Guilt is Inevitable

Yes, yes, I know all my kids are going to know I love them (except for those times when I don't let them do their heart's desire because of homework... or because it's too close to stunt training). Yes, yes I know we can all just do the best we can and, excuse the ego, but yes yes I know we are doing a wonderful loving job 99.9% of the time. Or at least, the very best we can at being wonderful and loving at this particular stage of life.

BUT despite all my personal ideals to the contrary, I realized today Abby is falling through the cracks in this household. Not REALLY. The girl is spoiled rotten with love and attention... but FOCUS... I just realized the times where it's just us, where I'm really truly just listening, just letting her be her are few and far between. Practically non-existent since Finn arrived.

I need to give her some 'go crazy' time. Kindergarten might be the social joy of her life, but she is busting her butt trying to live inside the lines of this new formula, this stricter regime and coming home to "don't play on the wood floors while Jack is asleep" is not exactly freedom and joy.

I keep thinking about the oh so short time from now when I'll be begging to know whats going on in her world and in her head and how her current night's plea of, "Can you stay with me after you put Jack to bed?" will echo ironically in my head as I plead with her to just sit with me for a little while.

And I know, I can't do it everynight. Maybe I SHOULD not any night. But I'm going to find a way to do it more often.

The thing is, the reason she's "overlooked" (in quotes because we run ourselves ragged trying to keep up with her extrovert ways - this girl is anything but ignored, but you understand what I'm saying) is because she is so close to independence we are counting so much on her doing as much as possible on her own, by herself, by her own motivation. OR (the new card in the deck) we're so busy trying to teach her, prompt her, equip her with skills and manners and homework for Kindergarten - socially and education-wise and spiritually and social skills and eating more vegetables (even though I don't buy any) ugh what a pain in the butt us parents are!!!

And you should see how amazing she is putting up with all this. She retrieves the remote for me while I'm nursing. She shares her favorite skating pink pony skates with Jack so he doesn't feel left out or have a meltdown, she reads books in bed waiting for her turn for attention.

I just feel lousy. But hey, tomorrow is a new day and I'll "stay a little while" with her tomorrow night and lose all expectations, I'll just let her be who she is and let her see that I care, that she's important and hat I see HER and she's just wonderful just as she is right NOW.

Inquiring Minds

Thank you Sarah and Maggie and Shannon and Jen a few others that have asked very seriously how I'm doing with three. As you all know I was really really really really really freaked out by that number when we first found out Finn was on his way.

The thing is, my mind has totally gotten used to the idea and Finn himself is ease incarnate. He was officially fussy for no particular reason for the first time last night... for ten minutes. During the day, he asks for very little. He does have a big ole cluster feed/awake time late at night which isn't perfect now that Steve and I are going to bed earlier, but if I can just supply enough milk, it's not too bad a deal if you ask me.

SO even though I'm doing much better than expected in all areas I still haven't really been able to answer seriously or in depth how I'm doing. I see the email, I think about my response, but when I sit down in front of the computer my brain goes blank. And then it gets annoyed when I try to push it. I have to say something I tell my brain, just give me a few lines - a few authentic lines that are beyond surface level - that's all I'm asking. At this point my brain crosses it's proverbial arms and ignores me. I think I hear it threaten that if I persist with this line of questioning I am asking for a headache. I sigh, feel bad at my failure to provide vulnerability, and get interrupted anyway.

Jack has been directing most of my attention toward himself. He is about to be two. He is very much a BOY (hear him roar). He has a fondness for noise and drama. I had Miss Pat over because I was just about at the end of my rope and she insisted his behavior was more about him being TWO than about the new baby upheaval. That is part of it, she acknowledged, but his reaction is still more about being two. He has no way of understanding his own feelings or reactions. We just have to provide a safe place for him to tantrum it out and gain his own ability to control himself until he balances out a bit.


