Something up with Jack

If I was a really real cool blogger I would insert a link to the Nightmare Before Christmas song with the lyric of my title.

The problem with being a parent for me is that I am so very often in survival mode that it is very difficult for me to detach myself and see from a distance patterns that might mean something.

I mean, hey I'm on the look out for patterns moment to moment constantly "when Finn says this he means this and if I don't help him get that he'll do this and cause that and that is really really bad"

But really being able to pick up on developmental cues etc, I'm not so good on that. I mean, I get that there is a spectrum and I haven't had huge cause for alarm so screw it. We'll figure it out. As my mom always says, "they'll sleep through the night when they're in college" so you know, it had to start before that, you just don't know the exact time in between now and then. And it's partly because I'm not an ambitious parent anymore than I am an ambitious career person (meaning I do not try to push their learning milestones, I don't care when they walk or how they write their 'r's until the teachers tell me I'm supposed to get them to write their r's right). I love them to a ridiculous degree. Try very hard to show it in my face how thrilled I am that they are HERE and MINE (a bit more of a challenge with my Abby since she comes in so very often with just... such 7 year old things to say even if she knows if she comes in one more time three hours passed bedtime it means Mommy is going to be CRANKY). But if they are in the honors group or the at the right level group? Don't care. Not yet anyway.

Ugh, tangent - I did love always being in honors - honors classes seemed a whole lot easier than regular, a lot funner... but thats beside the current point.

The current point is that we are going to seek evaluation and magic course of action for Jack. Because he is thriving so well at school right now because he happens to be at a school in which they care SO much they do better with him than I do. No matter how good and loving the teachers may be in grade school, they can't take the sort of time it took Milly to bond with Jack. I mean, I KNOW, he'll be older, he'll be awesome. I have no doubt. But he is a passionate guy and with that passion comes... uh, passion.

I'm not labeling him - I'm not SERIOUSLY worried, I'm just looking for some insights into what makes Jack different and what he needs from us to help him transition and gain more control emotionally.

I really have not been particularly anything about this until yesterday. I'd already had the first consultation with a child psychologist lady and she had woke up some parts of my brain realizing a big issue (main issue?) is Jack has a hard time regulating his passions. He can't help being scared, anxious, panicked, etc and he doesn't know how to bring himself back from the cliff very easily.

So yesterday, with that in my head, Jack wakes up from a nap IN a fuss. It gets no better as we drive off to pick up Abby. Instead of trying to get him to stop with sharp simple words, I hold onto his calf/leg and tell him simply that he's fine (internally fyi I want to scream my head off back at him). He kicks my hand away so okay, I'm not going to put him in a position where now he's in trouble because he's kicking me, so I take my hand away. The tantrum turns into full on panic, crazy total panic. He's saying words that I don't understand (initial tantrum brought on because he wanted to be back with Caiah and Max who'd spent the morning with him), but FINALLY I understand he's saying "put your hand back on my leg momma" but of course the words are coming out in the wrong order.

I put my hand back on his leg and he struggles but he gets himself under control, but it's as if he's just had the more harrowing experience of his life. I.E. even while calm, he was REALLY upset. Not "i'm a bratty spoiled kid upset" but, upset.

And it came together. I mean, not to take any power away from him, because obviously he CAN get control, but the realization was that this is a very very hard thing for him to do and it shouldn't be this hard at his age.

SO my love Jack, we're going to help, you're going to be fine. And I can't wait to see you grow up.