Gimme, Gimme, Gimme

I want this lense... badly

Julia Turns One

Our Goddaughter reflects on her first year. She acknowledges that she hasn't yet reached her full potential as a high powered fashion mogul, but she allows that the ageism that currently holds her back will certainly not crush her spirit.

Sympathy Pains...

The last week, after months and months of no accidents and complete faith in herself potty training, Abby has regressed so much that on Friday she had perhaps four accidents. She seemed so confused and at a loss herself (half the accidents came as a complete surprise, half as she tried to get to the toilet) that we were actually afraid that there was something physically wrong.

Well, we were at a party (as my next post will explain) today with everything Abby could ever want in a party (kids, toys, chips, and cake) and she was her old self. She only used the facilities once and only when she needed to. Until both Steve and I were occupied at which time she went to the bathroom and was so sad she just let herself have an accident right there on the floor.

I e-mailed her pre-school teacher, realizing now that this must have to do with all the changes she feels in the air and got this response, which I thought I'd share because it makes me feel both immense sadness and immense happiness:

Hi Adrea, just to let you know it's perfectly "normal" for Abby to regress a
bit, and maybe even more when the baby arrives and Abby figures out that the baby is actually
staying. The best advice I can give you is to be consistent, calm, patient and do not get
upset at Abby.  Be reassuring when she has an accident.  Be loving, yet firm and remind
her that pee goes in the toilet.  Don't talk excessively about her accidents.  Carry a change
of clothes with you. This is the time she needs to know that mom and dad are here for her.
It's a little scary for her, she doesn't know what to expect and she certainly has no real
concept of what a sibling is.  Try to have time with her without talking about the baby
unless she brings it up.  Making individual time for Abby, whether it's mom or dad is
important.  

It makes me feel good because we never talk about the baby in front of Abby and with the plethora of loving family around her she often has quality alone time not just with mom and dad but with everyone in which she is the center of attention and importance in the world (just as it should be for her to feel right now). But it makes me sad because even with all that, even doing everything generally right (I know she must have felt our frustration/confusion at the regression, but we didn't rub her nose in it or get upset) - even loving her as well as we have, I do believe this is a scary time for her. And I do do do do want her to feel like we're there for her and we have her back.

Of course I know this isn't bad for her, of course I know struggle and sadness and even failure is good in it's own way. But I'm a mom and I'm allowed to still feel sad about realizing my daughter is feeling something so deeply that it's coming out in this way.

BUT in addition to sad and glad, I also feel very hopeful. I am feeling much better, though I should really be making better choices about getting to sleep earlier... so I feel capable of being better for Abby. Steve, now that we have Miss Janet's words just give us a blueprint, a road map is going to - I don't know if I can find a word for it. He is going to empower Abby like only he can. When he has purpose and he knows what's wrong - he is the best fixer around. It was the confusion that was so hard, the not knowing if we're supposed to insist or ignore or start all over with the potty training or WHAT.

SO now, Abby will be feeling peace, acceptance, compassion, and purpose from us when she looks to us. I am excited to prove to Abby that she'll never lose that from us.

Clever Smlever

I don't WANT a clever ending, I want a satisfying ending. I will give you many many extra dollars by taking other people to a movie with a satisfying ending and buying your movie and renting your movie just to show support. Stop with the clever. You'll never be totally original. Just be good and stop catering to the people who just want a cheap thrill of something different. Shock is fleeting. Satisfaction... why look at that... satisfaction lasts and gets you more money!

(Departed, though I have my issues with the 'surprise death,' still had a satisfying ending.)

Sheesh.

Prepping or Bribing?

Abby and I have had two play dates in the last two days. One at a house which was perfectly suited for both the girls that lived there and for kids to come and play. The other at my house and I've decided we're definitely lacking in the 'stuff to do with other kids' arena.

We have lots of books, we have stuffed animals but apparently we need:
Dress up clothes for kids
Dress up clothes for babydolls
mini strollers for said babydolls
...
that's mostly it.

During play dates they don't seem to play games, they just play 'house' or 'fantasy' in general... and we're not prepped for that.

PLUS we need a backyard... preferably minus the coarse dirt, scary tool shed, and assortment of construction materials left behind by various projects.

A fine mess...

Steve and I have not been good about getting sleep. We both couldn't function Monday morning. I took up all my Abby pre-school free time sleeping. So we decided to be good tonight and were in bed, lights out by 10pm.

Only problem? I've been in bed an hour and still no sleep.

I find I fall asleep best to Snapped episodes, have to see if there are any tivo'd.

I may be... may be getting a small amount of what sanity I once had back slowly... day by day. Tonight I actually had a nice normal loving thought about Steve. Yes, yes, I realize how that sounds. But it's not that I've been unhappy with him, it's just that even the good thoughts I have had since my second month of pregnancy or so have been hormonal... overly sentimental... inhuman if you will...

There's still a long way to go. At this moment, though I am already excited/emotional about the idea of having another little wriggly baby to cuddle in December, I am also pretty darn sure I would prefer not to ever be pregnant again. I crave my own special brand of normalcy of sanity that won't be here anytime soon even if I don't feel this awful the whole time.

Once again, just like with marriage, just like when we were pregnant with Abby and after we had her I marvel at what in the world did we do with all our time before? In this case, why was I ever tired before this pregnancy? Why isn't the entire house completely done? It's ridiculous how much time we waste going about our daily lives that we don't seem to care much about until we realize we won't have the freedom to waste that sort of time for years to come.

