Failure

The problem is, it doesn't matter if the most important people in your life are five days, five years, or fifty - when the people closest to you are disappointed in you... pleading for you to give them something they cannot or should not have, or that you are unwilling to give. It just plain ends up feeling bad.

I know I'm a great mom because I am a present mom, I am an adoring mom, I am a listening mom. I know that.

But I still end up feeling inadequate when every single night Abby desperately wants the same thing... and it's not something I could, even if I would, have an answer for. She wants a family bed basically. So every night we go through the same heart-wrenching (well, it seems heart-wrenching to hear her tell it) talk about how she isn't alone and mommy & daddy have their bed and she has hers and her room is her special place and jack (was) in her room and on and on we go. We don't sit there and discuss it for ten minutes every night - I'm not that new a mom. No, no. I say quickly and simply the same basic, bracing things every night. She never seems particularly comforted or braced and I always walk away feeling like I've failed.

The idea of Jack being in her room worked for a while, but he may as well still be sharing our room because even when we had his pack n' play in with her, she still complained he wasn't actually cuddling WITH her and oh how she swore she'd hold on to him and make sure he wouldn't fall or bump his head.

AND adding to the fact that it didn't really seem to help the problem, it incurred other problems - like my fear of letting him cry at ALL and waking up Abby who would then re-wake up Jack who would need to cry who would wake up Abby. OR my fear of Abby doing ANYTHING to disturb Jack's sleep thereby starting off the aforementioned first cyclical fear.

This too shall pass. I don't feel like a failure anymore when Abby wants twelve playdates per day or when I say we'll eat at home. And to some extent this should be even simpler to not feel guilty about... I mean... look... even if we were family bed type people... this girl would still get kicked out. As my mom has said, "she is not a restful sleeper."

You would find it hilarious to hear the wheels grinding in my head trying to figure out how I want to answer her plea, "but WHEN do I get someone to sleep with always"... Maybe I'll go the fairytale route and talk about when her prince shows up. You unconventional types are probably rolling over in your non-graves, but its a concept she understands and is familiar with and it can grow with time. Where as YOU try to explain to her (without giving into a twenty minute discussion) how someday she'll date and choose someone special and marry them and... well you see the trouble this starts.

Speaking of which... see the Abby/Jack blog in a minute.

Even Jack, my happy little sweetie mcsweetums gives me moments where I just want to hang a letter "F" on my chest and walk around... Yes, it's true, I can not make the happy baby happy all the time. No I don't know what the heck he wants when he crawls over to me, all the hope in the world in those sweet innocent eyes and pleads with me to help him.

Okay, I know what he wants - he wants the remote, the phone, the computer, that tempting looking rocket launcher looks like a good toy to him... and oh how badly he wants these things, why oh why must I be such a cruel, cold-hearted, tease?

Don't get me wrong, they still think I'm doing a whole lot right. I just find the whole thing fascinating... that these little beings can make me feel inadequate simply by giving me that look... that "you just crushed my entire world" look. Ugh.


http://dianeconniebright.blogspot.com/ It also doesn't help that my mother is insane wonder crafts woman. But I was so CUTE... sort of...