The frustration and pressure inside him was palpable last week. He would just come up to me and do these short bursts of screams. Like a tea kettle starting to boil. His shoulders would be all hunched up and he would just look at me - like I don't know what's going on but I am about to EXPLODE. It was so sad to me. Steve thinks I'm crazy and finds nothing sad about this at all. But my heart went out to Jack and I just felt there was nothing I could do. BUT the whole safe place to tantrum (which is pretty much exactly what I did for Abby when she was much older) has been working like a charm. Ten minutes of screaming, throwing himself and everything he can reach on the floor and eventually I look up at the silence and he's wandered off to play with his cars.

Bliss.

I know you're not supposed to let guilt get you as a parent, but Jack is such a total delight to this family - it was so hard to see him really really struggle. He was also sick at the time. Which didn't help.

ANYWAY things are easy at the moment. My mom is taking Abby to school and bringing Jack so he has a little adventure in the mornings. I get to nap for an hour with Finn when they all leave. Abby doesn't need picking up til 3 and the carline means that I don't ever have to get out of the car tromping around with both Jack and Finn or having to look too presentable and make small talk with people I barely know whilst tearing Jack away from things that he is investigating (read: destroying). Bedtime - particularly if Steve is not here - is the trickiest part because Finn in awake and Jack wants actual arms wrapped around my neck sort of cuddling. Abby is basically a dream to put to bed but does have the tendency to also want company and to call for me at the most inopportune moment (the second after Jack closes his eyes - so her voice makes him totally awake again). This wouldn't be an issue but Jack is not in his big boy bed so once he's awake he's off and running.

Abby, of course, adores Finn and asks constantly to hold him - then quickly hands him back after a few minutes. I thought she got bored with just sitting there, then realized, she did this when she accidentally touches her hand to her nose or mouth - she then freaks out that she is going to get Finn sick so practically throws him back to me. Sweetheart.

Jack oddly enough adores Finn as well. He runs over to him and says, "BABY" and tries to grab for him (whether he is eating sleeping or getting his diaper changed). I give him over whenever I can (encouraging the bond you see) and the funniest thing - Jack just wants to cuddle with Finn. He'll lay back and point to where he wants me to put Finn, then he'll put his arms around him and just stare off into space or tv. Jack just wants Finn there. He will point to his features now and then which can get hairy ("EYES!" as Jack pokes at them) but mostly Jack is totally gentle with his brother... UNTIL you try to take said brother away because, oh I don't know... he's screaming his head off for the other half of his meal. If you try to take Finn away from Jack, Jack grabs onto Finn... or any part of Finn. This isn't so gentle... but hey - as Miss Pat says (I know, her again, but she's got experience people) it takes a lot more concentration/more muscles to release a grip than to grip... so often with babies/toddlers we're yelling them to let go of something and they literally need time to figure out HOW to do that. I wish I'd remembered that when Jack used to pull my hair. So we try to take it slow. And Finn is so far uninjured.

Thighckles vs. Ankles

Now I'm not saying my bony chicken ankles are cute - but SERIOUSLY ... it's just... I don't know IIII think the plumpness of those pregnancy ankles was impressive.

Feeling Stuck?

Abby came up to me today and offered, "Momma, if you wanted some alone time... without a girl who wanted to stomp around and shout, you could take me somewhere - like someone's house... I wouldn't mind."

And just a few seconds ago:

"Mommy, I have a confession to make to you. Do you know why I want to go somewhere everyday... why I like having fun everyday? It's because I LOVE having fun."

Lesson Never Learned

Why oh Why oh Why can I not get this one lesson in my head?

There is just no reason to worry overmuch or try to push the kids into or out of a phase. Why can't I learn it? Well obviously because one doesn't know until one has hindsight that it was a phase and not some socially unacceptable problem that will plague us and our children for the rest of our LIVES.

Abby has been getting out of bed since Jack was born. Scared or just Lonely. We got her a loft bed. She decided after the first day we had the heat on since she got the loft bed, that the problem with the loft bed was that it was way too hot up there. On her own gumption, armed with her own theory, she set herself up on some blankets on the floor in front of her radio (she plays audio books to go to sleep to) one night last week. AND... she hasn't gotten up in the middle of the night since. She tells me up in the loft bed she's very wriggly and there on the floor she's much more stiller. There is a mattress on the ground under the loft bed I hope to coax her onto sometime soon. But if not, I don't mind - it's ALL fine with me.

