Adrea's Head Shrinking #1

So, I've been thinking of going to counseling a lot. What has stopped me is mostly just time priorities in that I have a lot I want to do in my "Free" time (in quotes because in order for me to have free time, someone else has to take the hot seat of being responsible for the kids - so it rarely feels free, it feels like an imposition even when the babysitters do love the kids as much as I do). Some of those things I want to do are duties and some are purely selfish and counseling seemed to fall in the in between category.

The sleep deprivation was the straw that broke the camel's back in actually getting a name and getting a move on. Even though Aaron's suggestion of Benedryl (backed up by okay by OB) worked wonders. I took one pill last week and all went well - then either because my mind was no longer as stressed at bedtime allowing me to sleep or my body was reminded of how this sort of thing is done - either way I've been having minimal sleep issues and have not gone to the Benedryl again. AS the week progressed it's been getting slightly worse. So maybe the Benedryl will be a weekly thing.

Anyway there was that and this book we're reading in my little family women's group Marysue got together. We're reading "How People Grow" which is not exactly light reading (you sort of have to tough your way thru all the psychology / theology definitions of the first third of the book), but it's been fascinating because it has been pretty convicting on some of the character patterns I use to avoid issues or to avoid ... I dunno... things.

One of the things that keeps popping up to *me* is the idea that while I may be very very open - I am not particularly comfortable or willingly vulnerable.

Now, in my little childish defensive mind I feel like I have tried or that I try to try and I pin it on other people not to recognize either that I need more than a passing response to whatever I was being vulnerable about or... I don't know what you poor people do to be blamed, but mostly I blame you ;).

Anyway, so this blog is a good example. While I think it is appropriate to be careful what you broadcast all over the world (whether or no anyone is interested in finding or reading the blog), I also see a marked difference from the beginning, how I was able to be more myself to now. Was that JUST because I told more people? Probably it started out that way. But now I actually do find it difficult to sit down and just be a bit more vulnerable.

What changed? A lot of things probably - but for one, I'm pregnant, therefore my hormones are all wacky and therefore things like being vulnerable are going to be wacky.

There have been a lot of friend up and downs and I think one of my biggest revelations is that those have really changed how I am friends with people. See, I say that, but I don't know if I mean it. I think I always was like this, and maybe for a little while I wasn't, then when that ended I was again. AND my LIFE has changed drastically, helping to push friendships under the boat (not under the bus, under the BOAT like sinking, towed along)... i.e. perhaps it has nothing to do with other people and more to do with the fact that I just haven't figured out how to be vulnerable when all of life is focused so much on babies and kids and dishes that haven't been done appointments that haven't been made...

Darn - I should have written down all the things I wanted to work on. Appointments!!! Making appointments for business, health, or fun STRESS ME OUT. What if that's not the exact right hour? Sure it looks fine just sitting there on the calender but what if when the day comes, the perfect hour was an hour earlier or later? What if making this appointment at this particular time ruins EVERYONE's day or shoot? That seems like an abnormal phobia to have. I'll mention it next time.

So I went to see this therapist and she was very nice and I like her and she gave me homework. But knowing me I really can't process all of what all this might mean without writing it down. Handy, huh, that that was the homework.

And I thought one exercise I could do was a be a bit more vulnerable here. Not goin' crazy here, just... enough so I don't feel like I sound crippled emotionally.

So, my first assignment (Which I will do offline thank you very much) is to write down the messages that stick out to me either from childhood or now. Whatever stresses me out - simple example: one of the things that stresses me out most about having a third child isn't worrying about their emotional well being or health (I certainly hope and pray that is all perfect), it's things like - getting three kids in and out of the car. Feeling large and cumbersome and just weighed down both physically and emotionally as I try to keep them all well behaved, safe, AND somehow also a little happy.

One of the things that made that better a few months ago was moving the car in the garage, but with the construction downstairs I haven't really been able to do that recently, so I've forgotten that I basically have half of that dilemma solved.

Anyway so the assignment would be dissecting exactly WHAT I am thinking about when I'm thinking that is going to be so awful. I'm not sure there's a deep answer at all - what jumps to mind is just the physical labor - the sweat, the cramped quarters, the stuff on the floor and in my hands.

This also has a "will be somewhat solved" tag on it because the body I'm imagining being mine during all his is my outrageously pregnant current self. Of course at least when I actually have the three kids to maneuver I will not have a basketball belly in the way or a third more blood flowing through my veins or any number of other discomforts that come with pregnancy.

But what has very quickly pervaded my mind when trying to dredge up messages I'm consciously or not consciously attached to is ... OOOOOOOOH Lord... what messages am I right now giving my kids?

One message, as I shared once, was that naptime of the baby is more important than everything and anyone and that sucked. I've lightened up, but still... I shush Abby during Jack's naps.

Another is that we love her a ridiculous amount. Is that message one that is really really going to stay with her and stick? Is it too vague and taken for granted?

Food messages, ahhh poor Abby and food messages. We never talk about how she can't eat the entire cake because she'll get fat - only because it will make her sick or not make her healthy. Still... she is SO into food, I'm sure we're screwing up the message plenty.

And Jack - you can do anything you want, just let me finish this email? Hmmm. that's not good.

ON a random note - my kid's smiles and laughs are pretty much the greatest things ever.

So... that is Head Shrinking #1