Stages of Human Raising

My brother called moms human raisers in a previous comment and I thought it was quite appropriate.

I guess it is Jack's entrance into our family that has Steve and I looking back so much. Steve *does* get sentimental people... which he may try to hide but Abby often outs him. Yesterday Abby asked me which princess was my favorite and I said Sleeping Beauty and I jokingly asked her which princess is Daddy's favorite. And she giggled and answered immediately, "He said I am." Tee hee. Caught you honey.

Then there's Micaiah's acceptance into pre-school and our application to Kindergarten, it's watching Joshua crawl and Anna wean - it's all triggering a lot of memories. And with them come the recognition of a lot of transitions that passed by us in a blink of the eye. Most of them I noticed as they rushed passed but couldn't really see until now.

Geez, I can remember being pregnant with Abby and wondering if I'd be competitive with a girl (answer: no). And I remember looking more forward to how the grandparents would be with a baby than what the baby itself would be for me.

As I eagerly look for personality cues in Jack, it is all too easy to compare him with what I remember of Abby at this age. Now I could have just been too overwhelmed with her to have tried, but as I remember it Abby needed us around from about age... 10 days. I remember for a while there I could put her down for a nap and she would make a little barking noise (just like Jack) when she was awake... no big whoop. But then, there was no such thing as putting her down... or if there was - she expected us to be right there. The thing about Abby was that even though I remember her being shy (not letting just anyone hold her) she was always always social first. She wanted interaction but she was SO easy if you just gave her your attention. As my mom put it way back then, she was always just waiting for us to make her smile. The very smallest effort was awarded with grins.

Jack already seems content if not eager for a little space. When he is fussy and there is nothing else obviously wrong it is usually a cue that he wants to lay on the ground and bark at the ceiling and flail around a little. I wonder how life would have been different if I'd known all how to wrap with Abby... it may have been revolutionary. Either that or she would never have gotten out of it and I'd be running around with a hernia now.

The transition that I was happiest with and yet is the most bitter sweet when I look back is the attachment. When you are a stay at home mom it is a blessing and a curse that you spend generally 24/7 with your child. When that child is an only child especially the relationship is... intensely close. I knew where everything she did and said came from... I knew her moods and patterns like they were my own. And then we weaned and I remember that moment when I could just tell there had been a shift. A natural shift - not like some tragic break or something like that. I was proud and tickled to see her pulling away ... creating her own little world and self.

It all happens so gradually and with quite a bit of effort on the human raiser's part - the stretching and eventual breaking of all those shimmery invisible spider threads that connected us. Weaning, longer and longer adventures with Poppa, Nights at Gramma's, less and less looking back to me, more and more firmly telling me to leave so that she could have her own time with her friends (then Grandpa and Becky and Samantha)... these were all little strings stretching and stretching until they disappeared. And finally there was pre-school and wanting to go potty in private.

With pre-school came the need for quiet in the car (I don't wanna talk right now, Momma) as she digested all she'd learned and done. With pre-school came the massive influx of other kid's words, actions, thoughts, pressures even.

And now she's a little girl completely... and I know instinctively that the bond we had then will help us keep a bond in the future, but it's still a little heart-breaking to know... she's got memories now. I remember pre-school a little... I remember a LOT of Kindergarten. From here on out it's a blink until ... well... everything.

I would never go back, though - a little encouragement to those currently in love with your first child - having the second is eeriely like getting the first back for a few weeks.

It only gets better. It only gets more fun and more wonderful. There is also something to be said for being able to enjoy your child with so much personal freedom... as yourself in other words, rather than a 24/7 dedicated human-raiser. But, don't get too excited. Once the threads are gone and you're no longer physically attached to your child's needs, you're still... physically attached to their time table. They do have to get to and from places constantly and usually with supplies. Diapers and wipes are replaced with snacks and school projects and the right shoes. It's all up to you to get to school in time to sign them up for that after school program they desperately want to go to... and, of course, it is up to you to fill their social calendar and make them socially acceptable.

And, very honestly, even though my heart aches when I think back on Abby as a cuddly one year old... deeply aches... I can only appreciate it completely without the next day looming over us... I can look back now and love those times and laugh at those tantrums and roll my eyes at all my insecurities and fears because ... they are over.

I see other moms in the next stage... the stage of being done with the babies and reclaiming their own independence within the taxi-ing duties of that stage... and I know I'll be there so quickly. But at least I'll have pictures. ;)

a LOT of pictures...


And... seriously... I'll have the love. The two things that come out so strongly from these memories are how much I adored being there, loving her and OH how much she loved her Momma.

And that is what the wages of being a human-raiser are. Unconditional love... at least until we say no to that third cookie. It's not really such a bad deal, is it?