Respecting Where We Are

I think there's a difference between embracing where we're at in life or in a situation vs. respecting that this is where we're at.

I first started thinking about this when families that I photographed so obviously wanted a photo that most definitely did *not* represent where they were at that moment - i.e. if our family picture this year had shown Jack contemplating life. That would not be Jack. Jack is either a lover (this boy cuddles like no one you've ever seen) or a fighter (in good spirits or bad he tackles fun, food, and particularly cars... and trains... and wrestling... well everything).

I started to actually try to sort of... accentuate in a photo how I saw the family. So if a child wouldn't be contained for a tight shot, I have them running around free or sitting a little apart. And I'm really proud when you sort of really really see who my clients are rather than just how pretty they all are.

Then I also started chewing on this idea (mentioned on Dr. Phil though I'm quite sure he's not the originator of the thought ;) ;) ) of being careful of labeling our kids. I.e. words are powerful. And they are. Obviously. Anyway, so I started to worry about how I've been talking about my three. Abby having all this anxiety (well she DOES!!!) and Finn being so sweet (well he IS!!!) and especially Jack being so crazy (well... I'm searching for the right word for him...). He's NOT crazy - he's not frantic (when he's not in a tantrum anyway)... he's just... a wildly free spirit or something. I really have a hard time labeling him and I worry that my inability to label him sympathetically or even slightly correctly will cause him to somehow lose all this wonderfulness that is him. I mean, he will sit and play with cars for LONG periods of time - so its not like he's some sort of no attention span spaz. He sings, oh how he sings. He's a delight, he's joy... He pats the floor or the seat next to him when he wants you to sit down with just the same tone that I do for him. He frowns and pouts so well that it's cute. He LOVES to cuddle, especially when tired, and in those times he'll lean against us and go easily to sleep or just sit there for an hour, just ... sitting. 90% of his nap and sleep time he will just curl up and wait to go to sleep. Where as Abby who is my people pleasing sweetheart fought naps and sleep tooth and nail for years!!

The only parts that make me feel defeated with Jack are the parts that are... impossible. The parts that I don't think are easily solved until he can speak clearer, understand easier, grapple his spurts of emotion... and thats just not going to happen right now... because he's TWO. And the fact that I can't sort of solve everything with a smooth quiet voice makes me feel like I'm failing as a parent and failing him and... and...

And so then I started thinking you know, he's not always going to be two. I can't quite embrace everything that comes with his age right now - but I respect that he needs to go thru it - maybe we all do. He needs to go through this battle of wills and emotion and tortuous ... LIFE so that he can learn how to deal with it all in a generally socially acceptable way and know we all still love and accept him. So I can embrace that I need to respect where we're at... how's that? Close enough?

Similarly with Finn - I don't want my feelings that he is so much easier spirited to lead to him feeling he needs to play the role of a weaker spirit. Because I can already tell that that's not who he is.

And I need to explain that the reason sometimes that Abby's anxiety is so distressing for ME is that she has such a strong core - the anxiety doesn't seem to fit and I don't want it to strangle the iron will that makes me so in awe and proud of her.

Jack is just so... Jack. That's a fair enough label. Maybe that's the answer. Maybe I don't have to box any of them in. I don't INTEND to box them in this way. I don't NEED to classify them. Why does it happen so constantly? Because I'm just talking to other people. Sometimes conversation just leads to talking about the kids and talking about the kids it seems I'm always searching for adjectives. Maybe that's not the way to go about it. Maybe I should tell stories.

Maybe none of this has anything to do with the kids but my anxiety about not being able to communicate what I intend?

But this is where I'm at. Knowing I can't worry like this forever, but really not worrying like this all the time anyway, so not really worried about worry. I don't want to be a perfect parent - I'm not WORRIED that I'm not perfect ... I'm just worried that the mistakes I do make will be horribly detrimental and I want to avoid as many of those mistakes that I can. Don't you see?

Oh heck. I dunno. I just don't want to be the one holding back my kids simply because I wanted to talk about them. Parenthood. Again. Not for wimps.