Indecision 2008

Sometimes a picture just calls for being messed with. What I have a problem with, is that I mess around with the color for ages and then finally just try black and white and it seems like artsy pictures always lend themselves to the b&w...

(Expecting a talk about politics with that blog title? Don't be silly, who's blog do you think you're looking at?)

Oranges... Delivery Day

It all went much better than we thought it would go. Steve and nine other men unloaded 2000+ 42 pound crates from a truck and reloaded them into about 150 cars and trucks. He injured himself accordingly.

All the non-friends and family have been given their fruit and some friends and family too. No one was rude or weird.

If you have ordered Oranges or Grapefruit from me, I will be attempting delivery soon... very soon...

In Honor of Jen

In honor of Jen's year review in which she made a startling confession I would like to share that I have Jack wrapped in the Moby hug hold at the moment. He's asleep after struggling to get to sleep for a frustrating hour. I just felt a rather warm sensation on my belly signaling that he's probably leaked through his diaper. Do you think I'm going to take him out, wake him up and disturb him?

Nope.

Didn't even think about it.

The Unexpected Result

I know the sales are not really for our benefit - they have some cool way of making sure they are all well taken care of. But really, who can resist buy one get one free? Especially on something you LIKE! Well I went a little Dreyer's crazy when it was buy one get one free and darned if I'm not addicted to it now. Sneaky buggers.

Stages of Human Raising

My brother called moms human raisers in a previous comment and I thought it was quite appropriate.

I guess it is Jack's entrance into our family that has Steve and I looking back so much. Steve *does* get sentimental people... which he may try to hide but Abby often outs him. Yesterday Abby asked me which princess was my favorite and I said Sleeping Beauty and I jokingly asked her which princess is Daddy's favorite. And she giggled and answered immediately, "He said I am." Tee hee. Caught you honey.

Then there's Micaiah's acceptance into pre-school and our application to Kindergarten, it's watching Joshua crawl and Anna wean - it's all triggering a lot of memories. And with them come the recognition of a lot of transitions that passed by us in a blink of the eye. Most of them I noticed as they rushed passed but couldn't really see until now.

Geez, I can remember being pregnant with Abby and wondering if I'd be competitive with a girl (answer: no). And I remember looking more forward to how the grandparents would be with a baby than what the baby itself would be for me.

As I eagerly look for personality cues in Jack, it is all too easy to compare him with what I remember of Abby at this age. Now I could have just been too overwhelmed with her to have tried, but as I remember it Abby needed us around from about age... 10 days. I remember for a while there I could put her down for a nap and she would make a little barking noise (just like Jack) when she was awake... no big whoop. But then, there was no such thing as putting her down... or if there was - she expected us to be right there. The thing about Abby was that even though I remember her being shy (not letting just anyone hold her) she was always always social first. She wanted interaction but she was SO easy if you just gave her your attention. As my mom put it way back then, she was always just waiting for us to make her smile. The very smallest effort was awarded with grins.

Jack already seems content if not eager for a little space. When he is fussy and there is nothing else obviously wrong it is usually a cue that he wants to lay on the ground and bark at the ceiling and flail around a little. I wonder how life would have been different if I'd known all how to wrap with Abby... it may have been revolutionary. Either that or she would never have gotten out of it and I'd be running around with a hernia now.

The transition that I was happiest with and yet is the most bitter sweet when I look back is the attachment. When you are a stay at home mom it is a blessing and a curse that you spend generally 24/7 with your child. When that child is an only child especially the relationship is... intensely close. I knew where everything she did and said came from... I knew her moods and patterns like they were my own. And then we weaned and I remember that moment when I could just tell there had been a shift. A natural shift - not like some tragic break or something like that. I was proud and tickled to see her pulling away ... creating her own little world and self.

It all happens so gradually and with quite a bit of effort on the human raiser's part - the stretching and eventual breaking of all those shimmery invisible spider threads that connected us. Weaning, longer and longer adventures with Poppa, Nights at Gramma's, less and less looking back to me, more and more firmly telling me to leave so that she could have her own time with her friends (then Grandpa and Becky and Samantha)... these were all little strings stretching and stretching until they disappeared. And finally there was pre-school and wanting to go potty in private.

