Unusually Concrete

To preface my little post here - I do not totally know what Miss Milly means half the time when she talks about how remarkably aware and what a concrete thinker Jack is.  I tried to google it, but only got the little babycenter explanation of the 7-10 year old phase.

But I think I have a very telling example.  Every day of pre-school, from the very first day, I park toward the back of the parking lot so Jack can run down a little hill and down a ramp sort of area that leads into the pre-school grounds.  Two weeks ago Jack was on his way down the hill as usual when he stopped short in the middle of the road.  He had just noticed the driving directional arrows.  

At first he followed the one pointing to the left as that is where the pre-school is, that made sense to me.  But he stopped, went back to the no mans land in between the two arrows, obviously troubled by the arrow going straight.  He tried to follow both by going straight a few feet then rounding to the other arrow, but he knew that wasn't quite right either.

Of course this day I had snack balanced in one hand and Finn on my hip and really did not know how to quickly verbally get Jack out of this dilemma.  I finally sort of muscled him to his ramp and that was that.  Until it was time to go home.  Now, NONE of the arrows were going in the direction I wanted to go and I absolutely understood that this was a CONCEPT that Jack was wrestling with, his face was intently concentrating on the conundrum at hand...  but still... could we be in a less exposed place to work on these things please? Maybe? 

I'm going to have to bring my own arrows around with me.

Sign of the Times

I have just realized that Steve and I have both, independently of one another, started using the phrase "So help me..."

In context it is Jack or Abby wanting to do something "fun" which most adults would consider "dangerous" but not dangerous enough at their age to actually stop them.  Usually it involves copying something "Wipeout" related.

Steve just said, "Fine. But so help me, if one of you gets hurt you can go cry to your Momma."

I usually say, "FINE. But so help me, you can call Uncle Aaron to tell him we're on the way to have him stitch you up."

Unfair

I spent an hour upstairs watching tv all by myself today. It's not like I can't take time like this, but especially on weekends that Steve is home, I'd just as well sit here and watch him wrestle all kids at once so that I can see their faces all flushed rather than just hearing the joyful battle yells (yes even Finn has a battle cry) from afar.

So I'm upstairs in our bedroom.  I feel good, refreshed to have had a little silence, a little mindless reflection.  I'm on my way downstairs and Jack is upstairs in the living room - spots me and runs to me as if he hasn't seen me in ages.  I notice right away he needs a change, so I bring him downstairs to take care of him.

I lie him down and he looks sad.  And he says, with no whine in his voice - just a sad, quiet tone: "Momma, I lost you."
"You lost me?"
"I sad, Jack sad.  I sitting in the chair ...[couldn't] found you."
I repeated it back to him so he knew I understood and assured him I wasn't hiding from him on purpose, told him where I was and gave him a hug.
So he'd been up there a while I guess, just sitting, assuming me gone.
It was SO. SAD.

Not as if he was traumatized, I did have to ASK for the hug before he ran off to play.  But it was the TONE OF VOICE. 

Completely unfair. Parenting... once again, not for wimps.

Jack's Video Message to Zoozy

Cliche Stupid

I consider myself an intelligent person.  I did very well at school without really ever trying - I did try now and then when I really cared - say at memorizing the entire Art History book to prepare for the AP test.

I'm generally pretty smart socially too.  I mean, hey - I stick my foot in my mouth often, but I see it usually pretty quick.  I didn't waste my life on damaging relationships.  My most dysfunctional male/female relationship was a friend who didn't like me like I liked him.  But we never ran around as friends with benefits or anything like that.  My most dysfunctional friend relationship - well, I think I handled that one eventually pretty well too.

I have talents.  I can draw, I can paint, I can bake (just because I don't want to bake anything DIFFERENT doesn't mean I can't bake).  I am a decent writer.  I can figure out very basic household problems.


BUT I seem to be uber-slow picking up on the most simple cliched common sense.

Like today I made goals for the morning while Jack was at school.  Not a list.  Goals.  And lo and behold, I got them done.

HmmMMm so THIS is what people mean that its important to set goals.

Stay tuned next week see me have an epiphany about not putting metal in the microwave (which by the way, mom, you never taught me - I learned from a sitcom in college and thought... geez, I'm glad I've never done that)

Routine, someone give me a ROUTINE!

Who are the crazy people that complain that their lives are routine?  I long for routine, a routine I can count on. 

