Jack is NOT a monkey

Now Don't Take this Wrong

But I don't like people.
And no I don't have a philosophical distinction about a person one on one and people.
Do I like YOU personally? YES of course I do.

So what am I talking about?
I think it's this feeling I get when I am feeling like an observer, unable to actually connect... and not particularly wanting to. This 'on the bleachers' sort of feeling. Where at first I'm enjoying just watching - I don't want to play whatever game is being played, I don't want to be the cheerleader either. I honestly truly like what I am, who I am, where I am - all that. I'm probably even loving the commraderie (hmmm, spelling?) in the bleachers.

But at some point, unintentionally, I let the cold seep in. Instead of feeling connected because the audience really does play a part, because we really aren't separate little islands in the stands amongst each other... something changes. I go from being completely happy to feeling alienated, alone, and...all of a sudden a very distinct and far away island.

The game that I loved a minute ago suddenly seems stupid and pointless. I'm cold and I just want to be home sitting with a blanket. The interactions around me turn from fun and silly to lame and inauthentic and way way way too loud.

And it's not just people - it's me too. When I think of trying to talk to someone, I'm uninterested
in my own talk - and besides I don't buy what I'm going to say anyway.

Which brings me to here. Where I'm going to have to find something to post real quick after this to let this one go further down the page. Luckily I have some ideas.

"Save"

I'd like to save a little moment forever please.

So I think Jack is fighting a cold because he took a four hour nap today. I went up to check on him (because that's what I do) and saw that he was already awake, staring up at the top bunk. I come to the side of the bed and smile and offer to pick him up. He sits up and stares at me, then reaches forward (sort of sleep heavy) and touches my nose. I laugh and offer to pick him up again. He does the nose thing again. So I climb in next to him and he wants to cuddle, but just for a second.

Then I ask if he wants to go downstairs and he does that little pure voiced, "Yeaaah!"

Again, I guess written out it seems not nearly as sweet as it was. But it just was. I love sleep-heavy moments.

Ugh

How many posts have I started over the last few weeks?

Alot.

What have they been on?

Mostly frustrations and impatience and cute things the kids have done and said.

One thing I absolutely love that Abby has said :
We were driving home from somewhere and Abby kind of gave a startled sound in the back of the car. I asked what was up and she said something about inside her eyelids and ideas, then got frustrated when she knew it wasn't making sense. I said I really want to know, so she finally got it out like this:
"My eyes were closed and I had a beautiful thing in my mind and I thought maybe, I hoped that when I opened my eyes, it would still be in front of me, that it would be actually true, but it wasn't and I was disappointed."
Now, that in itself made a beautiful impression in MY mind, but of course I wanted to know what this thing was. This was her answer, "I was imagining that I was the most beautifulest girl in the whole school."
Insert mom's heart breaking here.
I pause... not sure if I can insert my momish opinion here, but what the hey, "Abby, IIII think you already are the most beautifulest girl in school to me." (yeah, I wasn't striving for grammar perfection).
I can HEAR her roll her eyes, "No Momma, like with make up and everything... in a beautiful red dress... it was the Mom's Luncheon..." I think what she means here is like on tv when suddenly they get made over for a dance? Who knows. Just a beautiful but poignant sort of moment.

There are a lot of those around here. Like Jack gently tracing my face with his hands as he tries to go to sleep. Or when Steve got home tonight, Jack didn't say anything to him (usually he exclaims "Dayya!" and tries to lead him into the toy room. Tonight Jack ran into the toy room and ran back out with a ball outstretched, looking for his main play pal who had already been led away by Abby.

Jack is less impressed with Finn as time goes on, but every now and then as Jack passes, he'll pat Finn on the head absently. Sometimes he'll rush a binky over to him. Most of the time though, as Finn heads toward wherever Jack is playing, Jack's response is to give urgent "Uh oh" time cries as if a shark was stalking him in the water.

Finn absolutely adores me. Which is bittersweet of course because I don't know why... because I know I constantly fail him? I don't know why, but it's so sweet it hurts. But that little face searching me out in a room, locking on me, and not losing sight, with a hopeful eyebrows lifted sort of gaze... it's so purely loving. Of course he sort of adores everyone right now. He just loves someone to pay some attention to him. He's also a total faker which is hilarious. He likes to nurse to sleep - and he likes to nurse for pretty much any reason, so a couple times a day I'll be convinced he's starving and look at him in five seconds and realize he's asleep. He'll also go to sleep in the car and to music. He's a sucker for a good ballad. Last night my mom, while babysitting was sure Finn's stomach lining was cramping with hunger, but then he went to sleep on the way home to our house without nursing and slept for four hours. Ha!

Otherwise I'm operating on a lot of different but intense moods/emotions. I have a short fuse for me. I'm proud of what I can accomplish when not pregnant. I'm happy with everything basically. I'm also feeling like the biggest failure.

Speaking of, a few important, reliable people have "accused" (they wouldn't put it in that tone) me of being a perfectionist "recently" (time doesn't mean a lot to me right now). Now the first reason I scoff at this at first glance is because of the non-perfectionist nature of my home. I CAN live just fine with life in disarray. I will not sacrifice my favorite tv show or a chance to get chips and salsa in order to get that laundry done. I just want to do good, to do my best. But I'm not going to break mysellf to make things perfect.

For example, this is only the beginning of what I wanted to say and not really how I want to say it, but I'm tired so I'm going to bed.

It's Not As If

See it used to happen with Abby as well (I'm still on the Jack/too many people or strange places topic if you hadn't guessed). I'm not even sure how different this is. Abby used to drag her people into a more isolated space so she could have focused time. She used to melt down and we'd have to get going stacking things on our arms as we left in a flurry like some sort of cartoon. I just think she was more apt to explore and destroy by accident and Jack seems more likely to explore (and within his process is destruction). Was I just better at isolating? I know I went to the office a lot, that was a fantastic outlet because it could be for an hour or two minutes - if I left with her kicking and screaming over my shoulder, no one minded much as it was a frequent enough occurrence.

Jack did a pretty good job at Easter (but then again, Zoozy made everything super kid friendly where all those crowded people were). And, this is also what I remember from Abby - as soon as I recognized, OH! here's an issue, a pattern, let's fix it - the child has just decided to end that phase on their own.

Words are helping quite a bit. Mommy's hormones settling down to normal is helping.

We were at Aaron & Megan's today and the same thing happened - he wanted to be in the 'car' to go home even though he was having a great time. And the thing that drives me BONKERS is that he desperately wants to LEAVE home in the morning and afternoon.

WHY WHY WHY must my children tempt my insanity?!