With pre-school came the need for quiet in the car (I don't wanna talk right now, Momma) as she digested all she'd learned and done. With pre-school came the massive influx of other kid's words, actions, thoughts, pressures even.

And now she's a little girl completely... and I know instinctively that the bond we had then will help us keep a bond in the future, but it's still a little heart-breaking to know... she's got memories now. I remember pre-school a little... I remember a LOT of Kindergarten. From here on out it's a blink until ... well... everything.

I would never go back, though - a little encouragement to those currently in love with your first child - having the second is eeriely like getting the first back for a few weeks.

It only gets better. It only gets more fun and more wonderful. There is also something to be said for being able to enjoy your child with so much personal freedom... as yourself in other words, rather than a 24/7 dedicated human-raiser. But, don't get too excited. Once the threads are gone and you're no longer physically attached to your child's needs, you're still... physically attached to their time table. They do have to get to and from places constantly and usually with supplies. Diapers and wipes are replaced with snacks and school projects and the right shoes. It's all up to you to get to school in time to sign them up for that after school program they desperately want to go to... and, of course, it is up to you to fill their social calendar and make them socially acceptable.

And, very honestly, even though my heart aches when I think back on Abby as a cuddly one year old... deeply aches... I can only appreciate it completely without the next day looming over us... I can look back now and love those times and laugh at those tantrums and roll my eyes at all my insecurities and fears because ... they are over.

I see other moms in the next stage... the stage of being done with the babies and reclaiming their own independence within the taxi-ing duties of that stage... and I know I'll be there so quickly. But at least I'll have pictures. ;)

a LOT of pictures...


And... seriously... I'll have the love. The two things that come out so strongly from these memories are how much I adored being there, loving her and OH how much she loved her Momma.

And that is what the wages of being a human-raiser are. Unconditional love... at least until we say no to that third cookie. It's not really such a bad deal, is it?

Matching Wraps, Same Backpack

My mom made Abby and I matching wraps. The funny thing is that Abby's baby looks just as real if not more.


My mom made me this backpack when I was in kindergarten

When the Wind Blows...

"The Santa Anas (winds) aren't gone yet" A news reporter said yesterday afternoon. Hmm. I thought.

By last evening the windows were all shaking with the force of the wind and Abby's new soccer goal was about to have the adventure of it's lifetime.

Julie and I were heading off to dinner when I noted the goal standing by the garage door and thought of moving it into shelter, but really our driveway area is pretty well pinned in... surely it couldn't be in too much danger.

Well, when we got back from dinner it was gone.

Just vanished.

Like from a Law&Order episode.

I thought maybe I needed to look outside the box so I made sure to look up, to the side, under... out the drive, into the neighbor's yards, into our back yard... nothing.

I jokingly told Julie to call if she saw it on the road on the way home.

Well she called... She saw it all right... at the very end of this street:




And it looked like this...I'm not exactly a plant person but I counted at least five different types of plant life the goal had come into contact with during it's journey.

Calm My Anxious Heart: 1

What has struck me so far:

• "God... is the blessed controller of all things the king over all kings and the master of all masters (1Timothy 6:15)" [didn't notice those dots before... see? topic studies tend to leave out what doesn't apply... oh well, whatever it really says, it probably doesn't dull the point I got from it]

Basically she used this verse to illustrate how silly it is to take on the worrying and doubting mantle when I profess that I both believe that God IS all this authority and that I have chosen to Him to be Lord of my life and heart.

For example, I often doubt decisions Steve and I make especially if I have no idea what to do and I secretly don't think Steve knows either. I want to stop that because God gave me Steve as a partner and gosh darn it, I believe it was a pretty awesome gift - so, right or wrong, whatever we choose together is going to just get us further along in our lives... we'll learn from mistakes and feel proud in our successes... and, knowing us as I do, we won't beat ourselves up too long with the wrongs and somehow they will become witty dinner banter eventually.

