Famous Last Words

So, I had an OB appt scheduled for Wednesday Sept 2 - I would be 34 weeks. He's out of town so they called just now to reschedule. As we talked she realized they were booked up all the next week and so she put me on Sept 14 (Abby's birthday!! Whoo!!). That's all fine - thats like 35.5 weeks. Still plenty of time. Mind you Abby was Due Oct 1 - so what does that make her? 2.5 weeks early? (you remember, we went into the doc for our OB appt and the doc said, oh you've still got quite a ways to go and then we had Abby three days later?) Still no problem, plenty of time.

But it was the "How many weeks are you?" I answer. She says, "So, you're not going to be delivering anytime soon." And I roll my eyes, way to JINX me lady. I don't want a baby TOO early. I don't want him to be late either, but I want him healthy and fat.

Deep Breaths...

You all are doing great scheduling your shoots. I'm really excited that I'll be filling up my pre-baby time with shoots for many reasons.
One, because I really do enjoy my work, especially when I do it well.
Two, because I am going to use the proceeds to buy Abby, Jack and Finn Christmas presents. Three, it is a pretty cool way to distract myself from the fact that I will have gained like twice as much weight as either of my two pregnancies... combined... okay, maybe that's an exaggeration.
Four, it means I don't have to miss out on being a photographer for Christmas season.

For those of you who want to wait until November or December for a Christmas Card photoshoot with me, here are a few things I've been thinking about. Firstly, I do plan on working weekends only. Short, local shoots only. My rate will increase slightly and I may or may not have a baby strapped to me. :) If you're good with all of that, I'm excited to still be doing what I love to do. I will not pigeon hole myself too early though. I can't guarantee I'll be able to do all this shooting post baby - that is the biggest downside to anyone who wants to work with me to waiting - I just don't know for sure how I will be, how the baby will be and how everyone else around the baby will be :). Family comes first, and this is a pretty unique time in my life. So I'll still want to get a date on the calender, but it will be with a caveat that you can't sue me if I have to cancel post-baby.

I had two shoots this weekend. Both were very nice, very inspiring, and just made me more excited to work more.

As I peruse my calender though, it also makes me realize I need to be more conscious and diligent about the time I'm spending with my kiddos when I'm just in charge of being mom. So often I put off the fun stuff until the weekend or until I "get this done" and that just isn't going to work the more I could be trying to "get done."

I have two shoots scheduled for the coming weekend. Sunday is still open - it wasn't previously. Contact me soooooon about pricing if you want to grab it - afternoon/sunset is what I'm thinking.

Adrea's Head Shrinking #1

So, I've been thinking of going to counseling a lot. What has stopped me is mostly just time priorities in that I have a lot I want to do in my "Free" time (in quotes because in order for me to have free time, someone else has to take the hot seat of being responsible for the kids - so it rarely feels free, it feels like an imposition even when the babysitters do love the kids as much as I do). Some of those things I want to do are duties and some are purely selfish and counseling seemed to fall in the in between category.

The sleep deprivation was the straw that broke the camel's back in actually getting a name and getting a move on. Even though Aaron's suggestion of Benedryl (backed up by okay by OB) worked wonders. I took one pill last week and all went well - then either because my mind was no longer as stressed at bedtime allowing me to sleep or my body was reminded of how this sort of thing is done - either way I've been having minimal sleep issues and have not gone to the Benedryl again. AS the week progressed it's been getting slightly worse. So maybe the Benedryl will be a weekly thing.

Anyway there was that and this book we're reading in my little family women's group Marysue got together. We're reading "How People Grow" which is not exactly light reading (you sort of have to tough your way thru all the psychology / theology definitions of the first third of the book), but it's been fascinating because it has been pretty convicting on some of the character patterns I use to avoid issues or to avoid ... I dunno... things.

One of the things that keeps popping up to *me* is the idea that while I may be very very open - I am not particularly comfortable or willingly vulnerable.

Now, in my little childish defensive mind I feel like I have tried or that I try to try and I pin it on other people not to recognize either that I need more than a passing response to whatever I was being vulnerable about or... I don't know what you poor people do to be blamed, but mostly I blame you ;).

