Where does my help come from...

I'm in this weird space.

Which in itself sounds very 70s and unlike me. I would identify this space as the recovery period. It's that space right after a big scare or trial or something. It's where God has done His thing and brought us through some valley or another... showed us once again that this time anyway, the way He is going to work is to deliver us rather than teach us to figure out happiness and faith amidst the destruction. I'd identify this time as a sort of "buzzing with" time - where whatever was wrong is still buzzing in the air.

I was very very angry or ready to be anyway a few times recently and each time things were diffused, but not just set aside to be dealt with another day, RESOLVED. So the anger isn't repressed just waiting for the next time to be unleashed, it's just sort of dissipating slowly into the atmosphere, from the back of mind and out into the world. And until it's all gone, theres this buzzing.

And it's a buzzing of purpose - whatever has been keeping me back from organizing or getting a leg to stand on with the housekeeping is not holding me back as much - as things are getting done, it no longer feels like I turn around and they are back to a shambles again. I'm going into rooms feeling relief that they look great rather than going in and wishing I could slink away because every room is just a reminder of how nothing is working.

Similarly, it's a buzzing, coming down from the high of mindlessly eating my anxiety.

I think that had to do with Steve's new work situation in that his time is not really his own again. He's been operating on an incredibly strict but totally his own work ethic for years now, so to suddenly not have him to call when I'm in a quick fix need is weird. Have I really NEEDED to call on him with the two Grandmas around and aunts etc? Not more than a couple times, but it's just enough for my anxiety that he couldn't even if he wanted to... sort of... they don't actually chain him to the floor, they seem really nice actually and probably wish they weren't seeing him every waking working moment of their lives ;)...

There's also a buzzing of being put in my place. There was a brief period a few years ago that Steve didn't have the work coming in that he does now that he still went to the office every single day and wasn't late getting there and wasn't early coming home. He would fiddle a lot and he did have a lot going on, but point being, IIIII knew it was a temporary situation, IIII was confident he was brilliant and amazing and people would come to need his vision. So IIIII wanted him to take the time building up stockpiles of time with us. Well years later, the fiddling he was doing, the uncompromising way that he got up and went into the office even if he didn't have anyone breathing down his neck to do something specific that day, is bearing fruit. He's realizing he knows a lot more about his product than he thought. I think that God blessing him and confirming him. And it's also God saying to ME 'trust him. don't be such a know-it-all'

Also in photography... there is always this buzz. This buzz of excitement and frustration and wondering. And in this I just want to remember, always remember that anything with art is never mastered. No point being frustrated that I'm not better than I am because I have to be where I am in order to get better. A student... always learning... so I want to stop rushing toward a finish line that doesn't exist. Just keep swimming says Dory... just keep swimming says me...

And theres a buzzing of things that have been put on the backburner due to much much more pressing matters that are going to be calling out to be heard here soon.

I'm just at this place where ... I'm not quite on the balls of my feet - gearing up to sprint into action, and I'm not rocking back on my heels in satisfaction of a job well done... I'm just sort of...standing... watching to see which way the wind takes us. Grateful to God for getting us out of that last one. Grateful that progress is being made for the first time in a year.

Sure I could use more patience and a brain that focused on one thing for more than a few seconds. Or rather... I can't think through anything right now unless I'm writing it down and I don't have the downtime to be writing stuff down.

Which is why I wanted to write this down. This lyric, this praise song...

I lift my eyes up, unto the moutains
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from You, maker of heaven
Creator of the earth

Oh how I need you Lord
You are my only hope
You're my only prayer

So I will wait for You
To come and rescue me
To come and give me life

keeps going around and around in my head, and I knew it meant something specific, something special to me RIGHT now but not exactly what, and if there was a lesson to be learned, whelp, I'd just have to write it down in order to learn it.

and... what I think I'm learning right at this moment is that yes, we are in a recovery stage, a recovery that God has delivered us into and that we got here by God, for God, to God.
By God: He created the ladder out for us to climb out
For God: we're here for Him, to serve Him and to be witnesses of His glory - whether that means actually saying such things or just by being who He created us to be, by having more of a shine to us because He lives in us.
To God: finally our lives are a love letter or a thank you letter to God who I appreciate and love and serve not just because He's given me an overwhelming breadth of blessings and support and family and annoyingly right all the time husband, and breathtakingly sweet and wonderful kids... even without those things, my life is TO God. But wow, how much more so when I have so much to live up to, so much to be thankful for, so much to be in awe of God for.

anyway... my help comes from you... maker of Heaven, creator of the Earth.

Thanks God for being my friend when I'm lonely.

Thanks everyone else for walking alongside me even when my tunnel vision brain can't connect with you.