Jack is having a rough time and though I tend to have a bleeding heart for him, Miss Pat thinks it has more to do with being two than with the new baby - though certainly the two things feed each other. Anyway, he's been having a hard time sleeping too. And today I decided to try his big boy bed. So far, so good. At least it will be more comfortable to hang out with him if he has trouble tonight.

So much of parenting it seems, seems to be about what we as parents can handle. We just can't make a change or form a plan until we're at that stage of being ready to make a change or form a plan. And there's no rushing it. Sense a theme?

Unless by rushing it you mean get some good long quality sleep BEFORE you're at the end of your rope.

Finn's Story

As told by Steve on Twitter (blue)/Facebook(purple) ... with color commentary by me. (In reverse order because I'm too tired to switch it)

Going home1:21 PM Oct 3rd from txt

I was ready to go home even though I'm personally a big fan of the post birth time in the hospital. Somehow you just never get the same sort of break/nursing no matter how wonderful and attentive your family is when you are home. There is just too much to do, and in my case, two too many little uns to take care of as well as myself and new baby. It was the perfect amount of time - by the time it was time to go I was getting impatient to go ahead and start this new life with the new family.

Jack wanted nothing to do with me in the hospital, though I think that might have had more to do with the small room feel than anything. So going home we were very conscious of just going slow with him, not forcing anything. I had put the baby down and carried Jack straight to the toy room away from everyone and everything. And he hugged me and we sat for a little while.

Abby of course was in love with Finn from moment one. She wanted to hold him as much as we'd let her. Jack kind of flipped a little seeing her holding the baby - but we're not sure if that was jealousy on account that his sister was holding another baby or if the baby is considered HIS already and she was holding him. Because he ran up crying, "Baby, baby, my baby." So we all sat while he was fascinated with Finn's hands and he pat him like a puppy. It was perfect.

Just very thankful. Very happy. In good spirits and already weeks ahead of my recovery last time. Very very tired too. But most of all, thanking God every few seconds that we are where we are.

Steve Scheidler There is a Starbucks here and I always wanted to know what it would be like to have Starbucks in your house....now I know...... I'm broke and havn't slept in 72 hours.

October 3 at 12:14pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like

If there is something better than a Drifitng training montage then I haven't seen it.9:10 PM Oct 2nd from web

you know sometimes...not all the time but sometimes I feel like the toilets in the maternity ward aren't designed for men9:08 PM Oct 2nd from web

You see the Drifitng is his friend but its hard for him to admit that.9:04 PM Oct 2nd from web

i think the lesson of this movie is that Drifting can lead to a better life.9:02 PM Oct 2nd from web

no comment

Finn was crying and the Drifting calmed him down!8:46 PM Oct 2nd from web

This is a total lie. I think he started fussing WHILE watching actually.

So much Drifting8:45 PM Oct 2nd from web
Steve was a little punch drunk like me - just so relieved to be done with the pregnancy portion of this experience

watching some Drifting right now.8:42 PM Oct 2nd from web
We each had a tv and a bed... Steve found Fast & the Furious : Tokyo Drift. You should not be surprised that I was NOT watching the same thing.


I had this weird dream that we had the baby last .... Wait.....Ooooohhhhh

October 2 at 8:53am via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like

Not sure we did this before iPhones

October 1 at 11:36pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like

Seriously. Steve keeping everyone up to date on the phone was so helpful and he specifically made sure to tweet or update at important transitional moments so that when we went back and put it all together it would read like a story for Finn (okay probably more for me, but Finn may appreciate it someday).


Mom is doing so well she is requesting Roundtable.

October 1 at 8:33pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like

Samantha ran out to get me roundtable and she stayed with us in the recovery room for a while. That's where Finn had his first bath. There had been a mini-babyboom so all the normal infant warming stations were used and we had a crappy one that beeped to high heaven every few minutes. This made me annoyed. But otherwise no problems - nurses were all great, friendly and helpful.

Mom is doing great

October 1 at 8:29pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like
We were just so happy it actually happened - Finn was actually out where we could see and touch him and I was finally oh so NOT PREGNANT.

