In the Hall

So, to continue on the topic of failure. I don't know how many nights since 2003 I have prayed for sleep - for my children... but there have been many.


The other silver lining about failure is that it is often a good litmus test for your current plan. Not to go all Dr. Phil on you, but the whole "how's that workin' for you?" is not nearly as flippant as it seems.


So, sleep. I have never been a fan of the 'cry-it-out' method or many of the variations therein. I have also never thought it causes unimaginable trauma either. Parents that are okay with it have kids that are okay with it - not via genetics, but just cuz - if Mom and Dad are okay with something it shows, it permeates and the kids, even while not happy, are probably going to adapt just fine to it. Still, even hand-holder me, have gotten to points with all the kids where I look into their sweet faces and I smile lovingly but confidently because I *know* that they are okay moving to the next level. They are going to benefit from a good thirty second cry rather than suffer for it. And then I've moved to another level of putting them to sleep - in the room or outside the room, whatever the stage.


This is when I moved out of Abby's room by explaining I would "read/be in the hall so you can go to sleep"









Recently though, the boys have been tag-teaming and more. Jack has been having night terrors or - the official term is Confusional Events (because night terrors are that you are literally running around screaming and freaking out where as Jack sits screaming and freaking out). They are fascinating, especially now that we know for sure he is totally unconscious and there is nothing to do but wait them out (and take him out of the room so that he doesn't wake Finn).


Beyond the night terrors - the boys would just wake and be... awake. We tried moving around naps and getting rid of them and eating less, more, sideways. But it wasn't until Miss Milly suggested actually reading Ferber's book rather than googling it that the light came on.


First off, he revised it to, for example, make a bigger point that he is NOT the cry it out guy at all and he does not advocate kids crying for hours alone in their beds (though, like me, he doesn't suggest it will hurt them forever). His method to re-learn sleep associations is going to mean some crying - but actually reading what he wants parents to know and do gave it all a very different spin. For example, he specifies that this progressive cry method that a lot of people use is ONLY to re-learn sleep associations, it's not going to work for every sleep problem. Also he said there is NOTHING about crying that is going to help the child sleep - the only point in going in to comfort the child for a minute or two and then leaving is that the hope is that EVENTUALLY the child will accidentally fall asleep without me in the room. Which is, for us, the sleep association that we're trying to break.


What I also think is great about him is that he used the "how's it working for you" in the sense that - if you don't mind rocking your child to sleep every night, and he sleeps just fine consistently, then he has NO problem with you continuing whatever the heck you want to do. If it's not working, but you are getting a payoff from it - i.e. "i am on the verge of being insane anyway - a night trying something knew that i don't know if its going to work or be the most awful thing I've ever experienced just might push me over the edge so no, this isn't working for me, but it's working enough for me right now"


See, this all seems so common sense now but... the key for me was when he said that the problem is not that the child wakes at night - all children (all people) wake in the middle of the night multiple times. He describes it that the brain only half wakens and sort of does a double-check to see that everything is okay, everything is "normal". But that the brain defines normal by what it remembers the last time it was conscious. So, "normal" is that I'm in the chair working on the computer or just sitting there napping. So the brain looks over expecting to see me, doesn't and further wakens. And voila - screaming from Finn or Jack coming to get me.


I had always thought of whether or not they slept as this magic formula of what I did during the day. What they watched, how much activity they had, how much they ate/what they ate, how did the nap go etc. etc. etc. And I'm sure all those things can be factors. But none of them explained as simply and as completely as the sleep association thing (in combination with the deep sleep patterns AND the first person ever to me that Jack's internal clock might be telling me that he simply cannot sleep as long as I am trying to get him to sleep so put him to bed a little later)


So after I got NO sleep on Friday because BOTH boys woke up every ten minutes and (after realizing I had snuck off to bed) reawakened (as Ferber said, wouldn't you? if someone kept sneaking off with your pillow?). Off we went on Saturday to start this whole progressive sleep thing. Oh, and my favorite thing Ferber recommends? Cheating. He said-the first night - start him off WELL later than his normal bedtime, just to get a headstart. (Finn, who does NOT usually wake up as if he's being asked to sleep too much per his internal clock went down without a fuss at his usual time)


So we did. And... Steve just walked away. No fuss, no problems. Jack went to sleep with no one in the room and.... dum

dum



DUM... did he have night terrors? no. Did he wake at 10? no. Did he wake at midnight? no. Did he wake at 2am?


Yes. And it was awful. It was horrible awful horrible. Not because Jack was in such distress (that was fascinating, he totally swung between trying to figure out what would work to get us to change what we were doing. When crying didn't work, he pleaded. When pleading didn't work he became authoritative, "Momma. You get in here right now." It was very cute.) but because Finn also has the same sleep association problem and he DID go to sleep within ten minutes of us going in the room and leaving back and forth, but then he'd have to do it over and over again because Jack's distress woke him up again. That was just plain not fair.


We fired up the ole' pack n play, put Finn (and Abby who also couldn't sleep in the ruckus) to sleep in our room and at 4am I cheated and oh I cheated good. Instead of having him stay in his bed which is what he does for Daddy and scream. I took over and for me he comes out and has to be walked back in. So I walked him back in five times maybe right in a row to sort of establish the routine and that was it - he was out. BUT it was 4am. We were not feeling victorious by any means. We figured now we were going to have Finn & Abby in our room for a week while we figured this out and then we were going to have to do the whole thing over again with Finn and blah blah blah blah.


BUT next night. I put Finn to bed first (left the room, no trouble). Then I put Abby to bed. Then Jack came up to say he was ready to bed. I put him to bed, promised him a cookie if he stayed in his bed all night and...

LEFT

THE

ROOM.


And... holy cow he went to sleep. He stayed asleep until 3:45 which is pretty dang good, then slept til 6.


Next night. Last night. Now we have a routine. Jack wanted to go to bed even earlier. And the same song and dance. And he slept til 5:45 which, gosh darn it, is FANTASTIC.


And we just never would have been motivated to make a big change if the sleep was just a little inconsistent. Because most of the time that's all it was. Three good weeks, one bad, etc. then the other boy would act up and so on. We would have just waited until they grew out of needing us.


The other thing I respected Ferber for? Being upfront that this might need to be relearned after every sickness, every big change (moving/sibling/etc), every trip. But that if you get a routine that you are comfortable with, it will not be an emotional upheaval for you. THAT is what drove me crazy about other cry-it-out sorts... They asked me to do something I was completely and totally NOT okay with in exchange for the promise of good sleep... BUT no apologies for having to do the whole thing over again when the uncommon happens.


In conclusion. I am writing this because I know I will forget. And some person like me who was not ready for a change at 1 year is ready for a change at 3 years and this will be a distant memory. And I will say something like 'oh, it took a few days - they all do, but I was happy with my method... why? Because if just felt better but I don't remember why".


AND a cautionary tale to myself and everyone else. We moms can often NOT make a change until we are READY to make a change. A lot of you men don't get this. I know. But I don't get why it took you all so long to be ready to settle down so there. We need to be ready for the change to really make it happen. And so often, it is horrible and consistent failure that readies us for that change, so ... like I keep saying, failure - it's a good thing.