2009 - Impending Finn

From my blog January 25:

"I've mentioned this before too - but I feel this weird... feeling that I'm in a rush all the time now. With photography more than anything else. Like, impending... something."

I must have already been pregnant but did not have ANY clue whatsoever. I didn't know exactly what was thinking of even at the time... but wow. In tune much?

Pregnancy was indeed the eternity I feared it would be, but it is already an eternity away, and I've had Finn forever.

Jack has been playing with Cars forever and Abby's already been in Kindergarten for forever.

I think, in these first initial months I can already see a huge difference in the positive Finn has made in our household, but particularly in Steve and I. For the first time I really and truly feel like an adult, a parent, a homemaker. For the ten years we've been married I've always felt, at least partially that there was an element of "playing house." Yes I adored my kids, and I parented my kids, but t all felt so weird to take a step back and say yes, I'm a PARENT. Did I start having kids particularly young? No, but it just really hasn't all felt real until now.

Saying out loud that I have THREE kids without saying the THREE in capital letters with a sort of fear and awe, haven't mastered that yet. Though, I do feel an incredibly selfish satisfaction in saying it when people ask if Finn s the first.

OOOOH how grateful I am that we have moved on from being first or even second time parents. The saying we heard back in our prenatal classes was "have a second child if at all possble so you can enjoy it." Obviously, underneath all the fear and stress and confusion that came with Abby (#ONE), I had a pretty incredibly good time with her. But enjoy it? Even just looking back on the blog I can confidently say I enjoyed Jack as a baby to a ridiculous degree, and Finn - I mean Finn is like a (very manly) cupcake on top of the icing on the cake. I think I'm finally at that place where I'm enjoying it. As much as I'm capable as a person of enjoying things which I am not in control of. ;)

I think I know now what people mean when they say they hadn't felt really complete as a family. I hadn't intended to have a third munchkin, but now that I have him, it's not just because I don't ever want to be pregnant again that I feel complete, it's just... a feeling - like an easing of the mind. THIS is our family. NOW when I look back it feels like I kept trying to make it feel right to be Abby and Jack and us period.

Ah well, in general as we near the end of the year I feel less frantic, less rushed. I feel more grounded, more steady, more ready to take on my work as mom and person and photographer.

I'm still not totally ready in the school department but I'm feeling more like a plucky newcomer than a beat down confused toddler.

I'm seeing Abby be completely and totally a kid - no trace of the baby or toddler left in her. Wow she's sensitive, but not in a pushover sort of way. She loves her friends with heartfelt intensity. She isn't too old to want to join in the wrestle wars between Jack and Steve. You just have to really really listen and you'll hear her deepest heart. She has a ton of energy and is excited to be learning new things at school. Her whining soundds more lke a mimic of me or tv than the real thing.

I'm seeing Jack learn the agony and triumph of words - he struggles with a word, really struggles with it... and we understand it... and still say no ("mcqueen car book please" - "no babe its 2am"). i wish I could explain why he is so charming even though he is so very 2. But... he's just absolutely ... charming. He'll come on over and sile up to me, sling an arm around my neck and bring my face to hs while he watches CARS. It's just this feeling, this fun sweet machismo...in case it's not painfully obvious - he's no pushover either.

I'm seeing Finn's personality - sweet, fun, a little more reserved (might eat those words). He's not too demanding, but no pushover. Basically he's patient - that's the word for him. He cannot help smiling a you if you smile a him. He loves loves loves anything visual (particularly the tv). He gave Abby his first social smile and looks at Jack like he can't wait to join his troublemaking club.

All this negative connotation to pushovers is unintentional... it just so happens I don't have any in my genes to pass along. ;)

I mean we're not skatng thru life - there is always that moment of panic when all three insist they need you and their hearts will break if you don't come thru RIGHT at that moment, but because there really is no way to make it happen, it's a little easier to take a breath and just take it one kid at a time.

I found myself booked with clients, still wishing I could be paid by some nameless entity rather than the friends that my clients usually become. I put my foot down more than I had last year... but probably not enough. I've learned a ton. A whole lot and yet seemed to have dropped most of the lessons from where I'm consciously aware of them, then I look back and thnk 'OOOH that's righ - I keep doing that when want to be doing this."

I just feel... more grown up in every place n my life. And that's good.