To some extent I have a very clear, strict routine.  School, bedtime - same everyday.  That pretty much takes up my whole day to keep that routine running.

I'm sure it's possible to also incorporate the things I feel are horribly deficient, but I seem to hit a brick wall every time I try to restore balance to the world.

Jack in Imagination land

You won't be surprised to hear that Jack's forray into the world of imagination is directly centered around Thomas the Train. He intently watches a show over and over again and then abandons the tv and recreates, scene for scene, the story, paying particular attention to dramatic notes.

This in itself is really really cute - and he's been doing it for a while (recreating CARS was first - "mac! mac! don't leave! mac!").

But what I think is really really cute is when he's in between storylines, just staring at his trains and just starts making them interact like everyday life "Hi, I'm Happy Thomas." "Hi, I'm James." "I'm sad." "Oh no, why you sad?" "Oh *gobbligook*"

Sigh, so in love with this stage where he can play by himself for quite a while.

More on Vampires and Such

A very nice someone who was not rude at all about it was recently shaking her head at me for liking another Vampire thing and I didn't want to sound defensive, but I am NOT one of those people that just loves everything goth and vampire.

I have actually avoided most Vampire type things. I read Dracula as a Jr. in High School and loved it - but more for the vamp hunters.

I read one Barbara Hambly where the vampire is a good guy and that was compelling.

Twilight I totally got madly into even whilst hating it. So I certainly understand the comment, but considering how much I really do hate Twilight as much as I liked the journey, it's so totally not true.

Of course my two Being Human rants again make me look like a liar, but I think the attraction is that I love a character to NOT be slave to their circumstances or bad choices. I do not do well with characters who make stupid mistakes - who believe the wrong person other than the person they were supposed to be loyal to. And in general, if the vampire is a "good" character they are also fairly wise because they have fought against themselves, their nature, their community if you will, and are just trying to figure out how to live out the rest of their days - they are trying to be redeeming without truly assuming they can be redeemed.

Oh crud, I forgot about True Blood. Okay, in MY DEFENSE the WORLD is vampire crazy right now so it's hard to get away from in the non-reality realm! But you may (or may not) be surprised to know that there are people who care only that the character IS a vampire in order to like them, love them, follow them.

I'm basically a character driven follower. Not a type driven follower. Unless you count character traits as types.

Better then Gutted but Better

So. I finally got to see the final episode of series 3 of Being Human. I already knew what happened as you may have guessed from my last entry because the creators themselves showed the end along with a statement as soon as it was aired in the UK. So I knew, I even saw the death and the leading up to, but I hadn't actually seen how it all came about as in the rest of the episode. I was just recently able to let it cross my mind without feeling my stomach drop out in grief, so I thought about not watching it right now, but I didn't know how long it would last up illegally on youtube, so I had to make it through or wait three or four more weeks for it to air here in America with twenty minutes cut out of it!

I was pleasantly surprised at the humanity of the writers/creators. At this point in the series it's been quite a while since we've seen the Mitchell I loved anyway, so that lessens the regret slightly - the point is the vampire part of him seems to be winning and unlike a lot of other vampire type things, the vampire part of him is never a good thing.

And even though he's not quite the character I loved, they let all the characters say everything we'd want them to say to each other. The death was basically heroic, still shocking... a lot less like the two friends standing around crying and sort of wimpily doing it (Mitchell doesn't want to kill anyone anymore and knows that he can't be good forever [not sure what message they are sending to addicts around the world since that is definitely how they portrayed the whole bloodlust thing], so he asks his friend to stake him and even that had an appropriate edge to it). I'm going to break out of parenthesis here. But basically rather than kill himself, Mitchell wants George (the werewolf friend) to do it in order to sort of wipe the slate of guilt George has since George knew best what might be going on which indeed had been going on. I know, vague, but it doesn't matter and if you knew the show you'd know what I was talking about.

My point is, I read a lot of stories, I watch a lot of stories. There are a LOT of storytellers out there that have no empathy for the readers that fall into their worlds. Or, worse, prey on the reader's feelings just to eek out more drama, more of a cliffhanger or what have you.

No, these guys have consistently given the audience the whole enchilada. I don't know how to describe it. Rather than having goodbyes almost said, heartfelt confessions only on the tips of the lips - they have the deathbed conversations at the deathbed and then... BOOM there is a knock on the door that inadvertently or dramatically staves off the deathbed after all.

