Real Quick - Jack Pattern

It drives me crazy when I don't see a pattern that has been obvious for ages.

Jack has an issue with people.. or crowds... or SOMETHING.

Whenever we have guests, no matter how much he loves them, he doesn't want to be in the main room where everyone is. He insists on being in the toy room here, in Gramma's toy room when there are guests at her house, the living room when there are guests at Zoozy's house. He desperately tries to escape family events like Thanksgiving and other holidays - particularly if they are not in one of his "Safe" houses.

I'm not sure if he's shy or anxious or just plain anti-social. I've known all this but haven't. But recognizing it should help me prepare and change and... oh I don't know. Just... not sure... have noticed the pattern, have not gotten to the labeling the problem yet.

old haggard and nonexistent

Some days anyway.

Other days I feel energized by my weight loss, the pregnancy is over and I have this incredible little Finn (like a present from Santa I didn't expect) we're all on an upswing. On the good days I'm proud of the house looking better, I have the energy and happy mind to be on the wii - Jack lets me dance. On the good days, much as I joke, I don't need cupcakes to get me thru. I have pre-made meals coming in from both mom and mom-in-law helping me thru lunch to save money and eat non- obsessively and help everyone for dinner to be eating healthier, more widely varied, and also saving money. I have a routine for this new family of FIVE setting up nicely. There are still things completely falling by the wayside, but on these days I - well I was going to say on these good days I am optimistic they'll get back on track but actually its more likely that on the good days I just don't remember the things I'm missing.

But then there are the "I'm old, haggard and nonexistent" days. These are the days I'm either stuck on the couch nursing ALL the time so that I can actually feel my bones getting brittle as all the nutrients are transferred over to baby or the days that Steve has been slammed at work. Sometimes I can keep up, and there is a little feeling of empowerment of doing it all on my own (my family members that do all they do daily to help me 'do it on my own' are all laughing right now). But most of the time, this machine does not work without Steve. On these days the only bright spots are those little moments where I actually lock eyes with one of my kids and have a moment of real interaction. Turning tension into humor, turning nuthin' into a moment of tenderness.

I hate my little patch of gray roots, not because they make me feel old (I've had gray hair since college), but because its the one beauty thing that takes maintenance, that is very obvious and noticed that I can't make "cutely grunge" or "i look like this cuz I just worked out" chic.

There are so many things that I am so proud of - moments and achievements yet... it all seems so insignificant.

I feel like we are the opposite of the surface people that you think of as surface people. I feel surface people are going around with a smile on their face, pretending everything is perfect because they are ashamed that its not or because they want to be.

I am the opposite because I'm likely to go around as if the sky is falling because I don't want to look like a surface person or I don't want to alienate someone in pain by being so gidget that I'm from another planet... a surface frilly pink planet. But in fact I AM a surface person because underneath my worry and stress and general feelng of... whatever I'm feeling... I am exactly perfectly happy with absolutely everything in my world right at this moment. It's just that there is a lot of imperfection with right here and right now, and I'm not sure how exactly to get out of it. But I wouldn't change anything. The kids have to get thru now to get to later. And even though they sure do poop alot, they are incredible incredible kids.... and if they didn't poop - that would mean something was horribly wrong so... whatever.

The Dishwasher

One of those parenting things I never expect to work but that does: Jack used to love to get in the dishwasher - clean or dirty, glass dish, steak knife, he was messing with it all and all I could do (besides yell and scream and create a huge tug of war) was close it half way and encourage him to "close it." As the months progressed you can imagine how my half hearted attempts started to feel ineffectual and like I was losing and losing my mind to boot.

But lo and behold, the funny thing now is that I can't keep the dishwasher OPEN for more than 45 seconds as Jack hears the faint rustle of dishes and runs from miles around to come and proudly and securely "Close it!" often with the accompaniment of crashing and clanging as he doesn't put the shelves in before he closes the door.

Excuse me, that's MY lunch

Okay, you all should be able to feel the irony here.

So Jack is basically a real eater. He will try things... and like them... and not just because Yo Gabba Gabba tells him to. This is awesome.

Only problem now is that he just ate my lunch. I'm so thrilled with him being "an eater" I don't have the heart to stop him.

Gloomy

Abby. My girl.

Let's talk about your world.

MY world. Let's see, what's in my world.
I have a couple problems in my life (she actually said these words)
Using the old psychospeak (that's the repeating what she's saying rather than judging/advising etc what she's saying) I get out of her these things:
I'm gloomy ALL the time, and I just don't know how to stop.
What I do when I'm gloomy is I sing this song (she sings me a song), but sometimes, when I meet new people I don't sing them the song, I don't know why.
It's when I'm alone I can't help being gloomy, or when I'm with mean people. It's the people that carry me by my arm. I don't like that.