Anyway, so this blog is a good example. While I think it is appropriate to be careful what you broadcast all over the world (whether or no anyone is interested in finding or reading the blog), I also see a marked difference from the beginning, how I was able to be more myself to now. Was that JUST because I told more people? Probably it started out that way. But now I actually do find it difficult to sit down and just be a bit more vulnerable.

What changed? A lot of things probably - but for one, I'm pregnant, therefore my hormones are all wacky and therefore things like being vulnerable are going to be wacky.

There have been a lot of friend up and downs and I think one of my biggest revelations is that those have really changed how I am friends with people. See, I say that, but I don't know if I mean it. I think I always was like this, and maybe for a little while I wasn't, then when that ended I was again. AND my LIFE has changed drastically, helping to push friendships under the boat (not under the bus, under the BOAT like sinking, towed along)... i.e. perhaps it has nothing to do with other people and more to do with the fact that I just haven't figured out how to be vulnerable when all of life is focused so much on babies and kids and dishes that haven't been done appointments that haven't been made...

Darn - I should have written down all the things I wanted to work on. Appointments!!! Making appointments for business, health, or fun STRESS ME OUT. What if that's not the exact right hour? Sure it looks fine just sitting there on the calender but what if when the day comes, the perfect hour was an hour earlier or later? What if making this appointment at this particular time ruins EVERYONE's day or shoot? That seems like an abnormal phobia to have. I'll mention it next time.

So I went to see this therapist and she was very nice and I like her and she gave me homework. But knowing me I really can't process all of what all this might mean without writing it down. Handy, huh, that that was the homework.

And I thought one exercise I could do was a be a bit more vulnerable here. Not goin' crazy here, just... enough so I don't feel like I sound crippled emotionally.

So, my first assignment (Which I will do offline thank you very much) is to write down the messages that stick out to me either from childhood or now. Whatever stresses me out - simple example: one of the things that stresses me out most about having a third child isn't worrying about their emotional well being or health (I certainly hope and pray that is all perfect), it's things like - getting three kids in and out of the car. Feeling large and cumbersome and just weighed down both physically and emotionally as I try to keep them all well behaved, safe, AND somehow also a little happy.

One of the things that made that better a few months ago was moving the car in the garage, but with the construction downstairs I haven't really been able to do that recently, so I've forgotten that I basically have half of that dilemma solved.

Anyway so the assignment would be dissecting exactly WHAT I am thinking about when I'm thinking that is going to be so awful. I'm not sure there's a deep answer at all - what jumps to mind is just the physical labor - the sweat, the cramped quarters, the stuff on the floor and in my hands.

This also has a "will be somewhat solved" tag on it because the body I'm imagining being mine during all his is my outrageously pregnant current self. Of course at least when I actually have the three kids to maneuver I will not have a basketball belly in the way or a third more blood flowing through my veins or any number of other discomforts that come with pregnancy.

But what has very quickly pervaded my mind when trying to dredge up messages I'm consciously or not consciously attached to is ... OOOOOOOOH Lord... what messages am I right now giving my kids?

One message, as I shared once, was that naptime of the baby is more important than everything and anyone and that sucked. I've lightened up, but still... I shush Abby during Jack's naps.

Another is that we love her a ridiculous amount. Is that message one that is really really going to stay with her and stick? Is it too vague and taken for granted?

Food messages, ahhh poor Abby and food messages. We never talk about how she can't eat the entire cake because she'll get fat - only because it will make her sick or not make her healthy. Still... she is SO into food, I'm sure we're screwing up the message plenty.

And Jack - you can do anything you want, just let me finish this email? Hmmm. that's not good.

ON a random note - my kid's smiles and laughs are pretty much the greatest things ever.

So... that is Head Shrinking #1

Jack loves Abby

The GAME

Steve being artsy:




This IS a cute game. However, it does have it's pitfalls - like for instance the fact that Jack has no fear or self-preservation while playing:


It is also exhausting as Jack will not... EVER... get tired of it. And will give you THIS face if you stop:

Must be A Trashy Day

Just noticed James' post on his trash company adventures and thought, "what a coincidence!"