• The author's friend's missionary mom's prescription for contentment:

Never allow yourself to complain about anything - not even the weather (oh hey, I don't so much agree with that one, but I think it would be a good idea to lessen the complaining I currently do. I agree that it can become all you can see if you allow it too much freedom from your lips or thoughts, I agree that to speak it is to focus on it, and I think it is exceptionally refreshing to take a 'complaining break' where you go through an entire day and thank God for everything that crosses your path on that given day - good or bad)

Never picture yourself in any other circumstance or someplace else (except, I can envision how I want to better myself or my situation - not like become a rock star, but implement a laundry strategy and do it)

Never compare your lot with another's (hard, but totally agree - as I was talking to Beth today it's so obvious in baby-rearing that the one thing that drives you batty as a mom is the thing the mom next door most wants their baby to do... never compare)

Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise (I don't do this TOO much except when we're talking about lemon cars or outdoor playhouses with no roof... er hmm... am I complaining again?)

Never dwell on tomorrow - remember that tomorrow is God's, not ours (well, hey, it's mine too - given from God - but this affected me very much because with a baby/child it is SO hard to stay focused on today - we're always looking to the next stage, the next weigh in, the next fear, the next school and we completely miss how they are right NOW. I have two beautifully wonderfully amazing children and it would be so lovely to just enjoy them - hey even the discipline can be fun sometimes. When I took Abby to her room yesterday she's allowed to come out when she's "ready to stop asking the same question over and over and over". She came out happy as a clam with her purse on her hip making some joke about her teddy bear. And even if it's not fun, even if it's awful... its the NOW. It's still a window into who these kids are and how my family if faring.)

• Just a quote"Two women looked through prison bars. One saw mud. One saw stars."

Not only would I like to pay more attention to the stars than the mud, I would like to model that for my kids.

• "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God" (Phil 4:6)

I've heard the verse plenty. What struck me was her application that this was "our part" of the deal... Us, doing our part, is to channel the anxiety away from the road it normally runs rampant on into prayer - give it over to that God of authority, that King of Kings. Don't ignore the fears and desires - but don't hang onto them either - give them, in prayer and petition to God. Plead for it, but don't sit there and stew in it.

• "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things"

Another verse I've heard a lot - usually in reference to keeping away from things that cause sin or are against God in some other way. Her reference was tied to the "our part" portion where, if something causes me fear or anxiety or extreme sadness to think on I should first pray - give it over to God i.e. burden the Almighty with it, know and have comfort that He cares, that He keeps it no matter what happens - and THEN turn my mind away from it to something noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy.

This makes me think that in this world that is fallen - God isn't exactly happy and thrilled with the pain and suffering happening all over the place. So I picture Him taking our sadness or fear and saying, "I know, I know, give it to me, I'll take care of it. I'm the only one that can. Now I have it, you don't need to carry it." And then I picture He'd want us to focus instead on something that He created that is good... some piece of nature that inspires us, some gift or miracle we've experienced from Him... Look at the stars instead of the mud.

(her application was worrying about her children - she would pray and then, if the anxiety kept coming back she'd force herself to write a list of everything that had gone well with her children in that year and it would unlock the anxiety and she could rest)

Bible study v. Bible Study

In my... 17 or so years of being a Christian, I have been in many small groups (and large ones) and went through a lot of Bible Studies.

As a complete layman when it comes to creating Bible Studies I would separate them out into two groups. Topics and Books of the Bible. In other words, the studies are either about something like marriage or shepherding camels or they go through a passage of the Bible (whether it be one verse or one book).

Since I have been married I have noticed a trend that men prefer the Bible Studies (i.e. the study of the Bible) while women generally prefer something which has a (lol... I was going to say point but that is totally and utterly blasphemous).

The BIG negative of a Topic based study are that the passages used by the author from the Bible are often very literally USED - i.e. take out of context, manipulated, bent to fit into their lesson or point. Steve would say that these end up having very little point because they are all sort of fluffy and out there with no real result or application. I, of course, think the opposite, but I'll talk about that more in a minute.

