Listen to Me

You know those commercials that have the little girl or little boy and then it fast forwards or what have you to teenage horrors like drugs and runaways? And the point is if you talked to/listened to your child when they were young it would have prevented all those horrors?

Well, Abby was at Gramma's house Saturday night and everything's a little wacky as far as our routine due to Gramma's move and to Jack and all that. So Abby had a little trouble letting me go after I dropped her off but then she went off into the routine of Gramma-ness.

But when she goes to bed of course everything sort of boils up and finally Gramma let her call me. I missed the first call, but called back. She said she missed me over and over and I suggested Gramma give her a placebo for her cough and on the conversation goes like that (Steve was out and Jack was crying in his pack'n'play), but, at a loss for anything else to help her, I just stayed on the phone and told her I missed her too and loved her and kept everything chipper and good.

And then she interrupted me as I tried to happily list off the fun agenda for the morning with, "Momma, you have to listen to me. I miss you."

And however she did it I realized "I miss you" wasn't just fact or a hint that she wanted me, it is literally a synonym for her for "I want you here". It's not that it's such a huge revelation or anything, but she was just so clear and insistent - she knew I wasn't quite getting her point and she really wanted me to understand.

Of course, Jack (still crying), may have felt the very same way.

Anyway, it was poignant. It makes me think that she has the ability and confidence to make herself heard. She knows she's loved and accepted even if we don't always rush to do just what she wants.

I just can't get over how old she sounds on the phone.

...

Overweight and Overtired?

Maybe, but I'll tell you what... I'm officially only 3 months behind on scrapbooking. Scrapbooking may not be for everyone - but I love having a little album-capsule of every special event.

After Bath...

Hobby + Documentary = Self Reflection

Watched a fantastic show about photographers on new Ovation channel tonight and it really got me thinking. In part, it got me thinking I am straining myself to emulate this other photographer and I should let myself be me more (But still, I want to achieve what she achieves, thats not the same thing, is it?!). And also it got me thinking once again about the way in which I interact with people... whether I'm taking their picture or not - but especially when I'm taking their picture. Very tentative and self-conscious - embarrassed to be asking. And I think that I get a little of that back in my pictures... Unless I am just pretending really well to be brazenly confident and un-caring. Which I can do... pretty well... now and then... So, just like anything, I'll try to pretend to be completely at ease all the time and eventually I will be.

One of the photographers in this show talked about how just the way he talked to the subjects as he set up the shot - as just not a big deal, really easy, la la la... really impacted the subjects - which makes total sense... but hey - I'm starting from square one here.

This goes back to the distance I usually like with the camera... Which once again validates this photographer suggesting I start practicing with dolls rather than people...

Incidentally, I've also become self-conscious that this blog makes me sound a lot more sad and helpless than I am. I bring my worries here and I leave them, you know? I don't have the luxury (or desire... much) to wallow around in my little miseries (OH woe I do hate the dishes though... really... I do...) all day long. I just need to blurt them out... and there they are... and then off I trot on with my day.

I was telling a friend the other day how I'd sort of accidentally painted myself with the shy and hapless brush with another mom at school and so this mom had began encouraging me to go to support groups and I'm sort of like - no - really - don't have space for MORE community thanks - but not exactly sure how to repaint myself without just seeming completely defensive. Oh well. It is funny though, I have to resist both impulses; A) the impulse to act completely the opposite and spout off how incredibly blessed I am to have ALL my family generally near by and the FRIENDS and the CHURCH and how ANY ONE of them would drop everything if I so much as sniffled and B) the impulse to politely play the role she expects and start hunching over and looking furtively around as if I am scared of people.

It's so funny - I don't actually think of myself as out-going you know. But I realize I must be when I compare myself with people who really really aren't. I had a crush on a shy guy when I first started going to Westmont (I hadn't met Steve yet) and I sorta tried to play up the shy thing to fit into the girl I pictured him with. And when he was talking to a friend of mine when the friend was also trying to play up the "new girl at school" routine he was shocked when they described me as shy or quiet. I guess even when I'm trying, it doesn't really work... except with this mom at the school... oh well... Maybe I'll drop off Abby at school tomorrow with mascara running down my cheeks...

Point being even when I don't sound fine everyone, I really am... Or if I'm not - I'm just a chocolate chip cookie bar away from it.

Into the Light

Look into the light, Julia, into... OUT the window - out... is that a giraffe out there? Not buying it are you? Right. K.
No question this cutee is... well, incredibly, crazily, adorable... willing to look OUT the window instead of at Mommy? Not so much.

Tried it in black and white since top corner is all black and bottom whited out - seemed to lend itself to it...

And So It Begins...

I am now at my "normal" pre-pregnancy weight (though things are bulky in different areas). However, just before I got pregnant I had lost ten pounds which is my personal ideal weight so I am happy that I am here, but I am still chasing ten more pounds and feel confident it's around the corner.