Two Tuesdays ago one of our two huge trash cans disappeared on trash day. I was pretty sure no one, not even teenage hooligans or random Satanists meandering down our street would have stolen it, and cans have come and gone before thru our trash company - usually for the betterment of everyone involved.

I finally called today. The very nice lady looks me up. Oh she says, they have begun "systematically taking the cans" from our street.

Huh?

The City of Altadena apparently has had complaints about the size and noise and general manner of Allied Waste's trucks and certain streets are now going to be serviced by one guy in a little truck with a dumpter on the front, so the cans have to be small enough for him to manage. And of course our nice huge company given ones are not.

So... you were just going to take my other can one day too and not tell me? I ask, confused.

Oh, well, you see, because Altadena allows multiple vendors they couldn't send out a citywide notice.

Weird, I didn't ask if the city of Altadena was going to tell me, see because YOU actually ARE aware that I'm your customer and you even have my address. Heck, you visit me weekly.

SO, since we have to buy our own trash cans now (long suffering sigh, the big ones were soooooo very nice), we're switching to the people that recycle for you. Athens I think, I'll double check.

Abby: Peacemaker, Candymaker

When I went to a few therapy sessions while pregnant with Jack the therapist asked what MY reaction was when my mom got stressed - I had, of course, thrown her under the bus as a possible model for my anxiety. Don't worry mom, I LIKE our anxiety. It makes us special.

Anyway, I couldn't totally remember, but boy do I see Abby responding to mine. She goes into peacemaking or 'trying to make it better' mode - not sure how to say that in one word. She pats my arm and tells me "Don't worry, Mom, it'll be okay." She may get frustrated with me at times about it, but still will use this consoling, calming tone. So sad. Next time I go into therapy I'm going to ask how to help her not feel she needs to do this. Because more often than not, NOW she's doing it when I'm trying to rush her out of the house and it has nothing to do with me being overly anxious.

Though. Sad. My mom and I went to a little lecture from some big name child psychologist and she asked everyone to promise never to use the words, 'hurry up' or 'come on' or other rushing words because kids aren't wired to rush and it stresses everyone out when we try to force them. But dang it - it's HARD... I'm just going to have to rush my kids now and then. I WILL however be conscious of the problem and try harder to get us started earlier or what have you... though you know... sometimes... it's just a cross they'll have to bear sometimes.

ANYWAY even when my mom and I or Steve and I are making fun of each other - mock fighting or whatever, Abby will pipe up, "I love you BOTH!" or "Don't worry Mom, Jack thinks you're funny some of the time." or "Jack still loves you when he's tired." or just plain, "Guys, be nice."

SO that's my little peacemaker. Jack doesn't seem to care much at all about joking or non-joking tension whereas Abby used to pick it up easily at this age and younger.

She is ALSO wildly into making candy or possibly anything desert oriented? And NO not just for the obvious reason of eating it. Steve taped a Modern Marvels (History Channel) on Candymaking I'd say... a year ago? Maybe less? Abby asks for it consistently and watches it over and over - fascinated and wanting to visit all the factories they show on the show. She never asks us to go buy the candy or anything like that - she's just fascinated with how it's made. I think she'd love it if we DID try to make some, but we'll save that up.

She loves Ace of Cakes too. I don't know why we don't just spend more time watching cooking shows - I don't think she's AS interested in cooking all food.

Oh Baby, Baby

So we id the 3-d ultrasound thing for Finn this Friday... and got about... a two and a half second look at his face.

He had his hands - BOTH hands - in his face the entire time - mostly chomping down on his fingers. Wouldn't you know the mom who hates, detests, worries over, moans through her kid's teething is probably going to have a baby teething in utero... and don't tell me maybe it'll be over quicker... because it won't. Nothing makes teething better in this household. Nothing but burnt fudge for mommy.

Somehow the ultrasound lady got a picture of that face ... though for all I know she has a stash of other baby photos she can sneakily stash in there in cases like this.

He looks pretty cute from the one moment we saw him. I always find the 3-d sessions awkward - like it's the only way I really really connect that there is a solid little baby in there - AND he has a totally independent life going on in my very own body. Who knows how long that day he'd been sucking on his fingers? But did I have any idea? No! And now, what's he doing now do you suppose? I don't have any clue. Just some bumping and thumping prove he's there, but as to what he's doing there - it could be a kegger or some such craziness. BUT it's also nice to put a face to the HUGE belly bulge that has become my stomach.