In other news, Abby is still cute.

Unembellished News Items...

Abby had her first ride in a convertible.
Steve and I switched closets since I had more hanging room and he had more hanging clothes.
Somehow in the process Steve rearranged both Abby's room and the upstairs guest room.
I switched primary care physicians in order to get an OB to deliver at our normal hospital.
I have my first appointment with my new OB June 4th whom, after all this trouble shares a waiting room with my old OB.
I have blood tests at the end of this month to check for things.
I am generally okay until 4 or 5 pm rolls around at which point I go downhill fast.
We are mold free.
Steve, Hazel and I are apparently starting a Sunday School class just because we only like each other.
My kitchen is a mess.
Abby is very close to dressing herself.
Abby has started using the bicycles with the 'big' kids at school.
Abby has her ballet recital the first weekend in June which I will be missing. But a Scheidler will film it.
I have to be very careful what I say if Abby has an accident as yesterday when I said, 'We don't want another one' she then proceeded to run to the bathroom every thirty seconds just to be sure.
Abby hoards things in my unused maternity clothes box.
I had the weirdest dream this morning that my neighbor was in my garage commenting on it's emptiness and I discovered by trying to affix the tarp back over the entire house that she's been making outfits for all the mice and critters that she also apparently has created a tunnel for between her house and ours.
I love gloomy rainy days.
Abby makes funny faces

Signature

She's been able to type her name for a while (granted with a few extra aaaa's), but now she can write her name all by herself. I am utterly proud.

Snapped!

Did I tell you all Steve and I are currently obsessed with the show 'Snapped' which is about women who kill. They snap you see ;).

It is fascinating in several ways. Firstly how truly awful 99% of these women are. Secondly, my reaction to the other one percent - like *shrug* yeah, that was a good call. Thirdly how very very bad these people are at committing murder.

This one woman was home free until they pulled up her cell phone records to find that while she was trying to give herself alibis all over the place by calling people as if she were home she neglected to understand cell towers know where you are. Pshaw. DUH.

Steve and I have become quite snobby about murder now. We're unimpressed by most of these women's attempts to cover themselves. But hey some of them get points for ingenuity.

On a serious note it is also often times very very very sad because there are kids involved. Sigh. Murder is a bad idea everybody - and apparently harder to cover than you'd think so just CHILL out and take a bath instead.

Gramma's Picture Day

Eleven Years and counting...

Since Steve and my first date. In that time we broke up several times, graduated college, got married and conceived two children... hmm. Seems like we should have a whole brood by now. Oh well.

The Games...

Food is an issue. Nothing sounds good. Nothing smells good. If I manage to want to eat something and it goes down all right I am immediately sorry I managed to eat that thing.

I go to the kitchen to eat. I don't want to, but I know that if I don't the hunger pains are worse than nausea. I feel entirely bloated and unable to eat a bite of anything. I decide, I don't need another meal.

I get into bed. I realize the hunger pains are right around the corner. I go back to the kitchen. My stomach repeats it will not tolerate another meal.

No manipulation intended, but so far the only thing that can consistantly satisfy are the old stand bys: fruit punch, dry top ramon noodles, cheerios and burnt fudge.

I should mention that the nausea is better thanks to the seasickness wrist bands but that hasn't helped the food portion of the issue - I am just able to actually function now. Which is huge. Who needs food anyway?

Say what you want about Oprah...

she has things on her shows that I care about.

Well, that's a generality - trust me for every show I'm thrilled to see there are four that I couldn't care less about. Half the time it really has very little to do with Oprah herself - sometimes I like her, sometimes she's horribly ridiculous and sometimes she's annoying, but there is something about the show that connects with me.

As you all know I've been preoccupied with my nausea to the point where I have had a difficult time getting my thoughts passed it. Well, my little Blockbuster netflixy sort of thing just started delivering the Oprah 2oth anniversary thing that was on my list and watching the 'best of' really helped get my brain back.

My Ballerina

Peanut in the Oven

And so it begins. Abby's sibling is 7.5 weeks old and has a fluttery-fast heartbeat.

So, if you've been wondering why I've been melancholy and tight-lipped recently... the answer is that I've been more nauseous than human recently.

Sorry for the secrecy - believe me it was harder on me than you. I don't do secrets - I'm generally opposed to them actually and sure enough, trying to keep one was annoying as I would much rather whine loudly than suffer silently.

Talking and typing both make me want to hurl. As does drinking and eating, walking and showering, standing and breathing.

BUT I've been able to sleep! That's good!

I've wasted many dollars on foods that finally sound edible only to find after two bites... no... that really isn't the case... this food isn't even near edible. Throw it out and never show it to me again.

I'm a generally difficult, emotional, and cranky pregnant person. I have a hard time getting excited because I've reserved so much space for worry. Steve is challenging me to stop that. Which I can imagine trying if I weren't so constantly physically ill. I can't think passed it most of the time.

Steve has been... amazing. Dealing with extreme bouts of emotion while fielding an anxious Abby and doing household chores that make me ill to think about. I'm still stressed. There are insurance issues... but... I suppose that's all. That's good. Only one thing to deal with that was unplanned to have to deal with.

And also, sorry to all those I have lied to. Yes, Dave, I did technically lie to you at the Clippers game - however I didn't exactly say "No, I'm not pregnant" I said "No..." I could have been saying "No" to a ghost at your elbow.