Still, I can fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans even if they aren't quite as loose as they were. Ironically, since I have issues with tight clothing some of my pants that I bought loose fit perfect right now.

BUT, though, my mom may not believe me,I have very few non-maternity clothes left and could probably do away with 90% of what I have even now. In fact, I will go ahead and do that in the morning. Even my tank tops are from a different style era.

I fell into a trap of buying what was on sale rather than what fit right or what fit into the style I wanted to embody for lack of a better word... portray sounded like I was being a poser.

I do not want to waste money on clothes that do not fit perfectly into what I want my wardrobe to be.

Which means looking around, really shopping, and really returning if its not right. And paying attention to what I have, what works together and what I need.

So, my eyes are sore from looking on the internet, but when the day ends I feel good about my purchases - they are things I've tested or thought over and over about. All are casual, all are easily returnable... and I think they all sort of go together.

Now I must take a break from shopping for anoter few months... or more? To really test my theories here.

p.s. Our back yard is IN PROGRESS, how exciting is that?

Aaron & The Easter Egg: A Love Story

Yep, this man could be responsible for saving your life someday... (Notice the pride in his wife's face as she turns and walks away)

The Great Easter Egg Hunt

Aaron, Megan, Gents and Samantha were tasked with hiding the 500 or so (am I exaggerating? I don't know... I really don't)easter eggs Marysue had lovingly stuffed with candy, money, toys... and more candy.

They took their mission quite seriously.

And no, it was not me taking pictures of Aaron's butt... it was Steve... I ask you, is that more disturbing or less?



I can't say there wasn't a little pilfering... where Samantha is hiding this Easter egg... I do not know.

They used creativity, stealth and height.


Some were... less cunningly hidden




But in the end everyone enjoyed the spoils.

Now This May Be The Alcohol Talking...

Okay, not really. I have not developed a taste for the spirits in the last week but, well, lack of sleep is similar to being impaired, isn't it?

Anyway, I haven't slept in the slightest bit well for a good week if not a little more now. Lots of crying from the bundle of cuteness, lots of coughing from the other sweetums... that sort of thing. And yet, for some reason, I feel pretty chipper and hopeful about life.

I think I just have to change my expectations. If I don't expect to sleep more than fifteen minute intervals at night, maybe it won't be as horribly frustrating.

I'll work on that.

Easter

OH there was family and fun



OH there were eggs and candy


OH there was swimming and cute babies

OH there was running and laughing



OH OH OH there were pictures... lots and lots of pictures...

Practice in Bad Light

Direct, Overhead, Noon Light. I know, I know... just practicing...

Someone to Stay Still

My daughter is not interested in my testing light on her, Jack, though adorable, was asleep, I had no friends' children to coerce into standing still, and Samantha had just gotten a sleek fab haircut. What better excuse to order her to sit on the grass so I could practice focusing only on the eyes?

She's a trooper, what can I say?

Making Steve's Life More Difficult

Abby loved the Eaten Canyon Creek. I told her Daddy would take her back there all the time. :)

Golf?

happy not quite focused             focused but not happy              focused, sorta happy, no background

I imagine this must be what being addicted to golf is like.

I cannot force my beautiful daughter to pose in the right light AND stay generally still AND have any sort of nice expression on her face. I can chase her around which she doesn't detest and I get some really cute moments - but maybe one out of ten is perfectly sharp, one out of thirty has the eyes I'm looking for, one out of fifty has the sharpness, the eyes AND the expression I'm looking for and NONE have all of that and a good/interesting/beautiful background.

I've decided I need to stage the front room for pictures because those windows give the perfect light in the morning, but I need no clutter or monkey mirrors or laptops or diapers in the background. I need a chair or some interesting prop type thing.

When I do have a willing model (see Claire) it's not the right light. Granted, we knew it wasnt' the right light, we were just messing around.

Examples to follow when Blogger starts working.

Steve's Third Job

Steve works with this company Mogreet to create video text messages. Just go to Mogreet.com and search for "dasch" or "easter" All the easter ones that come up with text are Steve's.

Send them to people's cell phones (for a fee) - they are super duper cool.

My favorite are the easter ones he just did:
He is Risen
Risen Sunset
Amazing Love
Risen Indeed

Crazy Love - The Here and Now

Piggbacking off my mom's comment in the last post... (warning, sentimental female blog post)

One reason I think rest is so important is because I do not really really really appreciate the place and time I am in now without it. And maybe it's not actual sleep but just some time that is simply nothing else time.

Today it was right before I fell asleep for our nap, holding Jack in bed, staring at the bed and the curtains and the light coming through. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular, wasn't worried that I heard the phone ringing or that I wasn't going to have time to do more laundry if I didn't get up. I just lay there and liked the warmth and weight of Jack next to me - breathing those deep baby breaths of "nothings wrong with me right now, I am totally completely content." I day-dreamed about what life will look like in the near future - when Jack is crawling and walking - who Abby is becoming and wondering how she will be shaped by her own little life ahead of her.