Came out hungry and is eating like a champ

October 1 at 8:28pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like
It was so funny - I had to insist to try to feed Abby right away - but I didn't even have to ask and they gave me Finn all slimy - cleaning him up as I tried to get him to latch on. The baby nurse totally helped me get latched and all that. It was pretty cool. Family came in and he was still eating away so that wasn't perfectly ideal, but oh well, what can you do.

20.5 inches, 7.6lbs7:57 PM Oct 1st from mobile web
The nurses and I were making fun of Steve because it took him five tries to remember the stats long enough to type them in.

Happy Birthday Finn Albert Scheidler7:44 PM Oct 1st from mobile web
Fortunately I didn't have anything to worry about. We had one cycle of pushing with one contraction - had to wait a full minute or more for the next contraction and out came Finn!

Here we go 7:35 PM Oct 1st from mobile web
We waited for the doc, they go me prepped. I prepared myself mentally that it might not be as quick this time. I might have to push for more than thirty seconds...

10 7:08 PM Oct 1st from mobile web
Lisa was awesome. She turned me to my side and two seconds later I was at 10cm and we were calling the doc on call (our doc was on vacation, have I mentioned that?)

Btw the symbol I used for Twitter is the character for father5:49 PM Oct 1st from mobile web
Lisa wanted me to call out at the first hint of pressure. But I really didn't feel any. Believe me, I was wanting to accommodate.

The end is in sight... Although I do have binoculars with me.5:43 PM Oct 1st from mobile web
Says him! I don't remember thinking we were doing any better until Lisa our nurse - who was trying to rush Finn out so she could be there (she was going off work shortly).

You're doing great babe, your almost done5:26 PM Oct 1st from txt
Apparently my water breaking (probably helped by the nurse putting on the monitor without knowing that my water HADN'T broken) wasn't tweetworthy. So that finally made everything made sense. I think I was feeling emotional or tired -hence the encouragement tweet.

I love the sound of the BP cuff as it goes off every 30 minutes5:07 PM Oct 1st from txt
It was rest time now, though there was a certain amount of concern because we were worried the epidural would slow us down. This is the beginning of the "stuck at 8 phase" of the day. Nurse Lisa was monitoring baby's heartbeat pretty closely - he now had one of those little sensors stuck to his head, poor guy... but we needed to know he was good. But that also meant they didn't care too much about my sensor anymore so we weren't really able to see my contractions very well. We were nervous they were slowing down and actually I think they were, but we were apparently the only ones worried about this. What they were worried about is that I had said my water had NOT broke and yet they had fastened on that monitor thingee in just fine - so how could they do that if my water hadn't broke? SO Steve and I sort of worry about this because I swear it hadn't leaked or broken, and I would know, right? But what if I didn't and he was in some sort of critical condition because of lack of water etc etc. But we had just seen the doctor four days previously and been assured specifically of water level so... whatever - everyone lets it go


Status. : No Change

October 1 at 5:09pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like
Stuck Stuck Stuck at 8cm. I suggested Steve tweet some disparaging remark about my body being difficult and he refused, not wanting to send out anything negative about me even in jest. Awwwh.

Fantastic Nurses!!!!4:01 PM Oct 1st from txt
I had suggested that once the scare was over Steve tweet "praise" but he thought that would freak everyone out. I think no one had any idea anything nerve-wracking was happening. But I appreciated Steve's desire not to make it melodramatic. I was just happy to be out of pain AND not have to live with the low blood pressure feeling which was just as bad in it's own way.