The BIG negative of a Bible Passage based study is that it is so totally easy to take all passion, all personal experience out of it. We often get caught up in the historical application or the word use or whatever. AND very rarely are we in a group where anyone knows too much more about the passage, history, or meaning than Steve which is somewhat... limiting in my point of view. That isn't meant to sound snobby, though I'm sure it did. Sorry. I suck. Blasphemy all over the place. But the reason I am snobby is because I had all these amazing professors at Westmont as Biblical resources who have studied the language and history and passion, who have heard all the debates and philosophies and have come to conclusions with all these things mixed together - I really loved listening to them break apart a passage. That is OBVIOUSLY not to say that I am looking disdainfully at anyone that speaks about a passage that doesn't have a PhD in the field, it's just that... I dunno... when it comes to the strict academics of the Bible, I am a snob - but hey - I'm well aware it's not all about strict academics - if a verse or passage inspires or encourages or reminds someone of something I'm all for it - more power to us all because that always adds to my own understanding - but that is a rare thing in Bible Studies, for someone to pause and share how the scripture affected them.

But a topic based study - I can't be a snob about that - we all have different experiences and needs and goals etc, so that is fascinating to me. Too light for Steve maybe but I do take things from these studies and apply them in our daily life. And it's often to his benefit that I do ;).

All that to say that I have been feeling distant from God recently but didn't really notice it because it certainly wasn't coming from any sort of problem. But a friend recently pointed me towards a book she'd used in a woman's Bible Study called, "Calm my Anxious Heart" (applicable much?). And even just reading the introduction it was like that personal connection with God was ... well... reconnected. Like when you haven't had good quality time with a person for a long time but there was no discord, only this good 'home' feeling when you're together again.

SO, for ME, I need to be in one of these sorts of books as part of my faith... Hmm... Probably could have said that in three sentences....

Done

put away ornaments, trees, stockings, stocking holders, lights, boxes, nativity
put all abby's stuff in abby's room
sterilized bottles/thingees
paid bills
put load of laundry in
took all dishes from downstairs upstairs
put bills in paperwork storage
sort thru piano clutter
nursed Jack
scheduled two playdates for Abby
cleared downstairs of most mess and Julia sized dangers
spent good time with Shannon
enjoyed (really really) Wesley and Julia and Abby's playtime
learned moby's hug hold
tested/used new wrap my mom made
activated my atm card
found my credit card
been thoroughly tested by Abby on my stance of 'stop asking after I've said no'
took Abby to her room twice


still planned to do:
put laundry into dryer, put more in (dang washer didn't finish washing - no gloating mom!)
sort clean laundry (ha... maybe in 2009)
take out trash (check)
pilates (check)

Step ONE

get off my butt!

I want to get the house ordered for Gladys tomorrow... but can't seem to get UP.

29 1/2 Crates Down

You know, as odd as I think it is to offer 42 pound crates of oranges and grapefruit - the people of Pasadena apparently like it. I got a few extra customer cards that hadn't been claimed and several people were about to call the school because they hadn't been called yet. I won't exactly be knocking down any sales records, but I'm just happy I have gotten this far.

31 1/2 down!

One of Those Moms...

Is the primary reason to judge not lest ye be judged that exact fear? Feeling worse in whatever situation that might be judge-worthy because you have been in the judging shoes and shouldn't have been and now you're looking at your own judger thinking, 'tsk, tsk, judge not...'

Yup, I've become one of those moms...

Who cart more than one kid around looking like they are one hair away from losing "it." It's that second part that I had trouble judging... it all looked too frazzling, too hectic... when I did it I wanted to be ready, poised, serene...