Well in this case, the death still happens but in a different way than assumed, a slightly more satisfying way.

Of course, as is always the case with a storyline - whether because the author is trying to write a path to point G in the future so they have to manipulate you onto that path the best they can or because, in this case, an actor was leaving and they wouldn't recast, there was some messiness.

I.E. a new war is starting with the vampires and yes, it'd suck to have Mitchell forced to do bad things because his friends are in trouble. But there are still three friends & a baby on the way - are they NOT going to be manipulated by this supposedly hugely powerful vampire sect to save each other? And he was the only one with any sort of perspective or strength in the vampire world, but hey - no - go ahead and kill him instead, that makes sense. Honestly, it was a valid choice. I would ALMOST say a Harry Potter type of choice. A brave one. No, it doesn't fix everything - but it fixed THAT problem - no questioning and running around in circles about it, but done and done, now what? So, I dunno, I'm talking myself into it.

This is why I blog I suppose. I feel a knot loosened in my stomach.

Goodbye awesome character. See you in the Hobbit. Is Peter Jackson planning on having attractive dwarves? Certainly would make sense for making the Hobbit a little more Hollywood, and damned if it doesn't even work on me who KNOWS I'm being pandered to. Huh. So. When does that movie come out?

You've got to...

You know the whole "you've got to spend money in order to make money"?

In my house it's "you've got to make a mess in order to clean one up"

The only way to distract Finn from re-destroying something I'm cleaning up is to give him a basket full of plastic dishes and let him fling them every which way everywhere.

Is it a wash? Is it worse? I don't really know, but I know nothing else works.

The Problem With my Heart

There just doesn't seem to be any way around it. Unless the series, whether it be movie, book, or television, I should not start, I should not FIND it before it ends.

Though I hate that Firefly got canceled prematurely, I was happy that I hadn't had to live thru the whole ordeal caring about it. I knew what I was in for before I started.

Harry Potter, I really came in more than half way thru - and even that was practically unbearable. I cannot tell you how relieved I was when it was DONE and done so well, I might add.

This bbc show Being Human - honestly I'm not even sure if it will hold up with my other favorites, true favorites. I fast forward thru a lot of it anyway because it's too intense or bloody. But I love parts of it intensely x twelve. Time will tell, I suppose. But tonight it was over in the UK. They may continue, but one of the main characters has left to do 'The Hobbit.' And that's the end of the possibility of a fairy tale ending. Though, honestly it did end up a bit fairy tale in the end. Oh long story, but I appreciate that they made the decision to HAVE an end and not just have it floating out there in uncertainty cliffhanger land. Oh I'm SO thankful for that. Really, really truly thankful. The only thing that would have made it better was if they had been willing to write off the whole show instead of just the character, because just the way they ended it shows to me that they would have been willing to do a death/supernatural sort of happily ever after. You know? I don't need flowers and valentines - some version of a happy ever after would have sufficed and honestly, they did give me that mostly. As long as I stop watching.

There is the American version to see what they do with that, but it's not the same. I mean, it has part of the charm, but there was just something about this little original cast that was just plain magic. Crazy intense funny magic... (the parts I didn't fast forward ;)).

The creator even summed it up half hilarious and half heartbreaking (I didn't copy the heart stuff):

"...I guess it really hit me back when we were doing series 2, and perhaps unconsciously I shifted the stories in a way that paved Mitchell's exit. I thought it'd be better to have him go out in a scripted satisfying way, rather than lose him between series and open up with the rest of our heroes standing over a grave, with one of them saying "Wow, who'd have guessed Mitchell was SO allergic to bee stings..."


Snort. I totally appreciate that.

Anyway, I'm gutted, really sad even while pondering what it means about me that I care quite so much about the imaginary. Nothing negative, thanks, but I do find it interesting to look out around me and see people being perfectly emotionally fine in the real world focusing on real world stuff and I think. Huh. I'm different than that.

Feet

I've never been big on shoes. In fact... I can't remember what I used to wear in school mostly. Primary I mean - or geez anytime until college. In college I wore the little white sneakers that were the style at the time... Was I into flip flops yet? I don't know, but I DO know when Jen (Johnson at the time) introduced me to...

the MIA wedge.

