Perspective...

Oh, what I wouldn't give for a bird's eye view of my life right about now. Okay, I wouldn't really give anything because I'm still in survival mode and I can't spare anything - take that future me - you get nothing from now me!

Jen wrote about what she's been thinking today which feels like the exact same thing that I've been thinking of - but the mirror image... sort of.

Only in that I am doing what I planned out for my life all along my life - yet letting work get in the way instead of the other way around. I love photography - it makes me feel super egotistically cool that some people like my way enough to want me to take their picture... but shouldn't I be enjoying these years? The 3s are my favorite age and I'm about to have TWO kids in that general area. What luck! I'm not being sarcastic - I mean, believe me, I know the drawbacks. But there are also the hilarious conversations and unabashed cuddling and all that.

Example: I'm on the couch today reading. I hear small footsteps heading up the stairs and hear Jack narrate his way to me via dramatic whispering as he goes into each room to find me "Uh! Oh! Who's here- what's in here-" When I call out to let him know where I am he says, "Oh! I hear Momma, is she over here? Where's she going to be?" And as he turns the corner shirtless I realize he's not narrating to himself but to Finn who, also shirtless, is dutifully following him around on this mock adventure.

At a school meeting Friday one of the moms was talking about how fairness is evenly distributed over a family's lifetime. So where moms pack in a lion's share of butt wiping and the like at the beginning of the family stage there is a balance to the work, to the responsibility, to the difficulty of any family that comes with time. So, hold on thru the years and you get to see your spouse suffer too? No, no, that's not the point at all! Silly! But it is sort of what has gotten me thru days before - the idea that I'm putting in my extra hard years in order to glory in the days when all the kids are in full time school and I get to do whatever I want from 9-3 because Steve, being the responsible sort of guy he is, will still be working and I will still be house-wifing and dang it if that's not going to someday be a cushier job than it is now.

But am I sabotaging myself by inching ever closer to a career in photography? Do I want a career? No... but I don't really want to give up the possibility of one in photography.

Does it matter? Is now NOT the time to be fighting myself about it because the kids are OBVIOUSLY still very much in need of me? I mean, why not just chill out a couple years til I'm in sort of the place that Jen is where she is about to jump off a newer more free cliff of ... cliff diving? No - don't do that - that's *so* New Moon. I mean I believe 110% in God's plan being fulfilled - so if I'm meant to be a great photographer - then taking a break won't stop that. It's not like I'm on the verge of something awesome. I'm just plugging away, doing what I do... and hopefully getting better every year in both art and family.

Am I just balancing it just perfectly right now and am only *worrying* about me not balancing like I didn't balance so well last year or the year before?

I am a very potent worrier you know. I could indeed sabotage myself by worry alone...

Google's Worst Enemy

So my blog is attached to my old hotmail account. My email is connected to - surprise surprise- my new gmail account. This makes posting to this blog annoying because I'm always logged into my gmail and want to check my gmail whilst blogging.

In the olden days if I just logged in on two tabs I could trick the google account police into letting me be logged in to both at the same time.

They somehow shored up that hole.

Well, I am not easily dissuaded. Now if I log in/out in/out/in on two separate tabs I can still trick it.

The folks at Google don't even know what they are up against.

A glimpse...

This was taken at our last brownie meeting of the season. How much does this remind you of a college party in which there has already been much alcohol consumed?

*no alcohol was served at this event or to these girls...

Apologies

Of course after being all nostalgic about how I'll be nostalgic in the future about not remembering the present I started looking back at the blogs... and it's painfully obvious I used to be A LOT funnier.

http://burntfudge.blogspot.com/2007/01/its-warm.html

and

http://burntfudge.blogspot.com/2007/02/it-was-worst-of-times.html

Can't Catch Hold

I couldn't imagine not remembering the cutest most wonderful little moments when Abby was our only baby.

I was shocked to only barely remember things that had been constant everyday trials or joys as I watched others get to the same point with their babies.

Then came Jack and this time I knew it would be hard to remember everything - but still... certainly I thought, I'd never forget THIS.

Only to go back on the blog and be shocked what I'd forgotten just weeks later, months later.

Now I look at Finn with my usual spirit of "accepting what you can't change" and I'm just - trying to catch these moments and hold on so I'll remember but I know that won't work. I know that I'll only barely remember how incredibly cute he is as he toddles quickly around as if he owns the place.

I mean, I'm impatient to get to the point where I can talk life out with the kids rather than go moment to moment from head crash to hysterical over something or other. But I want still want to remember everything as I hopefully move passed it.