And for now, just really really appreciating that they are MINE. My own little family, MY kids. Obviously Jack is more MINE than Abby - which goes along with the thoughts about how things changed once Abby started pre-school. Suddenly she had an entire life outside of me. Suddenly she wasn't completely and totally MINE. It was that first step of sharing her with the world and, to some extent, releasing her into her own as time goes. But, even for such a big girl - real letting go and releasing; that's still a bit later. She's still mine, mine, mine. And I tell her often. I'm still hers. Its a more complicated possession than what I have with Jack, but just as essential, because now, I'm not the only thing in her life, the sun and the moon - now, people and peers and pressures and concerns are swirling around her and I'm her pillow, her home, her guaranteed hug.

For Jack, we're just defining how important we are to each other. He's just realizing how fabulous this 'mom' person is who wants to kiss the cheeks off him and who jumps at his every bark, and mourns with his every pout (okay, sometimes I laugh at his pout- that lower lip - how can I help it?).

And Steve - he's in the here and now too. Making decisions that bind the whole of our little universes together. He's made some hard choices - choosing family is not always obvious or easy. To come home and see his kids before they go to bed; To spend the time together with me even if it means watching one of my shows, or worse yet... just talking. He has Abby giggling as she reads him a book and Jack laughing with joy. As success comes, some of his choices may not be as freely made, but he's building such a strong foundation with us, we'll weather it - we'll miss him, but, quite frankly, he'll make it up to us. He's just cool that way.

Our future seems so warm. I see my kids growing up into fabulous, fun, silly, brilliant people surrounded by this incredible extended family on both sides - making them even more confident, even more cool - drawing strengths we don't have from other family members. I see my 'things' (photoplay, writing, painting) increasing as my family grows and as I centimeter by centimeter release my children. I see Steve working in his passion and excelling all expectations. I see us having time together because we are so ridiculously spoiled by both sets of our in-laws. I see family getting better and better. I see I will get more and more sentimental the more I grow and appreciate all that I have around me.

I see I will still need Oreos from time to time... Like now... They would really hit the spot

Crazy Love

My babies are pretty much the sweetest funniest silliest lights of the world that ever existed... who also occasionally drive me batty.

Jack has a very specific "no, no, something is really wrong, I am not just playing here" cry. Well, its more of a screech. He started with it last night while I was on my dinner date with Abby (it was very nice and even though Abby wanted to bring along Jack, I think she was happy to be just with mom for a night). Jack nursed and went to sleep after the screeching session with Steve but then anytime he did wake up last night it was with the high pitch serious cry. It wasn't pleasant.

However, despite Jack waking up more than normal and Abby having itches at 4am, we actually got quite a bit of sleep because we went to bed super early.

Even so, by morning I had given up trying to put Jack down in the hopes of just another minute or two without the sirens (which happened anytime I was not literally holding him). Steve, being the real hero that he is, wrapped Jack for a couple hours when he woke up miserable at 5.

My whole crazy lovefest point is coming up. When I had Jack back and we were heading to school for Abby I still hadn't been able to put him down without the screaming starting (him, not me), but whenever I'd put him down and still keep eye-contact he would smile at me and raise his eyebrows and then dissolve into tears. It was so obvious he was trying so hard to have a good attitude, something was just plain wrong. SO sweet.

It's the sort of look he gives me now that makes me understand people wanting the baby phase back. It's this adoration and this hope - like 'Oh, its you, you'll make it all better, I just know you will' which, of course, comes with the obvious downside of I don't make it all better all the time.

ANYWAY so Jack and I (and Maggie and Gus) took a walk and he seemed to be doing better. Still not quite able to keep the smile on his face too long before the "uh, uh... uh... somethings... still... not right here." But he had a mom who was a little happier because you see, with more sleep came the realization that actually I was in a pretty bad mood. Without sleep, I may have not been able to understand simple scissor instructions, but I was goofily chipper. With sleep I realized, "hey. I'm annoyed" BUT #1 Jack trying his best to be sweet pretty much melts me and #2 Maggie let me have a few diapers (another thing I realized this morning - I had ONE diaper left which I used on Jack at 8:30am). Samantha suggests that my love language is actually "things that allow me to stay in my house" so that hit the spot Maggie!

SO, armed with a couple extra diapers, a sleepy, not totally miserable baby and an extended school day (Lunch Bunch) I took a shower and, while trying to get Jack to fall asleep, fell asleep myself. For... like... the entire day. 10:30-1:20. That's more sleep than I get in a night sometimes. Very exciting. Very sweet. Jack didn't move once he was asleep. It was good.