I STILL fantasize about that shoe. She had them in black I think? I got them in black... then brown... because they were the best shoes ever. Ever. EVER. They were SUPER comfortable, high but not crazy high. They had this sort of ragged tread so that they could be dressed down as easily as they could be dressed up. I remember when the black pair died. I remember knowing I would never be that cool again. It was the shoes. The shoes made me feel so cool.

Off topic alert. As I'm thinking how cool I was that first year at Westmont with my short hair and cool shoes, I just realized a guy that was beyond super cool (on the social hierarchy anyway) probably liked me a little my first year at Westmont. Shared an English class. As I was fairly mid to low level amongst the social spheres I openly "flirted" (was friendly without leading) because I knew it was safe since no one was actually going to LIKE me like me. I mention this not to ring my own bell, but because I think it's funny how incredibly obtuse we can choose to be. There was another boy I thought was too cool for school that asked me out too late (I had already started dating Steve and Steve is cool in a way that is beyond all spheres obviously)... and I nearly blocked it out. Actually to this day I'm not even sure that really happened? Did it? I could swear...

Anyway all this to say I've started wearing shoes for the first time since I had Abby. I just got tired of how cracked and dirty and generally gross my feet were by the end of the day. And as we already know how I get along with shower time, you can imagine it was worse than you think.

It's Good to be the Dad

Oh. My. Gosh.

Okay, look, I get that there are a lot of things that are hard about being dad. I get that it's not great to always have the baby crying out for Momma when you are right there being the funnest thing since the circus and Momma is just leaving the room for two seconds.

But it takes Steve five minutes... or LESS to get both boys to sleep. Not just quiet in their beds but ASLEEP. Today, it took closer to six. Finn was crying sincerely and deeply for me. Steve said, "Finn. Knock it off." and he did. And was asleep in another three minutes.

Yeah boys (who it takes me an HOUR to get settled), thanks a lot for making mom feel like a sucker

The Evolution of a Shower

I remember... vaguely... extremely vaguely the days when taking a shower was an everyday occurrence and somewhat of a non- thing.

Those were the days. I remember in college racing to the shower when I lived in the fishbowl with Jen Wilkes. She was much cooler than me and got up to walk with MaryElise. She was also a LOT more into her showers than me, so whilst it was extremely UNselfless of me, I had basically trained myself to wake up to their chitchat outside, tumble from my bed (with or without my sheets at times), and throw myself into the shower. To be fair to my selfishness, I did take a five minute shower and Jen a twenty so... you know... come on... okay yes I know I'm a jerk.

Then there was work morning showers - I didn't appreciate those either. I didn't want to wake up, I didn't want to be cold when I got OUT of the shower.

Then came Abby. Ahhh, baby showers. The paramount stress was WHEN could you trust the baby to be asleep long enough to take a shower. How awful it was to sort of relax in the shower and get out to realize baby has been screaming for you. It all just seemed not worth it. I had to start inviting friends over to sit in the quiet house while I showered JUST IN CASE Abby woke up. I remember even running out in the middle of a shower hoping to calm her so I could finish my hair.

Then theres the crawling stage, where I would bring a basket of toys into the bathroom and try to get Abby to stay and happily play with toys while I showered. That always ended up with the shower door open and me trying to rinse any part of me even a little between playing with toys.

Oh, then baby #2 arrived and it was combined stress of baby staying asleep and keeping older child focused on something else so if baby did wake up older child would not take it upon themself to pick up baby and most likely drop baby.

Inevitably then came TWO kids in the bathroom, door open, mommy not enjoying shower at all.

Now, we've got #3. Now, I forget to shut the shower door if I don't have kids around because I just assume I'll have to have an open air shower. Now Jack does things like lock both of us in the bathroom and turn off the lights and freak out. Now Finn crawls in the shower while Jack runs all the hot water in the sink washing the soap and Abby tries to tell me things that I have no idea are vital or not. I.E. It could as easily be her telling me she realizes now why she gets so thirsty in the morning or that she accidentally turned on the dishwasher with the laptop inside.

So as I stood there, showering in complete darkness with Jack knocking on the door trying to get someone to rescue us, I wasn't even phased. And I thought... hmmm... showers...

Could it be..

Could I be... maybe sort of ... posting HERE? again?

Oh I don't know.

My reasons for leaving are still all around.

But this is where I feel most myself, with my little blogging history. Even if it is a pain to sign in because it's my old email. Even if it is a pain to... well... mostly it's just a pain to sign in.