Finn is making things interesting3:49 PM Oct 1st from txt
The epidural came and went pleasantly - Lisa checked me and sure enough, as per my weird repressed body I had been 3-4 for hours and sudden I was 7-8 cm dilated. But then, I had warned Lisa right at the beginning that whenever I get the epidural the next thing that usually happens is that the baby's heart rate drops - but that usually means he's dropping. I didn't know if the nurse thought I was crazy or she was listening. Turns out - she was listening more than I even intended. This time, my arm went numb after the epidural and I started feeling really not good. I thought about not complaining (stupid I know), but I just felt so bad I struggled to describe it though. Finally - nausea - that's describable- Nausea - I raise my hand, ask if nausea if a side effect of the epidural. Lisa says no and in about ten seconds has me on oxygen and has run out of the room to get the other nurses. My blood pressure dropped this time and baby's totally did. They turned me on my side and almost automatically I felt better - but baby wasn't recovering as quickly. On my hands and knees they insist (I was only half tingly numb at this point so it was possibly). Three nurses are hovering around doing stuff, I'm holding Steve's hand because he has been tasked to keep my iv in perfect position. I feel not TOO scared because I know if they can't fix this asap they are just going to do an emergency c-section. Granted I didn't WANT that at all in any way. But if its the way to save Finn - sign me up. I look up at Steve to make sure he knows I'm not panicking and see he's scared. Probably the first time I've ever seen that. But sure enough, probably not more than a minute after our pressure dropped, we were both back in the green.


"You want the pain to come because it means you are progressing but then you remember it's PAIN!". - Adrea Scheidler (10/01/09)

October 1 at 3:04pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like

Looking back, I wonder if my body only finally started progressing because it even just knew the epidural was coming. Because I wasn't in significant pain until we placed the request for the epidural.

Awesome nurse!2:58 PM Oct 1st from txt

Lisa was our nurse and she was just willing to go with us - she wasn't intimidated by Steve's joking or me complaining about my crazy non-dilating body. She warned us the epidural guy would be needed for surgery so I'd need to make a decision on the epidural - luckily I was in pain by then so I placed my request.

Ada got a popsicle.... A red one2:58 PM Oct 1st from txt

I was very seriously regretting not eating or sleeping more before coming in. Its just you're not supposed to eat too far into labor and I had already lost faith in the morning that the pain would ever get more intense -I'd decided it was just going to fool everyone, so I didn't feel comfortable having a three course meal. But you know - somewhere in the middle would have been ok.


Adrea is trying figure out what she wants to eat after all the birthing is done.

October 1 at 1:35pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like
I was SO hungry. And so tired.

Progressing nicely1:04 PM Oct 1st from mobile web

I got checked possibly? I don't remember progressing nicely. Smoothly on a slow slow slow slow scale maybe.

Almost went into wrong L&D room

October 1 at 12:28pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like

Still nothing too exciting happening so I encouraged Steve to get coffee and a snack - we han't packed him anything this time. Third baby over confidence I suppose made us forget all about that idea.



Ada's rockin the birthing ball now

October 1 at 12:07pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like
I would have been happy there the whole time but I wasn't trying to be happy - I was trying to get some pain intensity going!


Hey I don't have a stupid face do I?12:39 PM Oct 1st from mobile web

Of course there were many possibilities we went back and forth on this one.

We have moved to the verbal abuse phase12:36 PM Oct 1st from mobile web Still bitter that my pain wasn't progressing I was considering acting as if the pain was worse to fool the nurses and possibly my body into progressing.

More forms, more forms11:57 AM Oct 1st from txt
There is so much business to take care of. You can't romanticize the process, theres just a lot to get taken care of.

Rockin 2 iPhones right now11:54 AM Oct 1st from mobile web
This was when I was being monitored. Just like the night before, the contractions seemed less intense when I was laying down. I'm already doubting my memory - I sort of remember saying to Steve that they hurt most while sitting. Anyway, when we couldn't move around, Steve kept touched base with the masses on the internet.

Should have worn better shoes though11:39 AM Oct 1st from txt
The pain was still very bearable - nothing in comparison to what it becomes. I didn't really want to use the birthing ball etc because I felt like a lot of these methods have to do with pain management and I didn't need that as much as I needed to encourage dilation and progression. So we did a lot of walking, a lot of lunges and squats. Steve was great, it was a nice time, just the two of us, not all that distracted by the pain, but pretty excited about how close we were to the finish line.

Love the chairs here11:38 AM Oct 1st from txt
Nice big labor room. So funny how things have shifted since I was at Huntington with Abby 6 years ago. Back then they were famous amongst the naturalists for their non-natural ways. But I didn't get any trouble from them back then, but this time they practically pushed me to labor alternative ways once we were admitted. Our nurse told us to walk for an hour before they monitored the baby for 20 minutes. Then she proceeded to pull out the birthing ball and the rocking chair etc, ec. So funny. Okay fine I think, I'll labor actively.