AND, not to be shown up, Abby was just hilarious as I was giving her a hug goodnight. She wants me to go to sleep early because she figures I'll let her climb up on the "back bed" (i.e. the foot of the bed) after I'm asleep. Actually that is reserved for when she wakes up passed 6 but we still want/need sleep (Before 6 she sleeps on the floor if she needs to come in to our room). Anyway it went like this:
You've got to go to sleep early. Okay?
Okay.
Do you want to go to sleep right now?
Yes, as soon as I can.
But first you have to put Pajamas on, right?
Yes.
Okay, tell your husband okay? Cuz he was very tired too.
Okay. Thanks.
Good. Okay, go to sleep. Go tell your husband.

a little later:

I need one more thing, just one, and then I won't need anything else
Okay, what is it?
My foot is itchy, my whole foot... except my toes... just my foot.
*I put Desitin on it... I'm all out of ideas here people*
(Abby again) Mom, can I just have a hug? One big hug?
Of course.
And I kinda feel like a cuddle too.
Okay.
Mmmm.

P.S. all you prospective parents out there - you may want to note that there was never any resolution for Jack's fussiness. It could have been gas, teething, a growth spurt, a bad dream, a desire to destroy all hope for rest. a protest for the treatment of llamas in China - who knows? I don't.

*sigh* These crazy kids. I luv'em. But sometimes, I really do wish I liked alcohol, but I imagine it would nice to love them and then have a little wine.

The Straw

There have been times since I have become a parent in which I have watched my sanity teeter on the brink of total collapse. It happened once when I did not have my ticket for the real Thomas the Train ride and Abby had been so excited she would have lost it in a real and true heartbreaking way if we'd missed it. It happened once when it had taken an agonizing hour to get an exhausted Abby down for her nap and a realtor had walked in and then when I finally was about two minutes from getting her down again the pet police knocked on the door - and I almost didn't open it - but geez, its the POLICE I thought... AWAKE went Abby. It's happened at night when the itches or the coughs or a nightmare has woken up Abby the moment I thought I could sleep after not sleeping for a month while pregnant.

And then it happened today.

The exterminator was coming to pick up the 4 poor murdered rats, I had been doing laundry like a mad woman, I had gone to a meeting at the school, picked up Abby from the park and and... okay it wasn't the sort of day that should have pushed me to the brink, but I'm guessing the lack of sleep has something to do with it.

So I had gotten to go (all by myself) to Target last night and I got one of those musical soothing thingees that hang on cribs... Jack's friend Gus had one and Jack seemed taken with it. I looked at it briefly last night before deciding I would dismantle it's protective box sometime today when my wits were about me.

I decided to tackle it after we'd finally gotten home - Abby was still in only her underwear after a bubble spill incident at the park and then a tantrum by the girl who's grandma had lent Abby a new shirt (which the girl did not want Abby to leave in). Jack had been exhausted several times during the day but we'd not been in one place long enough for him to really sleep and he'd fallen asleep in the carseat. Since Jack is such a good sleeper I thought I'd be brave and move him into his bed for a nice long rest rather than risk him getting just plain annoyed to be in the seat. Bad idea. So by the time I was tackling the soother's cardboard tomb Jack had been screaming in both the crib and his swing (eventually he just sat annoyed but awake in the swing - he really is a sweetheart).

So I was thinking, okay, kid, I have the ultimate secret weapon in this soother. I am going to get it ready to go and boom, you're going to be OUT like a light or at least happy as a clam.

SO I take it out of the box and turn it over to find where it's bondages were. There is a weird white cardboard card with scissors on it and arrows pointing toward plastic straps and another weird arrow pointing to the ceiling and in perforated dots it says "cut straps."

I think, but it looks like there is a way to get them off, but oh well, I won't make my life more complicated by struggling with these straps that obviously must need cutting for them to make such a big stink about it.

So I cut them. And immediately realize - wait that can't be right. I pull up the white cardboard and sure enough, underneath it says "Do Not"... putting it all together people, it said "Do Not Cut Straps"

They are of course the straps that strap the stupid thing onto the crib, which if I had a tenth of my brain capacity working, I would have realized without even looking at the cryptic cardboard.

I almost... and I mean this very literally... chucked it at our front window, then I imagined picking it up and chucking it off the balcony... then I imagined stomping on it a few times, screaming in frustration and dissolving into tears.

Target was going to be a pain - even if explaining WHY the whole thing was so awful to them worked, its the whole idea of having to either take the kids or get free time to do it ALL OVER AGAIN and YES right now a trip to Target is like a trip to Zanzibar.

But ahhh, my customer service cells start firing and I start thinking...oooo I bet there is a phone number on this box.