He looks pretty dang chubby already if you ask me - but according to the emails babycenter sends me every week he's only a little over 3 pounds.

Abby, my sensitive girl, was bouncing off the walls being generally... hmmm... adolescent most of the time but then we had her try to tell Finn to move his hands already. And wouldn't you know he responded. She has a way with boys, my Abby does. BUT we kept having her yell things at him through my stomach and at one point the ultrasound lady pointed out he had started crying. Which no one ELSE connected to Abby, but Abby sure did. She put her hands over her mouth and ran back to her seat and refused to talk to the tummy again "in case - I don't want to hurt his feelings again".

I really really feel now that she's entering an awkward phase - just like - can't quite control her energy or doesn't really get when she's being funny vs. when she's going to be shushed. Heartbreak of all heartbreak - I also can't tell 100% of the time when she's being dramatically upset just to be upset and when she's genuinely moved. She will do the whole "I'm going to make myself cry" routine which our response is "Stop. Stop, or go ahead and go to your room to cry." But sometimes, I won't realize something has hit her and for example today when told to stop crying (we don't like YELL this or anything - we're just trying to stop the train of thought/the kinetic motion almost) she said, through sniffles, "I'm trying, I just can't."

OH just sock me in the gut, I'm going to have that moment replaying in my head for years. Of course a hug and long talk are then in order.

And then there is Jack. Who, on the one hand, keeps thrusting "Baby" at me (whether it be the huge punch-a-penquin he has or a baby doll) and stands back expectantly wanting me to pat and comfort the baby. If I put the "baby" down he gets annoyed, picks it up and gives it back to me. On the other hand, the boy wants nothing to do with anything if it's not a ball. And a hoop would make it better... and by the way - a hoop off the ground would really be something... He waits expectantly under the basket for someone to lift him high so that he can dunk the ball... AND he also likes to hold onto the rim and swing. Poppa was taught this game when he was the only one strong enough to oblige.

Jack babbles and babbles and babbles -telling us ALL sorts of things, often emphatically which we don't understand. But boy is it obvious he understands us. When he had his grip on Gramma in our house and she started mentioning it was time to go back to her place he prompted "Cat" and she said "Yes, Gramma has a cat, we can see the cat" and then he prompted, "Car." and she said "Yes, we'll go in Gramma's car." These are the two things she most often highlights when trying to tell him when we're going to her house.

He is slowly, slowly becoming less of a koala. Whenever possible I do NOT carry him. And he is so proud of himself when he's walking so proud.

He loves Abby and Abby loves him. She'll clown around for him and he'll grab her by the ears or the hair to give her a passionate hug, then insist that she carry him around. Let's hope Finn can get some love too.

Those are the babies at the moment in this house.

I am done done done being pregnant, but have a LOT to do before the baby comes, so I suppose there isn't much to be done but not pay attention to the fact that I'm done and just pretend I'm not worried that the belly is very shortly going to be big enough to swallow me whole.

Abby was an Elephant, I am not all here...

gh
To add to Abby's fun filled summer, she had another week of ballet camp. Wherein she was "a super cute elephant." As per most of her summer activities, this was the best week ever. Of course - now gymnastics is the best ever...
Where have I been?

I've entered a new realm of sleep deprivation. Scrapbooking would still probably work most of the time, but it's no longer a guarantee - nothing is. I started months ago with like ten push ups a night to get my "twitches" (restless leg syndrome) out. After a while that wasn't enough - so I did the buns & thighs section of Winsor Pilates. That consistently worked for about three weeks. Then that wasn't enough, I'm not at the point that I do about 40-60 push ups, pilates, yoga poses, and some of the new strength reps from the Wii and THEN take a shower to even have a chance at sleep. Mind you, I've already done a 45 minute Wii workout during the day/evening so it's not like I can just exercise earlier. No, it has to be RIGHT in the middle of the night to help at all. I'm usually doing this a 1 or 2... or maybe 3 or 4 in the morning. About 5am I can sleep without these crutches. Aren't I lucky?