Whoops, we are not rooming in yet, that's why that woman looked at me funny.... Labor and delivery is no place for a PS3
October 1 at 12:02pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like

Always with the smooth recovery!


And we are staying... Love rooming in....already brought my PS3
October 1 at 11:30am via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like
I didn't know he'd posted this. Quickly people misunderstood because we were obviously not even close to rooming in!


So nice we decided to stay - just admitted11:14 AM Oct 1st from txt
We could actually hear the phone calls between the triage nurses and the doctor's office, but couldn't tell the decision until the nurse finally told us (hyper happy nurse was cute but totally difficult to understand).

Echo10:39 AM Oct 1st from txt
Hence this post. 2cm was disappointing but just one of those momens where you sigh an realize you weren't exaggerating all the times you told the story of the other births about how I just don't dilate willy nilly. We were very much ready to be ok with being sent home.

I have adrea's phone in my pocket and it keeps vibrating with each tweet10:39 AM Oct 1st from txt
I was determined to be prepared to be sent home. Trust God, trust my body - that sort of thing. I didn't want to push this too far if it just wasn't time. So Steve and I just chatted and laughed as each time he sent out a tweet my phone would buzz in his other pocket.

Ahhhh..... Triage10:37 AM Oct 1st from txt
We arrived within moments of another couple. And were next "curtain" to yet another. As far as I could tell there were four or five of us being monitored / decided to admit or be sent home. The couple we arrived with was 40 weeks and she thought her water had broken - it hadn't. She got sent home. The couple next to us was trying o prove she was having any contractions - though she was 5cm dilated. I waited, trying to be patient - definitely having contracions... but had I dilated? 2cm. Ha if the woman next to me and I could combine labors we'd be like perfect.

And were off10:00 AM Oct 1st from txt
This time doctor's office receptionist didn't even both asking a doctor - upon hearing "90 seconds long, 1 minute 45 apart" (in other words, right on top of each other) they told us to get our butts to the hospital and a doctor would meet us there.

now we play the waiting game9:51 AM Oct 1st from txt
He must have said this right as I went around the block again. I just got the conviction that we should call the doctor as it just seemed to me nothing was going to change ever.
We'll see7:58 AM Oct 1st from mobile web
Indeed. I was at our little Scheidler women's group when the contractions that had been coming and going for a week and a half started to come right on top of each other. These are not terribly strong or painful contractions - tightening *plus I'd call them. I had just asked Sarah why she'd decided to go in on the day or Max's birth since the pain never progressed (and knowing Sarah was going all natural again, the intensity of pain is usually an important sign that true labor is here and it's okay to go to the hospital without worry that the progress will slow). I didn't think much of this whole contraction thing though because I had decided to be on a trust kick. Labor was going to come when it came and instead of second guessing and sort of kind of trying to move it along, I was just going to trust God that He'd move it forward when it was time and that I had nothing to do with it and didn't need to have anything to do with it. So from 10-midnight I just had many many contractions but no real pain. I tried to sleep but was too fidgety. Jack was getting up restless too. Finally around 1 or 2 I decided I might need to page the doc on call (our doc was on vacation) - I woke Steve up to do the honors. I knew intensity wasn't where it should be - but third baby... who knew. Doc suggests waiting for intensity. Steve is so completely out of it. Somehow I caught him at the WRONG night for labor. Steve, usually so completely on the ball with this sort of thing could not get his bearings. So doc's advice wasn't unwelcome. Steve went back to bed and so did I. I didn't get a lot of sleep - two two hour increments. The weird part was that the contractions would disappear when I lay down and yet when I'd stand it was as if they'd been working/progressing while I was laying down. Convenient. But still no serious pain. I called my mom to come over and help with the kids in case this WAS the real deal. Steve took the kids to breakfast, my mom and I walked around the block... and we just sort of... waited. My mom took both kids to drop off Abby while I walked around the block again and then we called the doctor's office again.

