Make Me Enough

If any of you pay attention to patterns you may have figured out why I'm AWOL.

We are very tickled to be pregnant again...

Tickled and... freaked out.

This was unplanned. To say it is Steve's fault hardly seems fair and yet... Just kidding. Truly, ever since falling in love with Jack with as much fervor as we fell in love with Abby there has been a little tiny... little... question mark, like, awh, shucks, it's too bad Adrea doesn't enjoy much about pregnancy. It's too bad she is just starting to breathe easier with two kids it would simply be irresponsible to add a third as Adrea is really really not sure how she'd cope...

Anyway, there's been some wavering shall we say on making it official that we were really truly totally done with two. But then again, Steve's been busy.

And our birth control though not 99.9% like the pill has worked just fine for 8 years...

I think a "whoops" pregnancy is one of those things that women secretly think would be fun. I know I did. So, by no means am I unhappy or sad or anything like that.

The discovery of the whoops will likely be one of my most treasured memories actually. We were in Hawaii and I was waiting and waiting for my monthly thing to get going and just figured, seriously, just figured it was the travel that had me off. I felt silly and naive for wanting to take a test since obviously I was going to be proven not pregnant at any moment. Sure, I'd been near fainting dizzy in the car after the plane ride then a long drive to the condo - but I never have been a very good flier.

Then I was looking in the mirror thinking, gosh, I'm going to have to get started on that exercise, I look like my pregnant self. I'm thicker, wider, not awful, just... not quite myself. Of course I didn't connect the two things until Sarah good-naturedly told me not to worry about the family picture we'd just taken, I didn't look nearly that busty in person (she knows as most of you do, I'm not into being busty). I hadn't thought I'd looked particularly busty but I stared at her for a second... then I found Steve and suggested he go somewhere alone and buy a test.

Easier said than done when you are traveling with the family the size of a small nation.

Still, I wasn't that anxious about it because... it would just be too ridiculous. And... ha ha... the whole idea of a whoops, was just a fairytale... I .. I... I.... okay I started to get a little anxious that Steve go make up SOME excuse and get himself to a pharmacy.

He finally did late one night. I immediately took the test while Steve stood in the hallway frustrated about the labeling of pregnancy tests (one said 100% and one said 90%, what the hell kind of person is going to pick the LESS reliable one?). The thing beeped (of course Steve got a digital one). I looked down at the little stick on the floor. And... just shook my head and laughed. Steve, poor Steve, didn't know how to interpret that and he smiled too, "So we're- er- what -does it-"

I hugged him and I think both of us went off to la la land trying to think and plan and figure out what this meant for us. It must be said, happy though I was, I think Steve was really really pleased. Not sure how much either of us slept that night. I alternated between a goofy grin and a look of abject terror... I was fairly certain my mother would never speak to me again (she is not a big fan of "pregnant Adrea"), but I knew that not even my pregnancy crankiness would induce her to move again, so there I had her trapped.

She swore alot good naturedly as only my mother can, when I told her. But we both decided to batten down the hatches and weather the storm for another little wriggly baby.

Weathering the storm isn't particularly fun or easy for me when I'm in my first trimester of pregnancy, something I was quite certain I wouldn't have to weather again. Especially since I felt totally normal up til about week 5.5 (I found at at week 5) ... so I was thinking maybe... just maybe... I won't be so sick this time... maybe it was all in my mind.

Yeah its just as bad, it might be worse.

But, as I look at my kids I think how I would do anything in the whole world to keep from losing them from anything, anyone, anyhow - I figure I'll think of this as saving the baby that I'm going to be loving just as much as those other two rascals... and that gives me peace... it doesn't help too much, but whatever. Let's just say Jen G was a much better nauseous person than I am...

I'm working on getting through the sickness, and then, I'm afraid, I may become wholly conscious of just how not enough I feel I am to take care of the house, myself and three kids. Come on, you all know it's a stretch. I'll figure it out, but that's my prayer... OH Lord, God, PLEASE make me enough. And of course I already know He will, and as the transition stings, I'll have my parents and Steve's family and Aaron's late night ER calls to bridge the gaps.