The thing about sleep deprivation is that my mind is not fully functioning enough to realize or complete certain things that might make a positive change. For example Jack is 99.9% of the time a consistent napper. I *could* nap when he naps. But when I was pregnant Jack I got into that habit and gave up on sleep and I felt like that wasn't brilliant. However, at this point, I need ANY sleep. So, that's the first step I can make.

Children Labor

Abby and Jack thoroughly enjoyed helping Daddy wash the cars. It did double Daddy's work, but he didn't seem to mind either.

To the Unsung Parking Lot Designer

I don't think I often... or even seldom... okay- maybe once or twice have I specifically noticed that a parking lot was well laid out. But boy, I sure notice when it's awful.

On the Subject of Season Finale Cliffhangers

In Plain Sight - love it, have no particular issue with the season finale cliffhanger (better stop now if you don't want to know who gets shot - though that is not the cliffhanger) that aired tonight.
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Have I left enough space for Google Reader people to stop?
Probably not
It doesn't show spaces does it
It just clumps it all together?

Well

I tried...







So the main character, Mary, gets shot. She is in the hospital of course for the cliffhanger ending - everyone is waiting and no shooter has been apprehended.

This does no stress me out overly much because she's the main character - if they put her in this position because there were contract fights or whatever then the show will be over - that is not the vibe I got (the announcer cheerfully said 'new episodes of In Plain Site coming this Spring). What would stress me out would be Marshall shot since who knows - as the second main character, maybe the actor pulls a Sharona ("Monk"'s first handler) and out out out he goes. Especially since he was ALREADY shot in the first season... so another would be overkill and might mean something ominous like him leaving the show.

So in this instance, the worst case scenario is that it was actually the cop guy who shot her by accident and that yes it's all much ado about nothing and maybe he leaves and maybe he doesn't and while I like him fine I have no particular desperate need for him to stay. They probably want more enemies for Mary in the police to create more tension. But we don't KNOW that's what happened - but certainly if there are clues in the episode then that is our only option. I would actually love it if it was out of the blue someone else. I.E. some kid from a window no one saw, I don't KNOW...

It's just... I'm not worried this is a "jump the shark" kind of instance - it's just that I feel like shows nowadays use up their really really really big scenarios too quickly. Maybe you're never sure how long your show is going to last, so they figure it's best to give the audience what they want - the biggest possible emotional drama to keep them glued to the couch.

But here she is shot - she was very nearly dead in the last season finale, kidnapped though not shot... so where to go from here? Every season finale has to top itself? If so - she's going to be shot MORE next year - maybe by someone we hate - so that will add to the drama? Or just walk away? Certainly that's a stressful Season Finale - cuz we never know what we're supposed to do with that.

And just in general isn't it a huge deal if an officer's weapon has been fired? So wouldn't we already know asap that the detective shot at all...

You Can Tell

You can tell that I'm pregnant when my first response to anyone calling my name is:

"WHAT?!!"

Children 2: Daddy Zip

For April

if she wants. I love this picture on their "babymoon" because it feels iconic or something for vacation/couplehood etc, but I wanted to lighten it up and play with it - no April did not ask me to. Because she SHOULD use it in the baby album (not my version necessarily - but the picture).

Collections

First off, I am writing to tell you (politely - Abby stressed I had to do it politely) that Abby would like a collection of things for her birthday. What do you want a collection of? I ask naively. She doesn't know. When pressed, she decided notebooks. Like pretty or fun notebooks. This is actually quite a good idea because she loves to draw and write notes so ... for once, I agree.

Secondly, I am writing to tell you I've decided IIIII want a collection of postcards (pause here while I go check on my mother who has fallen backwards in numb unhappiness or rage that I want to obtain clutter). I stumbled upon this post here and even though she admits to nothing much interesting in the box she was given... it makes me itch with desire to look through a similar stack.

Not Optimistic

I dreamed of death - a lot of death... odd death and unexpected death...

I hate Teeth

Night three of Jack clinging to my neck for dear life as he shrieks... I think this is his last tooth though... for a while anyway.