And sure enough "Rachel" from Fisher-Price did not bat an eye-lash. She very nicely and calmly sent me a return label (via e-mail no less) to send the straps to them and they will ship new straps to me. The only problem she had was trying to find the canned description in her computer to explain why I needed new straps. Time intensive? Perhaps, but the point is someone understood, someone helped, someone made it so I didn't have to leave the house.

I did not realize until I was literally talking to her that the scissors had a circle around it and a line through it. Note the straps were holding the white cardboard card down, obscuring completely the "do not".


Hazel sent me this link about sleep and lack there of: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/03/14/60minutes/main3939721.shtml

Goose

10 years ago I was...
In my senior year of college (Westmont), exclusively dating my ex-boyfriend (Steve)... unofficially, enjoying the ultimate schedule of classes only two and a half days a week, living in the fishbowl with little Jen, arguing with a strange toddler who liked to dial our phone number (565-6565).

5 things on my "to do" list today:
1. call Abby's dentist to schedule appointment
2. call my doc to verify appointment
3. put check to hospital in mail before they send collections people after me
4. go to target (list: mac n'cheese, ketchup, soother thingee, pjs, detergent / not on list but got anyway: quilted crib sheet, swim coverup for Abby)
5. make dinner

Things I would do if I became a billionaire:
1. Buy ALL the cool camera lenses
2. Give. IJM (as in significantly)
3. Buy lots and lots of shoes
4. Sell my (and my mom's) art for even more billions based on the novelty that I'm a billionaire...

3 of my bad habits:
1. eating cookie dough
2. eating cookies
3. being highly ANXIOUS

5 Places I've Lived:
I refuse to answer this one based on my anxiety that someone will use this information to access my swiss bank account where I keep my billions.

5 Jobs I've Had (in random order):
1. Tax Law Book Keeper- Upper
2. Nanny (I had never changed a diaper though)
3. Book Salesperson
4. Archivist
5. Customer Service for the greatest all-in-one trucking software company ever made - LOOOOOP

Things that most people don't know about me:
1. I do in fact tear up at the simplest things
2. I only pretend to be okay with the mess
3. I secretly wish I liked coffee
4. I really liked the movie "Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigalo"

Tag:
Trucker Jen
Dave
(And anyone else who will share)

Thar She Blows

The wind last night... well... if you live anywhere near us you know... it was spectacular... in a "kept everyone up all night" sort of way.

No windows broken this year though - so thats something.

Is exhaustion one reason people overeat? I've been snacking like a mad woman today. Tostitos, cookies, fritos...

1 out of 50

*sigh* Sure, I got other cute shots, but as I'm trying to hone my skill here, this was the only one that worked with all things together: light, expression, focus, background. Of course, this was an unwiling, moving, shaking, running, funny-face making model... so... you know... don't judge me too harshly. BOY am I glad I am doing this in the digital age.

No Peekies

Taken one handed, aiming upside down and blind at Abby as she leaned against my hip

More Josh

If you give God a task...

Have you ever read If you give a mouse a cookie...?

Well, if you give the Lord God a task... He's probably going to complete it.

Abby has a September birthday. A lot of states in the US and a lot of private schools in California have a September 1 cut off age date for their school year. I.E. child must be x number of years by September 1.

The school Steve and ALL his siblings went is a private school with that very same cut off date. Which I found out early on last year. So, my feeling of uh-oh started that long ago.

And, most women will get me on this point, it was not "uh-oh my child might have to start late and that's unacceptable", it was "uh-oh that means it's going to be up to ME whether or not to push her for the earlier start date".

There is one sort of pressure when you have to decide for yourself what your next step is. This college or that, this job or that, whatEVER. There is all and all a different sort of pressure when you are trying to make that decision for your child who has no idea what's going on.

SO I prayed that it would be clear what the best thing for Abby would be. The absolute best. Not just okay, but really good for her.

If she were a little less exceptional (well, she is!) it would have been an easier decision as well. But her teacher gave us the thumbs up on ready for kindergarten. The testing people for the Kindergarten we wanted gave Abby exceptional rankings - she tested above her age in 9 out of ten areas - going as far as 5yrs 3months in some. However she tested at her age in one and only three months ahead of her age in two... i.e. below the six months above her age they were looking for for a September child.

So despite a legacy of the family and Abby's obvious brilliance the school suggested a bonus year of pre-school.

That threw me into a tailspin because I hadn't made any plans and hadn't thought what would be the best for her and how important is THIS school to us and all that stuff.

And finally, something my mom-in-law said turned the light on. When talking about a more academic pre-K program she said, "I'm sure it's fine, but you want to make sure its the best thing for Abby."

Yes, of course I had already been trying to think about what was best for Abby - but the way Marysue said it, the emphasis was on just who Abby is rather than what she is capable of. And I wasn't really thinking of Abby's personality as a whole, I was thinking of her being an outstanding girl able to go to school and excel wherever she is. I.E. She should go forward because she can. I wasn't thinking of her extremely tender heart. I know, anyone who has babysat her may not see it as much as I do - but she is so sweet, so tender, so in love with people and fun and play...