I was reading him a story and he knows a lot of his letter sounds and he's just so cute as he says them and he giggles at the silliest simplest things. And he brings people the remote if we have forgotten to fast forward thru the commercials or heaven forfend if we're NOT watching 'wipeout'.

Anyway, while reading the story I grabbed his little face and kissed him and hugged him so much he was TRYING to get into his crib. But he's just so dang cute and I can't believe I won't even be able to imagine this stage as I look back at it in video and pictures. I'll cry out "I can't believe how little Finn was! I remember that look!" but really, I'll really only be able to really truly see Finn as whatever age Finn is at that moment. This all will be like a movie memory - flat and not quite tangible.

It's the tangible I long to keep. The softness of the skin, the feel of the cuddle and the pats on the back as he expresses his happiness that I have retrieved him from the crib in the morning or after nap.

sigh... I still feel wrapped up in a time whirlwind. I am scattered in the wind.

Catch-22

Jack was drowsy in the car on the way home from pre-school. He nodded off as we pulled into the garge.

I put sleeping Finn in his crib then walked Jack up to sleep in our bed. Everything seemed perfect.

Jack could not fall asleep.

Jack did not fall asleep.

I could not cheat and drive him back to sleep because Finn was asleep in the crib.

Now he will fall asleep on the way to pick up Abby. This would be best if I could leave early so he got more sleep before 4pm which would then push back his bedtime. However I can't put Finn in a car seat an hour early because he will have already slept and will eventually get pissed off and then will scream and there I will be stuck with a screaming Finn and a woken up Jack who not only will tantrum due to lack of sleep will also keep EVERYONE else up tonight with night terrors because his nap wasn't perfect.

GOOD
nIGHT
NURSE

update: okay, so Steve has been telling me for YEARS... YEARS not to be defeated so easily so... Finn woke up cranky - instead of putting him back down I put them both in the car at 2 (abby's pick up is 3). Jack went to sleep. Finn is talking. I debated and debated and decided to come back home - put Jack to bed in bed (it worked - in fact the only reason it didn't work the first time is that I believe if he knows he's going to poop he doesn't go to sleep - great something I once again have no control over) and Finn is watching Barney not stuck in a car seat. What about sweet Abby you ask? She's off to after school day care... another sacrifice in the war on sleepless nights.

One more note. The thing that makes this all the more urgent is that EVERYONE sleeps ALL NIGHT long as long as Jack gets his nap. It's a tad more complicated than that perhaps, but not much. We're not giving up this progress without a fight.

Survival Mode

I was at Abby's Daisy Troop sleepover (which was super fun but not long enough says me - perhaps not says Steve) and the other moms there (who's girls were all the younger of their children - excepting for Maggie with Gus who doesn't count cuz he's so cute and easy).

And they were talking about what they were most looking forward to in Summer. And they came around to me and I just looked at them all like they were crazy. Summer? I'm not looking forward to SUMMER! Are you all crazy? I have a hubby that doesn't take vacations and even if he did, vacations are not relaxing, they are just times when I have no childcare for my children!

There's a time in the future - somewhere where I think vacation will be awesome - or summers or what ever... but not this day...

Abby LOVES the laundry

So due to recent events our laundry has gotten out of control.

It's clean, but it's in baskets piled to the moon.

So I resolved to make a dent in that today and I did. The boys clothes are all put away - mine is set up at least in the right area, the towels are together etc.

I brought Abby's consolidated laundry up to her room and took everything OUT of her closet and re-organized with her at bedtime.

She had a BLAST.

I don't remember the last time she was so totally content for such a long time - just thrilled. Thanking me every two minutes for passing her more clothes or for letting her help.

She actually wanted to do it alone she told me, but at the same time was glad I was there for my help.

Sheesh, she's just looking for some sort of sweetness medal. She EVEN... I almost forgot about this. So, my sentimental girl, when faced with a skirt that was for 6 year olds argued for it's life here in her closet by saying, "but mom, I like to keep this for the memories."

BUT three minutes later I gathered three things up that need to be donated and she was FINE with it. That girl is dying for more responsibility.

Fix Me

Jack was hyper before bed or rather, DURING bedtime routine tonight. So it took a lot of non-interactingly putting him back to bed:
his blankets "aren't working"
he wants crackers next to him on the bed
he wants his water refilled
he wants a kiss where he bumped his head
he wants crackers to eat
he wants his crackers waiting for him on the railing of the bed
he wants quick kisses
he wants to send kisses to me

Finally I tag team to Steve who, oddly enough, has less patience for all this but 7000x more patience than he did a few months ago. Sleep does do wonders. Anyway, somehow this sets up an anxiety response in Jack and that's my cue.

