I think that it is interesting that I can know that I'm upset/mad/hurt (whatever) about a circumstance or with a person; I can know it and acknowledge it and talk about it and accept it... But still somehow when I get depressed I don't automatically connect that it has anything to do with those recent events.
My rationale is "Why would I be depressed about that? I know about it. I've already felt that." I must have a preconception in my mind that depression only hits someone when they don't deal with their feelings- i.e. they pretend they aren't upset or they don't realize they are in a certain stage of life or something.
Instead, for me depression is this sneaky little rat that follows at my heals for a few weeks - stays in the shadows until eventually I'm in the shadows with it. Hm. I should name my depression rat. How about... Whiskers? Twinkie? It should be Twinkie because along with a certain lethargy, I try to eat my depression away.
I always used to do this - knowing making myself a dessert made me feel better but again assuming that because I knew this consciously there was nothing underneath the action. Then, I went through the intro chapters of Dr. Phil's weight book and decided to actually pay attention to myself and when I had cravings (not just for dessert)... and I realized that I really do go straight to food if I want to medicate myself or celebrate for myself. All this is all very Dr. Phil - speak and probably sounds like armchair psychology but well - it was a surprise to me. Anyway, I started realizing I did this so I started not doing it and suddenly I was alot moodier. I was feeling the MOODS that before I'd been eating. I think this differs slightly from eating the feelings because that's why I always thought it wasn't a problem - I had plenty of feelings about things - had friends to vent to, etc - so how could that be a problem for me?
Anyway point being, I've only had maybe 'a' good writing session since the initial frenzy after S dropped the co-author idea (or maybe it was the other bomb she dropped that started this) and the other friend just kept doing what she does. I've been coming home from dropping off Abby at pre-school un-energized - just lucky to get a few chores around the house done before it's time to pick her up again. I've been weirdly possessive of my alone time and totally uninterested in getting to know the other parents at Abby's pre-school which has got to change because these people are going to be a big part of my life for a couple years at least.
I've wondered if the depression has nothing to do with the friend stuff and more to do with something I don't realize (i.e. my initial perception of why someone gets depressed) - like maybe I don't realize I've got issues with Abby being in school and all that. But you know - there is like no hint of that in my heart. It's just a guess because that is the only new thing going on. I mean... I am sort of sentimental about it - but mostly because I desperately want her to get everything she can out of it. And she is so far by the way. She is having such a great time. The last time I worked she went by the classroom door like five times on the back of a tricycle as one of the 'big' kids just rode her around and around the sidewalk.
Stupidly enough I am a little depressed that I'm trying to write a book. What a silly reason to be depressed! I just feel... vulnerable about it. I feel stupid for trying. That is just lame and don't worry, I'm not going to accept the feeling as valid... its just... there.
Considering the situations I've fought before, this is just pride stuff... perfectly solvable.
I just have this feeling like I have so much potential - I just need someone to take me over and manage me. I hate hate hate managing myself. I hate working for my own satisfaction (at least when I'm in a mood). My favorite Simpson's scene ever is in "The PTA Disbands" when Lisa is going through withdrawals from school:
Lisa: [panting] Grade me...look at me...evaluate and rank me! Oh, I'm
good, good, good, and oh so smart! Grade me!
[Marge scribbles an A on a piece of paper]
[Lisa walks off, muttering crazily and sighing]
This is SO me - and the way I think I would work best - with some all - powerful managing force to work towards impressing, grading, ranking, affirming me as the brilliant amazing creative person I think I am. LOL. That is what I think is so funny and I wonder if everyone is like this. Half the time it sounds as if I'm totally devoid of self - confidence and the other half I'm about as full of myself as one can be without their ego melting out through my ears.
Anyway, I have a new ally in my writing, so if I could just snap out of this funk, I think I'd be ready for a good run on the writing. I just have to make the effort to get out of this. It just seems like so much effort.
But for this girl and this family and for myself, I'm ready to do the work to get myself moving again.
p.s. random note - if you can take some gore "The Departed" is an amazing movie. I have my issues with it (the 'surprise' killing towards the end just lame and not just cuz I wanted him to live but because they had to make him out of character in order to get him into that position to kill him and some Jack extraneous scenes) but the actors and the writing was just fantastic. I really cared - like really really really cared about the characters even though I knew I'd most likely lose the ones I liked the most because it's an 'artsy' director. I just go to bed at night pretending the guy that I didn't want to die didn't and that he's riding off into the sunset a la "LA Confidential."