And this is my last chance to give her this one gift of one more year of absolute joy and fun and tender care. Her pre-school is so completely about loving and respecting these little people. She will be comfortable, she will be loved, she will be encouraged, she will flourish.

Just... watch out. Because she'll be starting school now with a boost... and Abby with a boost? The world better pay attention.

So... if you give God a task... you'd better be prepared that He's going to complete it... and He's going to complete it with an exclamation point.

Who are these guys again?

Oh Yes, my Godchildren. Great to see them today... I can't believe they are *such* distinct people with *such* hilarious little... or big... personalities.


Note: had great chat with photographer and went through a bunch of stuff with Steve and these are first pictures to test...

Beat

Sometimes you just have to say - I give up, give me the cookie dough.

First off the days are rushing past me like crazy special effects wind. I do not have the time to do all I am supposed to do in a day - particularly with Abby... A bath and now the dentist wants us to brush once dry and once with toothpaste (pffft), all the skin stuff we try to keep her from itching, playtime with Daddy, dinner, clean up (yeah right - no TIME), books and on and on and on.

Let's see - why was this day hard? Well mostly because I was already close to bone-dry on mom-power to begin with. The little site Sandra and I have was hacked twice over the weekend (the second more vicious as they surely knew the first hack would put us on the list for higher security) so last night I was frantically trying to shut the site down without having an identity on it since the first thing they did, of course, was delete all the admins.

That was disheartening and frustrating. Then there's Abby's itching... it's so horribly hopeless. The bath seems to dry things out - which is great - except that causes more itching - and as soon as something looks like its finally calming down (rash wise) it will flare up. I am thinking now she may be allergic to all fruit.... (and possibly air). Doctor has no help (though he's very nice).

Jack was restless. Which reminds me of that song. You know - the Allison Krause one. I didn't worry too much about that except at some point he must have started crying because when I was conscious at 3:35 he was already next to me in bed and I felt like it was the second nursing try.

When Jack wasn't restless (which was seldom) I was dreaming about Jack being restless - and about having his twin who was born three months later, three pounds which huge eyes... looked kinda like the Dr. Seuss "look how wet they let this wet pet get" in One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. I also kicked a wall in I was so frustrated (this is still part of the dream).

By six I was beyond fried. I just kept trying to calm myself down, calm Jack down, and wait calmly and lovingly for Steve's sleep to be light enough that all this commotion would wake him up. But of course as soon as the magic moment of rescue came, Abby woke up and wanted to go into her sleeping bag at the foot of our bed. And talk.

Steve took Jack downstairs, when Abby said she wanted to get up I helpfully suggested she join them. And I got... fifteen minutes or so of beautiful sleep.

Then it was off and running. Getting Abby ready, making sure the site mess was still getting worked on, getting Abby's bike in the car (for she MUST ride her new bike at school people), had nice tension loosening walk with Maggie and off to the races again as I drive to bring the big car in for service, bring Steve back to work in his car, go home for ten minutes, pick up Abby from school - find her bike helmet which had been put away with the community helmets, bring her home for some "quiet" time before her first dentist appointment...

Get her food, go to the office to eat it, then rush up to dentist which was AWESOME but took SO long. Abby was so brave and the office was so cool and sweet and fun. Then completely had to renig on my promises that Abby would be able to color with Grandpa after the dentist because we had to pick up the car.

Jack is not happy. I am learning slowly but surely he does not, absolutely, positively, does not like being shuffled around from thing to thing. He likes some face time with me or people and when he doesn't get it, he is not a happy camper.

See? yet another positive in the hermit column. In fact, as long as people come to him, Jack may be a little hermit in the making.

We pick up the car (free! whoo hoo) go home, Abby the mighty-out-and-about-girl is SO tired she actually falls asleep in the car like old times so I seize the day (my way) and just sit in the car in the shade of the driveway and let my mind wander until it eventually goes blank.

We have a few minutes before Jack is up and needing to go back to sleep again. Daddy gets home and to the rescue wraps Jack-the-cranky. I make spaghetti, feeling really warm about it because Abby had wanted it last night so it is always fun to make her something she wants. She is totally excited about it. Until she takes a bite and her lips burn out of control - not from heat - but probably from all the "open wide" at the dentist so the sauce burns and she only takes a bite before soaking her lips in milk (true).

SO another dinner bites the dust.

It's time for bed ! Abby still exhausted... Jack, however, ready to party. Steve goes off to a meeting.

After having a fabulous time watching Abby play with a slinky and reading her books with her, Jack does his usual super-baby-down-to-sleep routine which, quite frankly, makes everything better. How does he DO that?

The day ended up generally great, though the tension in my shoulders is sitting there like big chunks of mud.

I think a shower may help.

