Sympathy Pains...

The last week, after months and months of no accidents and complete faith in herself potty training, Abby has regressed so much that on Friday she had perhaps four accidents. She seemed so confused and at a loss herself (half the accidents came as a complete surprise, half as she tried to get to the toilet) that we were actually afraid that there was something physically wrong.

Well, we were at a party (as my next post will explain) today with everything Abby could ever want in a party (kids, toys, chips, and cake) and she was her old self. She only used the facilities once and only when she needed to. Until both Steve and I were occupied at which time she went to the bathroom and was so sad she just let herself have an accident right there on the floor.

I e-mailed her pre-school teacher, realizing now that this must have to do with all the changes she feels in the air and got this response, which I thought I'd share because it makes me feel both immense sadness and immense happiness:

Hi Adrea, just to let you know it's perfectly "normal" for Abby to regress a
bit, and maybe even more when the baby arrives and Abby figures out that the baby is actually
staying. The best advice I can give you is to be consistent, calm, patient and do not get
upset at Abby.  Be reassuring when she has an accident.  Be loving, yet firm and remind
her that pee goes in the toilet.  Don't talk excessively about her accidents.  Carry a change
of clothes with you. This is the time she needs to know that mom and dad are here for her.
It's a little scary for her, she doesn't know what to expect and she certainly has no real
concept of what a sibling is.  Try to have time with her without talking about the baby
unless she brings it up.  Making individual time for Abby, whether it's mom or dad is
important.  

It makes me feel good because we never talk about the baby in front of Abby and with the plethora of loving family around her she often has quality alone time not just with mom and dad but with everyone in which she is the center of attention and importance in the world (just as it should be for her to feel right now). But it makes me sad because even with all that, even doing everything generally right (I know she must have felt our frustration/confusion at the regression, but we didn't rub her nose in it or get upset) - even loving her as well as we have, I do believe this is a scary time for her. And I do do do do want her to feel like we're there for her and we have her back.

Of course I know this isn't bad for her, of course I know struggle and sadness and even failure is good in it's own way. But I'm a mom and I'm allowed to still feel sad about realizing my daughter is feeling something so deeply that it's coming out in this way.

BUT in addition to sad and glad, I also feel very hopeful. I am feeling much better, though I should really be making better choices about getting to sleep earlier... so I feel capable of being better for Abby. Steve, now that we have Miss Janet's words just give us a blueprint, a road map is going to - I don't know if I can find a word for it. He is going to empower Abby like only he can. When he has purpose and he knows what's wrong - he is the best fixer around. It was the confusion that was so hard, the not knowing if we're supposed to insist or ignore or start all over with the potty training or WHAT.

SO now, Abby will be feeling peace, acceptance, compassion, and purpose from us when she looks to us. I am excited to prove to Abby that she'll never lose that from us.