A friend at her school apparently pulls her around by her arm, but Abby doesn't want to tell this girl that she doesn't like being pulled around by her arm because Abby really likes being friends with this girl and she doesn't want her to be mad at her. And apparently everytime Abby tells her something to this effect, this little girl gets very angry, walks away and says "very mean things." She also buttons Abby's shirt up all the way up which Abby doesn't like either.

I know I could go the direction of getting all fired up and telling Abby that she doesn't need this sort of friend (the girl is actually sweet, but I don't doubt any of what Abby is describing), and Abby needs to stand up for what she wants and not get stepped on and blah blah blah. But I don't think thats how life works now. I did try to give her as much encouragement as I could without going so far down the advice road that I cut off the communication. It was a lovely sweet and sad time because it was all about how gloomy she is and how she wishes she could stop.

I did refrain from pulling a "my mom" and telling her that that never goes away and we all struggle with feelings of gloom now and then no matter how old we are. ;)

I think part of the gloom is actually a restlessness. I can see her gear up to ask me what "something fun" is on the agenda or "more snack" or "what is for dinner" : all these are hot buttons. I don't blow up, but they never go well. She's never satisfied really and really, are any of us ;). Yes, there are times, but if you really wanted to know there are quite a lot of "treats" out there that I wish I had, I just happen to have learned in my 33 years that it's inappropriate to go around whining out loud about it. It's kind of like when Wesley first started to walk (actually I think he started running first), Shannon would show me that he'd actually begin to wince several feet before he impacted into a wall or couch, but he couldn't seem to get his body to avoid the collision. That is Abby with these hot button questions. She knows neither of us are going to feel good about the exchange, she just can't seem to stop her mind from desperately seeking the answers.

Trying to teach contentment to a six year old... well, she's given me the road in obviously - as in this will help you be able to not feel gloomy all the time. She loves to look at the calender and see all her plans. That isn't a bad thing, in fact I think it should be one of my tools in helping her. But it takes time and time focusing on one child at a time is few and precious.

Her second problem in her life, by the way (there were three) was how when she tells me she wants to go to Hawaii I say we can't. (Yeah, I know, bring on the poor under-privilaged child face, I'm just not going to feel guilty we're not going to Hawaii every week).

Her third is between she and I, but its guilt again. She is so sweet and tries so hard to be just how she thinks she should be.

After talking a while on that one she said it was my turn to tell her any problems in my life.

I told her I was nervous about getting Jack to be as polite as her. She said, "What you have to do, momma, is just wait for his birthday... and then for another one, and another one... and then you'll get it" (which is probably totally true).

What else? I say, well, I have to do a lot of laundry tomorrow. And she seems to be happy with that one, it has a simple solution, "Well, we'll just write it down on a list, okay? how about that?"

And when I say there are no more problems in my life, she's happy for me. "So you only have TWO problems in your life?"

Pretty much, those are them! ;)

Should be "Burnt Out"

Despite currently being energized that I got all my laundry done in two days (contributing success mostly to finally getting close to a system of WHERE the laundry goes after its done and not being pregnant), I'm feeling burned out.

My biggest pet peeve at th emoment? freaking getting all the way to the point of saving an image in .jpg format (which in itself is a hassle because my computer is slow... okay its a laptop... okay it may have something to do with how much I have open... and how little space I keep open... but... hey - the blame game isn't going to help anyone people)... and realizing ... shoot, I need to do one more thing. Shoot. that shadow needs to get deeper and it ain't going to do it on its own. So I have to WAIT for the screen to come up before I can cancel and then it takes a second to cancel and (speak of the devil, apparently my startup disk is almost full)... and then I perform whatever duty I need for the picture and then have to save it again and then.. WORST case scenario I see something ELSE. dabnabit.

I can actually feel the knot in my shoulders right now. Oh well. Picture is worth it. Slight improvement is worth it.

Second biggest pet peeve? clicking on an application I don't mean to open. DearNESS the painful slowdown that causes.

An on't get me starte on my "D" key.

Poor Unfotunate Souls...

Okay, multiple kid shoots are always a challenge when the kids are under the age of ... say... 8. But I am realizing once again just how much we ask of kids when we try these things. Portraits of each kid? NO PROBLEM. It's the getting them all in one shot... and smiling or looking good in that one shot that is the issue. My client wasn't asking too much at all - she wasn't expecting the "smile and say cheese" - it's just for ME I want at least for the boys to be looking cool.

I had a shoot on Friday with the nicest but VERY boyish boys. And I wasn't sure if I got any magical three together shots so here I am searching thru the hundreds of photos I took hoping for a magic moment and I see that every single one of those boys aged 7-3 was trying SO hard, it's just they weren't synchronized. So I'd be concentrating on #3 and #2 would be sitting quietly and smiling while #1 is looking off. I just have this little guilt now that I didn't affirm the other two enough while I working with whichever one I was working with. Oh well.