And laying it all out like this helps me see how everything went well - if I just had had a little more Jack time, I think it all would have felt better.

Stretch.

Night.

Kissing Jack

TURN YOUR VOLUME DOWN!! SQUEEKY mom voice right next to camera mic!!! Do not let your ears bleed...

The Weekend

Josh is ONE! Can you believe it. And happy as can be, as you can see. Abby had a great time at the park for his birthday - can you believe she found THREE friends to play with. It was glorious social time for her. She was so exhausted afterwards that she could hardly speak. We over stressed her that day because no sooner had we gotten home did we ship off to church and then to dinner. She did really well considering. So ironic that the church service was about observing a Sabboth day.

Today was, actually a pretty perfect Sunday, we did a lot of little organizing jobs in the morning but Abby and I spent some nice time together cuddling while Steve and Jack played. Steve airplaned a giggling Jack to us which was super cute. Abby and I played princess and used the bubbles so kindly given at Josh's party.

Then Poppa and Gramma came over to visit which was perfectly peaceful and then, to round out the night we had Maggie, Chris, Bess, Pearl, Gus, Adam, Nancy, Lauren, Luke, and Claire over for a wonderful food fest.

The kids discovered the play house and I kid you not, all but one had broken skin before the night ended. Lawn is coming soon. I cannot wait. Forget the leaking roof. Forget the mouse(?) in the wall, I want some lawn.

The Call of Hermithood

Jack is unlike any baby I have ever had. *smirk*

When he is tired, I take a cue from Beth's nap philosophy and I put him down in his pack'n'play.

And then... he falls alseep.

I can be in the room or not, making noise or not... (I do put the little light and sounds that comes with the playyard on).

All of you who think I don't deserve such a blessing, consider a) he's only three months, things could change at any moment and b) Abby screamed hysterically while going to bed for nap or night until she was two years old (thats 24 months straight).

Which brings me to hermithood. I watch with complete disbelief everytime this happens and I feel tension I hadn't even known I had about putting a baby down to sleep seep out of my muscles.

With this sort of sleeping baby, why would I want to leave the house EVER and risk either disturbing the rhythm or waste the free time?

You don't have a response to that, do ya?

SO, we're agreed.

It's official. I'm a hermit.

I think I'll buy some black curtains and a truck full of old newspapers.

Buzz Kill

I haven't had too much of a nightmare with health insurance. For one thing, we have great coverage via DPS and for another DPS has insurance guys who, if nothing else, can explain why we have to pay (it comes a lot easier hearing that from them than from the doctor's office where they just want me off the phone or from the insurance company where they are annoyed that I am calling in the first place).

Therefore I shouldn't have the makings of a headache right now.

However, I do. Because we got a bill that we shouldn't have for Jack's first appointments.

This is Steve's least favorite part of me. I start feeling the pressure of an annoyance before it's been proven that it's annoyance.

His point, which is quite valid, is that even if it does become as bad as I fear, I've wasted that extra two weeks of worry on it when I didn't really have to start feeling bad about it until it really was a problem. *snort*

It doesn't help that we spent twenty minutes in small group last week discussing MY pediatrician's office's complete failure to provide customer service or any sort of... logic or help or... anything.

So we're just using their own system against them. It takes two weeks to get a response? Okay, well, I'm certainly not paying until it's cleared up. And, seriously I don' t think they have any leg to stand on. I think the worst that can happen is that I will have to somehow be the liason between the doctor's office and insurance. That is a pain. But if it happens, I'm leaving this office and being vocal about it and going somewhere that makes sense.

So. Not going to worry about it. It will spur me to figure out the hospital bill that I don't think I'm supposed to pay either by calling good ole' insurance specialists Dick and Larry in the morning.

The Infamous Cupcakes

Hazel told us about Violet's Cupcakes and I do love the frosting - mostly because it is nearly identical to what my mom makes (which, yes, means I too can possess it. very exciting.)

Anyway, I used Violet's to bribe Abby and Micaiah to take their pictures. And found that Sarah's front porch has as good if not better lighting than the alley!!

The Infamous Alley

The photographer I am emulating shot in this alley for Abby's mini-session... supposedly the light is perfect. And... yes it is. It's also got interesting texture and fixtures.

Ms. Abigail's wardrobe supplied by... Juliana Knight-Wood

Edited to add: Well, I finally found a new use for snapfish - there are just too many pictures that I want to post. I'll put them all on snapfish.

A Few More

I'll take these down after the novelty wears off for me.... I'm just excited by progress. (the running one isn't an example of a good pic - just proof that she's not totally miserable letting me do these shoots)

Manual Focus, Light Circle

I really am trying to give Abby a break with the pictures - but when she is bathed and in a pretty dress and her hair is actually done... and then she SUGGESTS "play camera" I couldn't resist.