BECAUSE, unfortunately for Steve, as soon as he gets Jack to that point I know all I have to do is go in, do my normal routine or hug and kiss and "nigh nigh" and it will be done.

This time I went back in after Steve was showing signs of cracking under the insanity and Jack said, "Momma, can you fix me?" He wanted me to kiss his head again where he bumped it and I did and he said "Nigh Nigh" and then "I love you Momma" This is brand new. As in the last night or two and if its designed to melt my heart into a pile of mush, it achieves it's purpose very well.

And... that was it.

Vaguely Self Aware

There's also something up with me.

I believe that unless it's my KIDS or FICTION, I'm a bit emotionally detached. And I've been blaming that on a lot of people that have come in and around me and I just am starting to wonder... what about before person x? Was I like that before person x and oh my gosh, just as I was writing this I know who being a part of my life changed everything in the direction of the detached.

Wow.

That is weird.

I was 15? And it was a boy. And most of you will know who I mean right away. Ha. Okay, well, knowing that, that's got to help, right?

You are so lucky. I was just going to waffle on and on about this, and now I don't have to.

Something up with Jack

If I was a really real cool blogger I would insert a link to the Nightmare Before Christmas song with the lyric of my title.

The problem with being a parent for me is that I am so very often in survival mode that it is very difficult for me to detach myself and see from a distance patterns that might mean something.

I mean, hey I'm on the look out for patterns moment to moment constantly "when Finn says this he means this and if I don't help him get that he'll do this and cause that and that is really really bad"

But really being able to pick up on developmental cues etc, I'm not so good on that. I mean, I get that there is a spectrum and I haven't had huge cause for alarm so screw it. We'll figure it out. As my mom always says, "they'll sleep through the night when they're in college" so you know, it had to start before that, you just don't know the exact time in between now and then. And it's partly because I'm not an ambitious parent anymore than I am an ambitious career person (meaning I do not try to push their learning milestones, I don't care when they walk or how they write their 'r's until the teachers tell me I'm supposed to get them to write their r's right). I love them to a ridiculous degree. Try very hard to show it in my face how thrilled I am that they are HERE and MINE (a bit more of a challenge with my Abby since she comes in so very often with just... such 7 year old things to say even if she knows if she comes in one more time three hours passed bedtime it means Mommy is going to be CRANKY). But if they are in the honors group or the at the right level group? Don't care. Not yet anyway.

Ugh, tangent - I did love always being in honors - honors classes seemed a whole lot easier than regular, a lot funner... but thats beside the current point.

The current point is that we are going to seek evaluation and magic course of action for Jack. Because he is thriving so well at school right now because he happens to be at a school in which they care SO much they do better with him than I do. No matter how good and loving the teachers may be in grade school, they can't take the sort of time it took Milly to bond with Jack. I mean, I KNOW, he'll be older, he'll be awesome. I have no doubt. But he is a passionate guy and with that passion comes... uh, passion.

I'm not labeling him - I'm not SERIOUSLY worried, I'm just looking for some insights into what makes Jack different and what he needs from us to help him transition and gain more control emotionally.

I really have not been particularly anything about this until yesterday. I'd already had the first consultation with a child psychologist lady and she had woke up some parts of my brain realizing a big issue (main issue?) is Jack has a hard time regulating his passions. He can't help being scared, anxious, panicked, etc and he doesn't know how to bring himself back from the cliff very easily.

So yesterday, with that in my head, Jack wakes up from a nap IN a fuss. It gets no better as we drive off to pick up Abby. Instead of trying to get him to stop with sharp simple words, I hold onto his calf/leg and tell him simply that he's fine (internally fyi I want to scream my head off back at him). He kicks my hand away so okay, I'm not going to put him in a position where now he's in trouble because he's kicking me, so I take my hand away. The tantrum turns into full on panic, crazy total panic. He's saying words that I don't understand (initial tantrum brought on because he wanted to be back with Caiah and Max who'd spent the morning with him), but FINALLY I understand he's saying "put your hand back on my leg momma" but of course the words are coming out in the wrong order.

I put my hand back on his leg and he struggles but he gets himself under control, but it's as if he's just had the more harrowing experience of his life. I.E. even while calm, he was REALLY upset. Not "i'm a bratty spoiled kid upset" but, upset.

And it came together. I mean, not to take any power away from him, because obviously he CAN get control, but the realization was that this is a very very hard thing for him to do and it shouldn't be this hard at his age.

SO my love Jack, we're going to help, you're going to be fine. And I can't wait to see you grow up.