuesday so it was more than Thankgiving, it really was like a vacation. We had our annual Football game which deserves it's own post of pictures.
We ate a lot of junk food and a lot of good food.
We hung out with a lot of family.
We stayed up late with them (Abby and Jack were both asleep with me on the couch one night).
My mom and I got a ton done on our Christmas project.
Abby told all the girls the story of "Wizard, Wizard of Oz" and "The Little Mermaid" in their entirety.



Tim and Sarah hijacked my camera
Noni had a growth spurt
The kids looked absolutely adorable in their outfits and their "silly faces"

I edited and posted the Cunningham AND Fields photo sessions.
Marysue cut off the heads of two dead pheasants

We learned Jack is a leg man (was mesmerized by the Rockettes)

We went to a movie in two groups of 5 to accomodate the kids (translation so my mom and I could both go to the same movie)
Tim and David came to fist a' cuffs... literally.We shared a laugh over gaucamole
Tim found a new quick and easy way to update the nav system with directions
I forgot to send the camera with the other group so their adventure will live on only in their hearts
We just had a very pleasant, uneventful time.

My sort of time.

Whoo.

Oh, hey, forgot one last thing - We realized Jack loves to play the Kazoo

People! He's not a Beast!

Abby's love and flair for stories and the dramatic just continue to give me unending joy.

Sunday she was watching Beauty and the Beast (she's been singing "Bomb Jor" all day) and when it came to the part where the mob is going to go after the Beast she cried (with much emotion, but not quite real - i.e. she was inserting herself in the story) "People! No! He's not a Beast! Really! Listen to me! It's just a spell. I know he looks like a Beast but its the rose!"

She is also very into organizing her dresses. Today she spent hours taking them all off their designated hooks (she knows exactly which dress goes where and if she can't find one she leaves that hook - the same hook everytime - empty) in her closet and finding hangers for them, arranging them all onto hangers then on my bed, then on my bedroom door, then in her room and finally back onto the hooks (with hangers now).

I found out today that the hangers are color - coordinated to the dress. Proof for nature vs nuture eh?

When Doves Cry...

Holy Crud. Jack was sick last week. And you'd think our house had crumbled to the ground.

Jack does not take being sick well. He is pretty mad about the whole thing. Colic? Never had to deal with it... but I finally get it. HOURS of crying - nothing helped. Steve and I set up shifts. I'd sleep until midnight, then take the midnight to 5am shift, then Steve would get up with Jack for the rest of the morning. That's IF I wasn't insane by 4am in which case Steve got an hour LESS of sleep.

Then God gave us Thanksgiving. And Jack was on his way up. He slept three nights with Gramma mostly because two of those nights he slept all the way thru the night with her. So, ha! Guess what? She got a bonus night.

I can't say that I have enough presence of mind to think of the past and miss Jack's smile and his laugh, but oh how much more I appreciate those things and him, his non-sick personality, now that they are back with full force.

I love this boy. Even though he's crying right now (he really, like Abby, would rather sleep with a loved one, thank you very much). Last night, as I kept him in his crib he would just hold my hand and if he started to get up I'd remind him I leave the room when he gets up, so he'd lay back down. It was cute. It was 3:30-5am but it was cute all the same.

Organization

I feel its impossible to explain to you organized types how someone as naturally messy as myself can feel that things that are too ordered cut off my ability to concentrate where as a bit of disorder and freedom seem the most strictly in order and the most satisfying to work with.

The picture above is an example of my current photo working process. Rating and sorting photos as I scan through them. Yes, I'm aware there is fantastic software out there that would do the same thing - but it wouldn't you see. When I write it out I have instant access to my own decisions, if the frame right behind the one I wrote is better, then I cross it off, no having to unsort or unrate or search thru the different buckets to figure out why I rated what.

It's might panic a few of you - but that's okay. It soothes me. I've tried a lot of methods (yes the technology ones) and this is the first thing that makes me happy rather than overwhelmed and lost.

I imagine when I've got my own studio and assistants, they'll tell the documentary folk about what a convoluted system it is, but how it seems to work for me. They'll think I've got a bit of genius to me... yes, I think this method suits me fine.

Men in Black Realization

"Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow."

No, I haven't been thinking of aliens... vampires - yeah but that's neither here nor there.

What I do keep thinking about is my own version of that quote.

I was looking through my photography blog posts trying to find a top ten of sorts that I can give to Steve for the soon to be launched brightwatersphotography.com. And I realized just how errr young my photography pursuit is. It didn't upset me but it made me look at my current work vs my older work (less than a year ago) and what popped into my head was "wow, just imagine a year from now how sucky my work from today will be..."

Thats a positive thing in case you think I'm in need of encouragement - its not that - I love what I've been doing - so to hope that I look back and find it rough and amateur of my style would be great.

And there will always be pictures I take that are beyond me for my own level - for instance my first two baby shoots - I got tremendous eyes - I'm either slipping on that or I dunno... haven't had the right set of circumstances again.

It's an exciting thought... onwards and upwards...

Abby Quote

So Abby was going to sleep last night and she said, "Momma, there's one more thing I have to tell you. Today... in school... we read, we read, we read a book... and the author was, was, was someone named... ABBY. (she pauses, realizes she needs to clarify) Not me. Another Abby!)

And it's Mogurt in the Lead...

Ahhh, okay, we're movin' a little bit now.

Granted as facebook and twitter kill the need for blogs, I understand - but I still like the blog form...

P.S. There is not too much cuter than a snoring baby.

It doesn't seem to be...

Just me.

My "who's blogged most recently" contest seems to have become a tortoise race. Er hmm. No offense.

Oh dear, Oh dear, Oh dear,

(That's a quote by the way, Abby trying to find something)

One of the pictures I'm pretty sure I lost was of Abby reading a magazine - that's her thing right now - she LOVES magazines. An idea for any of you out there looking for Christmas gifts for her.

She has also discovered The Wizard of Oz and is hilarious about it.

Jack is currently stumbling toward me and mumbling like a drunken sailor - I must give him smootches. Back later...