Ahhh, There it is...

I thought I was doing great - turning the tide, getting somewhere until I dropped Abby off at school today and everyone asked me how I was doing and suddenly I didn't think I was doing that great.

Why am I having such a hard time enjoying Abby during this time? I am determined to make her feel loved and special. I am determined to give her that time to run and be crazy. I am completely aware Jack is fine and won't miss me or notice if I am focused on Abby. It's definitely not that - i.e. definitely not a sudden emotional connection with Jack that has me on edge with Abby. She hasn't been replaced in my heart at all. It's just like I tense up when I'm around her... not *all* the time obviously, we still giggle and I thought we were doing better... but maybe the return to "normal" life (i.e. school) brought into focus how much things have changed or how uprooted we currently are.

How do I change myself? The tiniest and least thing I always do is make sure I am looking her in the eye when she's talking to me - really acknowledging her no matter what else is going on - I've mentioned that before. But the thing is, I'm not nearly, not even slightly as anxious as I was the first time around... at least, not with Jack, but after all, I'm not concerned about Jack... In general, besides liking to be warm and close I have a sense that Jack is very 'boy' and won't have quite the same needs as Abby. So, thats the key I think. Just as I've said - it doesn't really have anything to do with what is happening, my natural tendency is to be anxious and so even though I'm all happy not to be anxious about the new baby, the anxiety is still there - just focused more on Abby.

Ha! I thought I'd escaped it, but I suppose one doesn't cure oneself quite this quickly... it's a sneaky thing. You'd think it would be obvious, but I really just figured out what was going on today. SO as G.I. Joe would say, "Knowing is half the battle." Not sure why they didn't tackle postpartum anxiety in those little public service announcements.

So... right. Now I know. Now I can change it. Score.

p.s. Can I just say how weird it is that it is so easy for me to fix these things once I understand what is happening? It's weird. Just spent an evening that would have driven me up the wall yesterday and it was totally fine.