Where Am I at 2am?

Okay - thats not a Les Mis lyric. But I figure maybe I'll do "how am i" "what am i" "why am i" to round out a series.

So to continue onto the idea that it is difficult to grasp oneSELF when one is in such a crowded time of life, I'm now at the point of trying to get my bearings. Slowly, slowly routines are being established, things are being re-organized... (Have I mentioned how the SunnyOaks house was just finally totally and completely upkeepable by me RIGHT before we started getting ready to sell it - one of God's (or Steve's) little ironies in my life as it will be years before we're there here).

Anyway, so now that things are sort of finding their place, and I mean that in all the fascinatingly deep and totally surfacey ways it could be meant, now I'm trying to get my bearings. Right, I know. I said that already. But see theres a lot of that right now. Going in circles.

Before I was so overwhelmed that I may have had time to do the dishes, but I didn't have the mental capacities. Now, I may not always choose the organization route, but at least now I'm starting to notice when I step OVER something instead of grabbing it as I pass and dumping it where it belongs.

Would you believe part of what has thrown me for a tailspin was the fear that Finn was allergic to Cheerios somehow thru my milk? Probably not possible, but I've been avoiding them for a couple months and they were my staple "inexpensive - not horribly fattening - but totally fulfilling" lunch. Food that was once available becoming not available always throws me for loops.

By the way - though everyone is sleeping better - last night was the exception because Abby hurt her wrist (jumping off the bed onto a stack of pillows) and woke up everytime she accidentally bumped it (we think). Jack woke up once and Finn was wanting comfort and distraction from teething. Anyway, I checked the time once while leading Jack back to bed, presuming it was about 5 am and that the night was over.

It was 2am. And was I relieved because there was still so much time for sleep? No. I was appalled. Because I knew the night was NOT going to get better and I just wanted it to be over. I do NOT mean that in any deep philosophical way ;).

Abby woke up with, "That was the worst night of rest ever." Sadly, little does she know - it doesn't hold a candle to some of the nights we've had as parents.

Sucks to be You

I have the cutest videos of Jack to share except I don't have time to look and figure out which one to post.

24601!!!!

Who am I...
Once upon a time I knew every single lyric to any number of musicals... like EVERY lyric and spoken part. I don't think most people know that of me now a days. Six years ago I had a small dinner party in which I realized one of my friends was a huge Michael Crawford fan and for the first time in a long time I got out my prized "Phantom of the Opera" book in which my friend Juliana had had HER friend get an autograph from the original phantom for me back in high school. I was suitably quite the rock star at that dinner.

Anyway, I dunno. I'm not really one for having a big identity crisis. I am very myself and don't usually get too bent out of shape about trying to prove who that is to myself or anyone else.

But right now, with every moment seemingly brimming with depressing thoughts like roof leaks and total sweetness like the way Finn smiles EVERYtime someone looks at him and feats of amazing progress like Jack walking out of his room this morning with his CARS books going straight for a Daddy snuggle (this is what it used to be like) and annoying realizations that I'm not doing the best I could (with weight, with organization etc)... and domestic successes like keeping up with the laundry and dishes and mothering wows like how I need to facilitate Abby's ability to go for her joy in swimming & gymnastics, Jack's musicality and sporty needs it is becoming increasingly difficult to feel like I'm anyone in particular. There are moments of identity - like with photography and art (yes we've already started next year's Christmas book) but in general life is just very crowded.

Because of the helpful family around me I do get bursts of clear and free thought. But those bursts have to clear so much smog in my brain they are short. Appreciated and bright... but short lived.

And... well... thats about as far as I can go at the moment ;).