Perspective...

Oh, what I wouldn't give for a bird's eye view of my life right about now. Okay, I wouldn't really give anything because I'm still in survival mode and I can't spare anything - take that future me - you get nothing from now me!

Jen wrote about what she's been thinking today which feels like the exact same thing that I've been thinking of - but the mirror image... sort of.

Only in that I am doing what I planned out for my life all along my life - yet letting work get in the way instead of the other way around. I love photography - it makes me feel super egotistically cool that some people like my way enough to want me to take their picture... but shouldn't I be enjoying these years? The 3s are my favorite age and I'm about to have TWO kids in that general area. What luck! I'm not being sarcastic - I mean, believe me, I know the drawbacks. But there are also the hilarious conversations and unabashed cuddling and all that.

Example: I'm on the couch today reading. I hear small footsteps heading up the stairs and hear Jack narrate his way to me via dramatic whispering as he goes into each room to find me "Uh! Oh! Who's here- what's in here-" When I call out to let him know where I am he says, "Oh! I hear Momma, is she over here? Where's she going to be?" And as he turns the corner shirtless I realize he's not narrating to himself but to Finn who, also shirtless, is dutifully following him around on this mock adventure.

At a school meeting Friday one of the moms was talking about how fairness is evenly distributed over a family's lifetime. So where moms pack in a lion's share of butt wiping and the like at the beginning of the family stage there is a balance to the work, to the responsibility, to the difficulty of any family that comes with time. So, hold on thru the years and you get to see your spouse suffer too? No, no, that's not the point at all! Silly! But it is sort of what has gotten me thru days before - the idea that I'm putting in my extra hard years in order to glory in the days when all the kids are in full time school and I get to do whatever I want from 9-3 because Steve, being the responsible sort of guy he is, will still be working and I will still be house-wifing and dang it if that's not going to someday be a cushier job than it is now.

But am I sabotaging myself by inching ever closer to a career in photography? Do I want a career? No... but I don't really want to give up the possibility of one in photography.

Does it matter? Is now NOT the time to be fighting myself about it because the kids are OBVIOUSLY still very much in need of me? I mean, why not just chill out a couple years til I'm in sort of the place that Jen is where she is about to jump off a newer more free cliff of ... cliff diving? No - don't do that - that's *so* New Moon. I mean I believe 110% in God's plan being fulfilled - so if I'm meant to be a great photographer - then taking a break won't stop that. It's not like I'm on the verge of something awesome. I'm just plugging away, doing what I do... and hopefully getting better every year in both art and family.

Am I just balancing it just perfectly right now and am only *worrying* about me not balancing like I didn't balance so well last year or the year before?

I am a very potent worrier you know. I could indeed sabotage myself by worry alone...