Ha

ha


ha


Having one kid is a juggling act... it's just true. Having more than one? A super special nuclear circus juggling act? (and this is coming from a mom who's second is only awake 5 hours out of the day... well awake and not nursing)

Seriously though, it is important to me, really important to me that, though it will always be a juggling act, that I deal with it with as much humor and calm (more of the first than the latter in reality) and as little anxiety and frustration as possible. Because it's just the way it is... GENERALLY planning will help. And if it doesn't? Then it's not the end of the world and it's just one of those times that "we" all have to get passed and won't remember in two days.

I think the journey to 'one of those' starts with getting out of the house.

Wednesday I met Maggie for a little playdate for Jack and Gus (which consisted of placing their strollers next to each other)... yes I actually got out of the house. And it was nice. Good even... not that I'd make a habit of this going out of the house thing - let's not be ridiculous people.

I picked Abby up from Lunch Bunch, got her lunch while Jack screamed, nursed Jack in the car while Abby ate and roamed the car turning off the "music things" which are actually the vents, got Abby dressed and hair up in a bun while Jack screamed in the ballet dressing room (the ballet studio likes quiet by the way), grabbed some discarded ballet shoes from the discarded ballet shoes basket since the ones that were in the blue bag were her old small ones, and only totally lost it once - in the ballet dressing room, trying to get Abby's hair done while time ticked away, Jack cried, Abby stared at herself in the mirror turning her head this way and that just for the fun of it, and people waited to use the room. Somehow I don't think I psychologically damaged Abby too much with my silent use of an expletive as I pleaded with God to please just help me get her hair up so I can pick up the baby and get out of this room. Kids are resilient that way.

God is too, when I think about it.

Jack slept the rest of the class, we got home, I made dinner!, pumped and watched with hope as Steve gave Jack his first bottle without complication... and then I handed the boy off to Steve and went to sleep. I did stretch before since I had started to hunch over like a 90 year old with bone problems.

A Little Punchy

Things I find claustrophobic when I'm tired and cranky:
loud noise
talk radio
pants (no I'm not referencing Homer Simpson, I really do hate pants)
sleeves
heat
socks
shoes
hugs
pain

End of the Rope

No sleep. Great baby who won't sleep long unless on Daddy's chest. Does Steve get more sleep like that or when baby wakes up every two hours or less to eat?

15 3/4 confirmed

So why am I still worried? Because I'm not even halfway! Eeek! I am pretty sure with those of you obligated thru friendship and family that I'll get to say 20 cases for sure... but I'm not sure where I'm going to get that last 15...

18 3/4 still going... I've just passed the half way mark!

21 down (thanks to Samantha's lobbying)... 14 to go...

Uncle Dom

My Uncle passed away early this morning. My Dad was there and has been there to help.

The bulk of both my parents' families have been back East. And even more local family we saw once a year. The funny thing is, when it is like that I tend to have very vivid memories whenever I did meet them. To my knowledge I only met Dom once, but since then he's been my favorite Uncle. Some odd relations connection - that he was nice and simple and direct was what I remember. He reminded me quite a bit of my dad (even though I think my Dad would say they weren't very alike) but all the Brights remind me of each other with little tweaks here and there. Like Annie and Lucy I see as both very warm and loving and open but Annie is sillier and Lucy more connectable - in tune. Mary reminded me of the other two with a smidge of anxiety thrown in. I am very fond of a memory with my Uncle Johnny shortly before he passed away - it was right when Steve and I had started dating and everyone I talked to (whether they knew him or not) tended to be keen on trying to tone down the possibilities, the excitement or whatever. But Johnny (who had always struck me as uncomfortable talking to me before) just had a nice little conversation with me about it all and was really sweet about it.

Of course the big difference, I think, between my Dad and his family is that my Dad is in tune very deeply to the world of the heart. Not just intuitively but consciously. This is why, I think, it is such an enormous gift and help for him to be there for his siblings as they pass away or have someone they love pass away. He understands and guides and reassures all the while being stable and strong and big enough to lean on or ask to take out the garbage. He's a good guy, my Dad, and I'm sorry he's lost a brother.

Christmas Eye View

Steve and I - Good Team

Of course, he isn't a Bright Waters Photography partner... just an indentured servant we'll use now and then.