Third Time's the Charm

Well... in hindsight anyway.

I'm sitting here Friday night 11:31 waiting for them to bring my baby back to me. It's his newborn screening test time. I have a pamphlet here I'm going to read about it. The differences between first to second baby to third... it's all just fascinating.

With Abby I was so... overwhelmed... a little paranoid or - a nicer way of putting it - very scared that some decision I was going to make or not make would somehow contribute to some huge problem. Not all of these problems involved health and safety - I was also just afraid of being jipped. I didn't do the newborn photo thing for example. There was a logical reason at the time - i.e. I think because we had delivered on a Sunday early morning a lot of the staff that were normally roaming around (like the photographer) weren't there. But even so, when they were, I went out of my way to say no. Sure that they were somehow just trying to illicit money from us. Which sure, true, they are.. but that hardly seems quite as rude now as it once sort of did.

With Jack I was a little shell shocked because of knowing Abby was out there in the world without me. The hospital and care was so different, but in general, I was so totally calm about everything. That's not true - the little procedure waiting for us at the end of the stay worried me, but not TOO much. But he was generally an undemanding little guy - he just wanted what he wanted when he wanted it - is that so wrong? If you didn't try to bathe him or something, he was pretty mellow. I had a really hard time navigating the tiny space of the room oddly enough - that is one of my most pronounced memories of that time.

It seems almost silly now all that worry over if our little family could expand well - considering Abby and Jack love each other to a ridiculously funny degree. I'm hoping all my worries for Jack will seem just as silly as Jack and Finn tag team to destroy the house and general peace of the world around them - all in good fun of course.

The third time around, I almost feel a weird responsibility to be more informed. Like reading the stupid literature at the hospital about everything. Ha. No offense people who do the literature at the hospitals. It's as if because Finn was unplanned - he is sort of a miracle blessing in my eyes - like I don't "deserve" him in a way because I didn't control/plan on him. So I feel like I need to really be on the ball for him.

It's Sunday night now. I feel so amazingly good. I'm betting my tear at birth is about the same as with Abby, or better... not sure. I was so overwhelmed (that word again) with being a mom (even though I wasn't doing anything yet but nursing and worrying), that I almost was wary of feeling too good - doing too much. I kept expecting some latent pain or problem to pop up. Oh - no AND I was all milk-swollen.... that's right - that added quite a bit to the stress.

This time I'm so happy to be walking around and barely feeling any physical pain apart from those pesky contractions that are supposedly getting my uterus back to size. GEEZ they hurt. Bad. But they aren't often.

I'm still getting to know Finn obviously. So far I can tell you he is SERIOUS about milk. He latched on great from the beginning - literal thirty seconds after birth beginning. And he was consistently wanting to nurse. But right around day 2.5... right around when my milk COULD be coming in - he seemed to get very very serious about nursing. Like he'd gotten the taste of what was on it's way and he was making it his personal mission to speed the process along.

I know my milk is in by the way he gulps, but as of yet haven't really noticed because he keeps things well under control in that area.

He is generally easygoing - loves the wrap of course. Isn't afraid to let us know how he feels. Isn't totally attached to being held at all times, but I'm sure that's on it's way since with Abby around he is usually being held ALL the time.

He has these huge twitches - just like Steve. I mean all newborns have them it seems - but I happen to think Finn's are a little extreme.

Abby already adores him, worries if she hasn't washed her hands before she touches him on impulse.

Jack is having both possible reactions at the same time. He catches sight of Finn and smiles broadly to point, "Baby! My Baby." He gives Finn his pacifier - throws the ball at me when I'm nursing (not sure if this is passive aggressive or his way of trying to get Finn to play ball with him). On the other hand, he wants to be by my side while I nurse, or, worse case scenario - cries and wants me to pay attention to him if I have the baby. It's just hard to watch him struggle. He'll get through it, I know - but for now it's hard.

I have bouts of extreme exhaustion where I just can't possibly stay awake, and yet most of the time I feel pretty normal and extremely relieved to be so.

Okay that's the long and short of it for now... I'm uploading a whole bunch of pictures to be tweaked and shared soon.

The whole birth story is next...