Hoping to see magic in the gallery by the end.

Where does my help come from...

I'm in this weird space.

Which in itself sounds very 70s and unlike me. I would identify this space as the recovery period. It's that space right after a big scare or trial or something. It's where God has done His thing and brought us through some valley or another... showed us once again that this time anyway, the way He is going to work is to deliver us rather than teach us to figure out happiness and faith amidst the destruction. I'd identify this time as a sort of "buzzing with" time - where whatever was wrong is still buzzing in the air.

I was very very angry or ready to be anyway a few times recently and each time things were diffused, but not just set aside to be dealt with another day, RESOLVED. So the anger isn't repressed just waiting for the next time to be unleashed, it's just sort of dissipating slowly into the atmosphere, from the back of mind and out into the world. And until it's all gone, theres this buzzing.

And it's a buzzing of purpose - whatever has been keeping me back from organizing or getting a leg to stand on with the housekeeping is not holding me back as much - as things are getting done, it no longer feels like I turn around and they are back to a shambles again. I'm going into rooms feeling relief that they look great rather than going in and wishing I could slink away because every room is just a reminder of how nothing is working.

Similarly, it's a buzzing, coming down from the high of mindlessly eating my anxiety.

I think that had to do with Steve's new work situation in that his time is not really his own again. He's been operating on an incredibly strict but totally his own work ethic for years now, so to suddenly not have him to call when I'm in a quick fix need is weird. Have I really NEEDED to call on him with the two Grandmas around and aunts etc? Not more than a couple times, but it's just enough for my anxiety that he couldn't even if he wanted to... sort of... they don't actually chain him to the floor, they seem really nice actually and probably wish they weren't seeing him every waking working moment of their lives ;)...

There's also a buzzing of being put in my place. There was a brief period a few years ago that Steve didn't have the work coming in that he does now that he still went to the office every single day and wasn't late getting there and wasn't early coming home. He would fiddle a lot and he did have a lot going on, but point being, IIIII knew it was a temporary situation, IIII was confident he was brilliant and amazing and people would come to need his vision. So IIIII wanted him to take the time building up stockpiles of time with us. Well years later, the fiddling he was doing, the uncompromising way that he got up and went into the office even if he didn't have anyone breathing down his neck to do something specific that day, is bearing fruit. He's realizing he knows a lot more about his product than he thought. I think that God blessing him and confirming him. And it's also God saying to ME 'trust him. don't be such a know-it-all'

Also in photography... there is always this buzz. This buzz of excitement and frustration and wondering. And in this I just want to remember, always remember that anything with art is never mastered. No point being frustrated that I'm not better than I am because I have to be where I am in order to get better. A student... always learning... so I want to stop rushing toward a finish line that doesn't exist. Just keep swimming says Dory... just keep swimming says me...

And theres a buzzing of things that have been put on the backburner due to much much more pressing matters that are going to be calling out to be heard here soon.

I'm just at this place where ... I'm not quite on the balls of my feet - gearing up to sprint into action, and I'm not rocking back on my heels in satisfaction of a job well done... I'm just sort of...standing... watching to see which way the wind takes us. Grateful to God for getting us out of that last one. Grateful that progress is being made for the first time in a year.

Sure I could use more patience and a brain that focused on one thing for more than a few seconds. Or rather... I can't think through anything right now unless I'm writing it down and I don't have the downtime to be writing stuff down.

Which is why I wanted to write this down. This lyric, this praise song...

I lift my eyes up, unto the moutains
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from You, maker of heaven
Creator of the earth

Oh how I need you Lord
You are my only hope
You're my only prayer

So I will wait for You
To come and rescue me
To come and give me life

keeps going around and around in my head, and I knew it meant something specific, something special to me RIGHT now but not exactly what, and if there was a lesson to be learned, whelp, I'd just have to write it down in order to learn it.

and... what I think I'm learning right at this moment is that yes, we are in a recovery stage, a recovery that God has delivered us into and that we got here by God, for God, to God.
By God: He created the ladder out for us to climb out
For God: we're here for Him, to serve Him and to be witnesses of His glory - whether that means actually saying such things or just by being who He created us to be, by having more of a shine to us because He lives in us.
To God: finally our lives are a love letter or a thank you letter to God who I appreciate and love and serve not just because He's given me an overwhelming breadth of blessings and support and family and annoyingly right all the time husband, and breathtakingly sweet and wonderful kids... even without those things, my life is TO God. But wow, how much more so when I have so much to live up to, so much to be thankful for, so much to be in awe of God for.

anyway... my help comes from you... maker of Heaven, creator of the Earth.

Thanks God for being my friend when I'm lonely.

Thanks everyone else for walking alongside me even when my tunnel vision brain can't connect with you.