10 1/4 cases...

down 19 3/4 to go...

edited 1.5.08: make that 13 3/4 sold

It's Citrus time in Altadena

It's Orange Sale time again.

Please order a plethora of oranges or grapefruit from me.

I need to sell 35 crates in three weeks. Currently I've sold... 5 and 1/4. Somehow it all came together last year, I don't know how, but here I go again!

You can also buy a crate that we donate to the Food Pantry which counts toward me too.

If you'd like to pay via credit card you can go to the website www.ansoranges.com - just make sure to credit our name when you purchase.

I'll be delivering fruit January 26th ish.

This is our only fundraiser... I really appreciate it!

California Navel Oranges:
25$ for crate
16$ for 1/2 crate
11$ for 1/4 crate

Arizona Ruby Grapefruit:
21$ for crate
15$ for 1/2 crate
10$ for 1/4 crate

update good news: They give you an alumni's old cards when you get your packet - kind of a running start - local people that have been buying fruit for literally decades. A couple of the cards that I left messages for last year but never got a hold of, people actually answered and wanted fruit! So that was two crates I got this year that I didn't have last year.
update bad news: My big customer last year is gone! Their number has been disconnected!

Parent from Abby's School...

Just passing this along. Maya is a little girl in Abby's class and her dad is very ill. They've created this website: www.savemydaddy.com to help find... help. I've met the dad (Aaron) a bunch because he was always the one that worked at the school. He was always great - he's a huge guy and it was so funny seeing him with the toddlers.

Ahhh, There it is...

I thought I was doing great - turning the tide, getting somewhere until I dropped Abby off at school today and everyone asked me how I was doing and suddenly I didn't think I was doing that great.

Why am I having such a hard time enjoying Abby during this time? I am determined to make her feel loved and special. I am determined to give her that time to run and be crazy. I am completely aware Jack is fine and won't miss me or notice if I am focused on Abby. It's definitely not that - i.e. definitely not a sudden emotional connection with Jack that has me on edge with Abby. She hasn't been replaced in my heart at all. It's just like I tense up when I'm around her... not *all* the time obviously, we still giggle and I thought we were doing better... but maybe the return to "normal" life (i.e. school) brought into focus how much things have changed or how uprooted we currently are.

How do I change myself? The tiniest and least thing I always do is make sure I am looking her in the eye when she's talking to me - really acknowledging her no matter what else is going on - I've mentioned that before. But the thing is, I'm not nearly, not even slightly as anxious as I was the first time around... at least, not with Jack, but after all, I'm not concerned about Jack... In general, besides liking to be warm and close I have a sense that Jack is very 'boy' and won't have quite the same needs as Abby. So, thats the key I think. Just as I've said - it doesn't really have anything to do with what is happening, my natural tendency is to be anxious and so even though I'm all happy not to be anxious about the new baby, the anxiety is still there - just focused more on Abby.

Ha! I thought I'd escaped it, but I suppose one doesn't cure oneself quite this quickly... it's a sneaky thing. You'd think it would be obvious, but I really just figured out what was going on today. SO as G.I. Joe would say, "Knowing is half the battle." Not sure why they didn't tackle postpartum anxiety in those little public service announcements.

So... right. Now I know. Now I can change it. Score.

p.s. Can I just say how weird it is that it is so easy for me to fix these things once I understand what is happening? It's weird. Just spent an evening that would have driven me up the wall yesterday and it was totally fine.

I'm like Walt Disney...

Kids just flock to me... or... not...

Abby spent some much needed loosey-goosey time with Sarah and Micaiah today and when I finally came to pick her up (after SIX hours mind you, not like a fifteen minute tease of a playdate) Abby, of course, gave a little whine and pout and would probably have burst into tears if she hadn't been so exhausted. Micaiah however, in his father's arms just woken up from a nap, looked at me for a second... then his face just fell in complete misery and he dissolved into quiet tears as his logic figured out that I was certainly there to take Abby away from him.

So yup, my arrival inspired complete emotional devastation.