Though ironically this time I tried to surrender and just let him in my bed to cuddle early on - but he wouldn't settle and I put him back in the crib and he slept the rest of the night.

Lame but True

I know, I KNOW, I know... okay? So before you start to roll your eyes at me and shake your head and mutter under your breath, I KNOW. Really. I do.

BUT

It's really difficult not to get discouraged when the little dot and weight line on the body test on Wii Fit keeps going up and up even though I'm working out. And it's not just the Wii, I've been doing consistent exercise for about a month and a half. Sigh. I suppose that isn't very long... and YES, I KNOW, I'm pregnant. I don't want to like LOSE a bunch of weight. I just want to maintain sort of because I know I had a good ten pounds of extra weight to START with on this pregnancy, and I'm absolutely sure that everything I've gained hasn't been strictly baby related.

I mean I'm not depressed about it. I'm just admitting to being disappointed when the little body index meter says what it says.

Snort - by the WAY - what is UP with the Wii voice saying "Oh!" when I step on the balance board?? Is this just like living in a Garfield comic where the bathroom scale is passive aggressive? Even if I can't exercise when I get back from the hospital I am going to get back on the Wii Fit to do the body test. Oh Lord, I just realized something depressing. I'm probably going to be about the weight I was when I started this whole thing when I get back from the hospital with normal weight gain. BAH.

Hmmm, maybe if I knew what this baby was going to be named I could concentrate more on him than on how incredibly HUGE my butt is.

12 weeks or whatever I have left is just a really long time. And I've basically stopped sleeping again and I'm basically all caught up on scrapbooking - EVEN Hawaii.

I suppose I could try to finish up Steve and my ten year album. It's only a few pages left though, and I have to order some prints probably... I'll work on that.

Oh. I was only mentioning the sleep because I'm sure it impedes my ability to be good-minded. I.E. not only could that contribute to more weight (why is that if I'm not eating while I'm awake at night? maybe because I'm not focused enough to be better during the day? I think I've been eating less though, not more - no energy to make dessert or anything else), but also lack of sleep obviously messes with one's pov in so many areas.

I was going to complain I can't "keep my eye on the prize" because it's so very far away it's just discouraging, not to mention the relief and happiness of that prize comes with the cost of WOW LIFE CHANGING EVERYTHING. And I can't just live today on it's own because... and then I couldn't think of a reason why I couldn't which made me think maybe the sleep is an issue. I am able to get naps thanks to Steve and my mom. So maybe it's not an issue. Maybe I'm just doomed to be pregnant forever with the baby who could not be named... What? That doesn't sound like positive thinking? I'm saying it with a positive tone of voice... that doesn't count?

SO the new plan is to live in the present. This will not help the naming process. Just so you all know.

But, living in the present means to me in this particular slice of my life:
enjoying that babymine is safely ensconced where I don't have to keep track of him or worry about him swallowing marbles left on the floor.
loving on, doting on, cuddling with, tickling, smootching Jack (thought I was going to say Steve huh?) while there is not the babymine to compete with.
building up, loving, listening to, spending time with Abby when the single sibling she has is napping or otherwise occupied - i.e. giving her some quality time while we have some left.
"Finishing" up the downstairs - at least as much as we can do. Not rushing, really thinking.
Living with Steve, enjoying the ease and constantly growing strength of where we are in our relationship...
Striving to do the little things that I can do to keep the house falling into disaster... everyday...whenever I get up or move from room to room or etc ec.
Working with the photography still... not giving up, letting myself wander aimlessly waiting for 12 weeks to pass.
Exercise - if for no other reason that it makes me feel better, it's generally fun and definitely helping me carry this weight thru day to day.
Trying not to become completely anti-social.
Paying attention to God. Accepting that I'm not patient, then letting it go and seeing how well I can do these things.
Food - CHILL OUT, just try eating well. Don't make and eat a whole batch of cupcakes. Look at the small decisions I make everyday.

So... that's the general plan. Ready? Break!

Graph

moar funny pictures

Lori posted this: http://lastpersonblogging.blogspot.com/2009/07/why-graphs-are-cool.html a few of which are really really funny. And of course I wanted to make one of my own.