Okay, I'm starting to realize why the photographer suggested practicing on a doll. I really had to concentrate on remembering which angle I was shooting at to get which light. Of course, I am not going to use my front yard once I have a back yard, so these tests are just for fun.



How did I get her to stay still? (This is the question you should be asking even if you are not because I am not very good at the manual focus thing yet so I needed her to be very very still) I let her use my 1K+ camera/lens to take pictures of trees.



I figured, that is it, I'm living on the edge now, I'd better get some nice pictures before she accidentally destroys my camera.

Those Eyes!

Okay, so yes, I use my friends in order to practice photography lessons on their children. I admit it. But could you help it if this guy came crawling toward you with sunlight in his eyes? I think not.

Am now practicing using manual focus.

*sigh*

Yes I know I should have been doing this already.

SOMEONE!!!

I need to remember to bring the pre-school dishes back to the pre-school or else I will be late walking with Maggie because I have to drive home to get them so the kids can have snack.

I need to remember to call doc about shots and rashes. (not my doc)

I need SOMEONE to invent Dreyer's Chocolate Chip ice cream separator. There is to much vanilla, not enough chips. There has to be a solution.

What A Vacation is Supposed to Do...

As you are all painfully aware, I have anxiety issues that I have been working on.

Sometimes my progress (which hey, you all know God is a part of... therefore) surprises me because I'm not specifically aware of trying to change.

Due to anxiety (and the fact that I've got a bit of hermit in me) there have been very very very very... very few times that I have not been chomping at the bit to get home from any sort of vacation. I like being home. I do love you all that I have been on vacation with... but my mind was stuck on getting home to the cats (do they have enough food, did the litter last, have they made a mess), or getting the baby/kid home (to our own stuff, our own routine, our own breakable things), or even getting home to the kid (are the caretakers okay, did everyone sleep, are they dying for me to get home), or maybe just the day to day (theres so much laundry, I left the dishes on the counter, I should have been sanding walls). To be honest, there is even an anxiety to get out simply because its inevitable so I want to get it over with (sidenote: I think my unconscious goal in life is to have absolutely nothing on my "to do" list which is both ridiculous, meaningless, and not really what I want). I never have that feeling of, "Oh I wish we could stay on vacation forever." In fact, I would say that I long for home the way most people long for vacation.

This weekend was a little different.

There was this moment when Abby came to give me a hug (Because I'd been on a ten minute errand) and smiled up at me and it was just like this shining simply beautiful bonded moment. The sort that don't come as often as she takes all these subtle and profound steps away from dependency. The sort I'd been mourning over since having another baby. It was just really like a breath of fresh adoration on both sides. Granted, it may have been something to do with her absolute joy with being with TWO kids all weekend (it's been a while since we've had an outing with kids), but her happiness - her contentment and love just rose up at just the right moment that I could enjoy it and respond with the same absolute love and focus.

And to just round out the mini-miracles, as Steve was cuddling Jack to bed last night he told me there had been a father/son moment with Jack as well. They were hanging on the couch together and Steve was just talking sports and Jack was just babbling back. I was there for the tail end of it - as it was a rather bad time to be having a mini-miracle as we were trying to gear up and leave. It must have lasted ten minutes (eternity for a three month old). And Steve just felt that connection - that "my son" connection.

Sigh, I love being older. I love having a bit more wisdom, a bit more communication, a bit more everything. I may be singing a different tune in twenty years but for now I can honestly say I LIKE being in my thirties. I think (no one else has to agree) that I look better now in general beauty wise than I did in my twenties because I like the more mature face, and more importantly, I like my sort of beauty like I didn't quite accept back then.

Total happiness with myself, my health, my goals and creativity - it's all out there a few steps a head of me and I'm happy where I am and excited with where I'm going. I am really surprised what with the "Friends" cast ahead of me and still looking pretty impressive that people my age are unhappy about aging. The sort of Hollywood I have on my radar doesn't worship the teeny bopper icon, the sort of Hollywood I pay any attention to is the Hollywood my age... and besides being ridiculously skinny, I like what I see.

I like my life, my family, my kids and who I'm married to (Steve and I didn't spend any particular time as a couple this weekend - but there was something team building about it, something underlying that made me feel closer to him than ever. I personally think the interesting thing about Steve and I is that we both feel guilty asking for what we want/need/whim and yet we are both selfish enough not to repress. It's just taken 8 and a half years to get to a good balance, to get to a place where we can ask, take, accept, and give. I'm being cheesy again).

Pretty cool gig.

I don't care that I can't spell or give directions. I don't care that I detest math or trying to organize numbers in ANY way - any apology in my voice when you find one of these failings out firsthand is for the inconvenience of my failings, not because I regret them all that much.

POINT being, if I keep going away from anxiety towards peace and peace affords these moments of mini-miracles, then that's pretty motivating.

Yes, but how did Jack do?